tiredoffeelingbad

6-27-12

I am at Starbucks.  Sybil is getting braces and so it wasn’t worth going home.  We were supposed to have a meeting but it cancelled for the second day in a row. 

Sybil had 10 friends over last night and she told me about it an hour before.  Jack is making comments that make he feel bad.  An associate is coming here in ten minutes.  I need more premium for one associate in order to hit my number and everything is not happening.

This is God’s test.  How much little minutaie can you take without losing your shit all together?  FB has not been at the gym since Saturday and it is now Wednesday.  Where the fuck is he?   It’s probably better – all I have is my fantasy to fuel me.  No reality to rear it’s ugly head.

Nora Ephraim died.  I didn’t realize she wrote When Harry Met Sally AND Sleepless in Seattle AND You’ve Got Mail.  All the good ones.  Oh well. 

So, I am completely frazzled about these freaking numbers.  Let me go check if the computer responded.   OK, never mind, the whole thing shut down since internet freaking explorer was not freaking working. 

Well, I will type while I can until the girl comes.  She was down in freaking Alabama and is so new that it’s amazing she got anything through. 

My regional was looking at me the other day and said “patience.  You don’t have any patience.  Translated in Patty speak:  You are so fucked up I can’t work with you.  You are a nut case.

Liz was acting like I was a wimp today when I only wanted to do one minute of planks.  Come on, she says.  I am working on my beautilicious body.  Translated in Patty speak:  You are a Fat, Lazy Ass hole, but I want to Look Good.

Then I went to the locker room and saw my stomach hanging over my pants.  Fuck.  If I had known, I would have been holding it in.   Patty says:  You actually think you look good, you fucking fat loser.  You are a fat joke.

Last night I was on Jack’s complete case because he doesn’t fucking close the screen doors when he comes in the house.  We live on top of a marsh and there are mosquitos and bugs everywhere.  “I was waiting for you to come out or in.”  Patty is yelling:  Don’t fucking wait for me.  Meanwhile 18 bugs have come in.

Let’s now get to his chewing.  When I am trying not to eat chips, he comes in crunching as loud as a loud clap of thunder right in my ear.  I want to rip his fucking head off.  I sit there trying not to be bitchy, but with each fucking bite my irritation grows bigger and bigger and meaner and meaner.  Finally PATTY yells:  If you keep chewing this loud, you will end up a eunoch.  (sp)    

The chewing and the slurping and the noises – even the way he enunciates – make me see red.  I want to scream.

Today Sybil was a bitch on wheels.  She blames me for not doing the braces sooner.  If I had, she wouldn’t be in pain now.  OK, she’s right, but…….am I going to have to hear this for the next 18 months?  I was fighting with her this morning and yelling at the top of my lungs.  The boys were just staying out of the way of two female monsters. 

Chad is nice.  He rubs my shoulders after an extremely harsh interaction.  Now this woman is getting late.  I am waiting to use the bathroom so I don’t have to bring my computer into the freaking ladies room and I am getting to the point of pain here. 

Well, I am starting to feel better.  More coffee is not a good idea, I think.  How come the bathroom is always empty except when I wanted to go there was some guy in there for 45 minutes?  I really didn’t want to go in there after him at all.

There is a retired fireman at the gym who comes later who is very nice.  I used to be scared of him, but now he is actually quite interesting to talk to.  He was telling me about what a “whore” he was until he met his wife.  So, I asked him about it.  He said it was before AIDS and most diseases.  Interesting.  AND, he is not a condom guy, but he came out unscathed. 

So, alot in my brain and when I don’t vent, I just get stuck in my mind.  I need to vent to stay healthy, or I just keep it in and blow.  I need to hit this number so I better get back to work.  I am afraid the woman will finally get here and 1.  I will be sitting in a puddle of pee and 2.  She will see what I am writing.  I don’t know which is worse.  I think I better risk leaving the computer and just freaking go.

I am too uncomfortable to type anymore.  Gotta go.  Literally .  Not editting.  Thanks for listening.

6-23-12

Today at the gym I realized that – OK – hold on – I had typed a whole post and it has disappeared.  I guess I needed another shot at it.  I was uploading something for work and the computer must have crashed it.  Oy vay.

It is really hot out here.  I am just saying….I could go in, but I love the sun.  Back to work.  See you soon

OK, I am back.  I have to drive the kids somewhere.    Gotta get out of my sweaty bathing suit.  More later hopefully.

I’m back again….Jack just left to run to the library.  My brother, Joe, was here for about an hour, down from the north.  Very mellow visit.  He is going to Israel with the rest of the family for the Bat Mitzvah in one week.  I am home with Dad.  I am very nervous.  Joe said that Dad fell today and got all scraped up.  They are buying him, “I fell and I can’t get up.”  He is putting it together for him.  Oy vay.  It makes me nervous.

I am nervous about a lot of things – hitting my number this week, being responsible for Dad, having Jack read this, the ants all over the house bug me – hahahah – paying the bills – I mean, not anxious, I do not need drugs, thank you very much therapist, I just need to get present and stop worrying.  I used to have an exercise, let’s take the worst case scenario :

– I don’t hit the number, we sell the house, Dad – no I can’t go there, …..never mind, can’t do it right now……,

I am in a worry zone.  I will help myself. 

Next topic – gym activity:

Today at the gym I spoke to FB, SM, and DH.  SM played me his music which was very nice.  It was a nice conversation.  DH was his usual jerky self which was fun, yet annoying.

I approached FB and told him my next idea for a career.  Based on his craziness yesteryday, I thought he could coach teenagers similarly to  the people that the lacrosse team had.  He didn’t really get it.  It was like he was telling me to go work it out for him – excuse me – I am not your slave, dude, or your fucking geisha girl to follow you around. 

He really wasn’t getting what I was saying the attention and excitement that I had.  Even worse, during the conversation I was following him and he went to an area with all my guys.  So I was trying to have the conversation but it got lost in the crowd and I ended up feeling  like an idiot.   I walked away with one of my friends, never to go back.

What am I doing?  Why do I do this?  I did it with DH and SM.  Tried to give them ideas for careers.  It’s a pattern.  I think about it and get all excited and they don’t even give a shit.  To me, I guess I like to brainstorm.  It’s fun, but to them, they just aren’t in it with me.

I realized that I am always talking to him.  He doesn’t seek me out.  I am tired of chasing him around to talk to him.  It is dumb.  I was going to freaking ask him if he wanted to train for a tri-athlon with me.  Glad I didn’t.

I don’t know why I do this.  I am trying to be nice to Jack.  I realized that when he doesn’t listen to me or acts like I am bothering him, then I want to go away.  I want to find someone else.   Today I am glad I have Jack since I felt stupid after my interaction with FB.  What the fuck is wrong with me?  I guess it’s the old “no one can love me” so I feel it in every interaction where someone isn’t fawning over me or listening.  It is a hard way to live.  I go hot and cold very easily. 

I was trying to explain to Jack how there are certain things where I “feel” happiness – I will call it being on the “right”:

– making people smile

–  making people laugh

– acknowledging people

– working out

– reading

– empowering someone

– spending time with my children when we are getting along – the fighting is the opposite

– being listened to

– when someone is happy to see me

So, other times I am on the “left”. 

– worried about things – money, what I said, did I do something wrong, doubting myself

– afraid of things –

– confused over “what to do”

– when someone says something that I misinterpret

It is not a joyous, empowered life on the left.  It is a dead life. 

I want to bring more of the right into my life.  I want to do something that makes a difference for people.  I don’t know what that is.  One day at a time.

For example, I don’t feel passion with Jack.  I don’t feel excitement or fun with me, but, still, it is nice knowing someone is here.  Do I leave to find passion with the certainty?  Do I just try to feel better within this marriage since I made a commitment? 

This is terrible to admit, but part of me feels disloyal to my crushes if I enjoy being with Jack.  It’s like if they saw me with him they would know I’m not available.  Duh.  They already know.  I don’t even think they like me.  So, what the fuck am I worried about them for?  It is really odd, isn’t it, but it’s true. 

FB no sooner thinks about me than he does to eat cheese on the moon.  Why am I bending over backwards thinking up careers for him?  Why am I worried about him going crazy?  I feel like a dumb ass for chasing him around today, although it ended me up in my gang of guys.  I would rather hang out with guys than girls sometimes, but I think I annoy them.  I think with girls I am not invited, and with guys, they would rather be alone.  What does that say about me?

Dumb ass.  FB didn’t even remember what he said.  I just told him he was talking so crazy that I thought he could take that passion to the teenagers.  He has served for over 30 years just like the military.  He just wasn’t following my thoughts and there were too many people around.

One thing that he does, though, is that he had to do ten reps or he is a “pussy.”  I used to play those games with myself.  Interesting.   Well, I have no answers.  I have no plans.  This all just puts me to sleep.  It is very hot out.  Maybe I will take a little nap now that no one is bothering me.

So, Jack, if you are reading this it is at your own risk.  I am just trying to work things out so I am not a dead person.  I have alot in my mind that I am trying to get out so I can be free of myself.  I don’t want to be single.  I just want a passionate, fulfilled life.  I don’t know why I can’t be open with you, but….I know that I closed myself off when you ignored me and insulted me for so long.  I was just trying to protect myself.    I don’t know if I can be open again.   I am doing my best.   That’s all I can say.  I have to try to love myself and try to be loved.  For some reason that is not easy.   I am just being honest.  If I can’t love myself, I probably can’t be loved.  I will never be secure enough to give myself freely to someone.  I take every little thing personally.  It’s the way I am right now.  It’s automatic that it means someone doesn’t like me.

If I know the person well enough I can ask them.  I have liked my fantasy life since it is safe and in my head.  I don’t know if I can give it up.  I suppose it doesn’t matter who is the person since it is not real anyway.  I could call the fantasy person anything.  It’s when I take it to the person and talk to them like I do in my head that I realize I am slightly out of control and I feel really stupid like today. 

Well, I am tired and I think I will go lie down.  Thanks for listening.  I am not editting.  I just need to close my eyes for a minute.

6-22-12

Friday Night and I ain’t got nobody.  I am beginning to think I have a problem.  I am home alone again, but not really , Chad is here with his friends.  Jack is out reffing and Sybil is out with her friends.  Where are my friends?

I guess I am happy at home, drinking my wine, typing on my computer and getting ready to go to bed so I can get up and go to the gym. 

Today I had the weirdest conversation with FB.  It was like he was really crazy.  I told him I was in a funk and he said, WHAT?  And I repeated it.  He got this manic look in his eyes and said very passionately and strangely as if he wasn’t talking to me:

– If you need more money, MAKE IT!!  If you are in a bad relationship, FIX IT.  I can’t remember what else, but it was like 3 more things……….He had this wild look about him and it actually motivated me to snap out of my funk.  I was just mezmerized by him.

Then I asked him how he was, and he put the L on his forehead and said, “I am a loser.”  I said, ” No you are not.”  AND he said, “I’m a loser.” and I told him to get back here and I would kick him in the ass.  He was already walking away with his bag.  I know his schedule.  I have been coming in later because I don’t have to get back for the bus anymore so I miss him most of the time.  BUT,………that’s ok.  Sometimes he isn’t even there.  I don’t know how late he comes, but…..I haven’t seen him every day like last week.

Whenever I have a whole conversaton for him I don’t see him or I don’t get the opportunity.  Oh well.  God is protecting me from making a fool out of myself, I guess.   I still “love” him and envision us as True Loves and spending the rest of our lives together.

Funny, isn’t it, that I felt this way about DH last year for no apparent reason other than my fantasy mind.  FB has given me no encouragement except to say I am a good friend for listening to him and that was a couple of weeks ago.  He is in the phase of basically ignoring me.  It seems that when these ass holes get close, they then pull away.  It could be weeks before we have a conversation…..And, silly me, thinks that is TRUE LOVE.  Whatever, I guess.  I am kind of stupid.  BUT, I am married as Frondy says on Saturday Night Live.  And, as sucky as my marriage is, it keeps me safe from rejection.  Who can reject me?  I am safe and bored and unhappy, but no one can really hurt me.

That is stupid.  Not to risk is not to live, but I actually have no reason to think that he thinks anything about me except in my fucked up mind.  AND, he is an ex-junky and has a dog.  I don’t really mind the ex-junky, it’s the dog and the fact that he would never be home that I would mind.  Plus, that he doesn’t drink so what does one do which is a sad statement.  On the other hand, it would probably be healthier for me NOT to drink as much or at all.  I might lose some fucking weightage.

I don’t know what happened last August to make me stop losing weight.  I think it was that I was so close and so I got focussed on the pounds.   My whole life got wrapped up in the pounds instead of just doing the right thing.  Well, I think I have lost doing the right thing as I drink my third glass of wine.  For dinner I had carrots, snap peas, hummus and chips.   Do I win the healthy award or the Fat Alcoholic Award?  Let’s go with the FAA!!!!  YEAH!!!  Come over here and win your prize, missy……

Stuey the girl taught me our Loser handshake again today.  It is good.  It was brought on by FB’s LOSER pronouncement.  Why do I even like him?  I think because he is crazy like me.  Driven, passionate, hard on himself, and authentic.  He speaks the truth.  He doesn’t tolerate bull shit.  I have a new career for him. 

It’s funny because I see such similarities with last year’s stalking of DH.  I call DH “Sunshine”.   I knew his schedule and moved my routine accordingly.   I knew DH’s cars and where he parked, but I don’t know FB’s car at all.  I have never seen him get out of one or into one, not for lack of trying to see.  I think he drives away underneath the overhanging parking lot.  What else?  Oh, with DH I knew if his car was there because I knew where he parked.  With FB I know whether his bag is there or not.  Only once did he not have his bag.  I was not stalking him at all and he came and stretched with me.  That was the day he told me his secret and it was awesome.

My love language is sharing.  If I can speak and be heard and if someone shares with me.  I am feeling the love.  When FB has done that, it works.  Lately he hasn’t and I feel unloved. 

Forget Jack.  He can’t listen.  All he does is lecture, conjecture and philophosize.  It is not interesting to me.  I like to talk about feelings and people and such.  He does not.  I guess we don’t have much to talk about.  It is kind of sad, but oh well.  I am safe from rejection.  What if I was available and so in love with FB and he never made a move, or worse, he pursued me and once conquered, I was attached and he was done.

Marriage keeps me safe, sorry to say.  A sad, but truthful admission.

I think no one will ever read this.  I haven’t read the how to’s or instruction book.  I would rather read a story than an instruction manual.  Maybe one day when I have a real reason.   These little journals help me to express myself and don’t bore the listener since they are all about ME, ME, ME!!!!

Since no one is reading them, I don’t need to edit them or figure out what I am REALLY trying to say. 

Right now I am reading a bunch of books by Kristen Hannah.  They are good books about different life situations, but some are hard topics and make me a little crazy.  I think I will go read now rather than do Quickbooks or try to edit this.

Thanks for understanding.  What should I name this?  OK, got it.  Thanks also for listening.

I moved to the front of the gym

6-19-12 Second entry

I remember why I strayed the first time.  I am alone in the house on a beautiful night.  Sybil is at a party.  I haven’t heard from her and she was supposed to let me know when she got there.  Is she alive?  I hope so.

Jack and Chad went to hockey.  They ran out of here without a consideration about me.  My first thought was…….I am alone, too bad it is over with SM.  Too bad I don’t even know FB’s number.  It’s not that I want sex with them, it is that I want someone to care about me.  Someone to want to do things with.  Having someone home on the computer or watching tv is not my idea of sharing a life.

Last night I slept on the couch.  I couldn’t sleep because Jack was kicking me in his dream and making all sorts of noises.  Then FB wasn’t at the gym.  It made me sad.  When I went back DH was there and it was sort of like old times, but I didn’t even feel like talking to him.

The thing about FB is his eyes.  I feel like there is a soul there that is real.  That we could talk, but, in reality, he talks and I listen.  I am ok with listening, but I want to find somebody that is actually interested in what I have to say.  There is a guy from high school who is coming now.  He said that whenever he comes, I am there.  Is that a bad thing?  I don’t think I’m always there.  Am I overexercising?  Probably.

I am really pissed about weight watchers, but I suppose if I didn’t drink so much I might lose weight.  BUT, you would think that the exercise would counteract it.  Guess not. 

Oh,  who the fuck cares about the scale anyway?  I am what I am and I am on my second glass of wine.  I have switched from beer since my corona lights are 4 points.  That really pisses me off but it is saving me a lot of money.

I feel like a fat old boring loser who has no friends and nothing to do.  I am here in the dark drinking my wine in my very large birthday glass.  Sarah called to ask about the spam that my email sent out without my knowledge.  I guess she is only concerned about her computer.  Thanks for asking about me, bitch.  Just kidding.  She is a little bit of a worry wart.

I want to go to bed but I think I should find out what Sybil is doing.  I feel bad, but don’t know what to do.  I am really tired.  The 4:30’s have caught up to me.  Tomorrow I don’t have to leave for the school bus.  I can get there early.  I need to leave about 7:15 and I only have cardio, abs and some extraneous machines like the sex machine – ad and abductor.  Planking is 15 minutes, cardio for an hour if my leg can handle it, extraneous plus abs could be 15, that is an hour and a half.  Add in 15 minutes for talking and if I get there at 5:30 I would be good.  Wow, an extra 40 minutes of sleep.

I can sleep on the way to New York tomorrow.  Then I can avoid talking to Jack.  My hormones must be kicking in.  I feel absolutely miserable.  I don’t know if I got my period in Jamaica.  I was cramping and very lightly spotting, but never got it.  SO, am I expecting it or not?  I don’t know but things look awfully bleak.  I guess I feel that I have no right to be cranky given the life that FB leads, but that is not helping me. 

Ok – so how am I really feeling………IRRELEVANT.  That everyone can leave without thinking about me.  TOTALLY irrelevant.  FB had said that he would call home when he was working when one of his girlfriends lived there and he would be totally crazy that she would be out.  If I was out, Jack wouldn’t even notice or care.

I want to be noticed and cared for.  I want someone to say, hey, don’t you need to take care of your leg?  Why are you so sunburned?  Why are you drinking so much?  Why?  I guess I just want someone who is aware of me.  Someone who notices and cares.

Why am I married?  Because I am afraid not to be.  Why do I exercise?  Because it is something that I can do that I enjoy and makes me feel good.  Why do I drink?  Because it numbs me.

Why would I want someone to come over?  So I could pretend to be loved and cared about at least for a short time.  It would really not just be for the sex if at all.  I wish FB could hang here with me so he knows what I am talking about when I say my deck.  I love my deck.  It is absolutely a peaceful place to be.

Well, I am going up to read and sleep.  I pray that Sybil is ok and that she will let me know where she is.  I am not going to have this go on all summer.  No way.

Thanks for listening.  I am not editting anymore.  It is too hard and not fun.

6-19-12

I have a half hour until I have to take Sybil and her friend to cheerleading.  I went to weight watchers and I am trying to focus on the good, but I still am frustrated and want to either cry or scream.  I freaking stayed the same.  How can that be?  I stopped drinking my corona lights and everything.  On any day except freaking Tuesday, I am two pounds lower.  On Tuesdays, the scale jumps up.

Now, since I went to Jamaica where we had unlimited food and drink, my birthday, and Father’s Day, I am only up one pound.  Is that good or should I commit seppukku?  I am not sure.  I am trying to stay positive, but…….since last August I am up five freaking pounds.  The leader was saying she lost 35 pounds slow – IN ONE YEAR!!!!

I am more than two years and stuck at 25.4 pounds.  Compared to the people that gained their weight back it is good.  Compared to where I was it is good.  BUT, compared to where I want to be it has gone in the wrong direction. 

[I am really tired right now and want to close my eyes but I will keep going…..]

My right leg sometimes gives me a sharp pain like the muscle of the calf is messed up.    I went to the gym early, came home to see Sybil for her last day of school, and then went back to the gym.  I am feeling a little like an ass hole.  i am doing stupid things in my mind – staying in the sun without sunscreen and overexercising.  I am addicted to the gym.  I have to say.  I am also addicted to my “love” fantasies.  I realize it is the feeling of being in love with someone who loves you back (if only in my mind) that gives me a high.

FB was not there today.  That’s really why I went back, but he was not there later either.  I don’t know if I left too early or if he skipped a day.    Makes me think I have to get over him for some reason, but I don’t know why.

I was wondering why I can’t have this fantasy about being in love with Jack.  I really don’t want to.  I think I know him too well and there are too many things that bug me.  It is an interesting question.  Why can’t I have a real life fantasy with someone I am already legally bound to?  I don’t know.  I am not attracted to him anymore.  I turned that off when he was not interested in sex with me for so many years.  I used to be.  It just hurt too much to have someone SO NOT INTERESTED.  Now we realize it was his low testerone that affected his libido.  H e just wasn’t interested in girls I think.  Or so he says.  He was like a dead man.

But, I don’t think he is funny, sometimes he’s not nice, he’s retarded (excuse me on the spectrum) about money, and I think he talks to much and doesn’t listen.  Are these real reasons?  I don’t know, but I will think about it.  For now, I need to close my eyes before I have to drive.  I will write more later.

6-18-12

At home making resume calls.  I am out on my deck in the nice cool summer weather.   I am really thinking of FB today for some reason.  I guess because he shared himself yesterday.  Today I told him that I couldn’t stop thinking about that family.  He said, I wouldn’t believe the things they see – decapitations, etc.   I said I really didn’t want to believe that but I didn’t say why.  I guess because it is so sad and gross and hard to imagine having to witness.

After that I went into my class and he was outside but to me it seemed like he was watching me.  Probably in my head, like it was with DH, but, it my mind it is enough to fuel an entier future together with True Love.    What the _________ is wrong with me?  I guess I have read too many books with happy endings, but I’ll tell you, it sure beats the shit out of reality.   In my fantasy, there are no bills, no problems, and a guy who is hot who truly loves me.  It is perfect.

So, why shouldn’t I think about him?  Why deal with real life?   I’ve got numbers to hit, bills to pay with no money. people to help that I am not helping, a potential situation where I could get fired.  and a husband who wants to make it work but ignored me for so long that I don’t know if I can trust him again.

The weirdest thing  just happened.  There was a black bird that was really close to me for a long time.    I think it was the little girl that died last year.  I was talking to it and it came really close.  I know it sounds crazy, but that is my instincts.  I don’t know if I should tell the mother.  She might just think I’m crazy.   I’ll sleep on it and see if he/she hangs around.  The bird was here yesterday.  For all I know it could have baby eggs on our roof.  Who knows?  BUT, I started crying when I was talking to the bird.  Is that weird?  I don’t know.

Anyway, even though my legs hurt, I want to go back for step tonight.  I am really close to knowing this routine and it makes it really fun.  It is a little crazy, but I want to do it anyway.  I better sign off.

I will be thinking of my “true love” the whole time.  It beats reality as I say, and if he doesn’t really feel that way, it kind of doesn’t matter.  I am safe in my own little world.  Much better than having to really deal with them, like with SM.  That was torture.  This is all good!!!!!

Thanks for listening.  More later if I have time.

6-16-12

Father”s Day – Had a great time with my Dad.  It pains me to watch him walk.  He looks so old.  I know I am lucky to have him but it freaks me out that he could die at any time ( I guess any of us could, really).  He has been through his third kind of cancer and the treatments have, frankly, ruined his hearing and his body, but…..we are lucky that he is still here.  I know that but at the same time, it rips my heart out.

I know I am lucky – my mom is amazing and my dad is still here.  I wrote a poem for my dad and for Jack.  The one for my dad was very much appreciated.  The one for Jack was about him being a father – I did not say what I couldn’t. Anything about him being a husband.  I just couldn’t go there.  He said something about evidence after I read it and it pissed me off.  I don’t know what he meant.  I mean, if we are getting divorced?   If so, why am I putting all my business in his name?  For a contest we won’t win?  Fucking win it yourself ass hole.  Why am I giving it to him?

I guess because I am either stupid or nice or both.

Meanwhile, I had a great time at the gym,.  Did my two Sunday classes.  Sweated like a pig.  DH was outside wandering.  Fuck him.  I didn’t even look at him.  AND, I told SM I wouldn’t touch him after the cold bottle incident.  I didn’t wish anyone a Happy Father’s Day.  Fuck ’em all.  Can you tell I’ve been drinking?  

I really had a nice night.  My sister was here and my parents and my mother in law and my dad’s friend, Ed.  We have been hoping that Ed and Lorraine would get together.  My mother in law is Lorraine.  Ed actually insisted on driving her home.   We were thrilled.  Plus, my sister was fun.

YEAH!!  Meanwhile, FB today was in rare form today.  He had done CPR on a 60 year old dead man.  They were in town on vacation and FB is an EMT.  He said it was very tough.   The guy was dead already.  I asked what the family was doing and he said that the wife was screaming the whole time.  That really sucks.  For everyone.  He said that is why the police and fireman are fucked up.  I said, I can understand. 

I said do you need to talk to someone and he said there were people there to talk to, but that was why he was talking to me.  I said I don’t judge and that is when he said, “that is why you are a good friend.” 

OK, while I want to be a good friend, that is not all I want to be.  Why?  I ask.  I don’t want to be just a friend.  So, I guess that was a blow off.  BUT, you say, you are married, why do you care?  I don’t know, I just do.  He is my fantasy.  He needs to love me to have the fantasy work.  I love that we are “friends”, but only if we can end up together in happily ever after.  I guess it is better than just “being fucked” like SM, although, he is still friendly.

I guess I want passion, friendship, trust, and financial freedom.   I want to like the person.  I want them to love me and think I am great.  I want to love them and think they are great.   So, I’m glad he thinks I am a good friend.  I think I told that to Steve, but that’s because I won’t have sex with him.  He is a great friend and I treasure his friendship, but with FB, I want more.  Yes I am unavailable, but in my fucked up mind, it shouldn’t matter.  I can’t quite untangle that one, but it has to do with my needs and what I am not getting here and now.

I have definately had too much wine.  I just have this thing for FB, but, I had it before for DH and SM, so it’s ok.  I will move on.   I just love looking into his eyes.  He is so intense.  I love his commitment to working out.  The way he has his thing that he does.  He is disciplined and does his thing.  I was a little of the geisha girl today.   When he gets mad because he can’t find what he is looking for I leave.   We were talking about when he could stop doing CPR and he couldn’t find his piece of equipment and so I walked away.  I did what I had to do.

Then, I found him again and he was doing his exercise and I was standing over him.  He opened his eyes and looked at me.  It was kind of embarassing for me, but, I just followed him around while he talked.  I just love to hear about his life.  It is fascinating.  Oh well.  That’s how I feel right now.

When he saw me initially, he smiled.  That’s how I know he is happy to see me if only as a friend. That’s ok.  If I make someone feel good, that is a blessing.  For both of us. 

Chad had to go to a friends and I didn’t want to drive him because I had too much wine.  Jack is taking him.  He is going to sleep over.  Sybil still has school tomorrow.  She is done on Wednesday.  I don’t know what to do with them after that.  Sybil seems to be happy on the computer with her ear phones on and I don’t know what she is doing.   I just asked her – she is getting album covers for Itunes.  OK……..

One last story and I am definately not editting this.  I was on a conference call on my birthday and I could see my little sister was calling me.  I put the conference call on hold and switched to my sister.  We were talking and as we hung up and I said, Love You……Well, unbeknownst to me, she had already hung up so the “love you” came onto the conference call people.  One of the guys, said, Love You Too.  I was so embarassed that I hung up on the call.  When I called back, we all realized that we didn’t have one that week.  I shrunk with embarassment and didn’t say a word.  Very funny.

Ok – Happy Father’s Day to EVERYONE!!!  Gotta go.  Too much wine.  Hope I don’t have the spins. 

Thanks for listening.

6-16-12

I have switched to rum and I definately have a heavy hand.  My corona lights are a thing of the past.  So sad……See two blogs ago for the tragic point awareneness.

Tonight I am now eating peanuts and raisins – my favorites – I have not done any work today – I finished a book and I am half way through another.  I am definately sunburnt.  I love being tan.

I saw a guy at the gym – no FB – who was in the class ahead of me at high school – I told him he should crash our reunion like we did theirs last year – it was fun – the friendliest he has ever been.  I emailed his friend with the information. 

I told him about the work guys who were admiring mybutt – he thought they were strangers – that would not be as big of news as my work guys – one being head of our state, but how could he know that?  Anyway, he said, well I was watching your butt too.  “Yes, I say, with my hand clenching like yes.  For 53?  I rock somewhere.  My gym pants are definately a hit.  I wish I had regular clothes that rocked my butt as well.  And to think, I used to only be known for my boobs.  Times are changing.  They are ok with the right bra, but naked, well, as Joan Rivers calls them, “Flop Bags.”     No, I am sorry, it was (Kelly Lee Gifford), no……Kathy Lee Gifford who named them that in her book.  It was Joan Rivers who said she wore a “36 Long” bra.  That is still one of my favorite lines. 

I definately have a good buzz going on.  Sybil wants to do something and I am, quite frankly, ready for bed.  It is quite pathetic, but true.  I live for my workouts and not overeating and if I go to sleep I am safe.   I can read, be horizontal, no one usually bothers me, and I am not eating anymore. I have not done my points yet today since the afternoon and I’m not sure I have any left. 

Today step class was really fun.  I am getting to know the girls.  I like it.  DH was there for a while and sort of watching the class.  When I ignore him or have other interests, he pays more attention.  Fuck him.  He had his chance.  He was my destiny just a year a go.    He would get close and then remember I was married.  Well, how admirable, except he was apparently fooling around at least two times.  So, Mr. Lily White?  I don’t think so.

My fantasy with FB was getting out of control.  Today I had to remember that he has a dog.  He has issues with substances and could always go back.  I forget what else.  Hair weird without his hat.  Kind of guido.  It is just my attempt to get less attached.   He is definately my escape.  I was texting SM the other day and he definately is not a comfort.  He is always about sex, his penis, or whether he is the biggest.  I mean, really, it is fun, but do we have any depth whatsoever?

Speaking of deep, I don’t know if FB is deep either.  He seems to be a good listener, but how smart is he really?  I mean he seems it to me on some level, but I’m not sure.  He seems to have a chip on his shoulder by saying “my kind”.  Fuck you, man.  That makes me think he is low class.  I know he is a rebel.  I think that is what attracts me to him………….

Just checked points – none left.   Resigned about money but not in a bad way.  I realize that there is nothing I can do except make money.  We had a great week and it was because of an account that I set up, not JACK.  Rock on.  I had help, but who cares?  I need to bring the state guy again.  We rocked it.

I am in a little trouble in a New York account, don’t want to incriminate myself, but Jack is being very helpful.    I can’t deal with it.    Mom is talking to me right now – I am trying to pay attention.     I feel guilty writing…..let’s take a break. 

OK, I’m back.  The bottom line is that I still fantasize about FB which is good because I am over SM mostly and DH is a thing of the past, so I CAN MOVE ON!!!  I know that it helps me deal with our deal of money.  I know that Jack is basically a loyal person and takes care of me in some ways and I know that life would be harder being alone.  What I am missing is passion and a REAL sex life?  Is that so important?  I don’t know.  What he has going for him is that we are already together, we have kids and a home together and he is a known quantity.  Would FB be a good person?  I don’t really know.  I don’t know anything about him except that we couldn’t have a drink together.  I love that he shared himself with me and trusted me.  I love looking for him in the mornings at the gym.  BUT, does he even like me at all?  No clue.  It is probably all in my mind like it was with DH and SM.  I think this might be Jack.  Yes it is.  Gotta go.

I think for now I am better off staying put with crushes, but that is just this hour.  Things change rapidly in my mind.  Gotta go.  Thanks for listening.  Don’t want to get caught “writing.”     Not editting.

6-14-12

I just need to vent.  I don’t care if it doesn’t make sense.  I am about to explode. 

Yesterday we went to an account which was somebody else’s account.  I said I would give 30%.  Jack and another guy were telling me she didn’t deserve anything.   I just sent her an email telling her we were going back.  Got her email too late.  I feel like I am in the middle of many ass holes and my head feels like it is exploding.  I didn’t give her exactly 30% but I will after tomorrow. 

I hate when Jack gives me his fucking 2 cents.  He fucking wastes his time and isn’t out there making money.  I don’t feel he is a real man right now and supporting his family.  I feel like I am a loser as well. 

FB says everyone has problems.  Fuck you.  I tried to joke with SM and he wouldn’t let me put a cold bottle on his neck.  What the fuck is wrong with everyone?  I am starting to go down the tubes.  Patty is back and it feels like everything I do is fucking wrong.  I fucking hate Jack and the other guy who was fucking telling me how great he is and making it seem like I don’t know what I am doing.  It really brings me down – causes me to doubt myself.  Why should I think that everyone else is right? 

It ruins me to doubt myself.  It really does.  I am not going to listen to Jack.  He tells me not to tell the girl but then tells me that there is going to be trouble.  He is fucking lucky that I am putting stuff in his name.  If I leave him I will be screwed, and today I feel like leaving.  I want to go live in a cave.  FB has been there every morning this week. I wonder when he is working his night shifts.  He was very angry today about an old girlfriend and how he gets blamed for everything. 

It is weird.  I am so stressed right now that I better figure out what I am doing.  I am listening to the wrong ass holes.  I know what is right.  I shouldn’t ever listen to them.  Fucking Jack is “working out” at 11:00 AM.  What a fucking loser.  I hate him.  I hate him.  I hate him.  I have to make enough money to be able to be independent.  I don’t think this is the right business for me.     I just want to live in a cave and not have to talk to anyone.  FUC K THE WORLD.

I HATE EVERYONE!!  I need some vitamin B to calm me down.   Gotta go.

Later – 1:36 PM

I escaped my house before rather than let one of my associates see me.  I went to the library, returned some books, selected some others, got gas, and went to Trader Joe’s.   I made sure he was gone before I came home.  I did damage control on my issue above by telling my state and regional coordinators that my mistake was in listening to Jack and the other guy.  I have to do the right thing.  I am sorry for the continuous swearing, BUT FUCK THEM!!!

It is my fault for allowing them to mess with my head, but still, I can still be mad, right?  In the meantime I texted SM because I was messing with him and he wasn’t amused.  Of course he turned it perverted, but that’s what makes texting with him fun.

Meanwhile, FB was ranting and raving about his old girlfriend.  He had met the ex-husband of the girl, who he thought was nice.  He kept looking for him.  He said that she was on drugs, and often when he would call home, she wouldn’t be there and it drove him crazy.  Then her mother blamed him.  He “was tired of being blamed for everything.”  Take some responsibility.  That’s part of the program. 

Then, as he’s walking away, he says something about “my kind.”  I said, what are you talking about?  He said, my kind with manners and ………..  I told him to fuck off.  He smiled.  I said, here’s what kind are like – FUCK YOU ASS HOLE!!!  He started smiling.  He actually seemed happy after that so I have a whole fantasy about him.    Because of his schedule he said he needed someone he could trust.  Oh well.   Anyway, enough about me!!!  Kidding.  This is all about me because it’s MINE.  If you want it to be about you, write your own!!!

I think there’ s more.  I called my resumes and now I am out so I am giving myself a break.  Nothing I do really makes a difference anyway.   I have not had a recruit even with all these damn calls, so who cares?  Today I still have a bad attitude, but I am getting better. 

Tonight Sybil graduates from middle school.  I will be bringing my tissues even though I am currently in denial.  One of her friends died tragically last summer and I just realized her mother won’t be there.  Can’t imagine the pain she must still be in.  So freaking sad.

Well, I am back to fantasizing about FB.  I had stopped for a minute or two.  Today we ellipticalled together.  I get ten minutes before he switches, usually.  Then I lost him.  I don’t know what it is – I think he is responsible, tough, manly, tells it like it is, no bullshit.  Refreshing.  Don’t tell Jack.  Jack is on my shit list right now.  I am taking the day loosely.  I have to make some calls.  I better get to it, although I may have a BOB session and quick nap before my meeting shows up.  Texting SM always gets me that way.  I just sent him question marks because he didn’t respond to my last message – it was obnoxious, but that’s me!!!!!!

6-12-12

Had my birthday yesterday.  53 years old.  My claim to fame is that the guys from work were enjoying my butt move in Jamaica.  I’ll take it.  For 53, that’s pretty damn good.

I was moving and grooving and feeling good until about 2 hours ago.  I went to weight watchers and, of course, I was up .4 pounds, but, there’s been a tragic error in my point counting.  I am actually really sad over this.  When I put my corona lights into the calculator, it came up with 1 point for every two beers, believe it or not.  No one said it wasn’t true and I have been drinking them like water.  I would drink them instead of food since they were lower in points.

Well, I haven’t lost weight since August which is about ten months.  Do you think this could be why?  I am heartbroken on many levels, not all relating to the beer.  I am just “feeling bad” so I am writing to try to get un-fucked up.  Here goes: 

– I could have been losing weight instead of torturing myself for all this time

– I am sad that my illusion is gone and I can’t drink unlimited quantities of alcohol without the illusion of thinking it won’t affect my weight

– they were going over the points in eating out – they were so high – I don’t have the money to go out anyway, so I guess I am safe, but …… will I ever be able to enjoy a dinner out?  It doesn’t seem like it.  I want someone to save me and take me away from this mess.

– I should have been smarter and figured that out – well, maybe not, but Patty is going crazy beating me up so let’s just join the bandwagon.

 – I went to Chico’s and the sale was over from the weekend from when I put the stuff on hold and the woman was very bitchy about it.  Pissed me off after the beer disappointment

– Chad has mono.  It sucks.  We are waiting for the report on his liver to see how bad it is.  Right for summer.  I just feel bad for him.  No sports.

– I think that’s it.  Let’s add in that we have no money.  Also, that my hamsprings and quads are REALLY Sore and I hate everything and everybody.

– The only one I like is FB and what is the point of that.  I hate to say that he came out of the locker room with his hair done and it was SO different from when he has on his baseball hat that I almost felt shy.  BUT, he is still my crush.  I have been talking to SM and DH and they are just friends which is a true miracle.  If I can move on from them, then Missy can move on from the guy that she is “fetal” about.  I finally had to scream at her to move on because he is not worth it.

– OK, this hasn’t helped yet.  Sorry I didn’t write when I was happy, but we were busy shopping and having a party for me.  Jack “found” the money for the party out of his hockey money so I felt like at least I was worth it for a day. 

Well, I will just feel like shit for a while I guess.  I am tired, achey, and probably need calcium.  I have to do an interview and I am dressed in shit clothes.  I don’t care right now.  I can take calcium and natural B.  Right now I could just get lost making out with FB and live in a fantasy.  Reality is:  dog, not interested, weird hair, doesn’t drink, not interested, BUT I love his ass and I really like him so which matters more, I ask? 

Does it affect how I feel about Jack?  Absolutely, but right now I don’t care.  Jack’s low testerone for all those years damaged my feelings.  What can I say?  All I wanted was for him to treat me nicely.  He is being very good now, but I am safer being withdrawn, I think.  We’ll see.  If I was nice, who knows what would happen.

I just want to go to sleep and escape, but I have to go.  I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but I don’t care.  I wish I could talk to and do FB just to pretend I have a real life.  Oh well, he doesn’t want attachments from what I can tell, and I would definatelly be attached, so better not to start.

Thanks for listening.

Me.