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What am I holding onto?

6 Dec

I’ve been holding onto a piece of my past and wanting things to go back to the way they were.

One of our discussions in the Wisdom course was not being in an argument with reality.  I guess I have been.  I’ve wanted things to go back instead of accepting things as they are.

So, what am I holding onto?

It’s the feeling of unbelievable happiness that I had before.  I’ve been holding on to it as if I will never have it again.

And, to not be so obtuse, it involves a guy that I am no longer seeing.  And it’s been a while.  And I couldn’t figure out, after all this time, what is the damn problem?  And this is what I’ve come up with.

  1. I miss the happiness I had when we were together.  It was like a drug.  I was addicted to the feeling of happiness.  Anything other then that seems like, at some level, that life sucks a little.  It’s not that I’m not grateful for what I have, it’s that it just isn’t that happy happy amazing feeling I had before.
  2. AND, I’m afraid that I won’t ever have it again.  That I need to get the old thing back because it was my one shot at happiness.  So I need to hold onto the memory and try to get it re-enacted.
  3. I don’t know how to find it again – I’m just not meeting anyone new and if the truth be told, I don’t really want to put the effort in.  I just want to meet someone great and KAPOW, next relationship happens.   Kind of dumb/weird/stupid, but true.
  4. I’m just tired thinking about it.  All of it.  Tired of it.  Come to think of it, I am just tired.  Some nights I have trouble sleeping.  So when I get up I am already tired.

So, the job is to create a whole new reality where dating is fun and there’s lots of great guys out there and I have buckets of energy.  And, this last guy is totally forgotten, I have moved on, am very busy and have many great contenders for the recipient of my heart.

OK, sounds great.  Blah blah blah.   (Yawn) Time for my nap.


Nervous but doing it anyway

2 Dec

Today I am going to read through my almost final manuscript.  I have scheduled this weekend to do it.  I am so nervous but as soon as I’m done with this post I will force myself to start reading.

I finished my book 5 years ago and have been rewriting it ever since.   Yes, for FIVE YEARS!!!   Holy hell batman.  And it’s about my life….And I’m afraid to go back to that time and the emotions and sadness and everything, ……..but I’m going to anyway……………..

I’m sitting on my deck, the water is high tide and literally under me and the sound of the waves crashing is mesmerizing…..

before I start, one more thing……I hadn’t been able to get to this the last three weekends – last week was Thanksgiving, the week before was Wisdom, and the week before that I was visiting my kids at college.  So  no more excuses, …….here I go………….

And another thing……….500 of my closest friends are all on their way to a vacation together in Mexico or somewhere on the year end vacation course.  And I am in wintry Connecticut.  So I am pretending…..on the deck, outside, bundled up in sweat shirts and coats, …..I’m on the water too, it’s just really, really cold!!!

It’s really time to start reading………

Five hours later:

I am a quarter of the way through.  It’s not as bad as it seems.  Certain sections that are new still need work.  I’m not sure if I am repeating ideas but I need to keep moving.

I’ve moved inside and backed up to avoid seeing my neighbors humping themselves on the deck next door.  Can’t watch that.

My back hurts from the chair I’m in.  I am not following my Rolfer’s instructions.  “Sit bone down.  Neck high.  Feet out.”  OK, well, I keep forgetting my Rolfing homework so I’m not perfect.

But I need to keep going.   The people in Mexico have landed and are having a good time I’m sure.   And I want to be half way through by tonight so adios.


Finished the book.  Cried at certain points.  Some areas definitely need work.  I think I put the financial background in about 4 places since my writing class never understood why it was a problem.  Tomorrow I will clean all that up.  I am done.  YAY!!!!

Missing the year end.  Gotten texts saying to come but I can’t because of work.  That would be a no no.  In addition to being behind, I would be outrageously disobedient and many other terrible words.

I am in my cottage and enjoying my solitude.  Tomorrow is another day.  I miss my old fantasy but that’s ok.  Real life is worth living and I am promising myself that I will learn how.





The Keys to the Kingdom

13 Nov

I think I found “the Secret.”

To having an amazing life.

I really do.

Are you ready?

Here is what it is:

  • Be present in the moment (really be here right now)
  • Be authentic (what is true for you without filtering or worrying about the impact)
  • Listen to others powerfully (as if they are great)

I’ve tried it and it’s really powerful, great, exciting, etc.

And then in the next moment I forget.  I start worrying about whatever it is I just said or did.  And it’s gone.

But in the moment of being present, life is magical.

And, it disappears in an instant.  Identity and worry come slamming back.

So, it’s not easy to do this.  Our brains are not conditioned for it.  But it’s possible.

And, I am writing this instead of what I thought I would be doing.  I was going to be reading through my book so that I can send it to a proof reader.   And then get it published.  That is exciting.  And if I am present, I am excited.  But if I think about it, the excitement is replace with worry:

  • why do I think I can publish a book?
  • it probably sucks
  • people will get mad
  • I’ll spend alot of money and not make any
  • I don’t know what I’m doing
  • I should be writing book 2 already
  • Why am I wasting time writing a blog
  • etc.

But if I’m just in the moment, I can just schedule a time to read through my book.  No big deal.  And do what I need to do.

If I’m in my head, I might as well just go to sleep and forget all about it.  It is too stressful and exhausting in there.

So which looks more fun?   I know my answer.


Automatic Toilet Flushers

3 Nov

I’ve wanted to write about these for a long time.  And, I only usually think about it when I am using a toilet that has fun.

So, I’m finally remembering to do this since I’m in the airport, just had the pleasure of the flusher, and have some time before my flight.  Here goes………..

Who invented these?  What was the purpose?

I’m thinking because some people forget to flush………..

Well, how many people actually forget to flush?

What happens if the power is out?  Does flushing still occur?

How did whoever sold these things can so much buy in?  How did so many places convert?  What was wrong with having to press a lever?

These are questions I wonder.  But my main “beef” is the timing of the flush.  Sometimes it flushes when you are still sitting on the toilet.  And that is really disgusting.  I don’t know why it happens, but for obvious reasons, it makes me hate the person who invented the damn thing.

I guess it’s like a bide only in the toilet’s case the water is not clean.  And, I reiterate, it’s really, really gross when it happens.

Maybe the inventor assumed that people did their business and then always got up right away before the flushing would happen.  But sometimes that’s not the case for me.    Either I’m distracted by my phone and forget where I am, or things just take a little longer sometimes.

So who’s idea was it to have it flush while the person is still sitting?  It’s really, really, really  gross.  And, I’ve not really ever mentioned it to people because I usually forget my annoyance as soon as I exit the ladies room.


OK, I feel better now.

Thank you for listening.


Reflections from my conversation yesterday

1 Nov

“Do you think your head is not aligned with your heart?” Kayla had asked during our conversation yesterday.

I thought about it.  “Hmmm.  Good question……..It’s definitely not.”  I told her about my last relationship.  I could see once I started talking, that my heart and head were definitely not in sync.  I had tried to pretend I was over him, but obviously I still had some work to do.

And even though he isn’t suitable for the long term and I am much better off without him, there was something about the way we were together that I really miss.  I liked thinking he had my back and I could talk to him when things were tough.  I loved thinking I had a go to person in my life and that I wasn’t on my own.  And, even though that part of the relationship ended a while ago, I still miss it.

Even though my head knows it’s for the best, my heart is still sad.  And I feel like I should be SO over this.  What is wrong with me I think that I can’t move on?  What a loser I am.

And so I make myself wrong for missing him, and that just jams down all these unexpressed feelings.  I end up feeling bad for feeling bad.  My favorite vicious cycle (kidding – it sucks).

So if I can just accept how I am feeling, I can have it be ok to be sad.

And today, I was a blob again.  But I accepted it.  I came home and took a nap.  I didn’t make it wrong.

Which is a miracle.  I don’t have to be happy and excited all the time, despite what some people say.  I’ve taken on accepting myself as I am.  If I miss that jerk, I miss that jerk.  I miss the way it was.  I miss having him.  I miss being excited to see him.  I miss knowing I was going to work out with him every day.  I miss the attraction.  I miss the laughter and having someone understand what I was saying.  I miss someone who validated my feelings and didn’t think I was crazy.  I miss someone who understood why I got upset about finances in my marriage.  And I miss his face.  I loved his face.  And, I loved the way he looked.  I miss that too.  I miss getting together with him later in the day even if it was just for an hour.  I miss being happy with him wherever we were.  I miss the way he looked at me.  I miss the way I felt when I was with him.

And, I’ve never admitted all that.  I thought I was wrong for missing him.

“Have a powerful relationship to what is so,”  someone I respected had said.  And, of course, I thought she was right and I made myself wrong.  I thought I should be over him by now.

So, today I am just sad.  It doesn’t matter why.  I just am.  And, for once, it’s ok.  I am not trying to make myself be happy.  I don’t have to for the first time in my life.  And, that makes me happy!!!!

And, if I’m honest, I’m afraid I will never have those same feelings for someone else.  I’m afraid that was my one chance and somehow I blew it.  Or that I’ll attract someone again who isn’t capable of talking to me when things get tough and one day it will be over and I won’t know why.

I guess I’m worrying about getting it right.  And I’m afraid to get it wrong.  But if I can just remember that there is no right and life is about playing the game and having fun, then maybe I can just relax.  Maybe I can just smile and listen and love people no matter how things end up.

And I can just be me.  Exactly how I am.  And stop worrying about whether it’s the way I’m supposed to be.  Cause that sucks the life out of me.  And it’s not fun.

And, tonight I am actually going out with a girl friend.  I haven’t done that in months and practically years.  So I will put a smile on my face if I want to, and just relax and talk to people.  Because I have no where to get to.  I can just be.

So, let’s get to the important question.  What will I wear?

I forgot …………

1 Nov

I have been in a funk since I got back from vacation.  And, no matter what mind tricks I played on myself, I couldn’t get rid of it.

Tonight, I had a call from Kayla, an old friend who is starting a practice where she works with people on many different levels to identify their vision and bring it to life.  (I am paraphrasing, not sure if that’s how she describes it.)

I had offered to have a session with her so that I could share her work with people.

When I got on the phone, I was listless and despondent and had no energy, describing how I was stuck and felt powerless since I’ve returned to work.

Through the course of the hour, Kayla listened and asked gentle questions.

“Where would you like to be next year, on Halloween of 2018?”

In a great relationship, successful in a business I love, sharing my life with my wonderful man, money is abundant, my book is published, and I am speaking around the world promoting my book and blog.

“What would you have to do to have that happen?”

Oh, I thought.  Shit.  I remembered just a few weeks ago in Canada that I gave up trying to get it right, trying to get loved, and being afraid.  I forgot all about that.  The burden, heaviness and frustration had come back since then in full force.

“I would have to give up my struggle.  Be present.  Spread joy.  Flirt.  Be of service,”  I finally said.

I felt lighter.  My shoulders lifted.  I could breathe again.  I felt the burden of the world slide off my head.

“Wow,”  I told Kayla.  “I feel free again.  And I knew all that already.  It had just disappeared.”

“How are you going to keep it in existence in your life?”

“Good question.  It already comes up on my phone every morning.  It just doesn’t do anything for me.”  I changed the words around on the morning message.  “OK that might work better.  I will continue to answer that question.”

We talked for a while and I thanked her.  Kayla really has a gift for listening and empowering.  I wish her the very best and will continue to learn how to live in the middle of love, health, happiness and full-self expression.  It’s a lot easier then trying to get it right so I could be loved.   I already am.  I just forgot.

Thank you Kayla for a priceless gift.


Nothing’s wrong (or is it?)

30 Oct

I’m back from vacation.  At my desk.  Behind in my numbers, but not giving up.

I’ve been calling and emailing all day.  NOTHING!!!

And I don’t have the luxury of going down the tubes.

But I want to. My team is decimated.  One agent disappeared to Mexico.  One agent is in bed with vertigo.  Two of them are out there working but not selling.

My veterans are great, but not fully engaged so are sporadic.

So that leaves me.  And I am sucking wind right now.  Well, I am selling a little, but not enough to even get close to the weekly quota.

The other night we had a work dinner that I almost missed.  It was my first week back after 2.5 weeks away.  Even though I have had 7 out of 7 successful quarters in the last two years and I am actually looking like a winner, because I’m behind this quarter, I feel like a loser.  And because I can’t see how to make FAME happen (that’s what they call hitting our numbers),  I feel all alone and that I can’t do it.

So at this dinner, they were picking two winners to win $250.  I asked God for a sign.  I was feeling like I just needed something so I wouldn’t give up.  And they called my name.  I won the $250.  I was excited.  I thanked God for the sign.  And I was happy.

But that was last Thursday.  Now it’s Monday.  The sign has completely worn off.  What I need is another sign.

So, I’m going to create my own sign.  I never could see how to accomplish FAME in any of the last 7 quarters.  I did it anyway.  I was behind most of the quarters and did it anyway.

All I have to do is make appointments.  I have been calling the same people and it’s time to find new ones.  I have a whole list of contacts.  I need to just keep calling.  I need more in the pipeline.

I will not give up.  I will ask God for BIG miracles.  I will keep going.

(Even though my brain is telling me it’s futile – I just had to add that – this pep talk is only half working, so let me vent in my parentheses – NOTHING IS WORKING – NO ONE IS RESPONDING – EVERYONE DESERTED ME – I’M ALL ALONE – NO ONE ELSE CARES – I COULD DIE AND NO ONE WOULD EVEN KNOW – I’M SUPPOSED TO BE DATING AND I DON’T EVEN LOOK AT MEN – I’M OVER MY WEIGHT WATCHERS POINTS FOR THE WEEK – LIFE SUCKS – MY COTTAGE IS PROBABLY FLOODED FROM THE RAIN – I JUST WANT TO GO TO SLEEP – HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

OK – I feel better now.  (OR AT LEAST I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD.)

Back to the phones.  Thanks for listening.