tiredoffeelingbad

8-25-12

At a client.  I am still annoyed that I lost what I wrote yesterday.  It was good.  Oh well, move on…….

I feel like I am hating Jack and I don’t know why.  Usually it is when I have done something wrong.  I asked him and he says that feeling that way is what we called a “racket” in the Forum.  You make someone else wrong and be right.  Usually you are not being responsible for something.

I think it might be that I am not happy in the marriage and so I am blaming him.  It is easier to blame it on him than to think it might have something wrong with me.  I am going to save this just in case I lose power.  I will figure out more later.  I am at a client and need to try to talk to them.

I’m back – I am striking out and Jack is talking to a possible recruit instead of the clients.  Is that bad?  He could be showing him how to sell instead of wasting time flapping his trap.

He loves to act like he is so fucking good and brags and talks about himself.  It makes me ill.  I know I am making him wrong, but maybe I just need to get it out so here goes:

– Never fucking stops talking about himself

8-24-12

I was just typing and lost the whole entry.  Pisses me off.  I am trying to find the drafts.

OK – can’t find it.  Bummed out.  It was about two things:

1.  Rumor that Chad had sex with a sleazebag at school.

2. Speaker who said to write down 100 goals. 

Too tired to write again.  Have to go.  Friday.  I need a nap.

8-17-12

I was typing before and my internet went crazy and I lost it.  Oy vay.  Whatever did I say? I’ll do highlights:

– inhibited to write since Jack is reading it

– kids are away – very nice – less stress – feel bad that I like it

– my mother asks too many questions and I feel bad that I get frustrated with her.  Guilt guilt guilt.  I told her not to get upset about how Chad will get back from New Jersey until we have the facts.  She was insulted.  So, either I listen and feel guilty for being frustrated, or I say something and feel guilty for saying something. 

Jack actually helped me with the guilt thing last week.  I was just “tired.”  The reason I was tired was because I was in a lose-lose situation.  If someone asks me to do something and I say no, I feel bad.  If I say yes when I don’t want to, I resent them and do the thing grudgingly.  Either way I lose.   Either way I feel bad.

I never thought I could say no.  It doesn’t go with my “needing people to like me” shtick that I have.  I can’t just trust my instincts since something is wrong with me.  I am lazy, boring, etc. in my mind, so I don’t trust my own instincts and always think I should do something even though my feeling is not to.

We discussed a time when I was with this guy and it was late and cold out and he wanted to go out and look at the stars.  It was the last thing I wanted to do, I was tired and warm inside his house.  But, I went anyway and just resented it and thought there was something wrong with me for not wanting to go.  I don’t know why I remembered it, but it came to mind when I was discussing how tired I was.   I remember thinking either way it was a lose.   It just makes me tired to think about it.

Phew – thought I lost all my typing again.  This is disjointed because I am making calls while I type so I keep forgetting where I am.  I am getting tired with this topic.  I was up at 5:00 AM today.  Saw FB and congratulated him on being clean for 8 years.  I said I would have brought in a cake but brought in a vegetable platter yesterday instead to celebrate.  He was glad that I brought it up, but why did I need to tell him that?  I didn’t really bring them in and I told him that I actually did think about it.

Later he walked by my spinning class  without looking in or waving.  Why do I care?  This thing  just wiped away some typing again.  Very weird.  So, why do I care?  I guess I need a crush to keep me safe.  It’s not about him.  I would be a very bad influence on him. 

Last night I drank a rum drink and then had some wine.  I felt sick at night.  Took motrin in the middle of the night.  Yuck.  Time for a nap.  We have to drive to Pennsylvania tonight to get Sybil.  Then Chad comes home on Sunday.  It’s been nice I have to say, and, of course, I feel bad about it.

The tired thing hits when I think I can’t say what I really want to do or say.  It has to do with being unlovable and trying to be who I think they want me to be which sucks.  You can never know and it is just tiring trying to always be someone other than who I am.  If I could just trust my instincts, I’d be ok.

Why did I have to tell that to FB?  So I would appear wonderful I guess.  BUT, did I appear to be too much?  Again, why do I care?  Guys don’t think that much, so I am wasting my neuroses. 

I am getting out of this office.  Gotta go take a nap.

8-13-12

We’ve been busy actually making money although i messed up something over the weekend.  I have so much to do I am in my head feeling overwhelmed and not present, but,….hopefully we will pull through the next few weeks without screwing up too bad.’

I am sort of afraid to put stuff down for fear that it will get read by the only person that reads these – my husband.  We have been travelling together for work and yesterday we had a talk.  I am still not open and passionate with him like I am with my fantasy men or how i was with SM.

I think i am afraid to be vulnerable.  Sometimes Jack is scary and I don’t want to be opening up to someone who can attack me on a random basis.  Maybe for someone else it wouldn’t seem like an attack, but for me, it does. 

I feel guilty that I haven’t been with my kids.  I am torn between them and work.  This is an opportunity to actually make money for a change so i don’t feel like I can ignore it.  I feel alot of pressure and it’s not so good.

Plus I signed up for the damn triathlon which is adding pressure.  I actually didn’t go to step class today.  That was a big deal.  I stayed home and called resumes and now I will go for a swim.  I am out on the deck sweating, so it will feel good.

Well, I better go.  Just wanted to update you a little even though I am ALWAYS feeling rushed for time.  Tomorrow I can catch up on all my little stuff.  Chad is away with friends, and Sybil might go away with my sister, so hopefully I won’t feel too too guilty ALL THE TIME. 

I realized that often I feel like I am “fucked” either way.  If I do something I am fucked and if i don’t do something I am fucked.  I don’t just say no and not suffer as Jack says.  I suffer with either decision, always feeling bad.  Since I am tired of feeling bad, I am going to let that one go.

I did hear sometihg about emotional attachments on the marriage fitness CD.  Definately.  I do have them and have had them since October 31, 2010.  I have had them for protection against Jack’s outbursts and periods where he pays me no attention.  He has had one with a sport – hockey.  That is where he goes.  I am not justifying myself, it’s just that he started it way before I ever did.

Ok, my stomach is rolling over my shorts and I am grossed out.  Gotta go swim for my triathlon.  I haven’t gone in the real water yet, but I will in two weeks.  I keep putting it off.  Oh well.  Who cares?  I will talk later.

PS  I finally got the bicycle I am borrowing.  I was scared to ride it at first because the seat was too high.  Oy vay.  What the fuck am I doing?

8-7-12

I just registered for the triathlon.  I was holding on to my escape clause by not registering, but it was time.  I can do the distances of all three parts – I swam 52 laps tonight of a 25 yard pool.  I will run hopefully 3 miles tomorrow, and I did spinning for an hour today.

I will get my borrowed bike this weekend and I have a borrowed helmet.  My main concern is how to change into my running bra before the run.  The registration form is from the Kiwanis club and it calls it a “family” event, so how serious can I be taking this thing. 

I was admitting to people that I hadn’t registered and they were encouraging me to, so I set up my task for tonight and I did it.  It is non-refundable so I can’t chicken out thinking I could get my money back.

I don’t have a real competitive bathing suit or biking clothes but I am not going to sweat the small stuff, but I am nervous about it.  I just have to breathe.  How long can the whole thing take?  A few hours, and I am going to ruin all of August worrying about it?  I hope not.  I have always wanted to do this so I am going to.