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10 Comments – Getting in to Action

26 Apr

I have received ten comments on my blog.  It hit that a week after my goal.  My next milestone is five days from today.  I need 5-15 more comments.

My first response is…….oh well, guess I won’t hit it.  Who cares?

My second response is…….what are you, a resigned loser?  How can we make this happen?

My first responder says……why do you need to be a hero?  Enjoy your life.  Don’t bother people.  Just give up.

My second responder says……f—- you.  I will do it to spite you.  I can post it on my private facebook sites and ask my friends to check it out and comment.  I’m going to do it right now….

OK – I did it.  I put it a request  on one  facebook page. ( I almost gave up because the typing was minutes delayed, but I hung in there.)

I can put it on another one next.  Why not?

So, the lesson here is:  take the action anyway even if you don’t want to and you are arguing with yourself.  It’s like exercise.  You never feel worse if you do it, but you certainly torture yourself if you don’t.

Regret comes from inaction.  When I’m thinking about what I need to do and not doing it, I exhaust myself thinking about what I should be doing.  And, it makes no difference.

In sales, I’ve learned, that even if I don’t have success,but I’m in action, I can feel good about myself. Lying on my couch sleeping does not result in more appointments or sales.  I tried it yesterday.  Actually, it sort of did.  I took a little break from my calls and emails and took a nap.  When I woke up, I had a response from a client with a time to meet.

So I take that back.  Sometimes a nap is a good thing, but as a break, not as the main activity of the day.

OK – I have a call in 3 minutes.  Thanks for listening.  And, get into action and tell me about it.  How can I help you feel better about yourself and your goals?

 

 

 

Decluttering my emails

19 Apr

In my seminar Monday night, we looked at areas where we were not organized.

My emails, and the stress associated with trying to get through them each day, came to mind immediately.   I get so many emails from companies trying to sell me, educate me, or sign me up for something that by the time I am through deleting them, I rarely have the mental fortitude left to deal with the real emails.

And, knowing that I might not be getting back to a client, completing a required form, or responding to my boss, weighs on my mind all day.  It robs me of my energy and aliveness.  Just thinking about it makes me tired.

So I created an action step:  unsubscribe to at least 10 companies before our next seminar session.

Before the seminar was even over, I took out my phone and looked at my emails.  The worry started immediately.  What if I need to know what’s on sale at Chico’s?  What if Ann Taylor has a really good dress being featured?  What if I’m missing a good coupon at Bob’s?  What if I ever decide to shop at Kohl’s?   What if I want the 20% off my next book at Barnes & Noble?

I felt like I was trying to declutter my house and couldn’t make myself throw anything away.  This wasn’t even things.  I thought about it.  If I really needed a coupon or something, I could google the regular site and find what I needed.  Even if I kept getting the emails, I’d probably never find the one I needed, remember it was there, or use it before it expired.

I went to the first email.  Chico’s.  I found the unsubscribe button and clicked.  Next was the Gap.  After the first couple it got easier.  Some of them wanted a reason.  Simple – I am trying to get less emails.

So far I have taken myself off of 14 different emails.  And guess what?  This morning I could barely notice the difference.

So I’m going to keep going.  The next few are a little harder.  Do I really need to know when the Chamber of Commerce events are?  I’m not even a member.  But it’s something I probably should go to……………Well, I’m obviously not cured, but I’m a little better then I was before.  Wish me luck.

 

 

Oops – I forgot I had a Great Life

3 Apr

Finally, after 6 hours of searching, I figured out how to change my sub-title for this blog.  So I have replaced the Menopause sub-titl with “Oops – I forgot I had a Great Life………..

Today I was at the gym.  A different one than normal.  I saw a guy I knew from high school.  He was a class above me.

“How’s it going?” he asked me.

In that split second I remembered that the last time I saw him my father was still alive, but struggling.  Sadness took over my voice and all I could say was quiet  “ok.”

“Come on,” he said. “It’s a beautiful day.  Life is good.”

I was tempted to tell him about my dad, but something made me tell him instead about my plans to meet Renee, who he also knew, for breakfast.  She just moved to his neighborhood.  I tried to be upbeat as we chatted about where he lived  and how she should come visit, etc.  I smiled, pretending I was REALLY HAPPY ABOUT MY LIFE.

And I walked away thinking, “he probably thinks I am just a sad, pathetic, negative phony jerk.”   My good feeling from my work out had disappeared after our conversation, with me wondering what was wrong with me that I couldn’t just be upbeat and happy all the time like him.

I told Renee about it and she said, “if you tell people about your Dad, they will have more freedom around the sadness.  It changes everything.  You don’t have to pretend to be happy.”

Oh, I thought.  Well I could try that instead.  Would be easier.

Later today, while on my deck, in the sun, I was reading a book called the Charisma Myth.  It was talking about that exact thing.  How if we can prevent, identify or address the internal discomforts that cause our faces and bodies to display negative body language, we can minimize how it affects others.  People can sense when we have a negative thought, physical discomfort, or unhappy emotion.  They subconsciously think we are responding to them and it can put an unconscious barrier between us.

The book also addresses “feeling bad about feeling bad,” one of my all time ‘send me over to the wrong side of life’ triggers.  Not only do I feel bad about something, but I think I shouldn’t feel bad so I feel even worse.  Again, I thought I was the only one who did this.

It’s all learning and I guess we are never done.  That’s what makes life exciting, right?

And it’s all on the path to freedom.

Thanks for reminding me I have a great life.

I’m having an internal tantrum

2 Apr

I was trying to change the subtitle of my blog from “Is this Menopause or do I hate my life?”  to something a little more uplifting.

And I can’t figure out how.  But in the process, I looked at my old blogs from 2012.  I was still married, having fantasies about a certain guy from the gym, and always mad at my husband.   Do I really need people to read all that?  It’s more like a journal.  Should it be public?  Probably not.

So what do I do?  Should I even have a blog?   What’s  the purpose?  If it’s supposed to be helpful to others, then I have no clue what I am doing.  I feel like I’m 5 years old, throwing my hands in the air and yelling, “I CAN’T DO THIS!!!” And throwing myself on the ground, flailing like my daughter did when she was two years old.  We called them butt flops.

I don’t know how so I am going to quit.  Life sucks and then you die.  Whah. Whah. Whah.   I want to just curl up and suck my thumb………………

OK.  Back to adulthood.  The title is negative, so I was just trying to figure out how to make the sub-title  more positive.  And I got frustrated.  I guess I could ask for help.  I could password protect the ones I don’t want people to see, but in this mood that would be all of them, so what’s the point.

I am siting out on my deck, in my own private rental cottage, without a husband, without my fantasy man, and life is actually good.  I am frustated, but life is still good.  The sun is shining and I am outside in my shorts and tank top.  (I have sunscreen on, but will go get my hat since I already have so many wrinkles).

I was out earlier but it was too cold.  It has definitely warmed up.  The problem with sitting outside is that you can’t see the screen.  I can’t do most work outside for that reason.  So, coming outside is a luxury.  But it’s Sunday so why am I even thinking I need to be working?  (More, self torture). Why can’t I just relax for a change?

I guess what else is bothering me is what I had been reading from five years ago.  When I looked back at my fantasies, I was on the other side of the relationship with my last person.  The one who lied about being married.  I’ll call him Psycho for now.  And, I was so excited when he would pay attention and say nice things.  It made me so happy.  And I held onto it for dear life back then.

And, it was ok at that time because I was still married so it really was just a fantasy.  When I got divorced, we actually did start having a relationship.  It was magical for a while even though he did get mad sometimes.  He would always apologize after and make me promise not to leave him.  And I stuck by him, loving him as I did.  And it was heaven.  The happiest time of my life.

But then his wife called me.  Yes, he had a wife.  He had told me he was divorced, but he wasn’t.  And it deteriorated after that.  He couldn’t keep both of us happy and she held his financial future in her hands and I didn’t.

And, I make myself wrong for loving him so much even though he was a liar.  And, if I look back, I put up with his anger, accusations, witholding of himself, and not having much time.  I hung in there thinking he needed me.  And I try not to feel completely stupid that I believed his lies.

But, the truth be told, I really did care about this nut case.  And I still do in some ways.  I think the connection was so deep and so strong that I thought I was being “loyal” or “supportive” or “patient” through his angry and insulting interludes.  (I hate to say it was sort of normal for me.  My dad, God rest his soul, was a wonderful man, but he didn’t hold back his opinions.  So, it didn’t seem unusual unfortunately.)

What bothers me is that I still think about this person coming back to me after his “supposed” divorce.  And that we would be so happy together.  In my mind it could be so good.

I guess when I meet someone new that I am crazy about, I will move on.  Until then, in my down moments, I will allow myself to fantasize.  It doesn’t hurt anyone and it doesn’t put on weight!!!!!!

And, my date from last night was……I created a new scale for evaluating dates:

  • horrible
  • tolerable
  • enjoyable
  • can’t wait to see him again

Last night’s was very  nice.  I would put him in between enjoyable and tolerable.  He has already called and texted.  He was very nice and I was his first date after his divorce so I don’t want to be mean.  But, it’s my life.

And what I really want is the connection I had with my last guy.  It was so exciting.  I told my sister I didn’t think yesterday’s guy was my type and she said:

“Maybe you should change your type!”

So here’s a chance for me to trust myself and not let her comment seem like the truth.

“My test is if I’d rather be home alone with a book, he’s not my type,” I said.

“Oh,”  She said.  So there.  Nothing more said.  YAY ME!!

So if I’m hanging onto to Psycho it’s because I loved what we had, as crazy as it was.  I am going to hold out until I have that again.   I don’t need to take the first semi-normal guy who pays attention to me.  I like my life alone right now.  I love the freedom.

I miss the affection, passion, and companionship.  I miss thinking someone has my back and will help me with my car and other manly things.  But I will survive without them.  And, I can hold out for what I want.

And if this blog is not the way a blog is supposed to be, then I guess it doesn’t matter.  There is no grade.  I am not trying to get into an Ivy League school with it.  Been there, done that.   That degree didn’t pay my bills when my ex spent more then we made.

So, I will figure out how to change the subtitle of the blog when I do.  And, I will continue to express myself.  This is about freedom, not trying to get it right or worry about what people say.  It is for me.  I don’t know why this works to calm me down, but it does.  So thanks for listening.   I feel much better now.

Talking to my Dad, God rest his soul

4 Mar

Earlier today I was feeling alone.  And scared and worried about the future.  But when I stopped for a minute and became grateful for what I have, my thoughts altered.

Maybe great things are in store for me.  Maybe my journey is just beginning.  I have a blank slate  – I am divorced, my kids are off to college, and I can create anything I want to.

And maybe that means my life will be way more then I thought it could be.  And I remember my dad who died a month and a half ago.

My dad told the Rabbi two days before he passed away, that he didn’t know life could be this good.  And I am happy that his life surpassed his expectations.  He was a great man and I miss him terribly at certain moments.  I miss knowing he was there and seeing him shuffle from room to room because the nephropathy from his cancer treatments had destroyed the feeling in his feet and hands.

And now I am crying, but I’m ok with that.  I have learned to feel the sadness instead of resisting it.  And it will last less then a minute if I allow it.  Some great mentors have taught me that recently.  Trying not to be sad hurts more.

I sob.  It’s easier to do when I’m alone.  But I know if my Dad is watching, he would be saying, “what are you crying about?  I’m right here with you.  Get on with your day already.”

And I smile as the tears come down.  “I miss you, Dad.  It’s not the same without you.”

“I know,” he answers.  “But you always have me in your heart.  I am with you.  You are not alone.  And you have our amazing family, great friends, and a community that loves you and believes in you.  You will find your way.  It’s just scary and unknown.  But it will all work out.  This is just the way life looks sometimes.  I love you.”

“Thanks, Dad.”  I answer silently.  “I needed that today.  I guess loneliness is just body sensations and thoughts that occur sometimes.  They don’t mean anything.  I have a  great life and I love my place here.  I remember when you came to look at it and you loved it.  I wish you could be here with me, but I guess you are, in my heart and spirit.  Thank you for loving me and giving me my life.  You were a great father.  Thanks for driving me to school in the mornings with my harp.  When I got out of the car you would always say, “Be Terrific.”  I wish you could say it to me right now, but I will hear it in my mind.”

And I’m not going to apologize for crying.  I am trying to learn to experience my emotions instead of numbing them like I did last night.  Red wine, chips and hummus.   And, I might do it again tonight.  Or maybe I won’t.  Either way is fine.

And the grief comes and goes.  Sometimes I am fine.  Sometimes I am a crying mess.  And I know that Dad just wants me to have a great life.  And I do.  (But sometimes I just forget!)

 

 

What is “being alone?”

4 Mar

I was at the gym this morning, surrounded by people. Pushing myself, working hard doing my functional workout, and I had the thought, “I am alone.”

How could that be when I am in a crowded room? All I would have to do is start a conversation. Say hello to someone. Make some friends.  But today I just didn’t want to.  Not in the mood.  I’m alone and no one cares.  And I felt sorry for myself for just a a few minutes while I finished my chest and ab exercises.

But let me make it clear, I am not actually alone in the world at all. I have an amazing family – mom, kids, siblings, cousins – and several supportive, loving communities that I am a part of.  I have recently discovered that I am truly loved and that people really do believe in me as my higher Self, not the disempowering self I often see myself as.

So maybe “being alone” was just a thought. And it was followed by other thoughts – my life shouldn’t look this way, something’s wrong here and what’s wrong with me.

Because this is what I wanted. I got divorced so I could have the life I wanted, not support my ex-husband’s idea of a life. I chose not being married and that means, for right now,  being ok with being alone.

How did I end up divorced?  I try to remember sometimes when I wonder if I made a mistake.  But then it all comes back………..My ex always promised that things would change.  That instead of him ignoring me and doing whatever he wanted whether I liked it or not, that he would pay attention to me, respect me and be a partner instead of a lone ranger.  And so I hoped that each time he said it, things really would be different.  And I waited for 20 years.  Until my kids pointed out that this was the same argument they’d been hearing their whole lives.  And stop kidding myself that things would ever be different.

And a light bulb went off.  I had been waiting for him to change so I could be happy.

And that seemed crazy.  Why should  he have to change?  He should stay exactly the way he was.

But I had a choice.  I had a say in my happiness.  And I didn’t have to stay married to him.  Once I got over my fear, opinions and judgments about divorce, I started the process.  And as tough and scary as it was, we finally got divorced.

And since then, I have created my life the way I want it to be. So here I am with a blank slate. On my own. Looking at the water in my adorable rented cottage on the beach. I love it here. It is peaceful, serene, nourishing to my soul.  I sit and breathe at the wonderful world  have created.

And then panic replaces serenity.  This beautiful rental ends on June 1.  I will have no place to live.  I had told myself back in September when I moved in, that I wouldn’t worry about where I would go next until March. Well today is March 4th. It’s time to worry.

Or instead of fear, I can tell myself to trust the universe, even though it’s not natural for me. Or I can just breathe. (I’ve been doing that my whole life.) And, just like with my divorce, I can take the time to visualize what I want, figure out what I need to do, and create a plan. Instead of being a powerless, paralyzed victim, I can  get into action.

And I can really believe that I will find the next place I am to live. And, when it is time for me to have the relationship of my dreams, that God and my guardian angel will present the right man. And, until then, I can enjoy my life, the solitude, the freedom, and the love that I know is all around me.

So what if it doesn’t look like I thought it would? That it’s different. It doesn’t mean it’s bad. It’s just not what I expected.  And sometimes I have the thought that I am alone.  It’s just a thought, after all.

And, this is the way life looks when it’s working…………….

Why Am I Password Protecting My Entries ? Plus, I Just Realized I am Making Progress – Wow!

20 Jun

6/20/13

I guess I am a chicken.  I am writing about personal issues that are incriminating to me or my family members.  This is an issue for me in this blog and also in my book.  I am currently deciding which way to go with my book as well.

Today I start my first writing class.  I was thinking that someone would “save” me and just take my book, fix the writing to make it sing, answer all my questions, get it published, make me millions, get me on today’s version of Oprah, and I would be the star. 

I thought it was a great way to go if I could design my life.  Take out the hard part, let someone else do it, and I would get to do all the fun parts.

I am realizing that no one is going to save me as I discussed yesterday.  If I want to do something hard, I have to bite the bullet, wander into the unknown, work hard, be uncomfortable, and become a better and more accomplished person in the process.

I hate not knowing how to do something.  I hate it.  But, I am realizing that I am stuck in life because of my inability or unwillingness to push through when I “don’t know how.”  I don’t mind working hard as long as I know what it is I am supposed to do.  When I don’t know how, I feel paralyzed, devoid of energy, and I just want to go to sleep.  I check out and don’t make any progress.

Today I am going to a writing course where they are going to critique my work.  I have avoided and resisted this up until this point.  I have not felt strong enough in my personal belief in myself to withstand criticism – constructive or not. 

The first class that I signed up for was cancelled due to lack of participants.  I actually emailed the school and asked for advice since I didn’t want to prolong my learning until the fall.  They put in a new class and I feel that I had a part in making that happen. 

Now, today is the day of reckoning.  I am brave.  I can do this.  I am no longer a little baby who needs to be pulled from the womb.  (Yesterday’s entry – ask for the password if you are interested in this fascinating revelation).  I am a fully functioning grown woman.  I want feedback so I can develop the best book that I can before I attempt to publish it.

Before I was in a hurry to get it published.  I was thrilled that I had finally finished a book instead of continuing to start new ones.  I never had this problem before.  This is good.  This is progress.  So why do I feel like crying?:  Because I just realized that I actually am moving forward.  I am going to a place where I am terrified, uncertain, nervous, and not confident and it is REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE.  But I am doing it anyway.  I am almost crying because I have been beating myself up for my lack of progress, but, I just realized, this is how progress looks and feels.  It’s just not comfortable.

I don’t have time to edit this but I am going to publish anyway.  Thanks, as always, for listening.  It means alot to me.  Any comments are welcome.