tiredoffeelingbad

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.” — Louise Erdrich
To love ❤️

I think I let myself be broken……I was walking around sad and not alive around the people I love…….

I feel hope again.  My son finished his project.  I have a partner to have a breakthrough in my relationships.  I’m communicating authentically instead of being suppressed.  My work people are coming into their own.     I love my workouts alone.  I have great friends.  I love my communities. 

Time to find an apple tree……..

Ok folks.  This morning I was in a terrible state.  I have been hung up on a guy that has been feeding me crumbs.  Wonderful crumbs, but crumbs.

I would be lifted up into the sky in a euphoria haze after he told me how me he loved me and then come crashing down two days later when he either disappeared (again) or didn’t deliver on what he said.

I was really upset this morning about another disappearance after possibly the best crumbs ever and so I vented in an email to my coach.  I realized that this is my pattern.  I feel  stupid for caring and being upset.  It’s my fault for caring.  After going on and on about how dumb I was, I came to a conclusion.  It’s ok to care AND I want more.

This afternoon I had scheduled a free 45 minute conversation with a woman I had talked to before.  She had been referred to me because she had written a book.  She wrote the book called “Lovable.”  She is an “International Dating & Love Life Coach”.  Coincidence?  I don’t think so.

I told her what was happening with this guy.  “Cut him off,” she said.  “He is a narcissist.”

Wow, I thought.  So was my ex husband and most of the guys I dated.  Guess it’s who I’m attracting.

She asked me what the gremlins were saying in my head.

“I’ll never find someone I really like.  Only the married and disgusting guys pursue me.  I won’t find someone available who is a good match.”

She taught me to change my mindset.  What I am now going to tell myself 8000 times a day is:  “I am attracting extraordinary, single  men who are looking for a romantic partnership.”

Over and over again.  Tell myself that.  It will change my brain pattern.  She also told me that I sound masculine on the phone.  Well, ok.  I need to work on my feminine energy.  What is that I am still wondering.

I guess I have something to learn about.

And she told me the conversations I could have.  Play with men with my feminine energy.  I wanted to cry.  I don’t want to do that.  This male energy protects me.  I can act like I don’t care.

But, I am willing to do the work since having a great relationship is my dream.  And, at my age, I am no closer to it then when I was two.

I know if I don’t do something I will keep attracting the narcissists who I don’t speak up to.  And keep getting crumbs.   I have no clue what I am doing and I am tired of being upset over this.  I am tired of narcissists who make me feel bad for being disappointed when they don’t keep their promises.  Then I feel like I’m high maintenance.  WTF?

I asked her what her program was.   And I hired her.

CRUMBS NO MORE!!! Will be my new motto.

I will be blogging my progress.  Keep tuned.  And, this will remind me to do my homework.

“I am attracting extraordinary single, attractive men who are also looking for a romantic partnership.”

Why not?

I joined two transformational calls today.

What I am realizing is that it is very difficult for people to embrace their humanity.  Being upset or not being in action or not wanting to do anything is really difficult for us to accept.  But if we do, we can be free of it.

What I learned is that when we can admit our humanity, it opens something up for others to be human as well.

We can be lazy sometimes.

We can be upset.

We can get mad.

We don’t have to be perfect.

Other people can get upset too.  No one will die over that.

So, it is all very interesting…….I think.  We don’t have to solve world hunger in order to have a great life.  And, if that calls to someone, have at it.  But I can have a great life right now.  It’s not a function of doing.

Possibility will disappear.  Our act will kill it off.  And that’s ok.  We don’t have to be a certain way.

Standing for something is not being attached.  Standing for a possibility is powerful.

I can stand for the possibility of having a great relationship.  That doesn’t mean I need to have one.  It means I am standing for a possibility of it.

OK, I have to go to an appointment.

NOTE:  If this sounds like jargon, it is.  So if you have a question, please ask.

I came home tonight and I was  frustrated and in a really bad mood.  And, I hadn’t been before I got home.  Let’s see what happened……………

I was talking to a friend and she asked me about my son’s project.  She started giving me advice.  I didn’t want to hear it.

Then my son, instead of doing his project, decided to take a nap.  That meant it was my job to wake him up and force him to do his project.

FUCK THIS.  I thought. I am done. He is on his own.  I don’t care if he misses his vacation because he hasn’t finished.  I DON’T CARE!!!  IT’S NOT MY JOB!!!

Then my mom called and was also giving me advice about my son.  I didn’t want to hear it.

Then I got a text from my daughter saying that an old friend thought I should be with her at her Forum evening session.

I give up, I thought.  I can’t take it.

What can’t I take?  I wondered.  My day was fine before.

Well, I guess I have involved too many people in my son’s incomplete.  They are just trying to help.

And, I don’t have to fucking justify not going with Haley tonight to anyone.  Fuck them.  I know I need to get some sleep tonight since I couldn’t sleep the last two nights.   And, I was with her on Sunday.  Fuck her.

So why am I so mad?  Because once again, I think they know better.  Once again, I am trying to keep people happy and BE GOOD and it doesn’t work.

Now, the other question that is bothering me…….who do I take on the trip I won to Hawaii?  I have to decide in 6 days.  I really want a guy that I can have amazing passionate sex with.  But, can I find one in 6 days?  Someone who will still be around and not psycho by October?  Someone I will still want to come with me by then?

I guess I can expect a miracle.  Or, I can take one of my kids, my mom, my sister, or a friend.  So, it’s not the end of the world.  Maybe I can just have sex this side of the Pacific and not have the anxiety of the months ahead.  Or not.  Or go alone.

So, something to think about……………

So the lesson here is…………….I don’t have to please anyone.  I can speak up.  I don’t have to keep people from getting upset.  I don’t have to make them happy.

I can just live my life.  They can live theirs.

And then there’s the why do I think I need a guy question.  I guess I would love to have a passionate committed partnership with someone that I am attracted to , have fun with, love to be around, and who thinks I am the greatest woman he ever met.  Why not?

But in the meantime, I can be happy, fun, and lovable.  And, if I’m in a bad mood, it’s ok.  Who cares?  There are no rules that I have to be happy all the time.  Right?

So there……………………

Good night!

Finally I spoke up to my ex.  After keeping my mouth shut for months.

And it felt good.  I’m not used to it.  I’m not used to saying what I need to say.

And, I felt a little bad for being a little mean.

But not as bad as I felt staying quiet.

I told him that when I see his car in the driveway I automatically get upset.

He can come see the kids when I am not here.

He needs to be invited for dinner and not just show up.  This is not his home.  It is my mother’s and we are lucky to be living here at all.  She doesn’t need an extra person to worry about.  It’s just her way and she won’t say anything.

He started interpreting what I said in a victim type way. It made me even madder.  Then I have to stress out even more trying to get to an interpretation of what I am saying.

Everything about him creates a pressure in my head because he twists my words.  I still want to freaking scream.

He said I don’t really talk to him.  That’s because I have so much anger and resentment that I had nothing nice to say.  But today, I exploded.

And, now we have to go into New York together to see our daughter.  I will let our son sit in the front and I will sit in the back and sleep.  I have to go get ready.  Adios.

I am not looking forward to this.

After a few weeks of being sort of suppressed, I have realized that there are a few issues that I am worried about. I didn’t even know that they were there.  Today, however, I started crying at the gym when I started talking about them.  It was actually a relief to start talking about them.  Then, I can address them and identify actions that I can take instead of just driving myself numb.  And, already, I am starting to feel a little bit more alive.

What are the issues?  Well, thanks for asking.

• The Incomplete:
  • My wonderful, handsome, funny, kind son has had an incomplete from his junior year in college – he wasn’t worried about it, but I have been.  If he doesn’t complete this project he will get an F in his entrepreneurial course.  This will affect his GPA which will result in him losing about $40,000 in scholarships.  He will not go back senior year and will not graduate from Quinnipiac.  When I mentioned it he told me not to nag, but my silence was not propelling him into action.
  • I finally exploded a week ago.  “This may not be affecting you, but it is ruining my summer.  You will not go on any more trips until you finish this project.”
    • It actually felt good to take a stand for him.  He just stared at me.
  • The thing that bothered me the most is that he hasn’t been concerned about it.  Or doing anything about it.  So, now he is.  He doesn’t want to miss his Birthright trip to Israel which leaves next Sunday.
• My mother
  • She is newly widowed.
  • She is 87.
  • My kids and I have been staying with her since June.  My rental was just for the winter and they are out of school.  My ex is rebuilding the house they are to live in and it’s taking longer then usual so we are all kind of homeless.
  • So we are here.  I am seeing it as a mitzvah (good thing in Yiddish).  We are keeping her company.  Keeping an eye on her for my other 4 siblings so they don’t have to worry about her.
  • And, it’s stressful.  She asks a lot of questions.  I don’t have the answers.  I get annoyed.  And then I feel bad for being a bad daughter.
  • But my main worry:  what will happen when I move back to my rental in September and the kids are back to college?  Who will watch her then?
  • I guess I just need to have a conversation with her.  I can still visit and call.  Maybe it will be better/easier for her to not have us to deal with every day.  Who knows?
• My Ex-Husband
  • First of all he’s always around.  And, it really annoys me.  But when I say something, I look like the bitch.  He looks like Mr. Nice Guy.  So, I don’t say anything and I silently seethe.  And then I drink.  So, I need to find a better way.  And I don’t have one yet.
  • Plus, I don’t know if he’s making any money.  He is rebuilding his house and needs to stay there for 5 years or else pay back the grant he got.  Because he loves debt, he will have a hefty monthly nut to crack.  I am worried about his ability to do that.  And, I own half of the house.  I kept half in the divorce but I don’t have to pay the debt.  Also, he is responsible for the college tuitions.  He is borrowing to pay it.  How the hell is he going to pay that back?  I know it’s his problem not mine, but I just feel sad that an intelligent man like him is so freaking stupid about money.  Again, not my problem.  That’s one of the reasons we are no longer married.  Just one of them.  Nothing for me to do on this one except be glad that I am not responsible for half of his debt any longer.
• Work
  • Numbers haven’t been good so far this quarter.  I know what I have to do, but I’d personally rather be ahead then behind.  It just doesn’t feel good.
• Men
  • There is really nothing to worry about but sometimes I think I should be doing something about my lack of a good one.  But then I realize my life is fine and it’s alot better to be alone then with someone I don’t like.  My time will come when it’s right.   Chill on this one.
• Lack of a permanent home
  • Well, I could always stay with mom.  I could also go back to my old house when it is built.  But, for now, I am going back to my winter rental on 9-1.  Yes it’s a small commute but so is getting here. It’s a little creepy when no one’s around, but knowing my neighbors are there is very nice.  So, I will worry about next summer next March.  And, enjoy the water views when I return in September.
• I guess that’s really it.  I’ve accept my weight for now.  I’m doing my best with food, cutting down the chips and alcohol and still exercising.  I have a small belly but I’m  just being with it.  Otherwise I am in pretty good shape.  Especially for my age.  For the first time in my life I am owning my body and feeling good.  That’s a miracle.

So that’s about it.  Just getting all of this out makes me feel better.  I will take the actions I can take and let go of the ones that I can not do anything about.  Thanks for listening.  I already feel better.

I was freaking out.  Panic attacks.  Worried.  Upset.  Irritable.

I tried to share how I was feeling on a call.  It didn’t help.  All it did was make me feel like more of a jerk. Everyone else was happy and I felt like a nut case.

I went to the town pool.  It was hot.  I got in the pool to cool off and then put on my meditation app.  It didn’t help.  My throat hurt.  I felt like I was choking.  It felt like I couldn’t breathe.

“Save me,” I yelled but inside my head.  “Somebody help me.  I’m suffocating.”

Well, maybe not exactly like that, but it reminded me of my birthing story.  I was born with the chord around my neck.  I literally couldn’t get out myself.  I would have died if the doctor hadn’t used the forceps to pull me out.

I was born blue.  So, it was a close one.

And, sometimes when I have a panic attack it feels like I am incapable of “getting out” on my own.  I need help.  I need to be saved.

I went home (to my mother’s house) and fought with my mom.  A bad, screaming fight.  I felt terrible.  She is 87 and a new widow and I am fighting with her?  How bad of a person am I?  What is wrong with me?  I should be shot.

I laid on my bed and tried to breathe.  I was holding my chest.  I felt like it would probably be better if I just died.  I am a useful, horrible person.

I tried to relax, sleep or anything to release the pressure from my chest.

That night I had to go to a work dinner.  I was taking my daughter.  We got ready and drove to the restaurant.  I ordered a drink.  One of my new agents was there and I started focusing on welcoming her.  I started talking to some other people.  Without even realizing it, the bad feeling disappeared.  I pretty much just forgot about it.

The next day at the gym my work out buddy was there.  I was telling him about my anxiety.

“Well, you obviously aren’t doing very well if you are so worried,” he said.

“But I am.  I am doing great.  I am just worried about hitting my numbers because I get an even bigger bonus.  That’s what I am worried about.”

And we had a great conversation.  He told me that he had never felt the way he felt for me with anyone else.  I don’t know where that came from, but I liked it.  That’s what I’ve been telling him about how I felt.  And even though we aren’t together anymore, I felt better knowing that at least I wasn’t feeling that way alone.

I started getting happy.  I waited for him to come out of the locker rooms.

“Don’t fuck with me if you don’t mean it,” I told him.  “Don’t give me hope if this is just a mood swing.”

“I wouldn’t do that,” he said, looking at me with those eyes.  “There is hope.”

Can I trust him?  I don’t know.  But I know it made me happy.  And I felt good, despite my attempts to move on.   Really good.  And, wary at the same time.

I remembered my coach saying “expect miracles” on the call yesterday.  And hearing that stuff from him was a miracle.  And realizing that I was stressed out about the size of my bonus, and that I am actually doing well, was also miracle.

And then things started turning around at work.  It was amazing.

I couldn’t believe the difference a day made.  We booked 5 appointments and ran a few.  I sold a policy.  My agents were all reporting that they were also booking appointments and enrollments.  After a long dry spell for all of us, that was a miracle.

Sure, there are things I am worried about.  But, I don’t feel like I’m having a heart attack anymore.  And, life looks good again.

So what’s the lesson?  Good question.  I guess that bad feelings are not permanent.  I can know that tomorrow, everything can turn around.  Life can look good again.  And, most importantly, I can remember to expect miracles.

And then, I will actually see them.

I am in New York City.  I actually had two hours between appointments.  Usually, when I’m in the city, I am running from one thing to the next or dragging my bags to catch a train.  Today, I walked from 49th and 3rd to my next destination at 64th and Lex so I was close to where I had to get to.

I looked for a nice place to use my computer and (potentially) have  a drink.  Nothing looked appealing.  It was all groceries or dry cleaners or clothing stores.  The doorman at the building I was going to recommended two places.  I lugged my computer over,  but the tables were 2 inches from each other.  I couldn’t see it.

So I walked another 20 minutes.  My feet and legs were killing me and the sweat was dripping off me.  I went around to Park Avenue.  There was a restaurant/bar that looked closed.  I went in.  There was a man at the door.  He said it was open.  It was empty but roomy, cool and wonderful.

So I have been sitting here, two rose wines later.  I ate two bowls of beer nut/sesame sticks.  My favorite things in the world.  I have a really nice buzz on.  I used to do this when I was single.  Beer nuts and wine.  And, now I am single.  Again.  And, I indulged in the salty, spicy junk food.

And, I am on my way to a Wharton Singles Networking event.  And, I’m afraid they are all going to be 30 years younger than me.  And, I really did not want to come to this.  And, I hope I am not too trashed.  But I love the feeling.

And then, I found out my high school friends are going out at home.  And, the one cute single guy is amongt them.  Of course, he didn’t call me, he called my friend so I shouldn’t be excited.  But, I am anyway.  He has a really great butt.  Is that sexist?  Good.

Another of the guys at the gym who was flirting with me is married.  WTF?  Everyone who is nice to me there is fucking married.  Well, whatever.  I miss my guy but tough shit.  Move on.

And, I am having a great life. I really am.  I don’t know why, but I love my life.  I love my kids, my family, even my work people.  I love being in the city even though I am shlepping my computer, etc.  It is really cool.  I will have to come in more often.

And, I am sad about my mom.  Whenever my sister comes in and takes her to her doctor’s, I get afraid she is losing it.  But, the doctors keep saying she is fine.  So, good.  She is wonder woman.

And, I’m afraid for when I move out in September.  But, one day at a time.

Thanks for listening.  Almost time for the singles event.  ( I swore I would never go to one of these again.)   Hope I made some sense tonight.  Pressing SEND.

Adios.

We just had our 40th high school reunion.  Wow!!!

It was so much fun.  Of course there were a couple of unpleasant moments when I was stung by a mean comment or two, but otherwise, it was a blast.

My face hurts from smiling.  My voice is hoarse from yelling over the band.  My feet hurt from dancing.  And, my back hurts from the sunburn at the beach.  And, I’m exhausted.

And I hated for it to end.  It was so nice being surrounded by my high school friends and classmates.  I could be my ridiculous self and they laughed.  And, two of my friends share my crazy sense of humor and I forgot how much fun it was to be around them.  I keep guffawing out loud remembering some of our hysterical exchanges.   So much fun.

It did not seem like 40 years had passed.  Wow!!!  And I already miss everyone.  And I wish we could get together all the time, but then it would not be as much as a novelty.   So, the weekend was very special.  I loved laughing, dancing, being goofy, talking, flirting, pinching the guys on the butts (only the few that wouldn’t be offended), and just hanging out.

So much freaking fun…………………………have I said that already?

At one point I was complaining to my friend about how someone had told me I was being bitchy………I call it being real, but whatever……..and my friend said, “people love how you are!  You are refreshing and real.”

And after that, I felt free.  Free to be me instead of wondering what was wrong with me.  And that was a gift.

Another person told me that I was being a gift to my other brothers and sisters by living with my mom right now.  I had never considered it to be that.  I always felt like I was the selfish one and hated myself for getting annoyed with my mom.  So, now I have another interpretation for “living with my mom.”  I am helping my brothers and sisters so they don’t have to worry.  And that was another gift to me.

And, today, I bask in the memories of the weekend.  And, I am getting work done, but, I don’t want to lose the feeling of the love, camaraderie, fun, and laughter that I experienced.  It’s hard to put the feeling into words.

And, I also remember that about ten years ago I submitted a piece on my college reunion to the college paper.  It was one of the first times I had submitted a piece of writing and I was so excited at my bravery.  And then I got a lovely note back saying that unfortunately, many people submit pieces on reunions and so (my interpretation was) that it wasn’t very good and not special enough to print.

So, I didn’t write again.  I gave up for several years.

And then I got over it and wrote my book.  And, started this blog.  And, that’s why I love writing this blog.  I can write whatever I want.  No one is editting, judging or criticizing.  FREEDOM!!!!

So, here is my first published reunion piece.  Enjoy and here’s to the memories!!!