Playing Full Out

11 Mar

I have been afraid to play full out.  I’ve been afraid of just about everything.  I’m afraid to get in trouble.  Afraid of getting criticized.  Afraid to make a mistake.  Afraid of getting it wrong.

Well, the gig is up.  I just finished two weekends of transformational courses.  I saw that I am “the rattlesnake.”  I have made myself wrong for many, many, many years.  It prevented me from seeing any good in myself and not allowing myself to really be happy.

I would say the following:  How could I say I have a great life?  What if things change tomorrow?  What if they find out I don’t have my shit together?  What if people know I’m messy?  What if someone finds out I am pathetic and needy and need reassurance?

No one could love that.  I don’t even like myself.  I had to keep it hidden and when I let it out, I got anxious and insecure and stressed out.

Well, those days are gone.  I was afraid that I really was just crazy.  Something really wrong with me.  Sure I annoyed people.  Sure no one wanted to listen to me.  I was afraid if I was upset, etc.

I’m not going to try to get rid of those thoughts.  But I am going to just write them down.  AND, I am going to dial up what I’m afraid of .  I’m going to own my craziness.  Yes, I’m crazy but it’s a wonderful crazy.  I love people and want to do great things in the world.  I have BOLD IDEAS and BIG AMBITIONS.   But I have let fear and doubt stop me from staying in action.

So I am declaring a moratorium on BEING CAREFUL!!!  I am going to make messes and get into trouble by being bold, self expressed and IN ACTION!!!!!

And, even as I type this I am wondering if it will last.  And maybe I’ll forget.  But I can return to it and just keep going instead of making my inactivity wrong.

So, there it is, world.  Who wants to play with me?

 

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