Last night I was drinking wine and eating chips and I didn’t freaking care. I didn’t know what the hell was going on with me. I definitely wasn’t eating because I was hungry.
Today was weigh in day. Oh well. Down .2 which was lucky. And, I know I would have been down more had I not been so messed up last night.
I didn’t even know why I was eating. I didn’t even know what I was so upset about.
So today, I started talking. It started with my work out partner. He had made a couple of unrelated comments last week that stuck in my brain. I had twisted them together and made them about me. In my mind I became so wrong and bad an unlovable that today I could barely talk to him. I started with the insults and sarcasm. Then I stopped, remembering yesterday’s “fine, fuck you” lesson. So I asked him about the comments. “What did you mean?” I asked.
One he was joking around and the other one had nothing to do with what I thought.
OK, one down. Next was the comment from the weekend guy. He had said “he was willing to overlook my being overweight”. I was trying not to take it personally, which wasn’t working, and I never wanted to talk to him again.
I shared his comment at weight watchers and they asked if he was still alive. Yes, I said, because it was on the phone. “I couldn’t kill him,” I said, laughing.
It opened up a whole conversation about not getting triggered by comments and how else we could handle them. I’m not alone in this. I love my community there. Our leader, Zach, is phenomenal. He gets our struggle and never judges. We can be free to be ourselves. It’s the 8:00 Tuesday meeting in Norwalk. I welcome anyone who struggles with their weight or their mind to join our community. You might love us.
I also decided I’m tired of running from unpleasant things. The guy and his comment were still haunting me. So I texted him how hurt I was. We went back and forth and got into dialogue and the charge on the whole thing went away.
Then I got on the Wisdom call. It’s a daily call with a community of people who have participated in Landmark Worldwide’s Wisdom course. It is a wonderful group of people exploring life. It was hard for me to speak up today, but I needed to get out of my head. I told them that I was afraid of going to Passover this year because it’s the first one without my dad.
“I’m afraid of being sad,” I said. ” I feel like I have to be alone in a room to be able to actually cry freely. I’m afraid the sadness will hit me when I am with people, and I won’t be able to handle it,” I said.
My comments actually opened up a whole conversation about humanity, bereavement, communication, and other things. It became rich with exploration and they thanked me for being authentic.
And I started feeling good again. I can be sad when I’m sad. I can ask people what they mean when I take something the wrong way.
And, my weight is my weight. I’m a few pounds heavier then I was. That is ok. What I need to learn is to speak up sooner and not always blame myself when things don’t work. I don’t need to punish myself by eating and drinking. It doesn’t really get me where I want to go.
This is a journey to discover my freedom. I’ve never been on a trip like this before and while it’s uncomfortable sometimes, the results are worth it. Before, I kept my mouth shut and put up with the life that being quiet gave me.
And I suffered and complained and did nothing about it. And it sucked.
So this is the way life looks when it’s working. I am surrounded by people that I can have these kinds of conversations with. We are exploring life and having great lives. And I am really grateful for it. And I am blessed. And I feel a whole lot better then when I woke up this morning.
Thanks for listening.
Tah
tiredoffeelingbad 