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Talking to my Dad, God rest his soul

4 Mar

Earlier today I was feeling alone.  And scared and worried about the future.  But when I stopped for a minute and became grateful for what I have, my thoughts altered.

Maybe great things are in store for me.  Maybe my journey is just beginning.  I have a blank slate  – I am divorced, my kids are off to college, and I can create anything I want to.

And maybe that means my life will be way more then I thought it could be.  And I remember my dad who died a month and a half ago.

My dad told the Rabbi two days before he passed away, that he didn’t know life could be this good.  And I am happy that his life surpassed his expectations.  He was a great man and I miss him terribly at certain moments.  I miss knowing he was there and seeing him shuffle from room to room because the nephropathy from his cancer treatments had destroyed the feeling in his feet and hands.

And now I am crying, but I’m ok with that.  I have learned to feel the sadness instead of resisting it.  And it will last less then a minute if I allow it.  Some great mentors have taught me that recently.  Trying not to be sad hurts more.

I sob.  It’s easier to do when I’m alone.  But I know if my Dad is watching, he would be saying, “what are you crying about?  I’m right here with you.  Get on with your day already.”

And I smile as the tears come down.  “I miss you, Dad.  It’s not the same without you.”

“I know,” he answers.  “But you always have me in your heart.  I am with you.  You are not alone.  And you have our amazing family, great friends, and a community that loves you and believes in you.  You will find your way.  It’s just scary and unknown.  But it will all work out.  This is just the way life looks sometimes.  I love you.”

“Thanks, Dad.”  I answer silently.  “I needed that today.  I guess loneliness is just body sensations and thoughts that occur sometimes.  They don’t mean anything.  I have a  great life and I love my place here.  I remember when you came to look at it and you loved it.  I wish you could be here with me, but I guess you are, in my heart and spirit.  Thank you for loving me and giving me my life.  You were a great father.  Thanks for driving me to school in the mornings with my harp.  When I got out of the car you would always say, “Be Terrific.”  I wish you could say it to me right now, but I will hear it in my mind.”

And I’m not going to apologize for crying.  I am trying to learn to experience my emotions instead of numbing them like I did last night.  Red wine, chips and hummus.   And, I might do it again tonight.  Or maybe I won’t.  Either way is fine.

And the grief comes and goes.  Sometimes I am fine.  Sometimes I am a crying mess.  And I know that Dad just wants me to have a great life.  And I do.  (But sometimes I just forget!)

 

 

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What is “being alone?”

4 Mar

I was at the gym this morning, surrounded by people. Pushing myself, working hard doing my functional workout, and I had the thought, “I am alone.”

How could that be when I am in a crowded room? All I would have to do is start a conversation. Say hello to someone. Make some friends.  But today I just didn’t want to.  Not in the mood.  I’m alone and no one cares.  And I felt sorry for myself for just a a few minutes while I finished my chest and ab exercises.

But let me make it clear, I am not actually alone in the world at all. I have an amazing family – mom, kids, siblings, cousins – and several supportive, loving communities that I am a part of.  I have recently discovered that I am truly loved and that people really do believe in me as my higher Self, not the disempowering self I often see myself as.

So maybe “being alone” was just a thought. And it was followed by other thoughts – my life shouldn’t look this way, something’s wrong here and what’s wrong with me.

Because this is what I wanted. I got divorced so I could have the life I wanted, not support my ex-husband’s idea of a life. I chose not being married and that means, for right now,  being ok with being alone.

How did I end up divorced?  I try to remember sometimes when I wonder if I made a mistake.  But then it all comes back………..My ex always promised that things would change.  That instead of him ignoring me and doing whatever he wanted whether I liked it or not, that he would pay attention to me, respect me and be a partner instead of a lone ranger.  And so I hoped that each time he said it, things really would be different.  And I waited for 20 years.  Until my kids pointed out that this was the same argument they’d been hearing their whole lives.  And stop kidding myself that things would ever be different.

And a light bulb went off.  I had been waiting for him to change so I could be happy.

And that seemed crazy.  Why should  he have to change?  He should stay exactly the way he was.

But I had a choice.  I had a say in my happiness.  And I didn’t have to stay married to him.  Once I got over my fear, opinions and judgments about divorce, I started the process.  And as tough and scary as it was, we finally got divorced.

And since then, I have created my life the way I want it to be. So here I am with a blank slate. On my own. Looking at the water in my adorable rented cottage on the beach. I love it here. It is peaceful, serene, nourishing to my soul.  I sit and breathe at the wonderful world  have created.

And then panic replaces serenity.  This beautiful rental ends on June 1.  I will have no place to live.  I had told myself back in September when I moved in, that I wouldn’t worry about where I would go next until March. Well today is March 4th. It’s time to worry.

Or instead of fear, I can tell myself to trust the universe, even though it’s not natural for me. Or I can just breathe. (I’ve been doing that my whole life.) And, just like with my divorce, I can take the time to visualize what I want, figure out what I need to do, and create a plan. Instead of being a powerless, paralyzed victim, I can  get into action.

And I can really believe that I will find the next place I am to live. And, when it is time for me to have the relationship of my dreams, that God and my guardian angel will present the right man. And, until then, I can enjoy my life, the solitude, the freedom, and the love that I know is all around me.

So what if it doesn’t look like I thought it would? That it’s different. It doesn’t mean it’s bad. It’s just not what I expected.  And sometimes I have the thought that I am alone.  It’s just a thought, after all.

And, this is the way life looks when it’s working…………….