tiredoffeelingbad

“I don’t want to tell you how I really feel because you’ll think I’m whining,”  Lisa said.

“I’m afraid to tell you because I’m afraid you’ll get mad,” my daughter has said to me.

I once told an old boyfriend:   “I’m afraid if tell you why I’m upset, you’ll know I like you and then won’t like me anymore.”

All these phrases point to one thing.  We are afraid to say the truth. Why?

For me, I wanted to be the good girl.  I didn’t want to be a problem or be considered high maintenance or difficult.

An example was my daughter’s birthday.  She and I had planned on going out for breakfast that morning.  So, the day before, when she told me that her friend was taking her out instead, I was surprised.  Instead of saying I was disappointed, i  merely said, “OK, good, have fun.”

Why didn’t I tell her the truth?

Because I didn’t want to ruin her time with her friend and make it into a big deal. I didn’t want to be a difficult, childish mom.   So I said nothing.  If I really looked, I was upset.  i had really been looking forward to taking her out and spending some quality time with her on her birthday.  After all, I was the one who carried her for nine months and gave birth to her, not her friend.  Didn’t I deserve some time?

But I didn’t say any of that.  I thought I hid it well.  The night before, Haley came into my bedroom and said she wasn’t going with her friend and that we could go.

“Why?”  I asked.

“Because you looked like you were about to cry when you found out you couldn’t go and we didn’t have the heart to make you so sad,”  she said.

“Oh, ok,”  I said.  Inside I was embarassed, but happy.  And we went, and we had a nice time.

Since then I’ve been looking at why I don’t speak up or ask for what I want or tell people the truth when something has hurt me.  And have noticed that other people don’t either.  And, I’ve been wondering what we are all afraid of.

I have tried to speak up a couple of times since then, and I’ll tell you, it feels a lot better than keeping it in.  It’s amazing.  So, I’m going to continue practicing.  I’ll let you know what happens.