Archive | Making the same mistakes over and over again RSS feed for this section

Being Free to be Annoyed

26 Apr

I was really annoyed last Saturday at a course I was taking.  And I didn’t think I should be.  And it was obvious.  I was acting like a freaking monster, picking fights left and right.  I had to leave early.  I couldn’t wait to go off and be by myself.  Because I hated everyone.

But the main person I hated was me.  What was wrong with me?  Why wasn’t I happy?  I shouldn’t hate everyone.  I shouldn’t be so miserable.  I should be wonderful and skipping through the tulips like all the other pollyannas.  But instead, everything anyone did or said sent me further into my tizzy.

The next day I went back to the course.  I knew I needed to talk to someone.  Everyone else was so happy.  I took one of the leaders aside and told her how I was feeling.  Instead of telling me I should be happy, she told me that yesterday she had felt the same way.

“Embrace your negativity,”  she said.  “You are powerful no matter how you are, so your negativity is just as strong as when you are positive.  You can’t fight it.  You just have to treat it as a friend and take it with you.”

I wasn’t sure that I understood that.  But later, someone told me to just accept being annoyed.  Or frustrated.  Or angry.  Don’t make it wrong.  Just acknowledge it.  No judgement.

So I’ve tried it, and it’s been very freeing.

And then tonight the funniest thing happened.  I had a call with some other writers, and one of them got on ranting and raving about how annoyed she was with some people she had been with last night.  She hated them.  She never wanted to see them again.  She went on and on and on detailing how she had fought with them and even her boyfriend was mad at her.

I started laughing.

“Why are you laughing at me?”  she asked.

“Because that’s exactly how I was Saturday.  It’s amazing.  I was annoyed and hated everyone, too.  But by getting into dialogue with people, I learned to accept however I was.  It has given me freedom.”

We continued to talk about how to use our feelings to make a difference for everyone.  Instead of hiding our negative feelings and making ourselves nuts, we can actually tell people.  Other people may be feeling the same.  We can step into the community instead of wanting to leave it.

The third person on the call hadn’t said a word.  We apologized for our rant. There was silence.

Finally she said, “I’m just glad it’s not be that’s annoyed this time.”

And we all laughed.

And the amazing thing is, I’m now looking forward to being annoyed or frustrated so I can try out my new strategies.  And that’s a miracle.

 

 

 

Advertisements

Saying NO

18 Apr

Why is it so hard to say no?  I wanted to tell the guy from last Friday that I was not interested, but I couldn’t.

I said anything but no, thinking he would get the message.  But he still kept calling and texting.

“Ugh,”  I thought.  “WTF?”

And then I realized it was me. I wasn’t being clear.  I was talking around it.

So I sent him one last text.  “We don’t want the same things.  This isn’t working for me.  I’m sorry.  Thank you for your generosity.”

And I blocked him.

Why was it so hard to be straight and say NO.

On another Wisdom call, I brought up my struggle.  “We are taught that NO is bad by 2 years old.  We unlearn how to say it,”  Joyce, our wise wisdom leader said.

The Wisdom course, among many things, looks at the ages of some of our conversations.  When we get stuck at a young age, we only have the capacity of that age.

I didn’t want to be bad, mean, or hurtful to this guy.  Plus, I didn’t want him to get mad.

In “Lovable,” Suzanne tells us that if this is not resonating with what we want, then it is just not the right person.   And, I feel much better not having to deal with him.  I don’t miss him.  But a part of me does feel bad for some reason, and this week I lost different parts of my computer, hurt my hip, and couldn’t think clearly.  And I thought that God must be punishing me in some way.

But, I got clear about that last night.  I have been a “clearing” for “that I do stupid things,”  “I am bad and deserve to be punished,” and “life is hard.”  So, I am creating a new clearing as of today.

“Life is fun and easy.  I have my shit together.  I am perfect as I am.”

Things are looking good now.   I found my computer, and got the missing chord and pen back.  Plus, the car I backed into  didn’t have any damage.  So as soon as I find the notebook I use for work, I will be all set.

Thanks for listening.  I am going to post this now.  I have been reworking it since last week and I am tired of trying to “get it right.”

“Lovable”

9 Apr

I was introduced to Suzanne Muller, an author, because a friend of mine thought she could help me get my book published.

She told me her book was called “Lovable.”

“You are kidding,”  I said.  “My whole issue is that I think I’m unlovable.   I guess I was meant to talk to you. ”

We chatted.  She couldn’t help me with my book, but she offered to introduce me to the person who helped her get her book published.

But, we also discussed what she does.  She has a whole business and web site dedicated to helping people find the relationship of their dreams.  Sound familiar?  Not only have I also been a relationship coach, but I am also in search of my dream relationship.

Before we got off the phone, I ordered Suzanne’s book.  And yesterday I did the first exercise.  It’s similar to one I would do with my clients, yet a little different.  It caused me to look at what I really wanted in terms of dating, men, relationships, etc. Even though I’ve done it before, I took Suzanne’s coaching and did it again.

And, I had a date on Friday night.  He seemed very nice and when he described the kind of relationship he wanted, it was exactly what I wanted.  Part of me got excited.  But, then he wanted me to come over after dinner and it was a little too much.  And, he said he really liked me and wanted to see me again.

That night I couldn’t sleep.  I was nervous and my instincts were trying to tell me something.   I was afraid of jumping into this thing and then having to extract myself.  It was going a little fast.  That used to happen with guys before I got married.  And, I didn’t want to repeat the same mistake.

Even so, I saw him for a second date last night.  It was fun, we drank wine, we saw a movie, and it was very enjoyable.    But then he wanted to move too fast.  Part of me wanted to explore things to try to get over Psycho, but the other part knew I needed to get to know him better.   It got uncomfortable and I stopped talking. He asked if he should go.  I said yes.  And, I was relieved.  Happy that he was gone.

And then I started thinking about Psycho.  [I have decided to stop calling him Psycho.  It feels a little mean.  I think Schizo is more appropriate.  Because there are definitely at least two of him.  The charming, passionate man who made me feel so special, loved, connected and adored, AND, the completely selfish mean ass-hole who lied, acted like I was ruining his life and would pick apart everything I did or said.]

So why was I thinking about Schizo?  He’s not looking or available, and the other side of him is a horror show.  So, WTF?

Well, today I figured it out.  I had collapsed the feeling I had with Schizo with Schizo himself.  I want what I had with his charming self.  I loved it.  It was magical.  And I have been holding onto the fantasy because I’m afraid I would never find it again.

And, what I am looking for is the magic, with someone who is trustworthy, capable,  devoted, willing to communicate instead of run away, and available and looking for a relationship.

The guy from this weekend had some of that, but I wasn’t feeling the attraction.  And, I was feeling like there was something wrong with me for not.

But, Suzanne says, when you are out dating and meeting men, ask yourself, “does this experience look and feel like my new destiny?” If not, this may not be the partner for you.

So there it was.  He just wasn’t a fit.  Even though he was available, looking and wanting the kind of relationship I wanted.  And Schizo isn’t a fit either despite my delusional thoughts that he is.  I just want the feeling. And, I’m not going to settle for less.  I don’t have to.

And, today I’m going to do the next exercise in the book.   And if you would like to look up Suzanne’s web site and order her book, it’s called “www.loveablizeyou.com.”  Suzanne will guide you through the exercises to your own loving and fulfilling relationship.  I can’t wait.

Oops – I forgot I had a Great Life

3 Apr

Finally, after 6 hours of searching, I figured out how to change my sub-title for this blog.  So I have replaced the Menopause sub-titl with “Oops – I forgot I had a Great Life………..

Today I was at the gym.  A different one than normal.  I saw a guy I knew from high school.  He was a class above me.

“How’s it going?” he asked me.

In that split second I remembered that the last time I saw him my father was still alive, but struggling.  Sadness took over my voice and all I could say was quiet  “ok.”

“Come on,” he said. “It’s a beautiful day.  Life is good.”

I was tempted to tell him about my dad, but something made me tell him instead about my plans to meet Renee, who he also knew, for breakfast.  She just moved to his neighborhood.  I tried to be upbeat as we chatted about where he lived  and how she should come visit, etc.  I smiled, pretending I was REALLY HAPPY ABOUT MY LIFE.

And I walked away thinking, “he probably thinks I am just a sad, pathetic, negative phony jerk.”   My good feeling from my work out had disappeared after our conversation, with me wondering what was wrong with me that I couldn’t just be upbeat and happy all the time like him.

I told Renee about it and she said, “if you tell people about your Dad, they will have more freedom around the sadness.  It changes everything.  You don’t have to pretend to be happy.”

Oh, I thought.  Well I could try that instead.  Would be easier.

Later today, while on my deck, in the sun, I was reading a book called the Charisma Myth.  It was talking about that exact thing.  How if we can prevent, identify or address the internal discomforts that cause our faces and bodies to display negative body language, we can minimize how it affects others.  People can sense when we have a negative thought, physical discomfort, or unhappy emotion.  They subconsciously think we are responding to them and it can put an unconscious barrier between us.

The book also addresses “feeling bad about feeling bad,” one of my all time ‘send me over to the wrong side of life’ triggers.  Not only do I feel bad about something, but I think I shouldn’t feel bad so I feel even worse.  Again, I thought I was the only one who did this.

It’s all learning and I guess we are never done.  That’s what makes life exciting, right?

And it’s all on the path to freedom.

Thanks for reminding me I have a great life.

Infuriated

5 Mar

I am using this blog to vent.

I was having a wonderful day.  I was cooking, cleaning up, and happy about my success at the gym smiling at 5 people.

I tried grilling some chicken, chicken sausages and eggplant, but after two hours, I hadn’t made much progress.  Since my oven doesn’t work, I was determined to get this stuff cooked.  Seeing my frustration, my neighbor stopped by and offered to check the fire.

“It’s just too cold,”  he said.  “The wind blew out the flame.”
I took the food inside and made it on the stove top.  I sauteed the chicken and made a stew with the sausage and eggplant, adding some canned tomatoes and some of the chicken as well.

My son stopped by with a friend from college.  Like most 21 year olds, they were hungry.  They had several helpings of the chicken and the stew.  Since most of the time no one likes my food, I was very happy that they enjoyed it.  The friend was nice and wants to be in the drug enforcement agency after college.  He had 5 friends that died of heroin overdoses.  It was nice to see someone who wants to make a difference in the world.  He said if he can save one mother from having to cry over her dead child, he will have achieved his goal.  I hope he does more then that.  I was inspired by his passion.

So why do I need to vent?  Well, after they left and I was about to start a project, the door opened.  I thought my son, Jesse,  had forgotten something, but no, it was my ex, looking for Jesse.

Even though Jesse had left, Mark, my ex, came in anyway.  He often stops by when he’s hungry.  I offered him food and he accepted an apple and peanut butter.  He left the dish and knife in the sink.

“Who’s supposed to clean this?”  I asked him.

“I thought you would want to so you could use it again.”  I have no dishwasher and this was a plastic plate and knife.

“Why wouldn’t you think to clean it?”

Because he wouldn’t.  And I started screaming about how he just comes, eats, doesn’t bring anything, and leaves a mess.  He does that at my mother’s as well.

Mark just looked at me, not saying a word.  That got me even madder.  I was trying to understand how a grown man can act this way.  Finally he spoke.

“You want to do everything yourself.  You don’t need help.  You like to be independent.” he said.

“Why would you think that?” I screamed.  “I love when someone offers to help.  I hate doing everything myself.  I hate lugging all my stuff everywhere.  It’s very convenient for you to think that.  Then you don’t have to offer to do anything for me.  BUT IT’S NOT TRUE!!!”

So he actually offered to help. I had him take the garbage out to the curb on his way out.  I walked him out, loading up my car for the next day with work stuff.  When I came back I was fuming.

Why do you even let him in you might ask.  Have boundaries.  Tell me not to come over. You are divorced, you don’t owe him anything.

Well, I tried that.  And, I felt like a bitch.  I guess I feel sorry for him.  He stops over my mother’s as well and she feeds him.   One night I asked him to please at least bring his dish to the sink.  He acted shocked that I would mention it.  Acted like of course he would take his plate up.  Infuriated, I end up screaming at him and looking like a bitch as usual in front of my mother.  I was so mad I went upstairs and told him never to come over again.

The next night he came back as if nothing had happened.  Like in our marriage, nothing I said was ever heard or paid attention to.

Being ignored, not respected, mocked, and treated like I am the crazy one infuriates me. I can’t explain it.   I don’t think I’m a bad person.  But he makes me feel like one.  Is it too much to ask a grown man to clean up after himself, especially if he is constantly getting  free meals and didn’t offer to bring anything or help in any way.  Am I wrong?  Would you be infuriated?

This is what happened during my marriage.  The guy acted so innocent when I was upset that I would think that I was going crazy and the problem was me.  I know it takes two to tango, but often, after being around this man, I feel crazy.

I guess the answer is stay away.  Tomorrow we have a seminar together with our son.  He asked if I wanted to drive with him.  The lazy answer is yes so I can sleep, but I think it’s time to say no.  Be independent.  If I am going to really move on, it’s time to move on.

We are still connected through the kids as a family, but we are no longer a couple.  I think in order to save my sanity, it’s time to say no.

I get sucked in by ass holes who get you to feel sorry for them.  They can be charming, but are completely narcissistic and self oriented.  The last guy had this whole sob story about how terrible his childhood was.  “I just want someone to take care of me.”  So I tried.  And in the end, he would practically spit at me when I offered to help.  It makes me sick now to think about how nice I was and how badly I was treated.  Ugh, don’t go there.

So what can make me more aware next time?

If I’m not getting treated the way I want to, move on.

If they are not available, move on.

If they don’t keep their word and try to blame me for being upset, move on.

If they criticize my words or what I am doing or wearing, move on.

If their words don’t match their actions, move on.

If I feel worse after being around them or talking to them, move on.

if I’m afraid to get them mad and have to change myself to keep them happy, move on.

Ok, well this is a start.  I am feeling a little calmer.  If I keep repeating the same thing that infuriates me (being around Mark), or having to change myself to keep someone happy, then who’s the idiot?  Me.

And, I will not call myself stupid for making these mistakes.  Each man I was with served a purpose.  But, to think I need any of them to love me again is crazy.  That’s amnesia and thinking I am still unlovable.  And I gave that up.

Being in scarcity makes me think I will never find someone else that I am that attracted to.  I will no longer go there in my brain.

I have developed my plan.  I am getting myself out there.  I have signed up for seminars, workshops, programs and vacations.  I will figure out where I will live after June 1.  I will hit my work goals for the end of March.  I will be at my goal weight again.  I will serve others and make a difference.  I will enjoy my life exactly as it is right now.  I will be grateful for what is good.

I can learn from my mistakes instead of going down the path of I am just stupid and unlovable and crazy.  I am tired of that game.  No cheese down that tunnel.

So thanks for listening.  This helps.  Until next time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and I fed them and it was very nice.  I enjoyed the conversation and that they ate what I made.  And liked it and asked for more.