Yes, today, not tonight. It’s at 3:00 pm. Today is Saturday. I haven’t had a date since the fall. After signing up for E-Harmony, I had 18 dates in two weeks. After 20 years of marriage and a divorce, I had thought it was time to get back in the game..
At first I was excited by the sheer number, but after a few of them turned about to be a little odd, I just stopped. I didn’t want to talk about sex before I met the guy. And he got mad and insulted me. Another one told me he was still married and living with his wife halfway through dinner. So I got a little gun shy.
I did my usual, “who cares? who needs it? I’m better off alone then having to deal with this s–t.”
So today, five months after the last one, I am once again playing the game. And, in some ways I’m excited. I feel almost giddy. And, I’m clear it’s not about him. Or even me. It’s like a society thing.
“You have a date? Oh tell me about it,” like it’s fascinating or something. I guess because it could lead to something that they could live vicariously through. Who knows, it could end up being “True Love.” And isn’t that what fairy tales are made of? And isn’t that what we all want? I know I do. The prince to ride up, grab me, and solve all my problems. I will be thin, beautiful, and want for nothing. But I digress. Back to today.
It’s almost like some other person will dress up my body in clothes that seem appropriate to wear, brush my hair as nicely as it can be, and put make up on me in the middle of the day. This person will be friendly, try to act in a way that is socially acceptable, and have appropriate conversations with this person. She will try not to look at her phone to see how much time has passed. When a polite amount of time has gone by, the date will be deemed “over”. This person will go home, go inside her house, and rip off her “date clothes.”
When I have returned to “said body,” I will put on my sweat pants, open the bottle of wine and bag of chips I have waiting, and call my friend, Renee.
“Another weirdo,” I will say.
Wow, where did all that come from? My subconscious? Scary. I didn’t realize how resigned and negative I am about dating. I guess I’m going through the motions. Afraid to hope. Afraid to get excited. Afraid another one will lie about being married and I’ll find out too late. I think I have so many freaking barriers up that I should have the guy park a mile away and just wave to me.
(I just remembered that when I had first gotten married 20 years ago I used to have nightmares. I would wake up in a cold sweat. Guess what they were about? That I was still dating. I’d wake up, look at my husband, and realize I didn’t have to date anymore and be happy.
Well, like in Carrie, I’M BACK!!!!!! HELP!!! How did this happen?
This blog has taken a surprising turn. I thought I was just going to write about my date’s looks, mean as it is. In his E-Harmony picture, his hair looks like the not Jim Carey guy in Dumb and Dumber. I was hoping that maybe he would have had it cut by now. Unfortunately he told me today that he looks exactly the same as he did in the picture. Not any different.
“Damn,” I thought.
I left my friend Renee a voicemail about the hair.
“Enjoy your hairy date,” she texted.
“I’m bringing a scissors,” I replied.
So that may be the most fun I have. Oops, negativity again. Wow. I am so resigned and cynical about men and relationships even though I say that’s my dream.
So, I will create a new future for this date. I will meet a nice person, find out about his life, and let him know something about me. I will be myself, have fun, and be present. If I would like to see him again I will (if he also wants to), and if I don’t, I will not. Nothing to worry about. I am sure I will look my best and will pick the right clothes to wear (i.e. that my mother will approve of…..that could be a whole other blog entry for another day). And have fun. I need to have fun.
OK, wish me luck ………………..I think I feel sick……..I don’t think I can do this………………
tiredoffeelingbad 
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