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What is “being alone?”

4 Mar

I was at the gym this morning, surrounded by people. Pushing myself, working hard doing my functional workout, and I had the thought, “I am alone.”

How could that be when I am in a crowded room? All I would have to do is start a conversation. Say hello to someone. Make some friends.  But today I just didn’t want to.  Not in the mood.  I’m alone and no one cares.  And I felt sorry for myself for just a a few minutes while I finished my chest and ab exercises.

But let me make it clear, I am not actually alone in the world at all. I have an amazing family – mom, kids, siblings, cousins – and several supportive, loving communities that I am a part of.  I have recently discovered that I am truly loved and that people really do believe in me as my higher Self, not the disempowering self I often see myself as.

So maybe “being alone” was just a thought. And it was followed by other thoughts – my life shouldn’t look this way, something’s wrong here and what’s wrong with me.

Because this is what I wanted. I got divorced so I could have the life I wanted, not support my ex-husband’s idea of a life. I chose not being married and that means, for right now,  being ok with being alone.

How did I end up divorced?  I try to remember sometimes when I wonder if I made a mistake.  But then it all comes back………..My ex always promised that things would change.  That instead of him ignoring me and doing whatever he wanted whether I liked it or not, that he would pay attention to me, respect me and be a partner instead of a lone ranger.  And so I hoped that each time he said it, things really would be different.  And I waited for 20 years.  Until my kids pointed out that this was the same argument they’d been hearing their whole lives.  And stop kidding myself that things would ever be different.

And a light bulb went off.  I had been waiting for him to change so I could be happy.

And that seemed crazy.  Why should  he have to change?  He should stay exactly the way he was.

But I had a choice.  I had a say in my happiness.  And I didn’t have to stay married to him.  Once I got over my fear, opinions and judgments about divorce, I started the process.  And as tough and scary as it was, we finally got divorced.

And since then, I have created my life the way I want it to be. So here I am with a blank slate. On my own. Looking at the water in my adorable rented cottage on the beach. I love it here. It is peaceful, serene, nourishing to my soul.  I sit and breathe at the wonderful world  have created.

And then panic replaces serenity.  This beautiful rental ends on June 1.  I will have no place to live.  I had told myself back in September when I moved in, that I wouldn’t worry about where I would go next until March. Well today is March 4th. It’s time to worry.

Or instead of fear, I can tell myself to trust the universe, even though it’s not natural for me. Or I can just breathe. (I’ve been doing that my whole life.) And, just like with my divorce, I can take the time to visualize what I want, figure out what I need to do, and create a plan. Instead of being a powerless, paralyzed victim, I can  get into action.

And I can really believe that I will find the next place I am to live. And, when it is time for me to have the relationship of my dreams, that God and my guardian angel will present the right man. And, until then, I can enjoy my life, the solitude, the freedom, and the love that I know is all around me.

So what if it doesn’t look like I thought it would? That it’s different. It doesn’t mean it’s bad. It’s just not what I expected.  And sometimes I have the thought that I am alone.  It’s just a thought, after all.

And, this is the way life looks when it’s working…………….

Why Am I Password Protecting My Entries ? Plus, I Just Realized I am Making Progress – Wow!

20 Jun


I guess I am a chicken.  I am writing about personal issues that are incriminating to me or my family members.  This is an issue for me in this blog and also in my book.  I am currently deciding which way to go with my book as well.

Today I start my first writing class.  I was thinking that someone would “save” me and just take my book, fix the writing to make it sing, answer all my questions, get it published, make me millions, get me on today’s version of Oprah, and I would be the star. 

I thought it was a great way to go if I could design my life.  Take out the hard part, let someone else do it, and I would get to do all the fun parts.

I am realizing that no one is going to save me as I discussed yesterday.  If I want to do something hard, I have to bite the bullet, wander into the unknown, work hard, be uncomfortable, and become a better and more accomplished person in the process.

I hate not knowing how to do something.  I hate it.  But, I am realizing that I am stuck in life because of my inability or unwillingness to push through when I “don’t know how.”  I don’t mind working hard as long as I know what it is I am supposed to do.  When I don’t know how, I feel paralyzed, devoid of energy, and I just want to go to sleep.  I check out and don’t make any progress.

Today I am going to a writing course where they are going to critique my work.  I have avoided and resisted this up until this point.  I have not felt strong enough in my personal belief in myself to withstand criticism – constructive or not. 

The first class that I signed up for was cancelled due to lack of participants.  I actually emailed the school and asked for advice since I didn’t want to prolong my learning until the fall.  They put in a new class and I feel that I had a part in making that happen. 

Now, today is the day of reckoning.  I am brave.  I can do this.  I am no longer a little baby who needs to be pulled from the womb.  (Yesterday’s entry – ask for the password if you are interested in this fascinating revelation).  I am a fully functioning grown woman.  I want feedback so I can develop the best book that I can before I attempt to publish it.

Before I was in a hurry to get it published.  I was thrilled that I had finally finished a book instead of continuing to start new ones.  I never had this problem before.  This is good.  This is progress.  So why do I feel like crying?:  Because I just realized that I actually am moving forward.  I am going to a place where I am terrified, uncertain, nervous, and not confident and it is REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE.  But I am doing it anyway.  I am almost crying because I have been beating myself up for my lack of progress, but, I just realized, this is how progress looks and feels.  It’s just not comfortable.

I don’t have time to edit this but I am going to publish anyway.  Thanks, as always, for listening.  It means alot to me.  Any comments are welcome.