tiredoffeelingbad

I’m back from vacation.  At my desk.  Behind in my numbers, but not giving up.

I’ve been calling and emailing all day.  NOTHING!!!

And I don’t have the luxury of going down the tubes.

But I want to. My team is decimated.  One agent disappeared to Mexico.  One agent is in bed with vertigo.  Two of them are out there working but not selling.

My veterans are great, but not fully engaged so are sporadic.

So that leaves me.  And I am sucking wind right now.  Well, I am selling a little, but not enough to even get close to the weekly quota.

The other night we had a work dinner that I almost missed.  It was my first week back after 2.5 weeks away.  Even though I have had 7 out of 7 successful quarters in the last two years and I am actually looking like a winner, because I’m behind this quarter, I feel like a loser.  And because I can’t see how to make FAME happen (that’s what they call hitting our numbers),  I feel all alone and that I can’t do it.

So at this dinner, they were picking two winners to win $250.  I asked God for a sign.  I was feeling like I just needed something so I wouldn’t give up.  And they called my name.  I won the $250.  I was excited.  I thanked God for the sign.  And I was happy.

But that was last Thursday.  Now it’s Monday.  The sign has completely worn off.  What I need is another sign.

So, I’m going to create my own sign.  I never could see how to accomplish FAME in any of the last 7 quarters.  I did it anyway.  I was behind most of the quarters and did it anyway.

All I have to do is make appointments.  I have been calling the same people and it’s time to find new ones.  I have a whole list of contacts.  I need to just keep calling.  I need more in the pipeline.

I will not give up.  I will ask God for BIG miracles.  I will keep going.

(Even though my brain is telling me it’s futile – I just had to add that – this pep talk is only half working, so let me vent in my parentheses – NOTHING IS WORKING – NO ONE IS RESPONDING – EVERYONE DESERTED ME – I’M ALL ALONE – NO ONE ELSE CARES – I COULD DIE AND NO ONE WOULD EVEN KNOW – I’M SUPPOSED TO BE DATING AND I DON’T EVEN LOOK AT MEN – I’M OVER MY WEIGHT WATCHERS POINTS FOR THE WEEK – LIFE SUCKS – MY COTTAGE IS PROBABLY FLOODED FROM THE RAIN – I JUST WANT TO GO TO SLEEP – HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

OK – I feel better now.  (OR AT LEAST I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD.)

Back to the phones.  Thanks for listening.

I have had a whirlwind two weeks.  The first was in Canada at a vacation course called A Life that Sings.  We took areas of our lives that worked, and made them sing.  It was a great week.

Today I just got back from Hawaii, an AFLAC vacation that I qualified for.  It was beautiful and relaxing.

And now I am back on my deck, in my bathing suit, drinking a cup of coffee. Fighting the urge to “get back to work” or “worry about my numbers” or think that something is wrong.  And that I am wrong.  Intrinsically wrong.  Fundamentally wrong.  Because that’s my identify.  And, I have created a life where people treat me like I’m wrong and tell me what is wrong.  Because that was who I was.

Well, that’s what I learned today anyway.  After a fight with my mom as soon as I walked into her house.  I was picking up my car.  And it started.  And, with the help of my ex-husband who has seen this for years, he pointed out my identity.

Why do you think you have been struggling to get it right?  And I knew.  He was right.  I have been trying my whole life, exhausted and frustrated, to get IT Right.  And there is no IT.  And there is no right.  So it’s been an endless, tiring struggle with no end in sight.  Ever.

Because how I judged it was if I got criticized or made wrong.  Then I tried to figure out what I had done wrong.  And it never stopped.  And I couldn’t figure it out because it wasn’t real.

So, I sit here, up a couple of pounds, behind in my numbers at work, sore throat and tired and I am actually just enjoying BEING here.  The weight will come off, the numbers will be hit and I am present.  I close my eyes and feel the wind.  I may even take a nap and then go to the gym.

And I will make the calls I need to make.  And life is good.