Earlier today I was feeling alone. And scared and worried about the future. But when I stopped for a minute and became grateful for what I have, my thoughts altered.
Maybe great things are in store for me. Maybe my journey is just beginning. I have a blank slate – I am divorced, my kids are off to college, and I can create anything I want to.
And maybe that means my life will be way more then I thought it could be. And I remember my dad who died a month and a half ago.
My dad told the Rabbi two days before he passed away, that he didn’t know life could be this good. And I am happy that his life surpassed his expectations. He was a great man and I miss him terribly at certain moments. I miss knowing he was there and seeing him shuffle from room to room because the nephropathy from his cancer treatments had destroyed the feeling in his feet and hands.
And now I am crying, but I’m ok with that. I have learned to feel the sadness instead of resisting it. And it will last less then a minute if I allow it. Some great mentors have taught me that recently. Trying not to be sad hurts more.
I sob. It’s easier to do when I’m alone. But I know if my Dad is watching, he would be saying, “what are you crying about? I’m right here with you. Get on with your day already.”
And I smile as the tears come down. “I miss you, Dad. It’s not the same without you.”
“I know,” he answers. “But you always have me in your heart. I am with you. You are not alone. And you have our amazing family, great friends, and a community that loves you and believes in you. You will find your way. It’s just scary and unknown. But it will all work out. This is just the way life looks sometimes. I love you.”
“Thanks, Dad.” I answer silently. “I needed that today. I guess loneliness is just body sensations and thoughts that occur sometimes. They don’t mean anything. I have a great life and I love my place here. I remember when you came to look at it and you loved it. I wish you could be here with me, but I guess you are, in my heart and spirit. Thank you for loving me and giving me my life. You were a great father. Thanks for driving me to school in the mornings with my harp. When I got out of the car you would always say, “Be Terrific.” I wish you could say it to me right now, but I will hear it in my mind.”
And I’m not going to apologize for crying. I am trying to learn to experience my emotions instead of numbing them like I did last night. Red wine, chips and hummus. And, I might do it again tonight. Or maybe I won’t. Either way is fine.
And the grief comes and goes. Sometimes I am fine. Sometimes I am a crying mess. And I know that Dad just wants me to have a great life. And I do. (But sometimes I just forget!)
tiredoffeelingbad 
as the anniversary of loosing my own Dad draws near I also find myself talking to him and letting the tears flow. hard to believe it was just over a year ago we learned there was nothing else anyone could do to extend his life, I was so blessed to be able to have those last few weeks learning more about the man he was & how much he loved us and hoped he did enough as our Dad.
Thank you for your comment. Before I lost my Dad, I couldn’t relate to people who had lost their parents. I just didn’t understand grief. Now I do. And now I wonder where he went and why he’s not here anymore.
And then someone told me that when we are sad, it’s the deceased’s way of letting us know they are near us. They are trying to give us comfort. That interpretation has made it a little easier to experience the sadness, but just a little. Thanks for sharing.