Archive | July, 2018

Just Sad – 2 things I see

10 Jul

I have been in a funk.  I started writing about it last time.  And, it’s continued.  I figured out two things today though, so I’m think I’m on the road back to ALIVENESS.

  1.  It makes it worse when I think I can’t talk to anyone.  Getting back into communication helps me out of the funk faster.  Then why don’t I do that faster I’ve asked myself?  Good question.
    1. When I’m in a funk it seems that no one cares, I’m just crazy, I shouldn’t be the way I am, so who am I going to actually talk to anyway and who would actually want to listen to this?  I certainly don’t so why would they!!!
    2. I like to pretend I’m fine.  I make jokes putting myself down, etc.  What’s there to talk about?  “It’s all good.”  I just walk around in a fog, stay by myself, and get to sleep as early as I can.
  2.  It’s only when I can get present do I realize that I am really just sad.
    1. Sad that my daughter is across the world and every time I talk to her (facetime) I’m either trying to sleep or she’s trying to sleep.  It just doesn’t work yet and that makes me feel terrible.
    2. My dad’s birthday was Friday and he is no longer here.  It used to be a big party every year and it just doesn’t seem right without him year.  Where’d you go, Dad?  I miss you!!!!
    3. My son is away now, then coming back and then going away from September to May.  For real life.  How did that happen?
    4. I am at my mom’s right now.  My ex husband is living there too.  I feel like I’ve done something terrible to him.  He’s like a little boy and keeps looking at me like I should be changing my mind and coming back.  And I’m not going to.  And I feel bad about that.
    5. And my mind says, these are not tragedies, you have no right to be sad.  Other people have it way worse.  And so (my favorite), I feel bad for feeling bad.  The vicious cycle.
    6.  I can just be sad.  Whatever I’m feeling is fine.  I don’t need to compare myself to others (see 5) above.  That does no good.

On a more regular person note.  I’m at work.  I’m wearing flip flops because I couldn’t find my shoes in the morass of my car.  Yesterday I got a car wash (finally) and had to try to throw all my stuff in the way back.  I had to still carry 3 bags with me while it was being washed cause they wouldn’t fit.  (The guy told me to go home and empty out my car and then come back and I said no.  When you’re in sales, you live out of your car.   I might need something.   Plus I’m between homes so there’s even more stuff.)

The other thing was that I put my coffee in the cup holder this morning.  When I picked it up it was leaking all over my dress.  Luckily it is a black dress.  The culprit:  an earring in the cup holder pierced the cup.  So, my dress is soaking wet.

I will read through this once to edit and then I need to get my shoes before my boss sees my flip flops.   I’m feeling better but not going to read through this again.  ADIOS!!!!


Got a New Strategy

9 Jul

I’ve been listening to Abraham Hicks on youtube.  It’s all about the Law of Attraction, being in the vortex, connecting to source, and having the life of your dreams.

As long as you are “attracting what you want by being in a resistance free vibration,” you can have what you want.  Obviously I am paraphrasing (probably wrong), so don’t quote me, listen to the youtube recordings yourself instead.

After about a month of listening, instead of having a positive vibration, what I’ve been doing (I just noticed this weekend), is to make myself wrong for not doing this right.  (Not a positive vibration at all).   I didn’t realize I was in the shitter immediately, but I could sense something wasn’t right by how negative I was feeling.

And, I was following what I wanted up with negativity which I couldn’t seem to stop.  For example, I want true love and a fabulous relationship.  Immediately I would think all the reasons why I couldn’t have it.  If I was going to have it, I would.   The last few didn’t work out.  I’m doing this wrong.  I don’t see anyone I even want to DATE let alone be with forever, etc.  The negativity automatically popped up following my “rocket of desire” statement.  And I was in a funk knowing this was not the way I was supposed to be doing it.

Today, however, I heard something new.  All you need is 17 seconds of being grateful for anything to change your vibration.  I had to listen several times to understand what she was saying.

I tried it.  I can do that.  It’s way easier then trying  to stop my negative thoughts.

So far I’ve done it about 5 times.  I did it while walking to Dunkin Donuts to get my coffee:

  • I am grateful for the flowers
  • I am grateful for the yellow flowers
  • I am grateful for the purple flowers
  • I am grateful for the red flowers
  • I am grateful that the Dunkin donuts is within walking distance to my office
  • I am grateful that my heart beats
  • I am grateful that my legs can take me to Dunkin Donuts
  • I am grateful for my state office of AFLAC
  • I am grateful that my car can drive me places
  • I am grateful that I have a place to live
  • I am grateful that my body is strong and healthy………….

And it changes what I am focusing on.  Otherwise I am automatically focusing on the negative – I don’t see any cute guys, I haven’t made enough appointments, I look fat, I don’t know what to do with my book, I’m not doing anything worthwhile, why did my ex change from perfect man to meaner than f–k,  etc.  They are my involuntary thoughts that keep repeating in my head and they seem real.

So, I am going to try this whenever I think of it.  17 seconds isn’t that long.  It certainly can’t hurt.  Care to join me?



Don’t Even Know What to Say

7 Jul

I guess it’s all about shoulds……….

I should be happy

I should be thinner

I should have a flat stomach

My boobs should be higher

I should be grateful

I should have energy

I should be pain free

I should be in a romantic relationship fit for a fairytale

I should be wanting to go out dancing tonight

I should be full of pep

I should want to be around people

I should still be with the guy that I really loved

I should have what I want

I should know what I want

I should be asleep

I should love myself

I should love people

I should be happy………..

(I’m starting to repeat – I’m going to switch to the negatives now)

I shouldn’t look this way

I shouldn’t feel this way

I shouldn’t want to go to sleep in the middle of the day

I shouldn’t still think about the last guy I was with

I shouldn’t still be alone

I shouldn’t be annoyed

I shouldn’t feel like a big fat blob

I shouldn’t go in the sun

I shouldn’t ………….I just shouldn’t BE THIS WAY…………….

I thought getting that out would make me feel better.  It didn’t……..What else can I try?  ……….

OK – I’ll accept myself for feeling like a big, fat, tired blob

I’m supposed to be in the vortex, feeling happy and attracting what I want

Well, making myself wrong isn’t part of that deal

So, I’ll just accept that there is a gap right now.  I think what I’ll do is actually enjoy myself and take a nap somewhere.  But I don’t know where.  I am at the dunkin donuts right now where there is internet and I would probably look like I’m homeless if I put my head down on this dirty table……………………………………

I think this is a stupid blog.  Who cares?  I don’t care………yes I do.  No I don’t.

Maybe I’m just tired.  Maybe it was my dad’s birthday yesterday and he has been gone for a year and a half and that makes me sad.  Maybe my daughter just left for Australia and will be across the world for 7 months.  Maybe my son also just left for 10 days and will be gone for 9 months in a month.  Maybe I am exhausted for being annoyed with my ex husband who lives at my moms where I am living for a month.

Maybe I’m just tired……….Maybe it’s all ok……..Maybe this is the way it’s supposed to be.

Maybe this is the way life looks when it’s working……………and it’s ok to be sad.  And to not like certain things…………..ok…..thanks………….I actually feel better.  Instead of thinking I shouldn’t be this way, I’m going to stop trying to resist it and just let it be…………………..Way easier than fighting it………………………………………………yay!



My Stress Eating

6 Jul

Tonight I am going to my favorite Mexican restaurant, Viva Zapata.  I am going to meet some members of Staples, ’77, my high school class.

And, I just read the article on stress eating.  And, I know I am a stress eater.  I also am a stress drinker at times which also makes the stress eating that much worse.

I am at a point where I am ten pounds up from when I hit my low back in 2014.  I am not happy about the number, but, according to Zach, my fabulous weight watchers leader, I only really gained the last 3 pounds in the last 3 years.  I had been up 7 already before that.  That was interesting to see.  I didn’t just gain 10.  I just gained 3.  I just don’t like where I started the 3 from!!!

So, I have learned that making my body and my weight gain wrong only leads to more weight gain.  Accepting myself and loving myself is a better idea but I am not always good at this.

It’s ok to say I don’t like that I’ve gained weight.  And I have.

The only thing I can actually do in this present moment is make good choices.  Worrying about tonight and what I will do is only stressing me out.  Being afraid of gaining more weight also causes me to eat because of the stress.  Thinking I don’t know what to do also causes both fear and stress.

And, there are times when things are hard or I am upset when I turn to food without eating knowing I’m upset.  It temporarily numbs my discomfort and I am not even aware that something is wrong.  After the fact, I am mad at myself for eating, but a more useful exercise is to see what turned me to food in the first place.

Common reasons:

  • I haven’t spoken up and I am resenting the person that I didn’t speak up to – solution:  speak up
  • My ex husband has teamed up with my mother and ganged up on me- solution:  learn to speak up instead of exploding and then feeling like the ass hole/bitch
  • Things don’t go the way I planned and I am silently calling myself stupid for expecting something – solution:  accept that I can’t always have things the way I want/take a deep breath/create a better plan/take a new action instead of dwelling in my upset
  • When I drink enough to make me not care, I do mindless eating – solution:  switch to water earlier, often I keep drinking thinking it will quench my thirst and it does not
  • I will come up with more as I go – this is a good exercise so that I recognize my triggers

In the meantime,  if I can actually get present, I can live in the moment with confidence, trusting myself and knowing that I know how to lose weight, eat healthy and feel great.

And know, that for my age, I do look pretty damn good, no matter what the scale says.

Thank you for listening.  I needed that.  I can go have fun, trust myself to make healthy choices, and have a great night with my friends.  YAYAYAYAY!!!!

Stress Eating – Just read this article

6 Jul

I am copying and pasting an article I found through Aaptiv, an exercise app that I love and use almost every day.  It had a link to this article.  I am going to post this and then reflect on it in my next post.

The Science Behind Stress Eating and How to Stop

The importance of separating eating from emotions.


Stress eating can be a vicious cycle. It begins with feeling overwhelmed and ends with guilt. Somewhere in between, you’ve polished off a batch of brownies and a box of pasta (zero shame). Although this may feel satisfying at the moment, it can lead to overeating and can typically leave you feeling worse than when you began. To get to the bottom of this impulse, we spoke with Anna Baker, founder and principal nutritionist for Nutrition Journey LLC, and Carrie Dennett, M.P.H., R.D.N., C.D., owner of Nutrition by Carrie. Read on as we uncover this reaction and learn how to separate negative emotions from eating.

How can we tell when we’re stress eating?

Stress eating—or emotional eating—is the act of using food as a way to ease or suppress negative emotions, such as anxiety, boredom, sadness, and anger. Stress can be brought on by big changes and events in your life. However, most often it’s a result of everyday stressors. It can be hard to identify when it’s the latter, but it’s important that you do. Noticing when you’re eating to satisfy strong emotions, rather than to satisfy your body, is paramount.

“Mindful eating is a great way to figure out when you’re stress eating,” Baker says. “Mindfulnesshas been researched over the past few decades as a great option to reduce stress and promote health.” Ways to practice mindful eating include learning your body’s hunger signals, realizing when you’re full, eating without distractions, and asking yourself why you’re eating. “Find out if you’re you eating because you’re hungry or to satisfy emotional needs. Things to think about are: Does the hunger come on suddenly? Do you crave specific foods? Do you feel unsatisfied when you eat a ‘normal’ quantity? Is there a feeling of guilt after?” If you answer yes to most of the above, it’s possible that you’re stress eating.

How does stress eating affect us?


“The reason we stress eat is because it can be quite effective in the moment,” Dennett says. “We get that hit of dopamine, and we feel better. Of course, in the long term, this can be counterproductive because the food doesn’t help us address the deeper causes of our stress. Then, if we feel guilty for stress eating, that can further add to our stress.” Ultimately, stress eating is a way to sweep feelings of being overwhelmed, under pressure, or anxious under the rug. It can’t effectively treat the cause—it only covers it up. Leaving those emotions unresolved can take a large toll on your mental state.


Stress eating doesn’t stop at your emotions, though. It can negatively affect you physically, too. “Because the top food picks for stress eating tend to not be very nutritious, if it happens often, over time that could be an issue,” Dennett explains. Overeating unhealthy comfort foods can lead to low energy, feelings of sickness, physical discomfort, and a halt in weight loss or maintenance. “Also, when some people stress eat, they are actually bingeing, and binge eating disorder, like any eating disorder, carries significant health risks,” she adds.

Binge Eating Disorder

Binge eating disorder is actually the most common eating disorder in the United States. Two out of three people with this disorder are obese. However, you do not have to be overweight to suffer from this disorder,” Baker explains. “This disorder goes hand in hand with low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and other health issues. This is an extreme version of stress eating. It has been studied to show that there are many mental and physical health issues that come with unhealthy consumptions of calories in one sitting.” This could mean weight gain, high cholesterol, heart problemsdiabetes, and other major health conditions. Binge eating disorder—as well as any other negative relationships with food—should be brought up to your doctor or a mental health professional.

What can we do at the moment?

It may not be as easy as it sounds, but when you’re feeling stressed and crave food as a distraction, you have better options. “Reducing sources of stress is one major part of managing stress. Finding productive ways to cope with stress is the other,” Dennett tells us. “When feeling the urge to stress eat, it can help to ask, ‘What do I need right now?’ What you need isn’t a box of cookies, per se, it’s to feel calmer, which is a perfectly legitimate need!”

This goes back to the act of mindfulness and asking yourself why you’re going to eat what you’re reaching for. If it’s not true hunger but an emotional resolve, take a step back. “Then you can ask yourself what tools are at your disposal to soothe and calm yourself. You might decide that a walk, some meditation, a favorite movie, a talk with a friend, or cuddle time with a pet or partner will meet your needs. If you always reach for food when you’re stressed, you’ve formed a habit around it and may not even be considering other options,” Dennett explains.

Healthy Choices

Whether we like it or not, sometimes we’re going to choose to eat as our stress reliever. That’s completely fine! What’s important to remember here is to eat mindfully and make healthy choices. A bag of chips could fit the bill. However, carrots and hummus is a healthier and just as (if not more) satisfying option.

“[With] mindful eating techniques, you can often enjoy many foods, as the process is slowed down. The amount of time and thinking spent on each bite reduces the likelihood of overeating,” Baker says. “Otherwise, the best foods to consume are healthy alternatives that will help to reduce stress and anxiety.” She recommends foods high in vitamin B6, magnesium, and omega-3s, such as leafy greensavocados, blueberries, dark chocolate, nuts, seeds, and salmon. Raw fruits and vegetables are also delicious and full of satisfying fiber.

“The bottom line is to be mindful, be curious, and be compassionate,” Dennett advises. “Trying to stamp out stress eating will be futile—and possibly even more stressful—if you aren’t looking for more meaningful solutions that can address the root causes of stress.” Reflect on what is causing you to feel stress in the first place—maybe a toxic person, life event, or matter at work—and start there.

As always, if you’re experiencing anything mentioned above and need more help, contact your doctor or a mental health professional.


Can’t Shake This

2 Jul

I don’t think Can’t Shake This is a song, but I’m hearing it in my mind to a certain beat.  Is it “Can’t touch this?” by MC Hammer.  Who knows?  I have never been very good with the words in a song.  My kids laugh when I sing the wrong ones because I don’t even know that they are wrong.

Anyway, I need to work through something.   I have an agent on my sales team who has decided she needs to leave my team.  She went to my boss and his boss and asked for a transfer.

This is someone that I have helped, put my heart and soul into, and done whatever I could to help her be successful.

So the fact that she has thrown me under the boss without coming to me, HURTS.  I feel violated like I was robbed or someone entered my home without my permission.  And, I can’t shake it.

Saying it’s her problem, she’s not capable of communicating, etc. does not seem to help.  I guess I am just sad.

Sad that I have become “The ass hole” and there’s nothing I can do about it.  Sad that someone I cared about is unwilling to talk about this.  Just sad.

And it’s ok to be sad, I guess.  This is hard.  I don’t like to admit when things are hard.  “It should be easy,” I tell myself.

“Good riddance,”  I can say.  But that doesn’t feel right.

“F—k her,” is something else I could say.

But the point of the matter is – I feel sorry for her that she can not communicate.  That she needs to go through life thinking everyone’s against her or trying to screw her over.  But, again, it’s not my problem.  It’s the best she can do.

I can wish her the best and enjoy my quota reduction.

But that doesn’t give me peace because inside I AM resentful.  I AM BITTER!!  How dare she?  Who the hell does she think she is?  Doesn’t she know I’ve been around for ten years!!!!  I’m a team player!!!

What’s worked before when all else fails, is forgiveness.  Can I forgive her?  Can I forgive myself for whatever I did to make her want to leave?

Good question.  I will have to look at that.  So I CAN HAVE PEACE!!!!


OK – I can.  Because I hate this feeling and it doesn’t serve me!!!  So, I will take 5 minutes of anger and resentment and then forgive.

And, I will give up the story and make wrong that I have been holding onto.  I will stop talking shit about her.  And that is hard.  Because I really want to.  But I will do it so I can move on.

Give me 5 minutes of really feeling mad, though…………………

OK, I will set a timer for that.   Thank you.