tiredoffeelingbad

Really?  Me?  Nothing to be messed up about?  Strange…..

Ok, I’ll find something.  I finished my ten months of relationship coaching today.  And, an amazing thing…..I don’t think I had one date in that whole time.

But what I found was better…….me.

I wanted to accept myself as is……and I finally think I have.

I am fine alone in my beach front cottage.

I am fine having gained a couple of pounds.

I am fine NOT having a man.

I no longer need to convince my ex to change his mind – that is a total miracle.  I finally figured out that I needed him to change his mind about me so I could matter.  Well, why would I let someone else determine if I matter.  How ridiculous!!!!  It was very freeing to see that.

I am (still) giving up my story that relationships start out great but then the guy will suddenly shut me out/dismiss me/make me wrong.  That one still needs a little work so I don’t keep repeating it.

I can speak up now.  Even though I’m scared, I can do it.  And I have.

I can embrace my fear like an old friend.  Instead of being afraid of fear, I can just bring it with me.  Instead of letting it paralyze me, I can take actions anyway.   That is really huge.  I have pretended I have been looking for a relationship, but really, I was relieved to not run the risk of being hurt again.  I am now ready to play and be in action.

I was making a little lie wrong from when I was young.  I then attracted liars.  I have accepted it and me and I am no longer a clearing for dishonest people.  Miracle.

I am happy and at peace.  A major miracle for me.

And, I am still creating a powerful, passionate partnership with a wonderful man.  But I no longer NEED to have one to be ok.  I am patient and waiting for an extraordinary man who is also looking for me.  I don’t have anything to prove.  I am just looking to fulfill my dream.

And, I hired my coach again.  Because I can trust her to make sure I don’t settle, pretend, put up with, or give up.  She is a stand for me to have the life and relationship that inspires me.  And, it’s an investment in myself and my dreams.

And, I am looking forward to this exciting adventure!!!  GAME ON!!!!!

I have a very good friend who has been helping me.  He knows alot about me because of the type of healing that he has been doing.  And I am very grateful for everything he has done for me.

He has been learning a new technique for healing and not been charging me.

It’s great.  So what’s the problem?

He has made comments about us having sex.

And that made me uncomfortable.

And I haven’t said anything.   And it’s just like with the girl at work that I wrote about this week.  It’s like I can’t talk.

Am I’m afraid.  I’m afraid maybe I made that up.  Maybe he won’t want to be my friend anymore.  Maybe I’m too immature.  Maybe alot of things.

And I am literally frozen in terms of talking about it.

I could say, “I’m uncomfortable with this conversation.”

Or with the topic.  Or having sex without a committed relationship.  Or anything.  And why would that be bad?  Why am I afraid?

Maybe what that means about me.  Do I have a problem?  Am I uptight?

Or I could give up my disempowering conversations about myself:

I can’t trust myself.

I do stupid things.

I shouldn’t be the way I am.

And, instead I can say I am a CRAZY GENIUS AND I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I WANT AND NEED!!!  AND I’m not comfortable talking about having sex with you and would like to be able to since I’m not sure that is what I want to do.

There, I said it.  Sort of……..

And, I am going to send this by email to him once it’s posted, and see what happens!! It’s not speaking but it’s a form of communication.  And what’s the worst thing that can happen?  We will see…………….

Along time ago, when I got married in 1994, my fiancee at the time and I invented a possibility for our marriage.

Boldness, Passion and Genius.

Unprecedented Adventure,

Living the Unimaginable.

It was great for a while.  And then it disappeared for about 24 years.

What I did today, reminded me of the first line……………I’ll tell you why……….

I have had an agreement with an associate to share my bonus with her.  We were “partners” in achieving it.  She helped me and me strategized and made sure it happened.

And it was great for the first two years.  But she has since moved down south.  She comes back to work now and then, but she no longer helps me, strategizes, or seems to care whether we hit our numbers.  I haven’t felt like she is my partner for about 8 months.

But I didn’t say anything.  I shared my bonus in the 3rd quarter, and didn’t even hit what I needed to in the 4th because I was counting on her help and she was more interested in her new home.  It am responsible for the failure, and for not speaking up.

But now, it’s a new year.  And today, when I tried to engage her in how we were going to hit our numbers for this quarter, she did not offer to help or to do anything much.  We discussed the weather and that it was going to be a nice beach day tomorrow.

After we hung up, I texted her that I wanted to have a conversation about the bonus.  There was no response as there often isn’t.

So I emailed her my proposal.  That I felt that the partnership was great for two years, but that the arrangement has changed.  I no longer felt it was appropriate to share the bonus.  I asked for her feedback and told her that if she feels that we are back in partnership, to please suggest we resume the agreement.

It was bold.  It was passionate.  It was genius.  And, up to now, I have been afraid to get people upset, to get in trouble, and to alienate people that I might need.  I have not spoken up on my behalf, somehow thinking I was inferior and didn’t deserve to be treated well.

But those days are gone.  I have discovered my value.

I am proud of myself.  I did it.  And, I did it before I earned the bonus so I don’t have to share this one.

If she wants to discuss it, great.

And if she doesn’t respond, then I have a record of what I proposed.

I’m a little nervous, but it has been bothering me for a while and I hated the fact that I was too chicken to bring it up.  And, I was afraid she would get mad.

AND SHE MIGHT!!!  AND THAT’S OK!!!!  LET HER ARGUE FOR IT!!!!!

So,  BOLDNESS, PASSION AND GENIUS.  Bring it on (ALONG WITH ALL THE BODY SENSATIONS I AM EXPERIENCING RIGHT NOW)!!!!!!!

It’s the last few weeks of the quarter in my sales job.  As of last week I was on target to hit what we call in my business, FAME.  Hitting FAME qualifies me, as a manager, for a bonus.  And, each quarter that you qualify, the bonus is exponential.  And if you hit 4 FAMES and your quota, you can get a very big bonus.

Each quarter counts.  This is the first quarter of the year so it sets the tone for the rest of 2018.  And, not hitting it results in a lot less potential bonus money.

Last year, I was way behind the first quarter because my father passed away in January.  My team had a lot to make up for, but we did it.  We hit FAME quarters 1, 2 and 3.

But in the fourth quarter I missed it.  I had counted on some people that got sick or went away during that time.  In the end, I was $36,000 short.  And missed out on a big bonus.

I learned my lesson.  Don’t count on anything or anyone.  Expect the best, but have back-up plans for the unexpected.  Have a plan B, C and D in place so you are not left in the hole.

This year, I am struggling again.  A big account that we were counting on was postponed until next quarter.   I am creating my back up plans every day.  I am visualizing success and contacting all of my clients.  I am in touch with my agents and plotting out the numbers and where the premium can come from.  I am not letting my thoughts of resignation or dispair take over my brain.  I breathe at night to release the anxiety that keeps me awake.  I go over and over the numbers and see us winning in my mind.

In my workshop over the weekend, we discussed success and failure.  “The only way to fail is to stop playing.”  Focus on the game rather then winning or losing.  OK.  I am playing.  I have not given up.

Another game I play is “weight watching”.  Today at our local WW meeting, Zach, our inspiring leader, did not make it in because of the snow.

When I was walking in, I saw one of the other customers getting into her car.

“There’s no meeting,” she muttered.  She didn’t look happy.

“Come back,” I said.  “We can have our own meeting.  Where two or more are gathered,……….., it’s a meeting.”

We sat down and started talking.  Pretty soon there were five of us.  I got up and stood in front of the room.

We discussed issues that we were having and thought of possible solutions.  The half hour passed quickly.

“What are your closing words?”  Lynn asked.  Zach always has an empower quote at the end of our meetings.

“Hmmmm,”  I thought.  “Let’s see…….You all are fine just as you are.  You don’t need to be fixed.  If you don’t like something about yourself, don’t make it wrong.  Then you will be stuck.  Just choose one different action you could take this week.  And try it.  The only way to fail is to quit.  And you haven’t.  Acknowledge yourselves for just showing up!!!!!”  We gave ourselves a hand.

My daughter had come in during our “meeting.”  She is home on spring break.  She needed to get weighed to maintain her lifetime status.  She was sitting in the back of the room, watching.

“Mom, I’m proud of you,” she said when we left.

“For what?” I asked, distracted while I sipped my coffee.

“For running the meeting.  You didn’t have to do that.”

“It just seemed like the right thing to do.”  I told her about the girl that was going to leave.

“You did a great job.”

“Really?  I didn’t know if I was saying the right stuff.”

“You did.  It was great.  You could be a leader.”

I’ve thought about it.  But I never did anything about it.   Cause I made up that they didn’t make alot of money.

But I love to make a difference for people and inspire them to live their dreams.  So I will think about it.  Because it was fun.  And Haley’s words made me feel good.

And while I could get down on myself because I’m not at the numbers for work that I need yet and I’m not really happy with the number on the scale, I can still feel good if I want to.

I’m boldly playing both games AND, leading from the front.

And that to me,  means  success!!!!!

While in a workshop on Money and Success over the weekend, I had to name my biggest financial failure.

For me, it was not being able to change my ex-husband’s attitude about money.  He liked debt and I liked to save.  For 20 years I tried to tell him why I was upset and stressed out about the way he did “money ” and what would work for me.  He’s not stupid, but he just couldn’t seem to understand what I was talking about.   I didn’t know back then that I was waiting for him to change so that I could be happy.  It wasn’t a fun or powerful way to live.

At some point, I realized that he shouldn’t have to change.  And that I didn’t need to stay married to him.

We got divorced about 2.5 years ago.  And I have been able to return my finances to the way I had them when I was single and comfortable financially – saving towards retirement, money in the bank, an emergency fund, and positive cash flow.

But I couldn’t forgive myself for living my husband’s way financially for 20 years.  I felt that I should have “known better” or been able to do something other then be stressed out, always checking for negative balances, and feeling like I was drowning by the increasing debt.

Over the weekend I saw that I have been avoiding relationships for fear of making the same mistake again.  It seems a lot less painful to just be safe and comfortable and alone.  I couldn’t imagine living with that kind of stress and upset again.

“Why would you have to experience that again?”  Christine, the instructor asked.

I thought about it.  “I don’t know.  I guess I just assumed I would.  I seem to have a bad picker.”

She just looked at me.  “And why is it your failure if you couldn’t change someone who was unwilling to change?”  she asked.

A lightbulb went off for me.

“You’re right,”  I said.   “Why did I even think it was my job to change him?  And why did I marry someone who liked debt and thought so differently then I did?”

I knew the answer to that one.  I had just assumed that everyone did money like I did.  Why would anyone have debt?  In my family, you were “an idiot” if you had debt.  It was for stupid people.  And, my husband was an Ivy League graduate and a lawyer.  It never occurred to me that he would have a different set of values about money.  He was an intelligent man.

“We were just playing different games,”  I said.  “He played the spend what you want and accumulate debt and I was trying to play save for the future.”

I had failed to identify the games before I got married.  And then I tried to change him so that he was playing my game instead of his.

Well, wouldn’t it be easier to start with someone who is playing the same game?  Who wants the same kind of relationship and partnership as I do?  What a concept?  That I could enjoy the relationship instead of suffer over it.

I have forgiven myself for my failed attempts to change my ex.  And, realized that leaving him may have been one of my best successes ever!!!!

What a new world I have created!!!  I am very excited for what the future holds.  And that’s a miracle.  Because just a few days ago I was suffering over my stupidity, upset and craziness.  Now I am embracing them and the fact that I am a GENIUS for doing something so smart!!!!!

Who knew?

I have been afraid to play full out.  I’ve been afraid of just about everything.  I’m afraid to get in trouble.  Afraid of getting criticized.  Afraid to make a mistake.  Afraid of getting it wrong.

Well, the gig is up.  I just finished two weekends of transformational courses.  I saw that I am “the rattlesnake.”  I have made myself wrong for many, many, many years.  It prevented me from seeing any good in myself and not allowing myself to really be happy.

I would say the following:  How could I say I have a great life?  What if things change tomorrow?  What if they find out I don’t have my shit together?  What if people know I’m messy?  What if someone finds out I am pathetic and needy and need reassurance?

No one could love that.  I don’t even like myself.  I had to keep it hidden and when I let it out, I got anxious and insecure and stressed out.

Well, those days are gone.  I was afraid that I really was just crazy.  Something really wrong with me.  Sure I annoyed people.  Sure no one wanted to listen to me.  I was afraid if I was upset, etc.

I’m not going to try to get rid of those thoughts.  But I am going to just write them down.  AND, I am going to dial up what I’m afraid of .  I’m going to own my craziness.  Yes, I’m crazy but it’s a wonderful crazy.  I love people and want to do great things in the world.  I have BOLD IDEAS and BIG AMBITIONS.   But I have let fear and doubt stop me from staying in action.

So I am declaring a moratorium on BEING CAREFUL!!!  I am going to make messes and get into trouble by being bold, self expressed and IN ACTION!!!!!

And, even as I type this I am wondering if it will last.  And maybe I’ll forget.  But I can return to it and just keep going instead of making my inactivity wrong.

So, there it is, world.  Who wants to play with me?