Archive | June, 2015

Love or Resentment?

3 Jun

“I hate her,”  I said as I hung up the phone from Leslie.  “Why can’t I just be upset?  Why does she have to tell me I have a choice and I don’t have to be this way?”

I went back to my computer.  It wasn’t turning on.   All  my writing.  All my work was in the computer.  I hadn’t backed it up.  Didn’t I have a right to be upset?

What was I going to do?  Who knows everything?  Siri.  I hit the white button on my phone.  “Siri, how can I fix a Fujitsu computer?”

She was thinking.  She gave me nunbers for Fujitsu.  I called them.  An Indian man helped me start my computer by pressing F8 while repeatedly after I pressed the start button.

It worked.  YAY!!  I immediately backed up my computer.  It took 4 hours.

I called Leslie.  “You know, I didn’t ask for coaching.  When you coach me and I’m not a request, it’s annoying and I hate you.:  I just wanted to let you know.”

“Oh,”  she said.  “I’m sorry.  It’s just that when you’re upset, I never had a chance to be a mommy and I want to help you not feel bad.”

“Well, for me to be able to just be able to be however I am is a freedom.  I never allowed myself to be upset before.  This is a good thing.  It would be better for me if you just told me how you feel instead of trying to fix me.”

We talked for a while.  I felt affinity and love for her again instead of annoyance and animosity.  It felt like a miracle.  I wonder how many people I have killed off because I didn’t tell them how I felt.

Let’s see.  Just today my sister called to tell me that I should take my father out more.  He is stuck at home and would love to get out.   I immediately starting thinking “she’s right and I’m a bad daughter.”

“You’re right,”  I said to her.

“Of course I’m right,”  she said.  She kept lecturing and I seethed.

The phone call ended soon after that.  I can now see that instead of shutting down I could have spoken up and told her how I felt.  I became a victim instead, thinking she was right.  I could have felt love instead of resentment and annoyance.  It’s hard for me to see what I could have said, but maybe by tomorrow it will be clear.  After all, it worked with Leslie.

PS  I asked my mother if my father needed rides and she said no. He has activities every day except one, and on that day he really enjoys being home.  So, there, big sister, you actually weren’t right!!!!

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