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Being Free to be Annoyed

26 Apr

I was really annoyed last Saturday at a course I was taking.  And I didn’t think I should be.  And it was obvious.  I was acting like a freaking monster, picking fights left and right.  I had to leave early.  I couldn’t wait to go off and be by myself.  Because I hated everyone.

But the main person I hated was me.  What was wrong with me?  Why wasn’t I happy?  I shouldn’t hate everyone.  I shouldn’t be so miserable.  I should be wonderful and skipping through the tulips like all the other pollyannas.  But instead, everything anyone did or said sent me further into my tizzy.

The next day I went back to the course.  I knew I needed to talk to someone.  Everyone else was so happy.  I took one of the leaders aside and told her how I was feeling.  Instead of telling me I should be happy, she told me that yesterday she had felt the same way.

“Embrace your negativity,”  she said.  “You are powerful no matter how you are, so your negativity is just as strong as when you are positive.  You can’t fight it.  You just have to treat it as a friend and take it with you.”

I wasn’t sure that I understood that.  But later, someone told me to just accept being annoyed.  Or frustrated.  Or angry.  Don’t make it wrong.  Just acknowledge it.  No judgement.

So I’ve tried it, and it’s been very freeing.

And then tonight the funniest thing happened.  I had a call with some other writers, and one of them got on ranting and raving about how annoyed she was with some people she had been with last night.  She hated them.  She never wanted to see them again.  She went on and on and on detailing how she had fought with them and even her boyfriend was mad at her.

I started laughing.

“Why are you laughing at me?”  she asked.

“Because that’s exactly how I was Saturday.  It’s amazing.  I was annoyed and hated everyone, too.  But by getting into dialogue with people, I learned to accept however I was.  It has given me freedom.”

We continued to talk about how to use our feelings to make a difference for everyone.  Instead of hiding our negative feelings and making ourselves nuts, we can actually tell people.  Other people may be feeling the same.  We can step into the community instead of wanting to leave it.

The third person on the call hadn’t said a word.  We apologized for our rant. There was silence.

Finally she said, “I’m just glad it’s not be that’s annoyed this time.”

And we all laughed.

And the amazing thing is, I’m now looking forward to being annoyed or frustrated so I can try out my new strategies.  And that’s a miracle.

 

 

 

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Feedback Requested

18 Apr

Hey guys:

I have a project with an end date of June 12, 2017.   My goal is to have at least 25 blog entries and 50 comments by then.

I am currently at 22 blogs since February started which is way more then I thought I would have.  Technically, 4 were before the  project started, so I am at 18.  I am sure I can do at least 7 more before June 12.   And that’s a breakthrough in itself since I had written much in the  past few years and when I did, I password protected them so no one could read them.

So this is a new world.  I am having fun and going for a breakthrough in Freedom.  In the past, I was afraid to tell people about my blog for two main reasons:

  • I have always been very careful to avoid being criticized.  This seems to be putting up a large sign and asking people for criticism.
  • I have a thing about “getting it right” and frankly I don’t know enough about blogs to even know how to get this right

So what I have decided to do is let go of my fear and “wing it.”  I’ve started telling people about this so I can have a HUGE breakthrough in being free to express my real self..

And this blog is the real me.  The one I’ve hidden from the world in an attempt to be “appropriate,” “careful” and under the radar.  The few times I posted in prior years I was told “you can’t post that.”  And I took down the posts, sucked my thumb, and hid in my corner for a few years each time.

This time I am going for it.  But I would like some feedback.  Here are some questions i have:

  1.  How can I measure whether I am having a breakthrough?  By Visits?  By comments?  Views?  Follows?
  2. How do I know if people like what I’m writing or if it’s making a difference?
  3. Should I block the earlier stuff when I was still married and venting and spewing?

One woman I know read the earlier stuff and said it reminded her of her marriage.  She related to it.  So maybe I should leave it.

So here are my requests to you, reader:

  1. Please comment so I know you’ve been here and what you think.  Be gentle if you don’t like it but feedback would be great.
  2. If you understand blogs and have a suggestion for how I can measure whether people are coming, let me know.  I currently had 8 comments (2 were spam so I didn’t approve them), but my goal by yesterday was 10 so I didn’t make it.
  3. By May 1 I want to have at least 15 comments, but a breakthrough would be 25.  So, please tell your friends and please comment even if you just say, I read it.  (That would kind of be like telling me ‘oh you got your hair cut’ and not saying if you liked it, but I’ll take it for now.)
  4. Make suggestions or follow it or whatever  people do.

Thank you for reading this and  participating in my breakthrough results.  It’s really exciting (in the moments when I’m not terrified)!!!!!!

 

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Saying NO

18 Apr

Why is it so hard to say no?  I wanted to tell the guy from last Friday that I was not interested, but I couldn’t.

I said anything but no, thinking he would get the message.  But he still kept calling and texting.

“Ugh,”  I thought.  “WTF?”

And then I realized it was me. I wasn’t being clear.  I was talking around it.

So I sent him one last text.  “We don’t want the same things.  This isn’t working for me.  I’m sorry.  Thank you for your generosity.”

And I blocked him.

Why was it so hard to be straight and say NO.

On another Wisdom call, I brought up my struggle.  “We are taught that NO is bad by 2 years old.  We unlearn how to say it,”  Joyce, our wise wisdom leader said.

The Wisdom course, among many things, looks at the ages of some of our conversations.  When we get stuck at a young age, we only have the capacity of that age.

I didn’t want to be bad, mean, or hurtful to this guy.  Plus, I didn’t want him to get mad.

In “Lovable,” Suzanne tells us that if this is not resonating with what we want, then it is just not the right person.   And, I feel much better not having to deal with him.  I don’t miss him.  But a part of me does feel bad for some reason, and this week I lost different parts of my computer, hurt my hip, and couldn’t think clearly.  And I thought that God must be punishing me in some way.

But, I got clear about that last night.  I have been a “clearing” for “that I do stupid things,”  “I am bad and deserve to be punished,” and “life is hard.”  So, I am creating a new clearing as of today.

“Life is fun and easy.  I have my shit together.  I am perfect as I am.”

Things are looking good now.   I found my computer, and got the missing chord and pen back.  Plus, the car I backed into  didn’t have any damage.  So as soon as I find the notebook I use for work, I will be all set.

Thanks for listening.  I am going to post this now.  I have been reworking it since last week and I am tired of trying to “get it right.”

Getting into communication

11 Apr

Last night I was drinking wine and eating chips and I didn’t freaking care.  I didn’t know what the hell was going on with me.  I definitely wasn’t eating because I was hungry.

Today was weigh in day.  Oh well.  Down .2 which was lucky.  And, I know I would have been down more had I not been so messed up last night.

I didn’t even know why I was eating.  I didn’t even know what I was so upset about.

So today, I started talking.  It started with my work out partner.  He had made a couple of unrelated comments last week that stuck in my brain.  I had twisted them together and made them about me.  In my mind I became so wrong and bad an unlovable that today I could barely talk to him.  I started with the insults and sarcasm.  Then I stopped, remembering yesterday’s “fine, fuck you” lesson.  So I asked him about the comments.  “What did you mean?”  I asked.

One he was joking around and the other one had nothing to do with what I thought.

OK, one down.  Next was the comment from the weekend guy.  He had said “he was willing to overlook my being overweight”.  I was trying not to take it personally, which wasn’t working, and I never wanted to talk to him again.

I shared his comment at weight watchers and they asked if he was still alive.  Yes,  I said, because it was on the phone.  “I couldn’t kill him,”  I said, laughing.

It opened up a whole conversation about not getting triggered by comments and how else we could handle them.  I’m not alone in this.  I love my community there.  Our leader, Zach, is phenomenal.  He gets our struggle and never judges.  We can be free to be ourselves.  It’s the 8:00 Tuesday meeting in Norwalk.  I welcome anyone who struggles with their weight or their mind to join our community.  You might love us.

I also decided I’m tired of running from unpleasant things.  The guy and his comment were still haunting me.  So I texted him how hurt I was.  We went back and forth and got into dialogue and the charge on the whole thing went away.

Then I got on the Wisdom call.  It’s a daily call with a community of people who have participated in Landmark Worldwide’s Wisdom course.  It is a wonderful group of people exploring life.  It was hard for me to speak up today, but  I needed to get out of my head.  I told them that I was afraid of going to Passover this year because it’s the first one without my dad.

“I’m afraid of being sad,” I said.  ” I feel like I have to be alone in a room to be able to actually cry freely.  I’m afraid the sadness will hit me when I am with people, and I won’t be able to handle it,” I said.

My comments actually opened up a whole conversation about humanity, bereavement, communication, and other things.  It became rich with exploration and they thanked me for being authentic.

And I started feeling good again.  I can be sad when I’m sad.  I can ask people what they mean when I take something the wrong way.

And, my weight is my weight.  I’m a few pounds heavier then I was.  That is ok.  What I need to learn is to speak up sooner and not always blame myself when things don’t work. I don’t need to punish myself by eating and drinking.  It doesn’t really get me where I want to go.

This is a journey to discover my freedom.  I’ve never been on a trip like this before and while it’s uncomfortable sometimes, the results are worth it.  Before, I kept my mouth shut and put up with the life that being quiet gave me.

And I suffered and complained and did nothing about it.  And it sucked.

So this is the way life looks when it’s working.  I am surrounded by people that I can have these kinds of conversations with.  We are exploring life and having great lives.  And I am really grateful for it.  And I am blessed.  And I feel a whole lot better then when I woke up this morning.

Thanks for listening.

Tah

 

Fine, F— You

9 Apr

I’ve been wanting to write this one for a while.   And today is the day to write it.

I was talking to my friend, Michael, this morning.  We were discussing my dates from the weekend and he was very supportive and validating.

“Sometimes I really like you,” he said.  “But there are other times that you are very combative and that’s a different side I don’t like as much.”

I looked.  Me?  Combative?  Sweet little me?   Hmmmmmm.

“Well, I guess I do have that other side of me.  The Fine, Fuck You side.”

“What’s that about?”  he asked.

“Well, for example, when we you get another call when we’re talking and you say, “I’ll call you right back,” and you don’t.  It pisses me off.  After a few days of you not calling back, I get mad.  My attitude is “Fine, fuck you.  I don’t need your sorry ass.”  And you’re dead to me.  Done.  You are off my list of friends.  You obviously don’t care and go fuck yourself.”

“Well, why didn’t you just tell me that you didn’t like it?”  he asked.

Hmmmmm.    I thought about it.  “Well, I guess I could say “gee, Michael, you said you would call me back and you didn’t.  What’s up?”  instead.”

“That would be a little bit nicer,”  he said.

I thought some more.  Something was in the way of that.  Then he would know that I cared that he didn’t call me back.  God forbid someone should know that, I thought.  Why?  It made me want to cry for some reason.

I guess I’ve always pretended I was always fine.  Don’t let anyone know you care.  Don’t let them see “the other needy, pathetic side.”  After all, when Schizo, who told me I could just be myself, saw that other side, he ran.  Most of the time I hide that part of me.  I hate that side of me.  And, since I hate it, how could anyone else love it?  It’s all tied to my unlovable, listening equals love morass I guess.

“OK, Michael, I said.  It bothers me when you say you’ll call back and you don’t.”

“Thank you,”  he said.

And that was that.  I have so much to learn.  But, this is the new dating world.  Fun, exciting, pleasurable, right?    So it’s all good.  I can enjoy this journey (instead of hating and dreading it).

PS.  The guy from this weekend asked me to be truthful with him this morning when he called.  So after he kept talking and talking and talking I finally said that I wasn’t sure I was attracted to him.   I didn’t want to hurt his feelings but he asked for honesty.

“Well, you have extra weight on you that I overlooked,” he said.  “It’s about the person.  My ex-wife was a trophy wife.  You don’t look that good,”  he added.

“This conversation is going in the wrong direction,”  I said.  “I need to go.”

So, in the spirit of freedom, I am realizing that that’s his opinion and he was probably retaliating for being hurt by my comment.  And, I know I gained a few pounds after my dad died.  And, I would love to lose them and be the weight I was a year ago.

But, in the meantime, I am going to be like some of the heavier women I know and love myself as I am right now.  This is a new experience for me.  I am 57 years old and in damn great shape for my age.  I am not nor will I ever be a trophy wife.  And, if someone can’t love me for me, you know what I say.   “Fine, f— you.”  Kidding.  Sort of.

Have a great day.