Can’t Shake This

I don’t think Can’t Shake This is a song, but I’m hearing it in my mind to a certain beat.  Is it “Can’t touch this?” by MC Hammer.  Who knows?  I have never been very good with the words in a song.  My kids laugh when I sing the wrong ones because I don’t even know that they are wrong.

Anyway, I need to work through something.   I have an agent on my sales team who has decided she needs to leave my team.  She went to my boss and his boss and asked for a transfer.

This is someone that I have helped, put my heart and soul into, and done whatever I could to help her be successful.

So the fact that she has thrown me under the boss without coming to me, HURTS.  I feel violated like I was robbed or someone entered my home without my permission.  And, I can’t shake it.

Saying it’s her problem, she’s not capable of communicating, etc. does not seem to help.  I guess I am just sad.

Sad that I have become “The ass hole” and there’s nothing I can do about it.  Sad that someone I cared about is unwilling to talk about this.  Just sad.

And it’s ok to be sad, I guess.  This is hard.  I don’t like to admit when things are hard.  “It should be easy,” I tell myself.

“Good riddance,”  I can say.  But that doesn’t feel right.

“F—k her,” is something else I could say.

But the point of the matter is – I feel sorry for her that she can not communicate.  That she needs to go through life thinking everyone’s against her or trying to screw her over.  But, again, it’s not my problem.  It’s the best she can do.

I can wish her the best and enjoy my quota reduction.

But that doesn’t give me peace because inside I AM resentful.  I AM BITTER!!  How dare she?  Who the hell does she think she is?  Doesn’t she know I’ve been around for ten years!!!!  I’m a team player!!!

What’s worked before when all else fails, is forgiveness.  Can I forgive her?  Can I forgive myself for whatever I did to make her want to leave?

Good question.  I will have to look at that.  So I CAN HAVE PEACE!!!!

——–thinking———thinking———-thinking————-

OK – I can.  Because I hate this feeling and it doesn’t serve me!!!  So, I will take 5 minutes of anger and resentment and then forgive.

And, I will give up the story and make wrong that I have been holding onto.  I will stop talking shit about her.  And that is hard.  Because I really want to.  But I will do it so I can move on.

Give me 5 minutes of really feeling mad, though…………………

OK, I will set a timer for that.   Thank you.