I have been afraid to play full out. I’ve been afraid of just about everything. I’m afraid to get in trouble. Afraid of getting criticized. Afraid to make a mistake. Afraid of getting it wrong.
Well, the gig is up. I just finished two weekends of transformational courses. I saw that I am “the rattlesnake.” I have made myself wrong for many, many, many years. It prevented me from seeing any good in myself and not allowing myself to really be happy.
I would say the following: How could I say I have a great life? What if things change tomorrow? What if they find out I don’t have my shit together? What if people know I’m messy? What if someone finds out I am pathetic and needy and need reassurance?
No one could love that. I don’t even like myself. I had to keep it hidden and when I let it out, I got anxious and insecure and stressed out.
Well, those days are gone. I was afraid that I really was just crazy. Something really wrong with me. Sure I annoyed people. Sure no one wanted to listen to me. I was afraid if I was upset, etc.
I’m not going to try to get rid of those thoughts. But I am going to just write them down. AND, I am going to dial up what I’m afraid of . I’m going to own my craziness. Yes, I’m crazy but it’s a wonderful crazy. I love people and want to do great things in the world. I have BOLD IDEAS and BIG AMBITIONS. But I have let fear and doubt stop me from staying in action.
So I am declaring a moratorium on BEING CAREFUL!!! I am going to make messes and get into trouble by being bold, self expressed and IN ACTION!!!!!
And, even as I type this I am wondering if it will last. And maybe I’ll forget. But I can return to it and just keep going instead of making my inactivity wrong.
So, there it is, world. Who wants to play with me?
tiredoffeelingbad 
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