tiredoffeelingbad

I had an interesting weekend.  My daughter, Haley, came home for a visit and she was literally on fire with her life.  She is doing amazing at her college internship, has a really great group of friends, and she is just very happy and pleased with herself.  Her excitement is palatable.

A couple of months ago she had shared a YouTube video with me.  It was of Esther Hicks discussing the Law of Attraction, putting out the vibrations of what you want,  and being in the “Vortex.”

I had listened to it on the way to work a few times.  It was very interesting, but I didn’t know if I had actually internalized her message yet.

Saturday night, I was sitting across from Haley at dinner after my son’s college graduation.

“I love this meal.  This is everything I love most in the world,”  Haley said, taking a bite of calamari.   “I love the shrimp and the scallops and all of it.”  She was practically bouncing in her seat.  “Everything is going my way.  I love my life.  Everything I want is happening.”

I just stared at her.  It was hard not to think she seemed a little crazy or on drugs.

“Really?”  I asked.

“Yes,  I am so happy.”

I kept looking at her.  This was not the same girl that called me crying everyday her first semester at college when she had no friends and nothing she was interested in.   She was unrecognizable from her former self.

“Haley, I think you really are in the vortex,”  I said, smiling.

“I am,” she agreed.

I said it several times throughout our meal as she kept talking about her life.

“Mom, it sounds like you are making fun of me,” Haley said, after the fourth time.

Was I?  I thought.  I didn’t mean to.  And I denied it of course.

But, when I was really honest with myself, I guess maybe I did have an edge to my comments.  She did sound a little crazy.  My normally negative self was having a difficult time listening to all this happiness.  As bad as that sounds, it was true.

So I started looking at that.  Why wasn’t I genuinely happy for her?  She was my precious daughter.  Of course I wanted her to be happy and on fire.  Didn’t I?

The problem was that I was listening to my internal dialogue.  My brain was telling me I was not looking good, eating the wrong stuff, would never have a real relationship, and I could pretend to be in the vortex all I want, but I knew the real cynical truth.  Wasn’t Haley just kidding herself?  I wondered.  This had to have an unfortunate end.

The next day I admitted my negativity to Haley.  It got me out of my internal dialogue and into an external one.  (See my last post).

“I just feel so unattractive,”  I told her.  “Old, beat up face and body, and like I’ll never really meet someone.  I’m happy for you, but I’m still having a tough time and feeling negative.”

“Mom, you look so cute.  Your hair looks great and you’re in great shape.”  Haley said.  “You can attract someone great.  Just stay in the vortex.  You are in it.”

Ugh.  I thought. I don’t feel like I’m in the vortex.  But, again, it’s just my negative mind trying to protect me from getting disappointed.

What’s wrong with getting disappointed?  I thought.  I’ve survived it before.  I won’t die.  Why not go for the life I REALLY Want.

“OK, ”  I said, after struggling with my thoughts.  “I’m in.  I’m going for it.  Why listen to my negative thinking?”I grabbed her for a big hug.  I sniffed and tried not to let the tears come out.

“Thanks,”  I said, trying to talk over the lump in my throat.  “I am so proud of you.  You are my inspiration.”

“And you are my hero,”  she said.

And then the tears broke loose.  I am my daughter’s hero?  How can it get better then that?  I guess I REALLY am in the vortex!!!!!  How very cool!!!!

Lately I’ve been in a lot of inquiries about our external vs our internal dialogues.  It’s a fascinating subject.

My simple summary is that our brains talk very negatively to us inside our heads.  The brain patterns were developed during events from our past.  They are designed to protect us from being hurt, embarassed, or repeating anything unpleasant.

But, the problem is that the brains learned these patterns when we were very young.  So, our capacities at that time were not very developed.

For example, when I was very young, my neighbors told me they were coming back for me in a few minutes and didn’t.  I waited for a couple of hours in their driveway.  So, anytime someone doesn’t show up when they said they were, I go into “my incident.”  The world sucks, I suck, I can’t count on anyone, I’m all alone, people lie, fuck them, something is definately wrong and I’m better off not getting my hopes up ever again, and it’s just easier to just be alone.

All because someone doesn’t show up.  I just go immediately crazy.

Over the weekend, a girlfriend of mine didn’t show up.  I was done with her.  Never would I make plans with her again.  I can’t count on her, etc.

Yesterday, one of my sales agents didn’t show up to an account after she said she would.  I automatically got into a bad mood.  The same story played:  I can’t count on anyone, I’m never using her at an account again, how dare she, etc.  When I woke up today, I still felt like the world sucked, and that woman is out of my life.

Today, in a continuing inquiry, I shared about my upset.

“Well, you just had your internal dialogue going.  That was all just going on in your brain,”  the conversation leader said.

“Well, what was I supposed to do?”  I defended myself.

“It’s not bad that you were.  It’s just all from the past.  What is something new that you could say?”

I knew all that happened was that Agent A didn’t show up.  The rest was my very young  brain patterns.  I wasn’t really sure.

“You just have to practice saying something new.  Not from the past.”

“Well, I know that what I would normally say would involve guilt and my own victimization,”  I said.  “I guess all I can do is practice.”

“That’s right,” the call leader said.  “Just reduce the percentage of the past showing up.  Get it from 90% to 80% and so on……….We are not practiced in these conversations.”

OK, I thought.  I will practice.  Because it’s got to be alot better then what I’ve been doing.   Wish me luck and stay tuned…………

I am on hold AGAIN.  I have been on hold for over an hour.  This is not my first time.

I booked flights for December with JustFly.  I paid an extra $200 for my flights so that I could cancel them if I needed to and get my money back.

When I went to cancel them they told me I couldn’t.  I got very upset.   They finally said that if I paid another $75.00 more to cancel them, they would issue me a credit for $515.

They said they would listen to the recording and if they heard the person say that my flights were cancellable, I would get my money back.  Call in a week, they said.

After a week, I started calling.  On my fifth call, a very snotty girl said, “they are NOT going to listen to the recording.”

I was disillusioned and stopped calling about the recording.  But, I wasn’t totally deflated because I still had my credit.  If I only knew.

I tried to use the credit to book my LA flights in June.  I could never get a person on the phone.  They would transfer me to the credit department.  I would listen to horrible music for at least 45 minutes.  Inevitably I would have to go some place before anyone picked up and I would hang up.  I started thinking it was not a real phone line.  It was designed to make people insane.  And it was working on me.   So I gave up on my LA flights.

I kept seeing the damn paper with the credit information on it on my dining room table.  Even though I thought it was better to just write off the $515 plus $75 loss, I just couldn’t yet.  I need to book flights to Sonoma in July.

Determined not to give up, I called the number again.  They transferred me to the credit department.  I put the phone down and just started doing other things.  I was amazed when someone actually picked up.

Whoopee.  I was excited until the guy told me I COULD use the credit, but it would take me two days to get to California with all of the stops.  There are only so many flights that he could use.

“ARE YOU KIDDING ME?”  I SCREAMED.  “THAT’S NOT EVEN HUMAN.  IT MAKES NO SENSE.”

I hung up on him since I had to leave for a meeting.

I’ve tried a few times since then.  I actually got someone who was booking me flights after an hour.  We had some reasonable flights to LA.  Then the call dropped.  I waited for her to call me back.  The phone never rang.

“CAN THIS GET ANY WORSE?”  I thought.  I freaking hate these ass holes.

Tonight I got brave again.  After 50 minutes a girl picked up.  She said that based on the last girls flights to pay $615.  You mean I subtract the $515 and I pay $100?  No.  You pay $615.

“That is ridiculous,” I said.  “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?”

“I will try to recalculate,” she said in her foreign little accent.

I have been on hold for a long freaking time.  I have priced out regular flights.  They are $458.  This is getting to be not worth it.  I should kiss my $515 plus $75 goodbye.  And just never use them again.

I will see what cutesy voice comes up with.  You may hear me screaming.  I have poured myself a vodka, lime juice and diet tonic.  I am ready to go to sleep and it is only 7:41 PM…………………………………………………………………

It is now 8:07.  After all this time, she had flights that would cost me $1000 less the $515 so $458 that I would have to pay which is the price I would pay going to google flights. I told her thank you and hung up.

I still have not used my credit.  She said it would be better to use it 4 months ahead.  So I will.  I just have to book before September.  We will see what happens next time.  I am going to give myself a month to recover before I try again.  My stress can’t take it.

Something told me not to book those flights.  So I didn’t.

But I feel like I’m getting closer.  Sad, but true.

Well, it’s time for bed.  This wore me out.  Adios.