Mad Mean Martha takes Revenge

5-17-12

True confessions of a closet blogger.  I actually just wrote a post on my “closet blog” because I didn’t want anyone to read it.  So much for truth, but it was the real me.

I think it’s time to introduce you to some of my other personalities.  I first discovered these “people” when I was joking around with my friends.  I did describe the discovery in my blogger.com blog, so I will keep this brief.

I always knew there were two sides of me: one was Happy Hilda who was the life of the party, fun, always up, full of possibility for the future and I would call her “Being on the Right Side”.  Then there was the “OTHER SIDE”.  She was negative, no energy, full of doom and gloom, nothing was going well, no hope, no light, no possibility for anything other than misery,

I tried to right about these two sides, but, again, it lies in one of my computers.  I thought it might be helpful to others.  When my friends realized we had these people inside us that basically beat ourselves up, we named them:  We had Stupid Stu who didn’t go to the doctors for 10 years and ended up with breast cancer so she was beating herself up.  We had Missy the Mistake who was the 5th girl in her family and her father always wanted a boy so that explains her.  And then there was me – Pathetic Patty.  Everything I do is wrong – everything.  I just can’t get it right.  Who could love this girl when I can’t stand her?

We had a good time naming these other people, but since then, I have discovered in myself – Bad Betty, Evil Evilyn, Passive Aggressive Pauline, and today’s special Mean/Mad Martha.  Well, I thought it was Bad Betty who wrote that other blog, but I think she teamed up with Mean/Mad Martha who I will call Triple M.

The reason Triple M and BB wrote the blog was because I just came out of a visit with my therapist.  I have seen her three times in an attempt to get out of my funk.  To figure out what exactly is wrong with me – Patty wanted to know. 

Today she suggested I go on medication.  Then she told him I had to get happy.  Then she objected to a word I used which, while I don’t blame her for asking me not to use the word (retard), I didn’t like the way she said it.

I silently decided to quit and not come back.  BUT, being the grown up that I have become, I actually told her that I didn’t like what she said.  AND, that I was going to cancel.

It was big of me to tell her because my mojo is to just run when it doesn’t feel safe.  Now, I am trying not to swear, but I will make an exception since I will put it in quotes.  I want to scream “DON’T FUCKING TELL ME TO BE HAPPY, BITCH!!!”   No one tells ME how to be.  FUCK YOU!!!!

She told me it’s time to stop running away from my critical parents.   I said (while crying) that it doesn’t feel safe anymore and I feel like I have to be (fucking) happy now to be there or she will want to medicate me.  She said it is safe.  When she asked if I would return, I said yes, but Bad Betty is telling me no f———–g way.

We will see.  If I have to go pay her and pretend to be happy, what is the point?  I told her I only tell her about the times where I need to work through something.  I am not always that way.  I guess, in all fairness, the 3 hours she has spent with me I have cried so much that I used up her tissues.

But, isn’t that why I am paying her?  So I can be myself without judgement?   I will have to think about this.

The reason why I went was to get out of this fog.  Not so I can go pretend to be happy.  I just have to sit with this one.  I don’t need another person telling me how to be.  I have enough that do it for free.

To fill you in, some people have a critical parent.  I had three growing up and now I have 5.  My mother, my father and my older sister were there to tell me what was wrong with me growing up.  Since marriage, I now have my husband and my thirteen year old daughter, who I have named Sybil for purposes of my blogs for obvious reasons.

This is what I need to work on.  Feeling confident in myself and my own decisions.  Not letting others send me to the other side and bringing out Patty who always agrees with every bad thing anyone says.  I need to have Confident Cathy be born.

Well, more later.  Sybil needs a ride from the bus stop.  She has a widdle cold and doesn’t feel good so I will be nice for once.  People Pleasing Pamela to the rescue.

Thanks for listening.  I don’t know what I figured out, but I feel better.