tiredoffeelingbad

I think I found “the Secret.”

To having an amazing life.

I really do.

Are you ready?

Here is what it is:

• Be present in the moment (really be here right now)
• Be authentic (what is true for you without filtering or worrying about the impact)
• Listen to others powerfully (as if they are great)

I’ve tried it and it’s really powerful, great, exciting, etc.

And then in the next moment I forget.  I start worrying about whatever it is I just said or did.  And it’s gone.

But in the moment of being present, life is magical.

And, it disappears in an instant.  Identity and worry come slamming back.

So, it’s not easy to do this.  Our brains are not conditioned for it.  But it’s possible.

And, I am writing this instead of what I thought I would be doing.  I was going to be reading through my book so that I can send it to a proof reader.   And then get it published.  That is exciting.  And if I am present, I am excited.  But if I think about it, the excitement is replace with worry:

• why do I think I can publish a book?
• it probably sucks
• people will get mad
• I’ll spend alot of money and not make any
• I don’t know what I’m doing
• I should be writing book 2 already
• Why am I wasting time writing a blog
• etc.

But if I’m just in the moment, I can just schedule a time to read through my book.  No big deal.  And do what I need to do.

If I’m in my head, I might as well just go to sleep and forget all about it.  It is too stressful and exhausting in there.

So which looks more fun?   I know my answer.

I’ve wanted to write about these for a long time.  And, I only usually think about it when I am using a toilet that has fun.

So, I’m finally remembering to do this since I’m in the airport, just had the pleasure of the flusher, and have some time before my flight.  Here goes………..

Who invented these?  What was the purpose?

I’m thinking because some people forget to flush………..

Well, how many people actually forget to flush?

What happens if the power is out?  Does flushing still occur?

How did whoever sold these things can so much buy in?  How did so many places convert?  What was wrong with having to press a lever?

These are questions I wonder.  But my main “beef” is the timing of the flush.  Sometimes it flushes when you are still sitting on the toilet.  And that is really disgusting.  I don’t know why it happens, but for obvious reasons, it makes me hate the person who invented the damn thing.

I guess it’s like a bide only in the toilet’s case the water is not clean.  And, I reiterate, it’s really, really gross when it happens.

Maybe the inventor assumed that people did their business and then always got up right away before the flushing would happen.  But sometimes that’s not the case for me.    Either I’m distracted by my phone and forget where I am, or things just take a little longer sometimes.

So who’s idea was it to have it flush while the person is still sitting?  It’s really, really, really  gross.  And, I’ve not really ever mentioned it to people because I usually forget my annoyance as soon as I exit the ladies room.

So, I am finally COMPLAINING.  I HATE THE AUTOMATIC FLUSHER.  IT WAS A REALLY BAD OK.

OK, I feel better now.

Thank you for listening.

“Do you think your head is not aligned with your heart?” Kayla had asked during our conversation yesterday.

I thought about it.  “Hmmm.  Good question……..It’s definitely not.”  I told her about my last relationship.  I could see once I started talking, that my heart and head were definitely not in sync.  I had tried to pretend I was over him, but obviously I still had some work to do.

And even though he isn’t suitable for the long term and I am much better off without him, there was something about the way we were together that I really miss.  I liked thinking he had my back and I could talk to him when things were tough.  I loved thinking I had a go to person in my life and that I wasn’t on my own.  And, even though that part of the relationship ended a while ago, I still miss it.

Even though my head knows it’s for the best, my heart is still sad.  And I feel like I should be SO over this.  What is wrong with me I think that I can’t move on?  What a loser I am.

And so I make myself wrong for missing him, and that just jams down all these unexpressed feelings.  I end up feeling bad for feeling bad.  My favorite vicious cycle (kidding – it sucks).

So if I can just accept how I am feeling, I can have it be ok to be sad.

And today, I was a blob again.  But I accepted it.  I came home and took a nap.  I didn’t make it wrong.

Which is a miracle.  I don’t have to be happy and excited all the time, despite what some people say.  I’ve taken on accepting myself as I am.  If I miss that jerk, I miss that jerk.  I miss the way it was.  I miss having him.  I miss being excited to see him.  I miss knowing I was going to work out with him every day.  I miss the attraction.  I miss the laughter and having someone understand what I was saying.  I miss someone who validated my feelings and didn’t think I was crazy.  I miss someone who understood why I got upset about finances in my marriage.  And I miss his face.  I loved his face.  And, I loved the way he looked.  I miss that too.  I miss getting together with him later in the day even if it was just for an hour.  I miss being happy with him wherever we were.  I miss the way he looked at me.  I miss the way I felt when I was with him.

And, I’ve never admitted all that.  I thought I was wrong for missing him.

“Have a powerful relationship to what is so,”  someone I respected had said.  And, of course, I thought she was right and I made myself wrong.  I thought I should be over him by now.

So, today I am just sad.  It doesn’t matter why.  I just am.  And, for once, it’s ok.  I am not trying to make myself be happy.  I don’t have to for the first time in my life.  And, that makes me happy!!!!

And, if I’m honest, I’m afraid I will never have those same feelings for someone else.  I’m afraid that was my one chance and somehow I blew it.  Or that I’ll attract someone again who isn’t capable of talking to me when things get tough and one day it will be over and I won’t know why.

I guess I’m worrying about getting it right.  And I’m afraid to get it wrong.  But if I can just remember that there is no right and life is about playing the game and having fun, then maybe I can just relax.  Maybe I can just smile and listen and love people no matter how things end up.

And I can just be me.  Exactly how I am.  And stop worrying about whether it’s the way I’m supposed to be.  Cause that sucks the life out of me.  And it’s not fun.

And, tonight I am actually going out with a girl friend.  I haven’t done that in months and practically years.  So I will put a smile on my face if I want to, and just relax and talk to people.  Because I have no where to get to.  I can just be.

So, let’s get to the important question.  What will I wear?

I have been in a funk since I got back from vacation.  And, no matter what mind tricks I played on myself, I couldn’t get rid of it.

Tonight, I had a call from Kayla, an old friend who is starting a practice where she works with people on many different levels to identify their vision and bring it to life.  (I am paraphrasing, not sure if that’s how she describes it.)

I had offered to have a session with her so that I could share her work with people.

When I got on the phone, I was listless and despondent and had no energy, describing how I was stuck and felt powerless since I’ve returned to work.

Through the course of the hour, Kayla listened and asked gentle questions.

“Where would you like to be next year, on Halloween of 2018?”

In a great relationship, successful in a business I love, sharing my life with my wonderful man, money is abundant, my book is published, and I am speaking around the world promoting my book and blog.

“What would you have to do to have that happen?”

Oh, I thought.  Shit.  I remembered just a few weeks ago in Canada that I gave up trying to get it right, trying to get loved, and being afraid.  I forgot all about that.  The burden, heaviness and frustration had come back since then in full force.

“I would have to give up my struggle.  Be present.  Spread joy.  Flirt.  Be of service,”  I finally said.

I felt lighter.  My shoulders lifted.  I could breathe again.  I felt the burden of the world slide off my head.

“Wow,”  I told Kayla.  “I feel free again.  And I knew all that already.  It had just disappeared.”

“How are you going to keep it in existence in your life?”

“Good question.  It already comes up on my phone every morning.  It just doesn’t do anything for me.”  I changed the words around on the morning message.  “OK that might work better.  I will continue to answer that question.”

We talked for a while and I thanked her.  Kayla really has a gift for listening and empowering.  I wish her the very best and will continue to learn how to live in the middle of love, health, happiness and full-self expression.  It’s a lot easier then trying to get it right so I could be loved.   I already am.  I just forgot.

Thank you Kayla for a priceless gift.