9-2-12
I haven’t been writing because I didn’t want Jack to read this. I know, a broken record, but…it’s true still. I didn’t want him to know that I was still fantasizing about FB. I know it is/was an emotional affair if only in my very own mind. I think about him all day, when I go to bed, when I get up, when I work out, etc.
BUT, I think I finally figured out what the fantasy is about. I had already realized that I am not out for sex, but for an emotional attachment, AND, that I wanted to be “the one” for this person. It isn’t about anything other than being “the one”.
BUT, today my realization went deeper after having a major tamtrum and also reading a nice fiction book. Which would you like to hear about first? OK, the tamtrum it is.
I went to work out, knowing that Chad and Jack had to leave to go to hockey at 10:30 AM. I was going to have a nice leisurely morning, take my swim in the sound in preparation for NEXT WEEK’s Triathlon, YES, NEXT FREAKING WEEK, but that’s another topic.
I get a call asking if I am going this morning, can I take Chad’s friend home, should Sybil go with them or me, etc…. I said I would go later but was told that this morning’s game would be better than the night’s. (It is a tournament.)
So, without actually choosing this path, I am now racing to bring Chad’s friend home and fix my tire pressure which has it’s indicator on. Not knowing how to do this, I enlist the help of Chad’s friend and we check the pressure. The indicator doesn’t immediately go off, but the tires are full, so whatever……..we drop off the friend.
I have to race home because Sybil did not go with Jack and Chad but wants to go (not for the hockey, but for the cute boys). I race through a quick shower, grab food and eat it in the car while racing the 45 minutes to this God forsaken rink in the middle of New York state. We get there and Chad is not playing. Usually the two goalies split the game so we wait through a terminally long first half. They are playing two 25 minute periods for whatever reason.
We chat with the parents and I am glad to be getting my parental duty over with. What happens next is the ugly part…….Chad does not go out to play in the second half. Jack says, oh, I guess he will play the whole second game. I FLY OFF THE HANDLE – Well, there is no reason for me to stay. I only came to see him play – I should have kept my original plans, this sucks, I hate hockey and I start leaving the rink.
Jack’s response – “I didn’t do anything. This is not my fault.”
I respond, “It is not your fault, but it still sucks. I should have come to the later game with my mother, seen my niece who was at her house, gone swimming and gone to the library. I hate hockey and I am tired of pretending that I enjoy it. I ONLY come to see Jesse play.”
And,I peeled out of the parking lot. I called my friend, Silly Stewie – a girl – and told her I am a bad parent, bad person, self-serving, and selfish.
Oh, another story that had already set me off. We are trying to hit a certain award at work. This week we were giving premium (yes, contest manipulation as always), to Associate A. With 3 days to go, we find out she is ineligible due to too many cancellations. Plan B is Associate B who needs $14,700 which is a helluva lot. We called her, but she is not the team playing type and isn’t really participating.
Today Jack called her (on Sunday) to tell her that she can work with him on Tuesday. He put me on the phone and I started talking. In the middle of my sentence she says, I have a house full of people here and I am being rude. I said, oh, I’m sorry and basically hung up on her.
I felt REALLY BAD. I texted an apology that Jack didn’t tell me she was busy. BUT, I realized that I am a self-serving person who is only helping her because it helps us. I had already written her off as a non-participating associate, but because we need her to hit this, I am feeding her premium. She can’t feel very proud of this, and I just hate that she isn’t very responsive or partipational (word?).
So, I was already feeling like a bad person when I had the tantrum. Bad, bad, bad. I fantasized on the way home about either just being alone forever since I am so evil, or being with FB who would love me just as I was and validate everything I feel, think or do.
While reading my book, the heroine and hero are married and love each other despite their troubled childhoods. She is a police lieutenant and excellent at solving the mysteries while putting herself in danger. She is a leader and no bullshit person. He loves her and adores her and validates her and protects her as only is done in fiction.
She, in turn, loves and adores him, they have passionate sex to relieve the stress of trying to find the bad guy and, of course, in the end, even though she is hurt, they capture the bad guy and send him to an off-planet prison. The book is written in the future.
Later on this day, I realized I just want to feel safe and validated. I am always being questioned by my mother. I am often being critiqued or criticized by my father and sister. Sometimes Jack will “take issue” at my choice of words or that with all that is going on in the world, “why do you even have to talk about THAT?”
I just want to be ok just as I am. I want to be secure in my thoughts, feelings and decisions. I want to be validated and cherished just as I am. I want to feel safe to express myself and just be. I want someone who truly gets who I am, the good and the bad, and is secure enough to let me be however I am without making it about themselves.
That would be peace. That would be heaven. Yes, I want passionate mind blowing sex, but not if the person doesn’t get me and think I am fabuloso. I want them to see the good as well as the bad, and love me anyway.
So, when I got home, I went to the library and picked out 4 new books which I love to do, especially since they will be closed tomorrow for Labor Day. I then went to the beach and swam in the real sound twice what I need to do for the triathlon. I have now run twice, biked twice, and swam twice in the real elements. I have done twice the distance in biking and swimming. Running is a bit of a challenge since my knee and hip hurt afterwards. I will minimize what I do this week. I have an outfit (although I haven’t swam in it with the bra, oh well), I have a bike, and I have new running shoes. I borrowed the bike and helmet and so I splurged on the triathlon suit since it was a third the price of the others and on sale for 30% off.
One week from today. I think I can pull it off. I got off major mental hurdles with the bike ride thanks to my very generous friend, Katherine. MAJOR!!! I have gone through major mental and physical hurdles with the running as well. I never want to do it, I actually dread it. AND, with the swimming, it totally has bored me, and I can’t wait to be done. Today, however, I did get in a rhythm in the second half. Once I’m done, I always feel better (except with the running).
So, in closing, I just want to feel safe. I don’t want to be judged, criticized, or questioned. I love my mother, I really do. I am fortunate to have such a generous, loving, energetic mother still with us. Many people have lost theirs. I am truly grateful, AND, she drives me crazy with the questions. AND the nudging. She means well and is often right, BUT, …….it is really frustrating. REALLY FRUSTRATING.
And so, I feel like a bad, bad, daughter and mother. Oh, I forgot this part. When Jack called, I had swum and was at the beach. I had finished my book about the police woman. I answered his questions curtly. He asked if there was anything I needed to say. I blurted out emotionally, I just feel bad for how I feel. AND, he actually told me I didn’t need to. That was freeing. Then he said we will get this job done this week when I said I was worried about it. So, I feel better after all.
It is only 7:03 PM. I am tired and something smells. It is this shirt that was in my drawer for a long time. I never wore it to work out so never wore it. It got too sweaty and is too big. I am wearing it now and it is a lovely color.
Tomorrow I will go to the gym at 8:00 or later. It is only open between 8 and 12. I have been obnoxious to DH since he was telling me to switch to decaf. Fuck him. I asked him today “isn’t this your day off?” Oh well, I guess I do need decaf. There was another guy – Joe, who is an ex New York policeman. He is only here in the winters I guess. He is on his fourth wife. He is huge and used to be 80 pounds heavier with all muscle. Scary!!!! I wouldn’t mess with him.
Anyway, I am getting hot and I am going to read my book. Sorry I’ve been away. I feel better having expressed myself. It’s been a while since I had the time and was alone with no one looking over my shoulder.
Oh, I also had a long talk with SM today. We discussed banking, etc. Caught up. It was a year ago when we were “hanging out”. Wow. I can’t believe it’s been a year. Well, he helped me get over DH so for that I am grateful. Sometimes I think he is just too boring, but he wasn’t bad today.
Time to go. I have to title this and save it before the loons come home. Thanks for listening.
PS As I title this “I just want to feel safe,” I need to tell you that my father, while very loving, had quite a temper, and 4 of the 5 of us children learned how to act so he didn’t get mad. (Mostly). One of my brothers was stubborn and got him really pissed a couple of times. It was so bad that my mother had to get involved to keep him safe. The other 4 of us learned how to get along, but, I guess, a part of me was always sort of scared of having him get that way with me. I would say or do whatever I had to do.
One time, however, I forgot to sweep the porch and was reading. My father got really mad and told him I was a lazy, good for nothing. (Bad girl to me). I really had just forgotten. BUT, that made an impact, and deep inside, I have always thought I was a bad girl. I really wasn’t until high school and college when I went a little wild, but growing up, I was a brown nose, got good grades, didn’t make trouble, etc. I just forgot to sweep the freaking porch once.
It’s freaking amazing what scars us, huh? Oy vay. I would say to that. BUT, that’s probably where it came from.
Anyway, just thought I would let you know why being safe is so important since I wasn’t REALLY ever in danger, sort of. OK, that’s really it this time. Adios.
tiredoffeelingbad 