Why Am I Password Protecting My Entries ? Plus, I Just Realized I am Making Progress – Wow!

20 Jun


I guess I am a chicken.  I am writing about personal issues that are incriminating to me or my family members.  This is an issue for me in this blog and also in my book.  I am currently deciding which way to go with my book as well.

Today I start my first writing class.  I was thinking that someone would “save” me and just take my book, fix the writing to make it sing, answer all my questions, get it published, make me millions, get me on today’s version of Oprah, and I would be the star. 

I thought it was a great way to go if I could design my life.  Take out the hard part, let someone else do it, and I would get to do all the fun parts.

I am realizing that no one is going to save me as I discussed yesterday.  If I want to do something hard, I have to bite the bullet, wander into the unknown, work hard, be uncomfortable, and become a better and more accomplished person in the process.

I hate not knowing how to do something.  I hate it.  But, I am realizing that I am stuck in life because of my inability or unwillingness to push through when I “don’t know how.”  I don’t mind working hard as long as I know what it is I am supposed to do.  When I don’t know how, I feel paralyzed, devoid of energy, and I just want to go to sleep.  I check out and don’t make any progress.

Today I am going to a writing course where they are going to critique my work.  I have avoided and resisted this up until this point.  I have not felt strong enough in my personal belief in myself to withstand criticism – constructive or not. 

The first class that I signed up for was cancelled due to lack of participants.  I actually emailed the school and asked for advice since I didn’t want to prolong my learning until the fall.  They put in a new class and I feel that I had a part in making that happen. 

Now, today is the day of reckoning.  I am brave.  I can do this.  I am no longer a little baby who needs to be pulled from the womb.  (Yesterday’s entry – ask for the password if you are interested in this fascinating revelation).  I am a fully functioning grown woman.  I want feedback so I can develop the best book that I can before I attempt to publish it.

Before I was in a hurry to get it published.  I was thrilled that I had finally finished a book instead of continuing to start new ones.  I never had this problem before.  This is good.  This is progress.  So why do I feel like crying?:  Because I just realized that I actually am moving forward.  I am going to a place where I am terrified, uncertain, nervous, and not confident and it is REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE.  But I am doing it anyway.  I am almost crying because I have been beating myself up for my lack of progress, but, I just realized, this is how progress looks and feels.  It’s just not comfortable.

I don’t have time to edit this but I am going to publish anyway.  Thanks, as always, for listening.  It means alot to me.  Any comments are welcome.




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