Archive | April, 2017

Tamper Proof or Use Proof?

28 Apr

Last night I attended a work event in New York City. I was a finalist to win $70,000.   I was one of the 4 finalists out of 12, but in the end, my bank account will remain the same.

It was a nice evening, but the dinner majored on drinks and minored on food.  Each time I would walk up to the bar thinking I should switch to water or selzer, the bartender would hand me another Tito’s and lemonade.  Stunned, I would just take it.  And then end up drinking it.

About 10:00 PM, I thought maybe  I had had enough vodka.  I thought of staying to be sociable, but the few people I spoke to told me they staying to “take advantage of the free alcohol.” I didn’t think that was a good choice seeing as their speech was already slurred so I left.

On the way back to the hotel I decided to go into the 7-11 on the corner to get some water.  I usually carry motrin with me but in my rush for my train that afternoon I forgot quite a few things I normally traveled with.  I bought a little travel size box of Advil.  I figured it couldn’t hurt to fend off the potential headache in the morning due to my very efficient bartender.  I wanted to take some “prophylacticly.” (I love that word for some reason).

I got to my room and opened the box.  There were two little packets in it.  I grabbed one.  I tried to open it with no success.  I looked closer.  There was a dotted line with an arrow going through it.  I tried bending at the line, ripping it, folding it, stabbing it, twisting it and biting it.  I could not get it opened.  I was starting to sweat. I thought about giving up but I wasn’t going to let this little packet get the best of me.

A scissors would probably have helped, but everyone knows you can’t travel with scissors.  They will take them at security.  So, even though I was traveling by train and not air, I did not even think to travel with scissors.

I got madder and madder, remembering the unopened pouch of “Sensual Strut” body wash that was lying on the floor of my shower at home, unopened.   Again, a scissors would have done the trick, but who thinks of bringing one into the shower?  That pouch was indeed “tamper proof” and had never been used.  It had left it on the floor of my shower and it stared at me, daring me to try again.  I never had.

But tonight I would not lose.  I decide to try the second pouch.  But no luck.  I finally had an idea. I searched in my bag for my keys. I found the biggest key and tried stabbing the damn pouch.  After 5 tries I almost gave up.  On the 6th, though, I finally broke through the “tamper-proof” barrier.  I stuck my finger in the little hole pulled and pulled until I got it big enough to get the pills out.

“Success,”  I thought.  I swallowed the two pills with one of my very large “buy 2 for the price of 1” bottles of water.

But why should this be so hard?  Who are we trying to keep out of the pouch?  It’s already inside a glued shut box.  Is it the bad people, innocent children, or the person who actually wants to take the thing?

Whose job is it to come up with these things?  Do they ever try to use it themselves? The questions continued in my mind until I finally exhausted myself into sleep………

And now it’s the next morning.  I’m on the train going home and staring at the second pouch.  It couldn’t really have been that hard.  Maybe it was just the vodka.   Just for kicks and giggles I just tried to open it, thinking it might be easier in the daylight.

Well, nothing changed.  It still didn’t open.  Oh well.

Maybe they should replace “tamper proof” with “use proof.”

 

 

 

 

 

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Being Free to be Annoyed

26 Apr

I was really annoyed last Saturday at a course I was taking.  And I didn’t think I should be.  And it was obvious.  I was acting like a freaking monster, picking fights left and right.  I had to leave early.  I couldn’t wait to go off and be by myself.  Because I hated everyone.

But the main person I hated was me.  What was wrong with me?  Why wasn’t I happy?  I shouldn’t hate everyone.  I shouldn’t be so miserable.  I should be wonderful and skipping through the tulips like all the other pollyannas.  But instead, everything anyone did or said sent me further into my tizzy.

The next day I went back to the course.  I knew I needed to talk to someone.  Everyone else was so happy.  I took one of the leaders aside and told her how I was feeling.  Instead of telling me I should be happy, she told me that yesterday she had felt the same way.

“Embrace your negativity,”  she said.  “You are powerful no matter how you are, so your negativity is just as strong as when you are positive.  You can’t fight it.  You just have to treat it as a friend and take it with you.”

I wasn’t sure that I understood that.  But later, someone told me to just accept being annoyed.  Or frustrated.  Or angry.  Don’t make it wrong.  Just acknowledge it.  No judgement.

So I’ve tried it, and it’s been very freeing.

And then tonight the funniest thing happened.  I had a call with some other writers, and one of them got on ranting and raving about how annoyed she was with some people she had been with last night.  She hated them.  She never wanted to see them again.  She went on and on and on detailing how she had fought with them and even her boyfriend was mad at her.

I started laughing.

“Why are you laughing at me?”  she asked.

“Because that’s exactly how I was Saturday.  It’s amazing.  I was annoyed and hated everyone, too.  But by getting into dialogue with people, I learned to accept however I was.  It has given me freedom.”

We continued to talk about how to use our feelings to make a difference for everyone.  Instead of hiding our negative feelings and making ourselves nuts, we can actually tell people.  Other people may be feeling the same.  We can step into the community instead of wanting to leave it.

The third person on the call hadn’t said a word.  We apologized for our rant. There was silence.

Finally she said, “I’m just glad it’s not be that’s annoyed this time.”

And we all laughed.

And the amazing thing is, I’m now looking forward to being annoyed or frustrated so I can try out my new strategies.  And that’s a miracle.

 

 

 

10 Comments – Getting in to Action

26 Apr

I have received ten comments on my blog.  It hit that a week after my goal.  My next milestone is five days from today.  I need 5-15 more comments.

My first response is…….oh well, guess I won’t hit it.  Who cares?

My second response is…….what are you, a resigned loser?  How can we make this happen?

My first responder says……why do you need to be a hero?  Enjoy your life.  Don’t bother people.  Just give up.

My second responder says……f—- you.  I will do it to spite you.  I can post it on my private facebook sites and ask my friends to check it out and comment.  I’m going to do it right now….

OK – I did it.  I put it a request  on one  facebook page. ( I almost gave up because the typing was minutes delayed, but I hung in there.)

I can put it on another one next.  Why not?

So, the lesson here is:  take the action anyway even if you don’t want to and you are arguing with yourself.  It’s like exercise.  You never feel worse if you do it, but you certainly torture yourself if you don’t.

Regret comes from inaction.  When I’m thinking about what I need to do and not doing it, I exhaust myself thinking about what I should be doing.  And, it makes no difference.

In sales, I’ve learned, that even if I don’t have success,but I’m in action, I can feel good about myself. Lying on my couch sleeping does not result in more appointments or sales.  I tried it yesterday.  Actually, it sort of did.  I took a little break from my calls and emails and took a nap.  When I woke up, I had a response from a client with a time to meet.

So I take that back.  Sometimes a nap is a good thing, but as a break, not as the main activity of the day.

OK – I have a call in 3 minutes.  Thanks for listening.  And, get into action and tell me about it.  How can I help you feel better about yourself and your goals?

 

 

 

Fully functioning adult, not me!!

25 Apr

All weekend we learned about fully functioning adults.  Well, as soon as my sister texted me today, down I went, back to two years old.  And the fight began.

I’ll be juvenile and say she started it by accusing me of taking advantage of  our mother in a nasty tone (via text of course).   I then defended myself.  I found out later she got insulted and then furious when I told her she treated my mother like an invalid.  Then she told me horrible things she thought about my life.

I was stunned by the venom.  Calmly  I told her she was entitled to her opinion but she was wrong.  And I blocked her.

I “called a friend” (or whatever they say on those tv shows), who told me (basically to be nice and compassionate), unblock her, answer her questions and only say thank you to statements.

Well, I failed that one, I thought, thinking of my nasty retorts.

Later, my sister actually apologized.  First I just said “Thank you.”  But I couldn’t resist adding just a little more.  I explained my comment and through in an apology as well.

We don’t usually fight like this so it really got to me today.  My family has gotten along so well since my Dad passed away, but I guess we are all adjusting to the different energies and roles.   My Dad isn’t there to referee or stop the nonsense.  We are all concerned about Mom and making sure she’s ok.  We didn’t have to do that before because Dad was always there.  For 61 years.

So I guess it’s the new normal and we are all trying to handle it the best we can.  I should have more space and humanity for my sister.  I should get over her harsh words and be the grown up.  But I don’t want to.

I think I feel more like junior high.  Having cliques, ignoring people and just being nasty.  So, today that’s me.  And I think it’s because she really hurt my feelings with what she said.  I guess that’s how wars start.  And families stop speaking to each other.  Because when they are mad, they say things they shouldn’t, just like when the girls in my family have PMS.  Everything you thought all month and held back just comes rushing out.  And the really bad part is, when your hormones are raging, you really don’t care who you hurt.  You feel that nasty.

But there was something positive today that I can see.  I saw myself becoming a victim and I fought going all the way down the tubes.  I guess you could call it a partial victimization.  I felt a little sorry for myself.  I thought about calling people to say how bad SHE was and how innocent I was. But I didn’t.   And I didn’t drink.  (Really because I’m on antibiotics but still……….) And, I didn’t eat THAT much.  I tried to just feel insulted and disappointed in how it seemed my sister felt about me.  And just leave it at the emotions.  I’d give myself a C+.  Not great, but not an F.

And, in the spirit of family, love and cumbaya,  I will call my sister and talk it out.  Not tonight, but maybe tomorrow.  Or the next day……..or some day……. I will be a little more grown up than I am right now.    I just don’t know when…………….

 

 

 

 

 

Decluttering my emails

19 Apr

In my seminar Monday night, we looked at areas where we were not organized.

My emails, and the stress associated with trying to get through them each day, came to mind immediately.   I get so many emails from companies trying to sell me, educate me, or sign me up for something that by the time I am through deleting them, I rarely have the mental fortitude left to deal with the real emails.

And, knowing that I might not be getting back to a client, completing a required form, or responding to my boss, weighs on my mind all day.  It robs me of my energy and aliveness.  Just thinking about it makes me tired.

So I created an action step:  unsubscribe to at least 10 companies before our next seminar session.

Before the seminar was even over, I took out my phone and looked at my emails.  The worry started immediately.  What if I need to know what’s on sale at Chico’s?  What if Ann Taylor has a really good dress being featured?  What if I’m missing a good coupon at Bob’s?  What if I ever decide to shop at Kohl’s?   What if I want the 20% off my next book at Barnes & Noble?

I felt like I was trying to declutter my house and couldn’t make myself throw anything away.  This wasn’t even things.  I thought about it.  If I really needed a coupon or something, I could google the regular site and find what I needed.  Even if I kept getting the emails, I’d probably never find the one I needed, remember it was there, or use it before it expired.

I went to the first email.  Chico’s.  I found the unsubscribe button and clicked.  Next was the Gap.  After the first couple it got easier.  Some of them wanted a reason.  Simple – I am trying to get less emails.

So far I have taken myself off of 14 different emails.  And guess what?  This morning I could barely notice the difference.

So I’m going to keep going.  The next few are a little harder.  Do I really need to know when the Chamber of Commerce events are?  I’m not even a member.  But it’s something I probably should go to……………Well, I’m obviously not cured, but I’m a little better then I was before.  Wish me luck.

 

 

Feedback Requested

18 Apr

Hey guys:

I have a project with an end date of June 12, 2017.   My goal is to have at least 25 blog entries and 50 comments by then.

I am currently at 22 blogs since February started which is way more then I thought I would have.  Technically, 4 were before the  project started, so I am at 18.  I am sure I can do at least 7 more before June 12.   And that’s a breakthrough in itself since I had written much in the  past few years and when I did, I password protected them so no one could read them.

So this is a new world.  I am having fun and going for a breakthrough in Freedom.  In the past, I was afraid to tell people about my blog for two main reasons:

  • I have always been very careful to avoid being criticized.  This seems to be putting up a large sign and asking people for criticism.
  • I have a thing about “getting it right” and frankly I don’t know enough about blogs to even know how to get this right

So what I have decided to do is let go of my fear and “wing it.”  I’ve started telling people about this so I can have a HUGE breakthrough in being free to express my real self..

And this blog is the real me.  The one I’ve hidden from the world in an attempt to be “appropriate,” “careful” and under the radar.  The few times I posted in prior years I was told “you can’t post that.”  And I took down the posts, sucked my thumb, and hid in my corner for a few years each time.

This time I am going for it.  But I would like some feedback.  Here are some questions i have:

  1.  How can I measure whether I am having a breakthrough?  By Visits?  By comments?  Views?  Follows?
  2. How do I know if people like what I’m writing or if it’s making a difference?
  3. Should I block the earlier stuff when I was still married and venting and spewing?

One woman I know read the earlier stuff and said it reminded her of her marriage.  She related to it.  So maybe I should leave it.

So here are my requests to you, reader:

  1. Please comment so I know you’ve been here and what you think.  Be gentle if you don’t like it but feedback would be great.
  2. If you understand blogs and have a suggestion for how I can measure whether people are coming, let me know.  I currently had 8 comments (2 were spam so I didn’t approve them), but my goal by yesterday was 10 so I didn’t make it.
  3. By May 1 I want to have at least 15 comments, but a breakthrough would be 25.  So, please tell your friends and please comment even if you just say, I read it.  (That would kind of be like telling me ‘oh you got your hair cut’ and not saying if you liked it, but I’ll take it for now.)
  4. Make suggestions or follow it or whatever  people do.

Thank you for reading this and  participating in my breakthrough results.  It’s really exciting (in the moments when I’m not terrified)!!!!!!

 

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Saying NO

18 Apr

Why is it so hard to say no?  I wanted to tell the guy from last Friday that I was not interested, but I couldn’t.

I said anything but no, thinking he would get the message.  But he still kept calling and texting.

“Ugh,”  I thought.  “WTF?”

And then I realized it was me. I wasn’t being clear.  I was talking around it.

So I sent him one last text.  “We don’t want the same things.  This isn’t working for me.  I’m sorry.  Thank you for your generosity.”

And I blocked him.

Why was it so hard to be straight and say NO.

On another Wisdom call, I brought up my struggle.  “We are taught that NO is bad by 2 years old.  We unlearn how to say it,”  Joyce, our wise wisdom leader said.

The Wisdom course, among many things, looks at the ages of some of our conversations.  When we get stuck at a young age, we only have the capacity of that age.

I didn’t want to be bad, mean, or hurtful to this guy.  Plus, I didn’t want him to get mad.

In “Lovable,” Suzanne tells us that if this is not resonating with what we want, then it is just not the right person.   And, I feel much better not having to deal with him.  I don’t miss him.  But a part of me does feel bad for some reason, and this week I lost different parts of my computer, hurt my hip, and couldn’t think clearly.  And I thought that God must be punishing me in some way.

But, I got clear about that last night.  I have been a “clearing” for “that I do stupid things,”  “I am bad and deserve to be punished,” and “life is hard.”  So, I am creating a new clearing as of today.

“Life is fun and easy.  I have my shit together.  I am perfect as I am.”

Things are looking good now.   I found my computer, and got the missing chord and pen back.  Plus, the car I backed into  didn’t have any damage.  So as soon as I find the notebook I use for work, I will be all set.

Thanks for listening.  I am going to post this now.  I have been reworking it since last week and I am tired of trying to “get it right.”

Getting into communication

11 Apr

Last night I was drinking wine and eating chips and I didn’t freaking care.  I didn’t know what the hell was going on with me.  I definitely wasn’t eating because I was hungry.

Today was weigh in day.  Oh well.  Down .2 which was lucky.  And, I know I would have been down more had I not been so messed up last night.

I didn’t even know why I was eating.  I didn’t even know what I was so upset about.

So today, I started talking.  It started with my work out partner.  He had made a couple of unrelated comments last week that stuck in my brain.  I had twisted them together and made them about me.  In my mind I became so wrong and bad an unlovable that today I could barely talk to him.  I started with the insults and sarcasm.  Then I stopped, remembering yesterday’s “fine, fuck you” lesson.  So I asked him about the comments.  “What did you mean?”  I asked.

One he was joking around and the other one had nothing to do with what I thought.

OK, one down.  Next was the comment from the weekend guy.  He had said “he was willing to overlook my being overweight”.  I was trying not to take it personally, which wasn’t working, and I never wanted to talk to him again.

I shared his comment at weight watchers and they asked if he was still alive.  Yes,  I said, because it was on the phone.  “I couldn’t kill him,”  I said, laughing.

It opened up a whole conversation about not getting triggered by comments and how else we could handle them.  I’m not alone in this.  I love my community there.  Our leader, Zach, is phenomenal.  He gets our struggle and never judges.  We can be free to be ourselves.  It’s the 8:00 Tuesday meeting in Norwalk.  I welcome anyone who struggles with their weight or their mind to join our community.  You might love us.

I also decided I’m tired of running from unpleasant things.  The guy and his comment were still haunting me.  So I texted him how hurt I was.  We went back and forth and got into dialogue and the charge on the whole thing went away.

Then I got on the Wisdom call.  It’s a daily call with a community of people who have participated in Landmark Worldwide’s Wisdom course.  It is a wonderful group of people exploring life.  It was hard for me to speak up today, but  I needed to get out of my head.  I told them that I was afraid of going to Passover this year because it’s the first one without my dad.

“I’m afraid of being sad,” I said.  ” I feel like I have to be alone in a room to be able to actually cry freely.  I’m afraid the sadness will hit me when I am with people, and I won’t be able to handle it,” I said.

My comments actually opened up a whole conversation about humanity, bereavement, communication, and other things.  It became rich with exploration and they thanked me for being authentic.

And I started feeling good again.  I can be sad when I’m sad.  I can ask people what they mean when I take something the wrong way.

And, my weight is my weight.  I’m a few pounds heavier then I was.  That is ok.  What I need to learn is to speak up sooner and not always blame myself when things don’t work. I don’t need to punish myself by eating and drinking.  It doesn’t really get me where I want to go.

This is a journey to discover my freedom.  I’ve never been on a trip like this before and while it’s uncomfortable sometimes, the results are worth it.  Before, I kept my mouth shut and put up with the life that being quiet gave me.

And I suffered and complained and did nothing about it.  And it sucked.

So this is the way life looks when it’s working.  I am surrounded by people that I can have these kinds of conversations with.  We are exploring life and having great lives.  And I am really grateful for it.  And I am blessed.  And I feel a whole lot better then when I woke up this morning.

Thanks for listening.

Tah

 

Fine, F— You

9 Apr

I’ve been wanting to write this one for a while.   And today is the day to write it.

I was talking to my friend, Michael, this morning.  We were discussing my dates from the weekend and he was very supportive and validating.

“Sometimes I really like you,” he said.  “But there are other times that you are very combative and that’s a different side I don’t like as much.”

I looked.  Me?  Combative?  Sweet little me?   Hmmmmmm.

“Well, I guess I do have that other side of me.  The Fine, Fuck You side.”

“What’s that about?”  he asked.

“Well, for example, when we you get another call when we’re talking and you say, “I’ll call you right back,” and you don’t.  It pisses me off.  After a few days of you not calling back, I get mad.  My attitude is “Fine, fuck you.  I don’t need your sorry ass.”  And you’re dead to me.  Done.  You are off my list of friends.  You obviously don’t care and go fuck yourself.”

“Well, why didn’t you just tell me that you didn’t like it?”  he asked.

Hmmmmm.    I thought about it.  “Well, I guess I could say “gee, Michael, you said you would call me back and you didn’t.  What’s up?”  instead.”

“That would be a little bit nicer,”  he said.

I thought some more.  Something was in the way of that.  Then he would know that I cared that he didn’t call me back.  God forbid someone should know that, I thought.  Why?  It made me want to cry for some reason.

I guess I’ve always pretended I was always fine.  Don’t let anyone know you care.  Don’t let them see “the other needy, pathetic side.”  After all, when Schizo, who told me I could just be myself, saw that other side, he ran.  Most of the time I hide that part of me.  I hate that side of me.  And, since I hate it, how could anyone else love it?  It’s all tied to my unlovable, listening equals love morass I guess.

“OK, Michael, I said.  It bothers me when you say you’ll call back and you don’t.”

“Thank you,”  he said.

And that was that.  I have so much to learn.  But, this is the new dating world.  Fun, exciting, pleasurable, right?    So it’s all good.  I can enjoy this journey (instead of hating and dreading it).

PS.  The guy from this weekend asked me to be truthful with him this morning when he called.  So after he kept talking and talking and talking I finally said that I wasn’t sure I was attracted to him.   I didn’t want to hurt his feelings but he asked for honesty.

“Well, you have extra weight on you that I overlooked,” he said.  “It’s about the person.  My ex-wife was a trophy wife.  You don’t look that good,”  he added.

“This conversation is going in the wrong direction,”  I said.  “I need to go.”

So, in the spirit of freedom, I am realizing that that’s his opinion and he was probably retaliating for being hurt by my comment.  And, I know I gained a few pounds after my dad died.  And, I would love to lose them and be the weight I was a year ago.

But, in the meantime, I am going to be like some of the heavier women I know and love myself as I am right now.  This is a new experience for me.  I am 57 years old and in damn great shape for my age.  I am not nor will I ever be a trophy wife.  And, if someone can’t love me for me, you know what I say.   “Fine, f— you.”  Kidding.  Sort of.

Have a great day.

 

 

 

“Lovable”

9 Apr

I was introduced to Suzanne Muller, an author, because a friend of mine thought she could help me get my book published.

She told me her book was called “Lovable.”

“You are kidding,”  I said.  “My whole issue is that I think I’m unlovable.   I guess I was meant to talk to you. ”

We chatted.  She couldn’t help me with my book, but she offered to introduce me to the person who helped her get her book published.

But, we also discussed what she does.  She has a whole business and web site dedicated to helping people find the relationship of their dreams.  Sound familiar?  Not only have I also been a relationship coach, but I am also in search of my dream relationship.

Before we got off the phone, I ordered Suzanne’s book.  And yesterday I did the first exercise.  It’s similar to one I would do with my clients, yet a little different.  It caused me to look at what I really wanted in terms of dating, men, relationships, etc. Even though I’ve done it before, I took Suzanne’s coaching and did it again.

And, I had a date on Friday night.  He seemed very nice and when he described the kind of relationship he wanted, it was exactly what I wanted.  Part of me got excited.  But, then he wanted me to come over after dinner and it was a little too much.  And, he said he really liked me and wanted to see me again.

That night I couldn’t sleep.  I was nervous and my instincts were trying to tell me something.   I was afraid of jumping into this thing and then having to extract myself.  It was going a little fast.  That used to happen with guys before I got married.  And, I didn’t want to repeat the same mistake.

Even so, I saw him for a second date last night.  It was fun, we drank wine, we saw a movie, and it was very enjoyable.    But then he wanted to move too fast.  Part of me wanted to explore things to try to get over Psycho, but the other part knew I needed to get to know him better.   It got uncomfortable and I stopped talking. He asked if he should go.  I said yes.  And, I was relieved.  Happy that he was gone.

And then I started thinking about Psycho.  [I have decided to stop calling him Psycho.  It feels a little mean.  I think Schizo is more appropriate.  Because there are definitely at least two of him.  The charming, passionate man who made me feel so special, loved, connected and adored, AND, the completely selfish mean ass-hole who lied, acted like I was ruining his life and would pick apart everything I did or said.]

So why was I thinking about Schizo?  He’s not looking or available, and the other side of him is a horror show.  So, WTF?

Well, today I figured it out.  I had collapsed the feeling I had with Schizo with Schizo himself.  I want what I had with his charming self.  I loved it.  It was magical.  And I have been holding onto the fantasy because I’m afraid I would never find it again.

And, what I am looking for is the magic, with someone who is trustworthy, capable,  devoted, willing to communicate instead of run away, and available and looking for a relationship.

The guy from this weekend had some of that, but I wasn’t feeling the attraction.  And, I was feeling like there was something wrong with me for not.

But, Suzanne says, when you are out dating and meeting men, ask yourself, “does this experience look and feel like my new destiny?” If not, this may not be the partner for you.

So there it was.  He just wasn’t a fit.  Even though he was available, looking and wanting the kind of relationship I wanted.  And Schizo isn’t a fit either despite my delusional thoughts that he is.  I just want the feeling. And, I’m not going to settle for less.  I don’t have to.

And, today I’m going to do the next exercise in the book.   And if you would like to look up Suzanne’s web site and order her book, it’s called “www.loveablizeyou.com.”  Suzanne will guide you through the exercises to your own loving and fulfilling relationship.  I can’t wait.

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