I Learned Alot ……………….Thank You God

16 May

5-15-12

I am excited about having my own domain name.  I am excited about this new blog.  My cousin finally got into my old blog after I created this new one, but that’s good, because if anyone wants to go back, they can.  Blogger.com and same name as this one.

I will use some of my old blog if I need to.  I feel like I am getting to start all over again which is good.  Again, the rules will apply to all posts, so if you didn’t read them, there is a warning attached to this blog.  RULE #1:  READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.  If you know me, I will probably talk about you and it will probably NOT BE GOOD. 

Not because you are bad, but because this blog ends up being a journal and the reason I usually write in my journal is that I am upset.  I am usually upset by what people say to me.   I usually write so I can work it out in my mind and move on.  That is my technique.  It might not be interesting to you, but if not, Rule number 2 applies.  DON’T JUDGE!!!  I judge myself very well thank you very much and don’t need your help.

Also, some things I decided in my first blog. 

1.  I change names to protect the innocent/guilty.

2.  I tell the truth.

3.  I have multiple personalities that I name.  You will get to know them. 

4.  I have people that I obsess/fantasize about even though I am married.  They help me cope.

5.  I have FEELINGS.  They are ok.  They come and they go.  They aren’t WHO I AM.  They can come and go very fast.

6.  I have done and will do things that I am not necessarily anxious for people to know.  BUT, in the interest of my quest to “Not Feel Bad,” I am going to share them.  I am not using my real name because of this.  I don’t condone my behavior, but I understand why I have done certain things.  I will not apologize for what I have done unless it has hurt somebody other than myself.

7. I feel guilty for talking badly about the people I know, but…..again, in the interest of having a great life rather than a “suck life”, I am willing to share myself freely.  I am fearful of people learning who I am, but since I have told some friends about my new “domain” name, that is a possibility.  I am most concerned about my family, and to them, I apologize in advance.  You are my living laboratory.

8.  My dream and hope is that this will be helpful to others who may be stuck.  My dream is to Inspire People to Live the Lives They’ve Always Dreamed Of nand yet, I have not been living my Dream Life at all.  Shame on me.  This is a quest to have that life that I spoke about before I got married.  I hope this can help someone else to get free.

9.  I will write as if you are my friends.  I thank you in advance for listening.  That is the greatest gift you can give someone.  I am excited about this journey.  You have given me hope for the future and I thank you and thank God. 

10.  I am obsessed with my daily work outs.  I have been going at 5:00 AM for a while for reasons that will become obvious in future posts. 

11.  I have developed a habit of spending at least one minute trying to quiet my “very, very busy mind.”  I try to  get present with my body sensations and any emotions that I am not letting come to the surface.

 Today I spent my “minute of quiet”  thinking about my life and realized, once again, that no one is coming to save me.  I felt despair and hopelessness and envisioned myself as a powerless two dimensional figure made out of paper.  I looked like a gumby figure made out of paper.  I couldn’t even stand on my own.  I felt powerless and helpless.

That is when I asked God for help.  I realized that I can’t get past this despair and struggling existence without God’s help.  It is not that I am a religious being, it is just that I felt so overwhelmingly helpless.  It was a terrible feeling, but  the control freak in me finally decided to let go of control and ask God for help.

In some weird way,   I feel that this new blog is God’s way of helping me to fulfill my purpose.   I have been writing various books and journals for years, but never did anything with them after my first book.  Once the first was rejected by a couple of publishers, I mentally gave up and  “went under.”   Whatever I wrote after that has remained safely in my computer.

One day my friend, Missy, suggested I write a blog.   I didn’t even know what a blog was, and ignored her.  After several more of her suggestions, I finally asked around to how I could start one. 

I started my first one about a month ago and felt like I was “coming out.”  It was scary, but since know one knew about it, it was basically safe for me.  This new blog is really “coming out of the closet”, so to speak.  I am embracing my fear and going to go for it.

I am exhilarated by this sense of adventure.  

Thanks again for listening.  You are a good friend!!!!!  (Really?  Really?  Said, with the Saturday Night Live sarcasm!!!!)  Yes, you are.  Anyone who has made it this far is a good friend.

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