tiredoffeelingbad

I was working with a friend of mine who goes into your subconscious and clears out emotions, and other things that can get stuck in parts of your body.  It’s a little strange,  sounds weird.  I know.  But, since all I have to do is stay on the phone and listen to him, I do it.  I figure, in case it helps, it’s worth it.  It’s not hurting me.  I barely even have to pay attention to him.

One day he told me he asked me if I wanted him to change my core belief.

“What does that mean?”

“Well, I changed mine from I’m a fool to I’m brilliant.”

“That sounds cool,”  I said.  “Why not?  It can’t hurt me, right?”

“No,”  he said.

The first step was to figure out what my current core belief  was.

He did his little questions and I was shocked by what he came up with.

“I am worthless” was the answer.  It didn’t make sense until I thought about it.  It was sort of a theme underlying everything I did, thought, said or acted. I didn’t trust myself and listened to others.  I was insecure in certain areas and always needed validation.

I mean, not all the time.  When I’m confident, I am great.  When things are good, you can’t mess with me.

But there was my other self.  The one I hid.  That one thought she was worthless.

“What would you like to change it to?”  he asked after I adjusted to my worthless feelings.

We talked about it for a while.  I was lying on my blue couch in my furnished rental cottage on the beach.

“I AM A GENIUS!!”

It felt right.  I said it and the world shifted.  I became confident and sure of myself.

“THIS IS AMAZING,”  I said.  I was on a high for a couple of days.

And then I forgot all about it.  The world became familiar again.

About a week later Brazos called and asked how the genius was.

“Oh,”  I said.  “I forgot.  I’m a genius.”  And then everything I did and said and thought became different.  My decisions were great and the world was good.

It’s kind of amazing that one thought about myself can change how I look at everything.  And it’s also crazy that I forget that thought and revert back all the time.

I guess the world is a crazy place.  So, we might as well have fun.

ENJOY!!!!   Thanks for listening.

So I decided to write.

I have been on such a high for the last few days.

And today, I am tired since I got in late from a seminar and still got up early to work out.

I am sitting in a beautiful library in an architect’s office and not only is nobody coming to see me, they are not even looking at me as they walk by.

I am all dressed up and have my computer ready, but ….. apparently for nothing.  And my biggest challenge is trying to stay awake.

When it’s been an hour I will leave and go to the next place.  And, if I have time, take a quick 5 minute nap in the car AND get a large coffee.

All I can think about is going home and going to bed.  If I didn’t have the second appointment, that’s where I would be.

OK – 25 more minutes here.  I have been very nervous lately.

Apparently, excitement and fear feel the same.  For me, it’s a jittery feeling in my chest.  With that is sometimes an upset stomach, and today, I feel like my skin is breaking out.

But, if fear is the same as excitement, then I am wondering if calling it excitement instead will also come with the side effects.  I’m going to try it.  When I feel the nervousness happeneing, I will call it opportunity and excitement instead and see what happens.

But for right now, I have to admit that I am just feeling tired and sick.

I have a purple circle under my eye that isn’t attractive.

My back is starting to hurt.

I just want to go home.

22 minutes left.

I really want to put my head down and go to sleep.  Would that be professional?

OK, after editing this blog I now have 16 minutes.  In 5 I will start to pack up.  I can do this.  No premium here, no claims, no nothing.  NADA!!!  Embarassing, but no one has to know I wasted my time.  Glad the associate who was supposed to come could not make it.  I’d hate for her to know how much this sucked.

Well, that’s it.  It amazes me how I could go from everything being great yesterday to SUCK today.  I guess that’s life and why it will never be boring.  Isn’t that exciting?

Thanks for listening.

I asked three friends to read through my book as part of the editing process.  We wanted to get some feedback before it went final.   One friend has read through the whole thing so far.

She liked it.  It made her think.  But she was “shocked” by a couple of things that I wrote.

Hmm, I wondered.  Which things?

Two different epidodes with two different men.  She was surprised at how honest I was.

I passed her comments on to Maryann, the copy editor I have hired to help me get the book ready for publishing.

“Have you asked any men to read the book?” she asked me.

“No,” I answered.

“Why don’t you ask one to read through it?”

“I can’t think of who I would ask.”

“Do you have any male friends in any of your courses?”

I didn’t answer her.  And now I’m thinking this is a bad thing.  If I’m too embarrased to ask a man to read my book, how do I think I can publish the damn thing.

So now I’m thinking the whole idea is really stupid.  Maybe it is too incriminating and I’m an idiot.  Maybe I shouldn’t do it at all.  How much would I have to change so that no one recognizes anyone?……  I’m exhausted just thinking about it.

OR, (after I take a breath and calm down a little), maybe people will relate to it and I am being brave by going public.   Maybe it will help other women who are suffering from the same fate and I will empower them to live THEIR dreams, too.

I don’t know.  I guess I will sleep on it.  I am tired.   So I will stop for now.  And just breathe.  And deal with these thoughts tomorrow.

Thanks for listening.

I just sent a linked in inmail to Oprah.  Yes, Oprah Winfrey.

Over the weekend, we discussed what was urgent.  Where did we hear the knock?

My connection to the eternal is through spirituality and truth.  I get moved when people are real.  When they experience emotions.

My memoir is real.  It is meant to inspire people.

Who else inspires people?  Oprah.

So I googled how to contact her.  It said to go throught linked in.  So I signed up for premium which is free for a month.  And I sent her an inmail.

I am so excited that I did that.  I am thinking BIG.  I am doing BIG.  It was bold.

If I never hear back, I am still good.  YAY ME!!  I reached out beyond my little world.

Ok, watching the superbowl.  Gotta go.