tiredoffeelingbad

5-31-12  6:35 PM

Had an exhausting day.  Had to go out with my state coordinator today.  I realize that I suck at sales and that I never wanted to be in sales, and yet, here I am IN SALES.   I like the non-parts of the business like working with people, meeting people, listening to people, but I am not good at getting through people’s objections when they’ve said no.  I just say ok.  NOT GOOD. 

I was so nervous this morning that I couldn’t even talk or think.  I kept having to go the bathroom because I had a LARGE DD coffee.  It was completely embarassing. 

My boss’s boss is a great salesman and turned this client around effortlessly.  I would have totally screwed it up.  I guess I COULD look at the positive, which was……..?   That there is something to learn, I guess.   I hate that.  I want to be good and perfect and rich RIGHT NOW!!!!

On a good front, my fantasy is alive and growing with FB.  Today we talked – I said, remember when you asked if I was always smiling, well, sometimes I am not……..etc.  During the conversation he asked if I ever work out my legs.  I asked him why he was asking, and he said that he never sees me doing legs.  I told him I did them on the other side.  But, I just realized, that means he is watching me which I love.  He always looks like he is so engrossed in what he is doing that I didn’t think he even noticed little old me.

Later I went up to him and said, “is there something wrong with my legs?”  He said, no.  Not at all.  His next comments have kept me SO HAPPY AND FANTASIZING TODAY.  Are you ready?  

He told me he really likes talking to me.  He said that I am special because I am real.  I am still kvelling from that comment.  It has made me totally in love with him (in my fantasy).  I feel like he gets me and it is so refreshing and nice and I don’t have to feel crazy.  He thinks it’s all good.  I love that.  I just do.  I want to declare my love and devotion (in my mind – don’t worry, whenever I get this way, I don’t even see him something prevents me from making a fool of myself).

Meanwhile back at the ranch, Jack and I had a bad fight starting yesterday and going until today.  It was so unpleasant and draining.  It is such a difference – the communication with both of them.  I know it is not fair to compare, but so what?  Life it not fair.  If I say something to Jack, he argues with me and annihiliates me for hours.  It is so exhausting.  If I say something to FB he says, “I like that.  Nice.”   One person makes me feel BETTER, and one makes me HATE MY LIFE.  Gee, hard to decide who I like better, isn’t it? 

In my musing, I want to ask FB if he likes me as more than a friend.  Does he have any feelings for me in a romantic way?  If yes, I can start to think that I am not just hallucinating and see if it could go anywhere.  I don’t care about his background, I just care how I feel about him and how easy it is to talk to him. 

If no, I will appreciate his friendship and either try again in my marriage, OR, find another crush.  At this point, I am ready to run to California with FB.  I just am, regardless.  I don’t care that I don’t know him.  “Details” as far as I am concerned.   I suppose if the answer is no, we could just be friends with benefits.  That might work for a short term escape plan.

I have mixed feelings about going to Jamaica.  If Jack hadn’t won it and I had, I would be taking someone else.  I am dreading having to be with him.    He probably, at some level, knows that I am not into him, but I have said, that if I was really ready to move, I would be gone.  I don’t want to break up the family and I love our view.  AND, I have no money to leave.   That pissed him off more – because I didn’t say I was staying because of him.  At one point he asked me if I was proud of him – I had to come up with some things in a fast way.  None of which had to do with money, mind you.

Italian Steve told me that life is too short and to just go and have fun.  Maybe I will act like we are just dating.  Then I won’t feel like I am stuck and have no way out. 

Actually, I did go away with a boyfriend in college.  We had fun, but one night we got into a huge fight because he took our joint money and gambled it away.  I was pissed.  I think that’s why I broke up with him.  He was not responsible about money.  Why didn’t I realize this about Jack before I got married?  But, I can’t say that, because then I wouldn’t have my kids. 

FB and I share views about money.  He believes in saving. 

I had taken a break in typing just long enough for Jack and to get into a fight.  He got on my case again because I was frustrated and said I wished he hadn’t put some business in before we had figured things out.  It is not all messed up and taking ALOT OF TIME. He just kept going on and on and on and on.

I said, “ok, I’m an ass hole.  Let’s just agree so you can stop this onslaught.  That just fuels more abuse.  I fucking hate it.  It drains me of my energy and happiness.  I am not free to speak without getting an onslaught of assoholicness.  It is just not a fun way to live.  I can see why I am not happy at home and quite dead.  It just isn’t fun.  He doesn’t know he’s doing it and he doesn’t care.  BUT, I am tired of feeling sorry for him.  It really sucks.

So, let’s go back to my fantasy.  I think FB is actually very different from what I thought.  He will get me through the night.  I need to get out of here.  Luckily, Jack and Chad just left for  – you guessed it – hockey.  Good.  He wanted me to give him money for gas tonight and I said I didn’t have any.  Go fuck yourself.  Figure out that there is no money and don’t fucking go, ass hole.

I am really pissed off.  I am dreading this weekend.  I will just hang with my friends.  I will not be working and not be at home looking at the clutter and try to enjoy myself. 

Right now I want to go to the gym tomorrow right now and see FB.  It isn’t time.  I am afraid he will be late tomorrow and I will miss him.  I am definately going to go back if I do.  I will just kerplunk right next to him.   I will follow him around and put on my kimono and walk and take little teeny steps.  I don’t care.  I need him to save me right now.  I will admit it.

Other gym friends:  SM and I have been being civil to each other.  I even talked to my first friend there – I will name him FF for first friend.  We had stopped talking for a while – he had told me that he had a really long and detailed sex dream about me.  After that things were never the same.  It was just plain awkward.  So it was fun to talk to him again.

I had a long elliptical chat with CM the car man.  We were really laughing.  He was talking about when he was young and the parents would pick up the kids from school or activities and throw them in the back without seats or seat belts.  But the funny part was that the parents would be drinking – one mother would have a Tall Boy Beer in between her legs.  We were envisioning eye witness news doing an OJ chase down Route 7 with the helicopters filming for live TV.  We were laughing so hard that it was really fun.  Things were much different back then.  Much more relaxed.

It is good to laugh.  I love FB.  I hate Jack.  What else can I say?  Thank God for my fantasy life.  Sybil is watching tv and I am ready for bed at 7:29 PM.  I never had my nap today.  More tomorrow!!!

Thanks for listening.  It definately helps.   I am getting clearer about things.  I have a plan for ME to make money and learn to sell better so that will help my escape plan. 

Thanks Again.

5-30-12

This is dangerous.  Jack in other room.  Sybil across from me.  Just have to say – long night, but this mornig, FB hung out with me fo a while.  I was talking to him instead of working out, which makes him very special.  Never did it for SM.  Then, he was getting on the treadmill, so he said, get on.  He said, “wow, it goes by fast when you are talking to someone you like.”  I said, ” who is that?”   He said, “you.”

So, I’ll take it.  I like that he likes me.  We treadmilled and I knew I was missing the planking, but I said to myself, I am not going to give up this time.  We were talking about kids, and he wanted to know where I went to college.  I told him and he said, “I never met anyone who went to an Ivy League School.”

Then, he was going to the back and he kind of said come on so I was following him.  I told him I should be wearing a kimono and shuffling my feet.  I am kind of embarassed because I was following him and asked what was next and he said, “there’s your group.”  Oops.  So I joined them late.  I didn’t care.  One of the girls I think likes him and I think she was giving me the hairy eye ball.  Oh well.  She has a flat ass and he likes a round one.

When I was stretching he came over right next to me even though there was barely room.  We continued to talk and then walked out together.  I hope DH and SM were watching!!!!!!!

So, it has kept me going through the day.  Jack had a lot to say on our ride to New York.  He gets to say whatever he wants like whatever he says or dies I am a pain in the ass basically.  If I say anything, he throws it in my face and designs our future around it.

I don’t fucking give a shit.  I have a good time when I am NOT talking to him.  I am fun and alive and nice and have a good time when I am NOT with him.  Please pray for me in Jamaica.  We will either come back divorced or happy.  I don’t know which I want.  I just realize that I have fun without him.  BUT, I do like a designated driver but I would probably be better off if I didn’t have one.  Either that or arrested.

I just can’t stop thinking about FB.  Who knows?  If I really got to know him in real life I might not like him.  BUT, what I like is that he is a MAN, has a JOB THAT PAYS MONEY, is so fucking fit and has a GREAT ASS!!!  AND, acts interested in what I say (some of the time).  He smiles when he sees me.  I loved today – even though I was missing planking, I figured I wasn’t going to leave him.   So the fuck what?

Anyway, time for bed.  He said he would see me tomorrow so I have to get there early.  I hope he is there on the early shift.

Thanks for listening.

Remind me to tell you about Melanie, my WW leader.

5-29-12

It’s Tuesday after Memorial Day.  Last night was fun.  We had people over and drank wine and ate good food.  I am making calls as I type.  It is hard to remember who I am dialing……..OK,,,,right now I am calling Lydia…..

Went to the gym this morning and talked to FB.   I am so crushing on him (if that is a phrase).  I keep thinking about him and it is getting bad.  I think I have to compartmentalize him so the thoughts don’t affect my life.  I am thinking about him all the time.  I think the underlying theme is “he definately going to save me.”   He will take me into his life and I won’t have to deal with my own.  Do I really know him?  Irrelevant in the thinking.  Fantasies are not based in reality.  That’s why they are fantasies.

BUT, even so, I have a real physical attraction to him and I just love to talk to him as well.  It makes me happy when he is at the gym.  Just knowing he is there makes me happy.  There is no contact outside of the gym.  AND, I have no idea if he thinks of me at all.  BUT, my crushing is HUGE. 

On the reality front,  Jack was asking me what I was REALLY feeling about the marriage this morning on the phone.   I told him honestly what was missing.  Passion, fun, love, empowerment, someone who likes me and wants to spend time with me.  Someone who thinks I’m ok just the way I am.

He said that he does like me and love me, but he doesn’t think there is any hope for us because of how I feel.  I told him not to use what I say against me.   That I am saying how I feel right now.  Not forever.

I really don’t know what to do.   I am not attracted to Jack at all right now. 

Part of me thinks I am just being stupid and should appreciate what I have. Secretly “longing for” hot guys at the gym might just be self-destructive.  I know my serial fantasies keep me from having to deal with Jack.  I’m ok with that for right now because I just don’t want to.   It is too frustrating, exhausting, and has little hope for the future in terms of fun, finances, and excitement.  Is that too much to ask for?

I want more, but I am afraid I am being stupid.  Some people that get divorced are REALLY happy and some people have regrets.  I don’t want to be one of the people who say, wow, I had it good, what was I thinking?

But, I also don’t want to be one of those people who say, ” why did I stay in a miserable marriage for so long?”

Jack makes it seem like it is my fault.  I must WANT IT TO BE THIS WAY.  I HAVE JUST WHAT I WANT.   

Fuck him, man.  I am doing the best I can.   That’s all I can say.   I’m not going to worry about it right now.  (I am calling Jacob…….)  There is nothing I can change right now.  Would FB be right for me in reality?  I don’t know.  It’s just the fantasy that he loves me “truly” that keeps me going on him.   I will probably never know, but I do like him.  I really feel like we bonded last week.  If it’s only has friends, then I am glad to have him as a friend. 

I love having Steve as a friend, too.  He always tells me I look nice.  We were joking this morning that I need to record him.  I need a button that I can press and hear him say “you look nice today.”  “You look good in red.”  “I like your butt”, whatever.  He is a good uplifting person to be around.

Why can’t I feel that way about Jack?  I just don’t know.  I think I will lie down for a few minutes and then go get weighed.  I don’t have to make any decision, but I will definately be thinking about FB.  There is just something about him that is so real.  Who knows?  Let’s just get through another day.

5-28-12

Havimg people over today;  It’s Memorial Day.  It’s a good thing because we have to clean up the house if we have people over.  That’s a good thing.  We get rid of a lot of clutter. 

 I am REALLY tired.  Went to the gym this morning a little later today.  My body really hurts, but I have until Friday and then I WILL HAVE EXERCISED EVERY DAY FOR A YEAR.  I can’t remember a day that I missed and I only realized that last week.  Since our trip to Mexico last year,  which was a week from Thursday, I think I’ve done something every day.  

Last year I went with Sybil to Mexico because I won the trip and Jack didn’t want to go.  It was her 13th birthday on the day we left last year.  We had a good time.  I was in the throes of my fantasy with DH, and happy to not be with Jack.

It was really enjoyable  to NOT be with Jack.  On the way home, we were in the airport on a layover, and one of the guys was sitting next to me and leaning into me.  I was revelling in the physical touch, realizing that Jack and I, at that time, had NONE.  Not even a touch on the shoulder.  At that moment I realized how much I missed it.  I love to be touched or to hug people.  It was a big missing for me and I decided I WOULD NOT live without it for the rest of my life.

Weird how things come to your mind, right?  DH was a little friendly today.  Since he told me he cheated on his wife a few years ago, I think he is having ideas.  Well, screw him.  He could have had me a year ago.  I would have left my family and lived in his woods at that time.  Whatever.  Maybe I am imagining it. 

I am really not interested in him anymore which is a miracle if you knew how obsessed I was last year.  I am not into sex for sex’s sake.  Not my style.  I want the emotional connection.  I want to be able to talk to the person.  I don’t want a quickie and wham bam thank you ma’am.  Just not worth it.  That’s what vibrators are for.  No strings and no emotional attachment involved.  I figure if I like it with the guy and want to see him again, I just have to sit there waiting for them to call because they are married or have “gotten their rocks off” and don’t need to see me again.  FORGET IT!!!!  Been there, done that.  Very disturbing.

I did get the book 50 or 80 shades of Grey, whichever it is, but I stopped reading it.  I just didn’t want to get all horny again like I was with SM.  I was a maniac.  I did buy new batteries for Purple Bob (Battery Operated Boyfriend), but I just wasn’t in the mood to get all hot and bothered again.  Crazy, but true.  Just don’t want to go there without a real man outlet.  Not into Jack in that way I am very sorry to say.  Jamaica should be interested.  I will have to have some alcoholic stimulation or something.

People are coming over in an hour and a half.  I am on the deck again, sweating in the beautiful heat and humidity.  We are pretty much ready. 

Didn’t see FB today or yesterday.  I am wondering how he is doing.  He said Saturday was his only day off, so he might be working. 

I wonder what he does and if he even thinks about me.  Probably not.  He said that he didn’t go after people’s kids, families, money or food.  That probably means I am off limits.  OR, maybe he has no interest at all.  Well, I don’t need to know that until I find my next crush.   I will live in my mind, not in reality.   Obviously, I have a need to fantasize about more fun, passion, love and sex so that I can maintain a sense of balance at home.  If I think this is all there is, I get upset.  If I think about how we can’t pay the bills, I get upset.    There are alot of things that I COULD think about and get upset. 

So, better to stay happy and enjoy the day, right?    Don’t answer that.

I have Patty to always point out the negative of a situation.  She can turn anything good into a negative:

– I look good – you’re old and fat

– I’m working out – you should take a day off.  You are obsessed.  You are crazy.

– I have great kids – you are a terrible mother.  You are not like your mother.  You are selfish and absentee.

– I’m doing ok at work – you suck – you are a loser

– I’m in good shape – look at the stomach flab – your arm flab still shakes

So, you see, I already have a built in critic.  She can bring me down.  Forget looking in the mirror.  That is a quick downer.  Or a photograph, like I said before.  UGLY.  But that is true.  Those pictures are heinous.  My hair looks dark and ugly and it doesn’t look like me.  Sometimes I don’t think I look that bad until I see a picture.  WHOA NELLY I say, when that horrible Voice Control goes on my phone.  Who is that ugly girl?  Oh my God, it’s me!!!

Now, how  did I get to that?  Oh, Patty.  Yes, that is why I don’t like to be judged.  Because I have Patty built in.  She doesn’t need any help.

I just realized I didn’t take a shower yet and so didn’t apply sunscream to face in my moisturizer.  Well, Patty can have a field day with that one.  Yeah, she’ll say, you will get tan, but so what?  You are so ugly you need foundation so being tan is a waste. PLUS, you don’t need more wrinkles, do you?

See, she can always come in and make me feel bad.  IF I LET HER.  Well, Patty, Hilarious Helena is not going to let you ruin by day.  So, butt out.  Money, wrinkles, fat,……not gonna do it to quote George Bush.  Not going there.

OK, enough of this, I don’t even know what I am talking about.  One more thing – Wednesday I am spending the day with my state coordinator and I have NO appointments for him.  Nothing has been booked and I am a little freaked out.  BUT, Hilarious Helena is not going down today.  I will have a good time and deal with all the shit tomorrow. 

Thanks for listening.  I need a name.   OK, got it.  Have a good Memorial Day!!!!!

5-27-12 Second blog

After I wrote the last post I went to the gym.  I got there about 7:30 AM.  I was trying to finish my book by Barbara Bradford, “Letter from a Stranger.”  Since I couldn’t sleep, I decided to go earlier than my 8:30 AM class.  I did 15 minutes on the elliptical, 15 on the bike, and 10 walking.  I was crying because of the book.  She is a great writer in that she captures you and you REALLY want to know what’s going to happen next, so it was nice to just relax while exercising and read.  It’s nice to not be in a rush on the weekends.

While I was concerned about my neck, I needn’t have been.  It didn’t hurt at all.  Why do these things hurt more at home. HMMMMMMM.  Why am I always more miserable at home (at least when Jack’s around)?

I did my hour of torture with Maria in Flex.  It seems that I get to the gym looking pretty good, or at least according to my friend Steve, who is more like a great girl friend than a guy.  , I love when he tells me I look good every day.  That makes my morning.  He should be gay, really, but he’s not.  He’s very sensitive, notices what I am wearing, and always compliments.  Compliments are better than sex – well, almost.

So, I get there looking fresh.  After Maria’s class I’ve got my hair in a headband AND ponytail, my make-up is gone, and I look like a drowned rat.  It’s a good look, let me tell you.  Luckily, by that time, my friends are gone and, except for this little guy that I was introduced to, I don’t know anyone walking by the classroom.  I stay by the windows so I can look for male eye candy.  It makes the time go by faster.  Then, when I do Zumba at 9:45, I can shake my groove thing and nobody I know is watching my drowned rat look with my shaking booty.   Today she played her old songs which were alot more fun – Club can’t handle me now, Love Shack, On the Floor.   Very fun.

I was thinking about my life and what I had said.  SM was there and I talked to him, but I am pretty much over him.  He was so freaking critical when he was driving around with us last week. Besides my shoes and my driving, he also picked on my car.  “Why is it dirty when it’s a new car?”

Two months old is plenty of time to get dirty in my book.  I decided he’s a compulsive germophobe and neat freak, with a side of  cheating pervert thrown in.  Can’t be much fun at home.  He said his wife wears alot of clothes to bed.  I wonder why!!!!  That’s probably why he strays.  Not my problem.  He’s really friendly when Lovely Lady isn’t there.  Well, fuck you too ass hole.  Excuse my French.

Although, on the other hand, I feel a sort of bond with him because we have shared things about ourselves.   I like him on a certain level because I know him.  We are sort of like brother and sister or friends that give each other a hard time.  It is fine.  I am still a little jealous, but only because he spends more time with LL than he ever did with me.  I didn’t work out with him or run with him.  I kind of said hi and watched from afar.  Silly me.

Let’s throw in slick as well.  Now that my jealousy has re-emerged, I’ll  make myself feel better by putting him down either more, OK?

No FB or DH today, and EM was far away.  So, not much to go by except friend Steve and SM.  But, it’s ok, I had a good workout.  I left the gym around 11:00, so after about 3.5 hours.  No wonder I could barely walk to my car.  (I am not going to let Patty say I am compulsive here, I am tired of her insults.  I am healthy and fit thank you very much). 

When I was driving home I was filled with dread.  I really didn’t want to have a nasty day like yesterday.  I realized that I have been Irina the Independent Bitch for a while.  Just staying safe and not participating in life with Jack.  Ready for the next attack at all times.  Fighting back with nasty words.  Did I really want to leave?

 I saw a young girl primping in front of the mirror.  Do I really want to go back out to the dating scene?  I hated that.  I hate to say it, but, apart from my fantasy love affair with FB and my old fantasy with DH, and my real thing with SM, AND, the passion that I am missing and the REAL LOVE, ……….there is some comfort in just being able to be downright ugly at home.

Not having to worry about whether somebody will notice my vericose veins or lack of perfect body.  The wrinkles over my lip.  Being able to just wear HOME clothes.  To be able to stay home and read a book.  To sit out in the sun like I am doing right now, sweat running down my upper lip – I know, TMI.

It is nice not to have to share my kids and have someone around to share some of the burdens.  I can’t believe I am saying anything good about my marriage.    Don’t tell anyone.  It will ruin my whole “misery” schtick.  (Oooh – that’s scary, isn’t it?)

Part of me realizes that since we are going away to Jamaica together this Friday, it would be really miserable,  and a waste,  to not get along in an island paradise.  Jack won the trip, not me.  If I won, I would have taken one of the kids instead of him.  BUT, since I like vacations, I get to go with him.  It’s just a few days.

So when I got home today, it was ok.  He said he was glad I was home.  Really?  I said.  We actually had a civil conversation about what to serve tomorrow.   He got a little superior when he told me that no one argues with him, I said he must be from a superior blood line.  That didn’t even goad him into attacking!!  (Interesting, was I trying to?  Why would I do that?)

We made a grocery list and he left to go shopping because we are having a few people over tomorrow.   He was helpful and took the bottles and cans to be returned without me asking.   As long as I don’t think about the fact that our verizon is about to be turned off because we can’t pay the bill, I am ok.  I actually could pay it, but it will wipe out our tiny little reserve.   I will see – I would hate to lose the phones.  We just have so much due that it is nasty to think about.  OK, I’m not going to ruin Sunday thinking about the bills.

This week Jack did help me get one of our new people over her number which will help us, but it meant giving half the commission away.  He did it without complaining, probably because he knows we will get it back.  It was actually very nice of him and I COULD be grateful for it and EVEN tell him that.  No promises though.

So, the point is that I didn’t need to discuss why we weren’t getting along or THAT we weren’t getting along or what all the problems were.  I blogged them yesterday and this morning and it was like, POOF, they didn’t need to be discussed to have some peace.  I am not saying they are totally gone, but not seeing FB and thinking he may be with a girl or something made me think I need to GET A LIFE, as they say.  So, in the interest of ME and MY LIFE, it would be better to just be civil.  We will see what happens from there. 

It is really hot and Patty would say that I am self-destructive for sitting in the sun without sunscreen anywear but my face.  At least I have it there.  I have enjoyed our little time together.  (Really?  you ask.)  Yes, it is very helpful to me to get this stuff out.  Talking to Jack is just not always a good idea because he gets REALLY DEFENSIVE and then ATTACKS ME.  It is quite destructive.  I know his love language is words of assurance so I might even try to say something nice today.  Again, I am not promising, I am just telling you I MIGHT.

Somehow, his paying attention to me defused me when I got home.  My love language is quality time.  It is so simple, so why is it so hard?  Good question, I’ll get back to you.

Thanks for listening.  I am sweating again and need another shower.  Oy vay!!!!  Oh, I need a title.  Any sugesstions?

5-27-12 6:41 AM

I have been up for hours and it is Sunday.  The gym doesn’t open until 7:00 AM, but I don’t want to get there too early since my first class doesn’t start until 8:30 AM.  That is Flex with Maria which is really hard.  Then, I have Zumba for fun.  By the time I am done, it is 10:45 and I am really, really tired as it is.  So, I am going to write a little before I go. 

Things are really bad with Jack.  If I say anything, he responds in a very disturbing matter.  It’s hard to describe, but it is like what I am saying is either stupid or I am an ass hole or he is at a loss at what to do with me.  So I have been staying away from him even though we are in the same house.   In bed, I put my second pillow between us since my back usually hurts.  Now that the back is ok, I hurt my neck yesterday and it is hard to get comfortable.  Frankly, this neck thing really hurts if I move a certain way.so I have to be careful today that I don’t make it worse.

That is one of the things that isn’t so good that I do.  I go to the gym every day whether I am sick or hurt.  People say you should take a day off, but I haven’t in a year.  Well, on Friday it will be a year, so I am going to get there.  If I can’t get there, I exercise in the hotel or take a walk at home.  I am out to hit a year.

Back to Jack.,….I am sure it is partially my fault for ignoring him.  I think he starts getting crazy after a while, but, most of the time it is irrelevant.  He is either not home or if he is home, he is on the computer or watching tv.  So, there isn’t a lot of time that he would actually be aware that we are not in “communication.”  Most of the time he is in his own little world.

Last night we had dinner with the kids, and then I took Chad to a friends house.  I came back and was doing the quick books for our business.  I had a lot to catch up on – I hate doing it, but once I get into it, I am determined to get caught up.  In two nights, I have caught up two out of the four accounts.  I haven’t filed the papers in six months, so I want to get to that before the holiday weekend is over.  We actually have some of Chad’s parents friends coming over on Monday for a cookout.  The weather better be good, or we are in trouble.  No room.

So I was doing that and reading my book very happily.  It keeps the WW points down and we don’t spend money by not going out.  Jack asked me if I wanted to take a ride and I said NO.  My neck hurt and I was really looking forward to lying down and reading.  Just keeping my head straight up was tying it in knots.

Now, he would probably say that I never want to do anything.  Well, I don’t want to do anything – WITH HIM!!  He is not fun and we always end up in a fight if I say anything.  If I let him talk we are fine.  He just drones on and on about what he wants to talk about.  But, if I talk about anything that is a concern of mine – money, bills, Chad’s grades, the future, the lack of relationship that we have – obviously these are difficult topics and we get into a fight. 

Is there something else I could talk about?  What?  The boys I have crushes on would not be a good topic.  Anything medical, for example,  the fact that I am still bleeding and cramping from my procedure and I am concerned that it should have stopped, would simply be ignored by him.

If I talk about my friends, he says something derogatory about them which pisses me off.  If I talk about work, he starts giving me a lecture telling me what to do which also aggravates me.  I can never just finish what I am saying, so it kind of makes me not want to start.

So where does that leave us?  In a house together, even in a bed together (on separate sides), but not really getting along.  When I go places with Sybil, sometimes we can talk and laugh, sometimes she is just moody and bitchy.

When I go places with Chad, we usually have fun if he is not texting his friends.  I have told him that that isn’t nice to do when he is with me, since I rarely get to spend time with him.  He is getting better.  He is fun and USUALLY not nasty.  Only when he is hungry or tired or frustrated like the rest of us.

Uh oh.  I hear someone.  I would hate for Jack to read this.  Very hurtful I think.  At least I am not talking about other stuff like last night he read my journal.  That was a nasty, yet freeing, night.  A story for another blog.

I don’t have an answer, but I think something is going to blow.  He can only keep in how bad he feels for a little while. It will come out as an attack and he will be right.  I go to sleep early so that I can work out.  I don’t ever want to do anything.  I make him feel like he is a failure.  I don’t say nice things to him – Actually that would help him feel better since words are his love language, but since I resent and distrust him so much, it is hard for me to say anything nice.

Would it make my life easier?  Yes.  But I just don’t like  or respect him.  I hate his immaturity about finances.  He is mean.  He is self-absorbed.  He doesn’t REALLY want to know me or listen to me.  He will do it as a device if he has to, but then interrupt.  I guess my love language is quality time – that is mostly about LISTENING to me and PAYING ATTENTION.  That is why I like my gym boys.  Because, at times, they will listen to me and pay attention and be interested.  Granted, it is only for a short period of time, but it is enough to make me feel good.

I don’t get that at home, hence I feel unloved and alone.  There you have it folks, the simple, easy solution to life.  I feel good there because people listen and act happy to see me.  At home I am met with derision.  I am an annoyance and someone to be shat upon. Where would you prefer to be?

Now, is the gym a real place?  Can I substitute one for the other?  No, but I can grab some happiness in this dismal home existence, right?  Plus I get a work out. 

Patty can use the gym against me by saying negative things like I just explained above.  She can ruin anything.  You are too obsessed.  You go every day – you should take a break.  You have an injury.  BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.  Well, fuck you Patty.  Why do you have to ruin everything?:  Why do you have to bring me down?  I am just trying to enjoy the day.

Because you are a loser and unlovable.  Look at yourself.  52 years old, practically alone, not making enough money, not being nice to your family, thinking that someone else is going to come along and give you a great, romantic, financially sound relationship?  Get a grip and hold on to what you have, honey.  You are just lucky not to be alone, homeless and living on a piece of cardboard.

Wow – that is Patty.  She lives in my head.  She keeps me down whenever I get notions of leaving and going for a great life.   Settle for what you have even though it sucks – is her message.  Why?  That’s what I will go figure out this morning.  My friend taught me this Gesthalt method where you let the two voices in your head have a conversation.  It is fascinating.  It sounds crazy, but it works.  Once these two hash it out – I can usually get some freedom.

The second girl is Independent Irina.  She is independent and doesn’t need anyone else.  She is tough.  BUT, inside, she is just a sad, frightened little girl who was scared.  She developed a tough shell to keep the hurts out – I don’t need anybody else.  I am tough.  BUT, inside, she has a lot of stuff that she never admitted.  That all the criticism and nastiness from the family really did hurt.  All of the times that she was hurt and pretended to be fine – THEY DID HURT.  She stored them all up and pretends to be fine because she “shouldn’t be upset.”   When I had been to the therapist those 3 times, I was starting to let those things out which were painful, but she saw it as I needed to be medicated.  Fuck her.

Anyway, it is time to get to the gym.  I want to get there by 7:30 don’t ask me why.  I don’t know where I’ve gotten to.  Why would Patty need to keep Irina in her shell?  Why does she keep beating on her?  I think Irina needs to come out in a nice way and say that we need to work together.  Irina will stop acting so independent if Patty can stop being so mean.  We need to love each other so that at least we are not at war inside the head.  We need to build up the Main Me so that I have the strength to develop an income and then have some choices if I want to separate.

I think I get so sensitive to Jack because if Patty is already beating me up and then he says something mean as well, it is more than I can take.  If he ignores me or is short, it is more of the same.

Anyway, I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone but me, but that’s ok.  I am just trusting my fingers to type.  I am not judging or editting at this point.  There is too much to clear out of my mind to spend time editting.  Maybe later or maybe I will never go back and read this stuff.

I feel like I need a good cry, but it wreaks havoc with my eye makeup!!!!  Maybe on the way home.

Thanks for listening and have a good Memorial Day weekend.

5-26-12 Part B

The thing with the Fantasies.  It’s as if I don’t want to be disloyal to them by being nice to Jack.  So I don’t talk about him except in complaining terms.  It’s part of the thing.  With DH, until he told me that he had had an involvement with someone about ten years before, and that he wouldn’t stray again, I wasn’t going to give Jack another chance.  I thought we were meant to be, and that, of course, he was destined to be with me.  So, when he said that he was staying faithful, that was my way of freeing myself mentally from him.  It wasn’t me, it’s just the way things were.  He was devoted to his wife again.

Now, funny thing is, he told me today that a couple of years ago, a woman, who was not his wife, admired his naked butt.  I was talking about being a butt girl, that I admire a nice firm ass on a guy, and he said, that a couple of years ago someone admired his who was not his wife.  I said, “only once, with all the working out you do?”  That’s when he said, ” I was naked at the time.” 

“Oh,”  I said.  So much for being devoted.  And here I thought he had become a good guy.  Well, I am wondering if it was “the Beast,”  the one I saw him with during the hurricane.  My theory was that his wife was away and he was staying with the Beast.  They were very lovey dovey and he would walk in with her.  The phone lines were out and I wonder if his wife was somewhere else.  It crushed me as at the time, “we were meant to be.”   He was my first Serial Fantasy.  If he was going to cheat, it was supposed to be me.

Luckily (sort of), that was when SM started to pursue me.  He laid it on fast.  He told me how sexy I was, that I was built for sex, and that the first time he saw me he wanted me.  This didn’t happen the first day, though.  We started talking at the gym a few times and he was helping me with my new iphone.  He was talking about something called i something where you could get music for working out.

On one day, Jack actually came to the gym and it really bumbed me out because he was invading my escape world.  When I got to my car, SM had left his business card with the word on it on my car.  I was excited and I emailed him at work.  We emailed a few times and then he said “big brother is watching, can I text you or call you?”  And that’s how we started communicating outside of the gym.  He wanted to get together and I got freaked out.

I had had a crush on DH, but never took it outside of the gym except in the parking lot where we would talk sometimes (I would time our exits if I could – pathetic, but true).  So, at the beginning I thought SM was a little bit of a creep.  I had never actually cheated or done anything.   I knew it was crossing the line.  We tried to get together a few times, but the first time, my daughter’s friend was killed that day and I needed to go get her.  The second time, he wanted to meet where my work people went, and I couldn’t do that.  The third time I can’t remember.  That’s when he pulled back.

We would text and it would get sexual.  I hadn’t had sex with my husband in years, and I started thinking that no one else would have the balls that SM has, and this might be my only chance to have it.  When he started acting nonchalant and no big deal, I started getting more into the idea.

I won’t go any further today, but, just to say, I completely justified what I did.  I was getting nothing at home for a long time.  I had told Jack that I didn’t want a life without sex and passion and companionship.  I wasn’t going to continue in this relationship as it was.  I told him and he would make promises and nothing would change.  It wasn’t like I just went out and cheated.  I REALLY had never looked at anyone until DH after the “Halloween incident” where I had had enough.  (Another story for another time).  

The weird part is that with each fantasy – SM was different than DH and FB, I never envisioned us together in the future – I didn’t want to be with Jack.  i feel like if I do, they will go away or give up on me.  AND, I can’t let them or I have to deal with my real life.  I know they can be replaced, but I get really attached to them while they are “IT.”  It is very strange and I don’t even tell my friends anymore because it sounds so dumb. 

I have to go.  The boys are home and I don’t want them to see this.

Thanks for listening.  I know it’s weird, but it’s true. 

5-26-12

I am not going back and editting AND I don’t know how to do a blog, BUT, I am writing something and it’s out there and that’s something!!!  If there’s typos, etc., I apologize in advance.

There is so much to say today.  It is Saturday, I worked out, and here I am, sitting at Starbucks while Sybil tumbles.  There is so much going through my mind so I am just going to let my fingers type.

I am sad about my marriage.  REALLY SAD!  I was leaving with Sybil, and Jack looks up and acts like I am doing something wrong by not stopping to chat.  I said, I have been here for hours and you didn’t talk to me.  Why is it that whenever I am going out the door and late, you decide to notice that I am there?

It is really annoying.  He does his own thing ALL the time, with no indication that he knows I am a person in the house, and all of a sudden, when I am out the door, he wakes up.  I am just tired of having nothing with him.  I keep looking to see if it is me – am I just a bad, difficult person?  I don’t think so.  Most people seem to like me. They think I am kind, good-hearted, fun, good energy.  So why does the one person I am legally freaking bound to treat me like a piece of shit.  I guess I have allowed it.  I am just tired of it.

We have nothing in common except our work and our children and our house.  I guess that’s alot, but I feel like I have always wanted to have a great romantic, passionate love life and this just isn’t it.  I have given it so many tries.  I really have, that I am just tired of trying.  I don’t think Jack MEANS to be an ass hole.  I think his cluelessness just drives it.

If I could afford to leave, and not be worried about money, I think I would hesitate a little, but not that much.  I lived alone for many years when I was working.  I don’t want to break up the family unit, but it’s not so hot for the kids right now and I would hate for this relationship to be their model for life.  They will end up with people they dislike but are  stuck with. 

Jack started in on me today and I said, “I only know what you’ve told me.  I got out the computer and went through the numbers so I didn’t have to deal with his never ending lecture and philosiphisizing (sp?) which frankly bores me.  If I start talking, it always ends up being about him.  I can never talk for too long without him cutting in and going off about something about him.  I think he is basically self-referenced.  I’m not sure if all men are, but I don’t think so.

AND, do we just dislike each other because we are married?  Is that what happens when you get married?  Do you have to become each other’s enemies, or are we just badly suited after all these years?

I mean, I really don’t want to have to be alone for financial reasons.  I am not in a career where I am confident about my abilities and I do rely on Jack which is a problem.  EET IS FUCKED UP, as my son would say in a Mexican accent.  Before, I had a good job, was confident, knew what I was doing, and how no attention on money.  I saved my money, I took vacations with my savings, plus I put money away for the future.  It worked.  No stress.

Now, I am married to someone who not only spends what he has, but spends before he has it.  It is an endless cycle of trying to cover negative balances and trying to pay any bill with whatever money comes in.  I HATE IT AND IT SUCKS!!!!  I resent Jack for not being more mature and responsible in this area.  I know he was not trained, but for God’s sake, he is a 64 year old man.  “GROW THE FUCK UP AND TURN YOUR PANTS SO THE ZIPPER IS IN THE FRONT!!!”  (I borrowed the second half of that from some old friends.  Not the beginning as they did not SWEAR!!!)

I am not his mother and I don’t like being the only grown up.  (I don’t mean to just be negative, but I am trying to get out my resentments to see if there can be any love left!!)   He asks me if he can go to fucking Costco!!!  Look at the bank account and see if there is money, ass hole!!!  Why do I have to be the one to say no?  Wimp.  Wimp.  Wimp.  Tries to be the good guy.  Tries to act like he is the good one.  Your mother says,……your mother says……..  Fucking grow a pair, dude!!!!!  (This feels good – thanks for letting me vent – I am having a good time!!!)

And another thing, ……(thinking…there must be more…)  I hate that hockey is the only thing you care about.  Watching hockey on tv, going to hockey games, obligating us to $9000 to a hockey team when we have $6000 this month in bills that we haven’t paid.  How can a grown man justify that?  How can we ever have a future when we are going deeper into debt and financial obligations than we are paying bills?   Makee no sensee to use a Chinese phrase. 

He was just calling me but I am not going to answer.  I have very little free time where I can type without anyone seeing what I am doing so I will get back to him.  Fuck him as my father would say.

So, here is where my confusion lies:  I love my house, my children, and being a family.  So, I would to lose that. 

BUT, I also either want to be alone OR to be in a relationship that is empowering, hopeful, abundant, fun, passionate, loving, with someone who lifts me up, not brings me down.

Could I have this with Jack?  I just think he is so clueless that most of it wouldn’t happen.  I don’t think inside he is a bad person, just that he is severly limitted and can be quite an ass hole and not aware of it.  I am tired of being the brunt of his verbal attacks which he claims not to be aware of.   It has assisted me in feeling REALLY Bad about myself inside.  To being criticized in the following areas of the years:

– what I wear – he would go into a store and tell the saleslady “she needs help.  Please help her.”  Now, I let him do this.  I agreed that I didn’t have confidence in this area, but looking back, I should have said, FUCK OFF ASS HOLE, I am wearing what I want to.  Fuck you.

– How I cook – It is like I never did before and I am also needing help.  Now, mind you, I had boyfriends in the past who completely loved and appreciated what I made.  I like cooking for people who appreciate it.  BUT, Jack completely dismissed my efforts and ridiculed my abilities so much that I just stopped and will pretty much only cook when he is not around.

– Speaking – he will just interrupt me and never let me get a whole idea out – OR, he picks on words in such a way that whatever I am trying to say gets lost and I end up defending my choice of words instead.  It REALLY SUCKS AND IS VERY FRUSTRATING AND DEBILITATING!!!

– Fun life – there is none – fun to him is hockey.  I don’t even try to figure out where we can go together, because, frankly, I would rather stay home and read a good book  then go out with him, fight, and spend money we don’t have.  If this makes me boring, that’s ok.  If he was fun and nice and managed his money, I might have something to look forward to.

 – Sex – doesn’t exist, well, it didn’t for a long time.  Now that he actually wants it, there are problems there (enough said) and it isn’t any different than I could do myself thank you very much.  Read between the lines.

On a positive note, he never REALLY insulted me when I gained weight, BUT, I guess he sort of did by not having anything to do with me, although, that started  before I gained the weight.  I probably gained it because I was so miserable and felt it wouldn’t make a difference.  It wasn’t going to affect my sex life since I didn’t have one.

THE HOUSE – it is small, and while we have a great deck over looking the water, the house is always cluttered up.  It isn’t just his fault, but, in a couple there is usually a neat one and we just don’t have one.  I resent that if it is to be uncluttered, it has to be me.  I guess if I just threw out his stuff he wouldn’t notice, but the problem is that i ask him to go through it.  Then it never happens. 

I won’t comment on his body.

I guess my question is:  Is it Normal to Hate Your Husband?  I can see why people have affairs.  Someone starts being nice to you and you get a little attached.  It feel so good to have somebody actually listen and act like I have some value.  FB, for instance, says, “I like it” when I tell him things sometimes.  That is so little, but it means so fucking much.  (Sorry for swearing, it just helps make my point).  He actually complimented me the other day saying that my shirt looked good.  That means so much.

He took me into his confidence.  He also thought that Sybil making varsity cheerleading was really great.  That she had a goal and worked for it and accomplished it.  He listens to me and validates me and it is SO nice.  Of course I have a crush on him and a fantasy that we could live happily ever after.  I envision him ACTUALLY being nice.  That is so fucking pathetic, isn’t it?  What I like about him is that he is REAL.  No visions of grandeur or bragging – Jack always has to name drop or fabricate stories and brag about himself.  It kind of makes me sick, actually, that he is obviously so insecure.

So, I can understand why I serial fantasize.  Today after the gym I decided that FB likes me only as a friend.  I was about to tank – uh oh – all I have is my real life!!!  No!!  Can’t go there.  To actually deal with my marriage issue and Jack.  To try to communicate and make it work!!  NO WAY!!!  Inside my head I was having a tantrum like a two or three year old – YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!!!!!  I DON’T HAVE TO!!!  So, I decided that, of course, I am the true love of FB.  He is just biding his time.  Phew!!!  Fantasy saved, but I realize I need some back up – GBILF’s!!!!  Gym Boys……if I haven’t explained this one yet.  I will look around.  EM talked to me today.  AND, I had a long talk with DH, my very first Serial Fantasy.  He is nice, but not as deep as FB.  I love to talk to FB.  He is real and A REAL MAN!!  Definately a Bad Boy, but at least he is real.  No pretense.

So, can you blame me?  I guess it doesn’t matter.  I am still afraid of someone I know reading this, but eventually I hope someone will.  However, it is therapeutic and similar to leaving voicemails.  No one interrupts.  I can vent without interruption, judgement or advice, and I get to help myself. 

One last thought – I was happy that FB shared himself the other day with very personal information.  It made me feel like I wasn’t the only fucked up person in the universe.  I have no reason to be, after all.  I had great parents, a real home, sisters and brothers, and we had what we needed.  I did great in school, was an athlete and musician, and always supported myself no problem.  So, where did this come from?  I guess from all the well meaning criticism.  It just didn’t allow me to have confidence in myself in certain areas – some I am, but some I am not.  I will have to address this at another time.  My phone is ringing and Sybil is done.

Thanks for listening and sorry for not editting once again.

5-25-12 Part 2 

I was walking up the stairs at my son’s school and I got dizzy like I was going to pass out.  I said to my son, I must be dehydrated.  He said, “no, you’re just fat and old.” 

I was heading to the ladies room and looked in the mirror – “yup, I thought, he is right.”  I did look fat and old.  It sent me down the tubes of feeling bad when two seconds before I was thinking I looked pretty good.  I realized that there are a list of things I can avoid if I don’t want to go down the tubes – it is sort of meant to be funny, and sort of true I am sorry to say, based on the strength of if I feel good about myself or not.  If I feel better, I will need a few things to take me down.   If I am feeling low, I barely even need one.  Here is the list:

– looking in the mirror – all I have to do is catch a glimpse of myself in an unflattering mirror, and I can go from feeling like I am “looking good,” to feeling like an ugly, fat, old loser.   Sometimes I don’t even realize that it happened, I just know that all of a sudden I am in a bad mood and feeling bad.  I

– looking at the scale – Same thing.  I can look at a number and immediately feel like a big fat loser.

– seeing a photo of me – forgetaboudit – horrible – it’s just horrible – I don’t think I look that bad in real life – it sends me down the tubes immediately – ugh – terrible

– looking at my bank account – this makes me think the whole world is a messed up place and I want to get off and live in a cave and never talk to anyone ever again

– getting insulted by somebody- I think they are right and start feeling bad and Patty chimes in with all the other things that are wrong with me – I continue the insults until I catch myself and wonder why I am feeling so damn bad

– thinking I am being insulted by somebody- same as above – they might not even have meant it, but the same holds

– thinking someone is mad at me – I keep thinking and thinking about what I said to them and how I can apologize or make it up and obsess and obsess – sometimes I do say something and they usually don’t even know what I am talking about, but I do feel better once I’ve said something

– not getting a call back or email back – I am getting better about this (sometimes)

Well, that’s the list for now.  I know there are more, but my client is going to come back for me in a second.  I know this needs more work, but I gotta go.  More later.

Thanks for listening.

PS  Later last night I told my son that that was a nasty comment about being old and fat, and he said he was kidding.  I told him that I didn’t think it was funny as it is a sensitive topic for me.  He said he was sorry.  He is a good boy!!!  Gotta go.

5-25-12

I have finally figured out why I have these crushes.  Because the feeling you get is like a drug high.  BUT, it comes from “thinking” that the other person returns the feelings.  I imagine these great scenes that, while you would think they are sex scenes, are really more that they just love me.  They think I am a great person and they love me.   To me, that is like a high from a drug.  I don’t know why, but it feels good.  Reality is not really involved here, but I usually get a better high after talking to the crush.

For example, yesterday FB shared some very personal stuff with me, and it meant alot to me that he trusted me, plus it makes me feel closer to him.  There was nothing sexual or even innuendos, but it was the intimate act of sharing a secret that allows me to feel this happy feeling.  Nothing may happen, AND, while I know I was completely out of control in my first obsession with DH last year, knowing that I can “imprint” on different people keeps me fairly safe mentally.

While I had my first crush on DH, I was totally envisioning on us having a life together and, while I didn’t know how we would leave our spouses, I thought we were meant to be together.  It was definately out of control, but I didn’t realize it at the time since I thought it was FATE.  So, that aside, the good news is, as crazy as I was, I could move on to someone else.

OK – I lost my train of thought because I had to deal with a potential client – where was I?

So, while this is definately an escape from reality, it doesn’t put weight on like eating, it doesn’t put you into debt like gambling, it doesn’t have side effects like drugs, and while, it does have painful withdrawal, I have minimized those by finding the next crush victim.

I didn’t think there could be someone else after the last, but there always is.  There are more fish in the sea.  AND, it is alot better when you don’t actually have contact with them, because all the thoughts can be positive.  When I was actually involved with SM, I would go crazy if my text wasn’t returned, or if I didn’t hear from him, thinking it was over each time.  I had a lot of anxiety and felt TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL even though we were both married and I was DEFINATELY not interested in a future with him.  I was just addicted to the high that I got from our interactions.

This new crush with FB is much more controlled since I don’t talk to him out of the gym.  More like the DH only not as crazy.  I just like him, and like I said before, the THOUGHT that he returns the feeling is the high.  NOT BASED IN REALITY, but just the fantasy of it is enough to fuel me.

Is there a downside?  Yes, I have withdrawn from my husband, but, since I already had about 15 years ago, is that so bad?  I am using the fantasy to escape rather than food. 

If there’s another downside, let me know.  Right now I am going to enjoy feeling good rather than bad, if you don’t mind.