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Being Free to be Annoyed

26 Apr

I was really annoyed last Saturday at a course I was taking.  And I didn’t think I should be.  And it was obvious.  I was acting like a freaking monster, picking fights left and right.  I had to leave early.  I couldn’t wait to go off and be by myself.  Because I hated everyone.

But the main person I hated was me.  What was wrong with me?  Why wasn’t I happy?  I shouldn’t hate everyone.  I shouldn’t be so miserable.  I should be wonderful and skipping through the tulips like all the other pollyannas.  But instead, everything anyone did or said sent me further into my tizzy.

The next day I went back to the course.  I knew I needed to talk to someone.  Everyone else was so happy.  I took one of the leaders aside and told her how I was feeling.  Instead of telling me I should be happy, she told me that yesterday she had felt the same way.

“Embrace your negativity,”  she said.  “You are powerful no matter how you are, so your negativity is just as strong as when you are positive.  You can’t fight it.  You just have to treat it as a friend and take it with you.”

I wasn’t sure that I understood that.  But later, someone told me to just accept being annoyed.  Or frustrated.  Or angry.  Don’t make it wrong.  Just acknowledge it.  No judgement.

So I’ve tried it, and it’s been very freeing.

And then tonight the funniest thing happened.  I had a call with some other writers, and one of them got on ranting and raving about how annoyed she was with some people she had been with last night.  She hated them.  She never wanted to see them again.  She went on and on and on detailing how she had fought with them and even her boyfriend was mad at her.

I started laughing.

“Why are you laughing at me?”  she asked.

“Because that’s exactly how I was Saturday.  It’s amazing.  I was annoyed and hated everyone, too.  But by getting into dialogue with people, I learned to accept however I was.  It has given me freedom.”

We continued to talk about how to use our feelings to make a difference for everyone.  Instead of hiding our negative feelings and making ourselves nuts, we can actually tell people.  Other people may be feeling the same.  We can step into the community instead of wanting to leave it.

The third person on the call hadn’t said a word.  We apologized for our rant. There was silence.

Finally she said, “I’m just glad it’s not be that’s annoyed this time.”

And we all laughed.

And the amazing thing is, I’m now looking forward to being annoyed or frustrated so I can try out my new strategies.  And that’s a miracle.

 

 

 

Saying NO

18 Apr

Why is it so hard to say no?  I wanted to tell the guy from last Friday that I was not interested, but I couldn’t.

I said anything but no, thinking he would get the message.  But he still kept calling and texting.

“Ugh,”  I thought.  “WTF?”

And then I realized it was me. I wasn’t being clear.  I was talking around it.

So I sent him one last text.  “We don’t want the same things.  This isn’t working for me.  I’m sorry.  Thank you for your generosity.”

And I blocked him.

Why was it so hard to be straight and say NO.

On another Wisdom call, I brought up my struggle.  “We are taught that NO is bad by 2 years old.  We unlearn how to say it,”  Joyce, our wise wisdom leader said.

The Wisdom course, among many things, looks at the ages of some of our conversations.  When we get stuck at a young age, we only have the capacity of that age.

I didn’t want to be bad, mean, or hurtful to this guy.  Plus, I didn’t want him to get mad.

In “Lovable,” Suzanne tells us that if this is not resonating with what we want, then it is just not the right person.   And, I feel much better not having to deal with him.  I don’t miss him.  But a part of me does feel bad for some reason, and this week I lost different parts of my computer, hurt my hip, and couldn’t think clearly.  And I thought that God must be punishing me in some way.

But, I got clear about that last night.  I have been a “clearing” for “that I do stupid things,”  “I am bad and deserve to be punished,” and “life is hard.”  So, I am creating a new clearing as of today.

“Life is fun and easy.  I have my shit together.  I am perfect as I am.”

Things are looking good now.   I found my computer, and got the missing chord and pen back.  Plus, the car I backed into  didn’t have any damage.  So as soon as I find the notebook I use for work, I will be all set.

Thanks for listening.  I am going to post this now.  I have been reworking it since last week and I am tired of trying to “get it right.”

Getting into communication

11 Apr

Last night I was drinking wine and eating chips and I didn’t freaking care.  I didn’t know what the hell was going on with me.  I definitely wasn’t eating because I was hungry.

Today was weigh in day.  Oh well.  Down .2 which was lucky.  And, I know I would have been down more had I not been so messed up last night.

I didn’t even know why I was eating.  I didn’t even know what I was so upset about.

So today, I started talking.  It started with my work out partner.  He had made a couple of unrelated comments last week that stuck in my brain.  I had twisted them together and made them about me.  In my mind I became so wrong and bad an unlovable that today I could barely talk to him.  I started with the insults and sarcasm.  Then I stopped, remembering yesterday’s “fine, fuck you” lesson.  So I asked him about the comments.  “What did you mean?”  I asked.

One he was joking around and the other one had nothing to do with what I thought.

OK, one down.  Next was the comment from the weekend guy.  He had said “he was willing to overlook my being overweight”.  I was trying not to take it personally, which wasn’t working, and I never wanted to talk to him again.

I shared his comment at weight watchers and they asked if he was still alive.  Yes,  I said, because it was on the phone.  “I couldn’t kill him,”  I said, laughing.

It opened up a whole conversation about not getting triggered by comments and how else we could handle them.  I’m not alone in this.  I love my community there.  Our leader, Zach, is phenomenal.  He gets our struggle and never judges.  We can be free to be ourselves.  It’s the 8:00 Tuesday meeting in Norwalk.  I welcome anyone who struggles with their weight or their mind to join our community.  You might love us.

I also decided I’m tired of running from unpleasant things.  The guy and his comment were still haunting me.  So I texted him how hurt I was.  We went back and forth and got into dialogue and the charge on the whole thing went away.

Then I got on the Wisdom call.  It’s a daily call with a community of people who have participated in Landmark Worldwide’s Wisdom course.  It is a wonderful group of people exploring life.  It was hard for me to speak up today, but  I needed to get out of my head.  I told them that I was afraid of going to Passover this year because it’s the first one without my dad.

“I’m afraid of being sad,” I said.  ” I feel like I have to be alone in a room to be able to actually cry freely.  I’m afraid the sadness will hit me when I am with people, and I won’t be able to handle it,” I said.

My comments actually opened up a whole conversation about humanity, bereavement, communication, and other things.  It became rich with exploration and they thanked me for being authentic.

And I started feeling good again.  I can be sad when I’m sad.  I can ask people what they mean when I take something the wrong way.

And, my weight is my weight.  I’m a few pounds heavier then I was.  That is ok.  What I need to learn is to speak up sooner and not always blame myself when things don’t work. I don’t need to punish myself by eating and drinking.  It doesn’t really get me where I want to go.

This is a journey to discover my freedom.  I’ve never been on a trip like this before and while it’s uncomfortable sometimes, the results are worth it.  Before, I kept my mouth shut and put up with the life that being quiet gave me.

And I suffered and complained and did nothing about it.  And it sucked.

So this is the way life looks when it’s working.  I am surrounded by people that I can have these kinds of conversations with.  We are exploring life and having great lives.  And I am really grateful for it.  And I am blessed.  And I feel a whole lot better then when I woke up this morning.

Thanks for listening.

Tah

 

Fine, F— You

9 Apr

I’ve been wanting to write this one for a while.   And today is the day to write it.

I was talking to my friend, Michael, this morning.  We were discussing my dates from the weekend and he was very supportive and validating.

“Sometimes I really like you,” he said.  “But there are other times that you are very combative and that’s a different side I don’t like as much.”

I looked.  Me?  Combative?  Sweet little me?   Hmmmmmm.

“Well, I guess I do have that other side of me.  The Fine, Fuck You side.”

“What’s that about?”  he asked.

“Well, for example, when we you get another call when we’re talking and you say, “I’ll call you right back,” and you don’t.  It pisses me off.  After a few days of you not calling back, I get mad.  My attitude is “Fine, fuck you.  I don’t need your sorry ass.”  And you’re dead to me.  Done.  You are off my list of friends.  You obviously don’t care and go fuck yourself.”

“Well, why didn’t you just tell me that you didn’t like it?”  he asked.

Hmmmmm.    I thought about it.  “Well, I guess I could say “gee, Michael, you said you would call me back and you didn’t.  What’s up?”  instead.”

“That would be a little bit nicer,”  he said.

I thought some more.  Something was in the way of that.  Then he would know that I cared that he didn’t call me back.  God forbid someone should know that, I thought.  Why?  It made me want to cry for some reason.

I guess I’ve always pretended I was always fine.  Don’t let anyone know you care.  Don’t let them see “the other needy, pathetic side.”  After all, when Schizo, who told me I could just be myself, saw that other side, he ran.  Most of the time I hide that part of me.  I hate that side of me.  And, since I hate it, how could anyone else love it?  It’s all tied to my unlovable, listening equals love morass I guess.

“OK, Michael, I said.  It bothers me when you say you’ll call back and you don’t.”

“Thank you,”  he said.

And that was that.  I have so much to learn.  But, this is the new dating world.  Fun, exciting, pleasurable, right?    So it’s all good.  I can enjoy this journey (instead of hating and dreading it).

PS.  The guy from this weekend asked me to be truthful with him this morning when he called.  So after he kept talking and talking and talking I finally said that I wasn’t sure I was attracted to him.   I didn’t want to hurt his feelings but he asked for honesty.

“Well, you have extra weight on you that I overlooked,” he said.  “It’s about the person.  My ex-wife was a trophy wife.  You don’t look that good,”  he added.

“This conversation is going in the wrong direction,”  I said.  “I need to go.”

So, in the spirit of freedom, I am realizing that that’s his opinion and he was probably retaliating for being hurt by my comment.  And, I know I gained a few pounds after my dad died.  And, I would love to lose them and be the weight I was a year ago.

But, in the meantime, I am going to be like some of the heavier women I know and love myself as I am right now.  This is a new experience for me.  I am 57 years old and in damn great shape for my age.  I am not nor will I ever be a trophy wife.  And, if someone can’t love me for me, you know what I say.   “Fine, f— you.”  Kidding.  Sort of.

Have a great day.

 

 

 

“Lovable”

9 Apr

I was introduced to Suzanne Muller, an author, because a friend of mine thought she could help me get my book published.

She told me her book was called “Lovable.”

“You are kidding,”  I said.  “My whole issue is that I think I’m unlovable.   I guess I was meant to talk to you. ”

We chatted.  She couldn’t help me with my book, but she offered to introduce me to the person who helped her get her book published.

But, we also discussed what she does.  She has a whole business and web site dedicated to helping people find the relationship of their dreams.  Sound familiar?  Not only have I also been a relationship coach, but I am also in search of my dream relationship.

Before we got off the phone, I ordered Suzanne’s book.  And yesterday I did the first exercise.  It’s similar to one I would do with my clients, yet a little different.  It caused me to look at what I really wanted in terms of dating, men, relationships, etc. Even though I’ve done it before, I took Suzanne’s coaching and did it again.

And, I had a date on Friday night.  He seemed very nice and when he described the kind of relationship he wanted, it was exactly what I wanted.  Part of me got excited.  But, then he wanted me to come over after dinner and it was a little too much.  And, he said he really liked me and wanted to see me again.

That night I couldn’t sleep.  I was nervous and my instincts were trying to tell me something.   I was afraid of jumping into this thing and then having to extract myself.  It was going a little fast.  That used to happen with guys before I got married.  And, I didn’t want to repeat the same mistake.

Even so, I saw him for a second date last night.  It was fun, we drank wine, we saw a movie, and it was very enjoyable.    But then he wanted to move too fast.  Part of me wanted to explore things to try to get over Psycho, but the other part knew I needed to get to know him better.   It got uncomfortable and I stopped talking. He asked if he should go.  I said yes.  And, I was relieved.  Happy that he was gone.

And then I started thinking about Psycho.  [I have decided to stop calling him Psycho.  It feels a little mean.  I think Schizo is more appropriate.  Because there are definitely at least two of him.  The charming, passionate man who made me feel so special, loved, connected and adored, AND, the completely selfish mean ass-hole who lied, acted like I was ruining his life and would pick apart everything I did or said.]

So why was I thinking about Schizo?  He’s not looking or available, and the other side of him is a horror show.  So, WTF?

Well, today I figured it out.  I had collapsed the feeling I had with Schizo with Schizo himself.  I want what I had with his charming self.  I loved it.  It was magical.  And I have been holding onto the fantasy because I’m afraid I would never find it again.

And, what I am looking for is the magic, with someone who is trustworthy, capable,  devoted, willing to communicate instead of run away, and available and looking for a relationship.

The guy from this weekend had some of that, but I wasn’t feeling the attraction.  And, I was feeling like there was something wrong with me for not.

But, Suzanne says, when you are out dating and meeting men, ask yourself, “does this experience look and feel like my new destiny?” If not, this may not be the partner for you.

So there it was.  He just wasn’t a fit.  Even though he was available, looking and wanting the kind of relationship I wanted.  And Schizo isn’t a fit either despite my delusional thoughts that he is.  I just want the feeling. And, I’m not going to settle for less.  I don’t have to.

And, today I’m going to do the next exercise in the book.   And if you would like to look up Suzanne’s web site and order her book, it’s called “www.loveablizeyou.com.”  Suzanne will guide you through the exercises to your own loving and fulfilling relationship.  I can’t wait.