Today I was at the gym again. It’s a new gym in a new town so I don’t really know anyone. I had been at my old gym for years and used to walk around talking to everyone like I was in high school. I flirted and had fun and had a great time.
Until………my sort of ex boyfriend who shall be nameless changed all that. And even though I am responsible for letting him change me, I still became a different person tehn I was before.
He told me that he hated people like me. Friendly, flirty, talkative. That if I was friendly to a guy they thought I wanted to have sex with them. And, if I wanted to work out with him, I couldn’t talk to anyone.
At first I didn’t believe him. How could that be? I was just having fun being friendly . why would they think that? I couldn’t believe it. But, I liked working out with him so I decided I would do what he wanted me to.
And, just like with my ex husband before him, I let him turn me into someone other then my real self. I became a good girl, trying to please him, not talking to other guys, keeping my head down. Serious, not smiling, and definately not friendly.
And it didn’t matter that I changed, because he always got mad about something else anyway. There was no pleasing him no matter what I did.
So then why would I change myself for these guys? It’s a great question. One that I’ve been wondering about. I think I learned to be a good girl when I was small. My father was a great guy, but a couple of times he got really mad. And it was scary. So, I decided I better be good. I learned to do whatever I had to do to keep him from getting mad. It worked every time but once. I forgot to sweep the porch one day. He told me I was a lazy, selfish, good for nothing. And, until very recently, I believed that his words were true.
So the pattern was there. Be good. Do what they say. Try not to get yelled at. And do whatever I had to do to get them to love me anyway. The problem was, thought, that deep down, I thought I was unlovable. I didn’t think anyone could love the real me, so, it makes sense that I would try to be someone else, right? In a crazy sort of way. Logic doesn’t apply.
So, back to the gym today. I was there, remembering my post from yesterday. I decided to do something. “Say hi or smile at 5 people,” I decided.
So I smiled at a few people and they didn’t smile back.
Don’t give up. They probably had an ex boyfriend like me. And then the next woman smiled. I counted her. Another young guy asked if I was using the bench. “No, ” I said. And he smiled. 2.
A woman was stretching and shaking her head. I asked what was wrong. “My friends are always late,” she said. And we started a discussion.
It didn’t have to be with guys I decided. Just to get my friendliness back. 2 to go. I got on the elliptical even though I was finished. No one looked at me.
Desperate to get my last 2, on my way out, I said hi to the guy at the desk. He said hi back. I also spoke to the membership girl about a college break discount for my kids.
And then, on my way out, I asked the guy behind me if it was still cold out. “Yes,” he said. “but it’s almost spring.” So that was 6.
And, even though I almost didn’t do it, I forced myself. These weren’t noble prize winning conversations, but I still felt like a new person. I did something I didn’t want to do. It’s not like I have new friends or a date from it, but if I can say hi or smile at 5 people I don’t know every day, my life just may look different. Who knows what can happen?
But the main point is that I feel great. On a high. I guess that comes from going out of my comfort zone. Doing something different. I’m not really sure. But you can bet I will try it again tomorrow. It might even become a habit. And then, who knows what could happen?
tiredoffeelingbad 