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I’m having an internal tantrum

2 Apr

I was trying to change the subtitle of my blog from “Is this Menopause or do I hate my life?”  to something a little more uplifting.

And I can’t figure out how.  But in the process, I looked at my old blogs from 2012.  I was still married, having fantasies about a certain guy from the gym, and always mad at my husband.   Do I really need people to read all that?  It’s more like a journal.  Should it be public?  Probably not.

So what do I do?  Should I even have a blog?   What’s  the purpose?  If it’s supposed to be helpful to others, then I have no clue what I am doing.  I feel like I’m 5 years old, throwing my hands in the air and yelling, “I CAN’T DO THIS!!!” And throwing myself on the ground, flailing like my daughter did when she was two years old.  We called them butt flops.

I don’t know how so I am going to quit.  Life sucks and then you die.  Whah. Whah. Whah.   I want to just curl up and suck my thumb………………

OK.  Back to adulthood.  The title is negative, so I was just trying to figure out how to make the sub-title  more positive.  And I got frustrated.  I guess I could ask for help.  I could password protect the ones I don’t want people to see, but in this mood that would be all of them, so what’s the point.

I am siting out on my deck, in my own private rental cottage, without a husband, without my fantasy man, and life is actually good.  I am frustated, but life is still good.  The sun is shining and I am outside in my shorts and tank top.  (I have sunscreen on, but will go get my hat since I already have so many wrinkles).

I was out earlier but it was too cold.  It has definitely warmed up.  The problem with sitting outside is that you can’t see the screen.  I can’t do most work outside for that reason.  So, coming outside is a luxury.  But it’s Sunday so why am I even thinking I need to be working?  (More, self torture). Why can’t I just relax for a change?

I guess what else is bothering me is what I had been reading from five years ago.  When I looked back at my fantasies, I was on the other side of the relationship with my last person.  The one who lied about being married.  I’ll call him Psycho for now.  And, I was so excited when he would pay attention and say nice things.  It made me so happy.  And I held onto it for dear life back then.

And, it was ok at that time because I was still married so it really was just a fantasy.  When I got divorced, we actually did start having a relationship.  It was magical for a while even though he did get mad sometimes.  He would always apologize after and make me promise not to leave him.  And I stuck by him, loving him as I did.  And it was heaven.  The happiest time of my life.

But then his wife called me.  Yes, he had a wife.  He had told me he was divorced, but he wasn’t.  And it deteriorated after that.  He couldn’t keep both of us happy and she held his financial future in her hands and I didn’t.

And, I make myself wrong for loving him so much even though he was a liar.  And, if I look back, I put up with his anger, accusations, witholding of himself, and not having much time.  I hung in there thinking he needed me.  And I try not to feel completely stupid that I believed his lies.

But, the truth be told, I really did care about this nut case.  And I still do in some ways.  I think the connection was so deep and so strong that I thought I was being “loyal” or “supportive” or “patient” through his angry and insulting interludes.  (I hate to say it was sort of normal for me.  My dad, God rest his soul, was a wonderful man, but he didn’t hold back his opinions.  So, it didn’t seem unusual unfortunately.)

What bothers me is that I still think about this person coming back to me after his “supposed” divorce.  And that we would be so happy together.  In my mind it could be so good.

I guess when I meet someone new that I am crazy about, I will move on.  Until then, in my down moments, I will allow myself to fantasize.  It doesn’t hurt anyone and it doesn’t put on weight!!!!!!

And, my date from last night was……I created a new scale for evaluating dates:

  • horrible
  • tolerable
  • enjoyable
  • can’t wait to see him again

Last night’s was very  nice.  I would put him in between enjoyable and tolerable.  He has already called and texted.  He was very nice and I was his first date after his divorce so I don’t want to be mean.  But, it’s my life.

And what I really want is the connection I had with my last guy.  It was so exciting.  I told my sister I didn’t think yesterday’s guy was my type and she said:

“Maybe you should change your type!”

So here’s a chance for me to trust myself and not let her comment seem like the truth.

“My test is if I’d rather be home alone with a book, he’s not my type,” I said.

“Oh,”  She said.  So there.  Nothing more said.  YAY ME!!

So if I’m hanging onto to Psycho it’s because I loved what we had, as crazy as it was.  I am going to hold out until I have that again.   I don’t need to take the first semi-normal guy who pays attention to me.  I like my life alone right now.  I love the freedom.

I miss the affection, passion, and companionship.  I miss thinking someone has my back and will help me with my car and other manly things.  But I will survive without them.  And, I can hold out for what I want.

And if this blog is not the way a blog is supposed to be, then I guess it doesn’t matter.  There is no grade.  I am not trying to get into an Ivy League school with it.  Been there, done that.   That degree didn’t pay my bills when my ex spent more then we made.

So, I will figure out how to change the subtitle of the blog when I do.  And, I will continue to express myself.  This is about freedom, not trying to get it right or worry about what people say.  It is for me.  I don’t know why this works to calm me down, but it does.  So thanks for listening.   I feel much better now.

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Infuriated

5 Mar

I am using this blog to vent.

I was having a wonderful day.  I was cooking, cleaning up, and happy about my success at the gym smiling at 5 people.

I tried grilling some chicken, chicken sausages and eggplant, but after two hours, I hadn’t made much progress.  Since my oven doesn’t work, I was determined to get this stuff cooked.  Seeing my frustration, my neighbor stopped by and offered to check the fire.

“It’s just too cold,”  he said.  “The wind blew out the flame.”
I took the food inside and made it on the stove top.  I sauteed the chicken and made a stew with the sausage and eggplant, adding some canned tomatoes and some of the chicken as well.

My son stopped by with a friend from college.  Like most 21 year olds, they were hungry.  They had several helpings of the chicken and the stew.  Since most of the time no one likes my food, I was very happy that they enjoyed it.  The friend was nice and wants to be in the drug enforcement agency after college.  He had 5 friends that died of heroin overdoses.  It was nice to see someone who wants to make a difference in the world.  He said if he can save one mother from having to cry over her dead child, he will have achieved his goal.  I hope he does more then that.  I was inspired by his passion.

So why do I need to vent?  Well, after they left and I was about to start a project, the door opened.  I thought my son, Jesse,  had forgotten something, but no, it was my ex, looking for Jesse.

Even though Jesse had left, Mark, my ex, came in anyway.  He often stops by when he’s hungry.  I offered him food and he accepted an apple and peanut butter.  He left the dish and knife in the sink.

“Who’s supposed to clean this?”  I asked him.

“I thought you would want to so you could use it again.”  I have no dishwasher and this was a plastic plate and knife.

“Why wouldn’t you think to clean it?”

Because he wouldn’t.  And I started screaming about how he just comes, eats, doesn’t bring anything, and leaves a mess.  He does that at my mother’s as well.

Mark just looked at me, not saying a word.  That got me even madder.  I was trying to understand how a grown man can act this way.  Finally he spoke.

“You want to do everything yourself.  You don’t need help.  You like to be independent.” he said.

“Why would you think that?” I screamed.  “I love when someone offers to help.  I hate doing everything myself.  I hate lugging all my stuff everywhere.  It’s very convenient for you to think that.  Then you don’t have to offer to do anything for me.  BUT IT’S NOT TRUE!!!”

So he actually offered to help. I had him take the garbage out to the curb on his way out.  I walked him out, loading up my car for the next day with work stuff.  When I came back I was fuming.

Why do you even let him in you might ask.  Have boundaries.  Tell me not to come over. You are divorced, you don’t owe him anything.

Well, I tried that.  And, I felt like a bitch.  I guess I feel sorry for him.  He stops over my mother’s as well and she feeds him.   One night I asked him to please at least bring his dish to the sink.  He acted shocked that I would mention it.  Acted like of course he would take his plate up.  Infuriated, I end up screaming at him and looking like a bitch as usual in front of my mother.  I was so mad I went upstairs and told him never to come over again.

The next night he came back as if nothing had happened.  Like in our marriage, nothing I said was ever heard or paid attention to.

Being ignored, not respected, mocked, and treated like I am the crazy one infuriates me. I can’t explain it.   I don’t think I’m a bad person.  But he makes me feel like one.  Is it too much to ask a grown man to clean up after himself, especially if he is constantly getting  free meals and didn’t offer to bring anything or help in any way.  Am I wrong?  Would you be infuriated?

This is what happened during my marriage.  The guy acted so innocent when I was upset that I would think that I was going crazy and the problem was me.  I know it takes two to tango, but often, after being around this man, I feel crazy.

I guess the answer is stay away.  Tomorrow we have a seminar together with our son.  He asked if I wanted to drive with him.  The lazy answer is yes so I can sleep, but I think it’s time to say no.  Be independent.  If I am going to really move on, it’s time to move on.

We are still connected through the kids as a family, but we are no longer a couple.  I think in order to save my sanity, it’s time to say no.

I get sucked in by ass holes who get you to feel sorry for them.  They can be charming, but are completely narcissistic and self oriented.  The last guy had this whole sob story about how terrible his childhood was.  “I just want someone to take care of me.”  So I tried.  And in the end, he would practically spit at me when I offered to help.  It makes me sick now to think about how nice I was and how badly I was treated.  Ugh, don’t go there.

So what can make me more aware next time?

If I’m not getting treated the way I want to, move on.

If they are not available, move on.

If they don’t keep their word and try to blame me for being upset, move on.

If they criticize my words or what I am doing or wearing, move on.

If their words don’t match their actions, move on.

If I feel worse after being around them or talking to them, move on.

if I’m afraid to get them mad and have to change myself to keep them happy, move on.

Ok, well this is a start.  I am feeling a little calmer.  If I keep repeating the same thing that infuriates me (being around Mark), or having to change myself to keep someone happy, then who’s the idiot?  Me.

And, I will not call myself stupid for making these mistakes.  Each man I was with served a purpose.  But, to think I need any of them to love me again is crazy.  That’s amnesia and thinking I am still unlovable.  And I gave that up.

Being in scarcity makes me think I will never find someone else that I am that attracted to.  I will no longer go there in my brain.

I have developed my plan.  I am getting myself out there.  I have signed up for seminars, workshops, programs and vacations.  I will figure out where I will live after June 1.  I will hit my work goals for the end of March.  I will be at my goal weight again.  I will serve others and make a difference.  I will enjoy my life exactly as it is right now.  I will be grateful for what is good.

I can learn from my mistakes instead of going down the path of I am just stupid and unlovable and crazy.  I am tired of that game.  No cheese down that tunnel.

So thanks for listening.  This helps.  Until next time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and I fed them and it was very nice.  I enjoyed the conversation and that they ate what I made.  And liked it and asked for more.

5 Smiles Closer to a New Life

5 Mar

Today I was at the gym again.  It’s a new gym in a new town so I don’t really know anyone.  I had been at my old gym for years and used to walk around talking to everyone like I was in high school.  I flirted and had fun and had a great time.

Until………my sort of ex boyfriend who shall be nameless changed all that.  And even though I am responsible for letting him change me, I still became a different person tehn I was before.

He told me that he hated people like me.  Friendly, flirty, talkative.  That if I was friendly to a guy they thought I wanted to have sex with them.  And, if I wanted to work out with him, I couldn’t talk to anyone.

At first I didn’t believe him.  How could that be?  I was just having fun being friendly .  why would they think that?  I couldn’t believe it.  But, I liked working out with him so I decided I would do what he wanted me to.

And, just like with my ex husband before him, I let him turn me into someone other then my real self.  I became a good girl, trying to please him, not talking to other guys, keeping my head down.  Serious, not smiling, and definately not friendly.

And it didn’t matter that I changed, because he always got mad about something else anyway.  There was no pleasing him no matter what I did.

So then why would I change myself for these guys?  It’s a great question.  One that I’ve been wondering about.  I think I learned to be a good girl when I was small.  My father was a great guy, but a couple of times he got really mad.  And it was scary.  So, I decided I better be good.  I learned to do whatever I had to do to keep him from getting mad.  It worked every time but once.  I forgot to sweep the porch one day.  He told me I was a lazy, selfish, good for nothing.  And, until very recently, I believed that his words were true.

So the pattern was there.  Be good.  Do what they say.  Try not to get yelled at.  And do whatever I had to do to get them to love me anyway.  The problem was, thought, that deep down, I thought I was unlovable.  I didn’t think anyone could love the real me, so, it makes sense that I would try to be someone else, right?  In a crazy sort of way.  Logic doesn’t apply.

So, back to the gym today.  I was there, remembering my post from yesterday.  I decided to do something.  “Say hi or smile at 5 people,” I decided.

So I smiled at a few people and they didn’t smile back.

Don’t give up.  They probably had an ex boyfriend like me.  And then the next woman smiled.  I counted her.  Another young guy asked if I was using the bench.  “No, ” I said.  And he smiled.  2.

A woman was stretching and shaking her head.  I asked what was wrong.  “My friends are always late,” she said.  And we started a discussion.

It didn’t have to be with guys I decided.  Just to get my friendliness back.  2 to go.  I got on the elliptical even though I was finished.  No one looked at me.

Desperate to get my last 2, on my way out, I said hi to the guy at the desk. He said hi back.   I also spoke to the membership girl about a college break discount for my kids.

And then, on my way out, I asked the guy behind me if it was still cold out.  “Yes,” he said.  “but it’s almost spring.”  So that was 6.

And, even though I almost didn’t do it, I forced myself.  These weren’t noble prize  winning conversations, but I still felt like a new person.  I did something I didn’t want to do.  It’s not like I have new friends or a date from it, but if I can say hi or smile at 5 people I don’t know every day, my life just may look different.  Who knows what can happen?

But the main point is that I feel great.  On a high.  I guess that comes from going out of my comfort zone.  Doing something different.  I’m not really sure.  But you can bet I will try it again tomorrow.  It might even become a habit.  And then, who knows what could happen?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What is “being alone?”

4 Mar

I was at the gym this morning, surrounded by people. Pushing myself, working hard doing my functional workout, and I had the thought, “I am alone.”

How could that be when I am in a crowded room? All I would have to do is start a conversation. Say hello to someone. Make some friends.  But today I just didn’t want to.  Not in the mood.  I’m alone and no one cares.  And I felt sorry for myself for just a a few minutes while I finished my chest and ab exercises.

But let me make it clear, I am not actually alone in the world at all. I have an amazing family – mom, kids, siblings, cousins – and several supportive, loving communities that I am a part of.  I have recently discovered that I am truly loved and that people really do believe in me as my higher Self, not the disempowering self I often see myself as.

So maybe “being alone” was just a thought. And it was followed by other thoughts – my life shouldn’t look this way, something’s wrong here and what’s wrong with me.

Because this is what I wanted. I got divorced so I could have the life I wanted, not support my ex-husband’s idea of a life. I chose not being married and that means, for right now,  being ok with being alone.

How did I end up divorced?  I try to remember sometimes when I wonder if I made a mistake.  But then it all comes back………..My ex always promised that things would change.  That instead of him ignoring me and doing whatever he wanted whether I liked it or not, that he would pay attention to me, respect me and be a partner instead of a lone ranger.  And so I hoped that each time he said it, things really would be different.  And I waited for 20 years.  Until my kids pointed out that this was the same argument they’d been hearing their whole lives.  And stop kidding myself that things would ever be different.

And a light bulb went off.  I had been waiting for him to change so I could be happy.

And that seemed crazy.  Why should  he have to change?  He should stay exactly the way he was.

But I had a choice.  I had a say in my happiness.  And I didn’t have to stay married to him.  Once I got over my fear, opinions and judgments about divorce, I started the process.  And as tough and scary as it was, we finally got divorced.

And since then, I have created my life the way I want it to be. So here I am with a blank slate. On my own. Looking at the water in my adorable rented cottage on the beach. I love it here. It is peaceful, serene, nourishing to my soul.  I sit and breathe at the wonderful world  have created.

And then panic replaces serenity.  This beautiful rental ends on June 1.  I will have no place to live.  I had told myself back in September when I moved in, that I wouldn’t worry about where I would go next until March. Well today is March 4th. It’s time to worry.

Or instead of fear, I can tell myself to trust the universe, even though it’s not natural for me. Or I can just breathe. (I’ve been doing that my whole life.) And, just like with my divorce, I can take the time to visualize what I want, figure out what I need to do, and create a plan. Instead of being a powerless, paralyzed victim, I can  get into action.

And I can really believe that I will find the next place I am to live. And, when it is time for me to have the relationship of my dreams, that God and my guardian angel will present the right man. And, until then, I can enjoy my life, the solitude, the freedom, and the love that I know is all around me.

So what if it doesn’t look like I thought it would? That it’s different. It doesn’t mean it’s bad. It’s just not what I expected.  And sometimes I have the thought that I am alone.  It’s just a thought, after all.

And, this is the way life looks when it’s working…………….

Why Am I Password Protecting My Entries ? Plus, I Just Realized I am Making Progress – Wow!

20 Jun

6/20/13

I guess I am a chicken.  I am writing about personal issues that are incriminating to me or my family members.  This is an issue for me in this blog and also in my book.  I am currently deciding which way to go with my book as well.

Today I start my first writing class.  I was thinking that someone would “save” me and just take my book, fix the writing to make it sing, answer all my questions, get it published, make me millions, get me on today’s version of Oprah, and I would be the star. 

I thought it was a great way to go if I could design my life.  Take out the hard part, let someone else do it, and I would get to do all the fun parts.

I am realizing that no one is going to save me as I discussed yesterday.  If I want to do something hard, I have to bite the bullet, wander into the unknown, work hard, be uncomfortable, and become a better and more accomplished person in the process.

I hate not knowing how to do something.  I hate it.  But, I am realizing that I am stuck in life because of my inability or unwillingness to push through when I “don’t know how.”  I don’t mind working hard as long as I know what it is I am supposed to do.  When I don’t know how, I feel paralyzed, devoid of energy, and I just want to go to sleep.  I check out and don’t make any progress.

Today I am going to a writing course where they are going to critique my work.  I have avoided and resisted this up until this point.  I have not felt strong enough in my personal belief in myself to withstand criticism – constructive or not. 

The first class that I signed up for was cancelled due to lack of participants.  I actually emailed the school and asked for advice since I didn’t want to prolong my learning until the fall.  They put in a new class and I feel that I had a part in making that happen. 

Now, today is the day of reckoning.  I am brave.  I can do this.  I am no longer a little baby who needs to be pulled from the womb.  (Yesterday’s entry – ask for the password if you are interested in this fascinating revelation).  I am a fully functioning grown woman.  I want feedback so I can develop the best book that I can before I attempt to publish it.

Before I was in a hurry to get it published.  I was thrilled that I had finally finished a book instead of continuing to start new ones.  I never had this problem before.  This is good.  This is progress.  So why do I feel like crying?:  Because I just realized that I actually am moving forward.  I am going to a place where I am terrified, uncertain, nervous, and not confident and it is REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE.  But I am doing it anyway.  I am almost crying because I have been beating myself up for my lack of progress, but, I just realized, this is how progress looks and feels.  It’s just not comfortable.

I don’t have time to edit this but I am going to publish anyway.  Thanks, as always, for listening.  It means alot to me.  Any comments are welcome.