One Day at a Time – How to Get on the Right

23 Jun

6-23-12

Today at the gym I realized that – OK – hold on – I had typed a whole post and it has disappeared.  I guess I needed another shot at it.  I was uploading something for work and the computer must have crashed it.  Oy vay.

It is really hot out here.  I am just saying….I could go in, but I love the sun.  Back to work.  See you soon

OK, I am back.  I have to drive the kids somewhere.    Gotta get out of my sweaty bathing suit.  More later hopefully.

I’m back again….Jack just left to run to the library.  My brother, Joe, was here for about an hour, down from the north.  Very mellow visit.  He is going to Israel with the rest of the family for the Bat Mitzvah in one week.  I am home with Dad.  I am very nervous.  Joe said that Dad fell today and got all scraped up.  They are buying him, “I fell and I can’t get up.”  He is putting it together for him.  Oy vay.  It makes me nervous.

I am nervous about a lot of things – hitting my number this week, being responsible for Dad, having Jack read this, the ants all over the house bug me – hahahah – paying the bills – I mean, not anxious, I do not need drugs, thank you very much therapist, I just need to get present and stop worrying.  I used to have an exercise, let’s take the worst case scenario :

– I don’t hit the number, we sell the house, Dad – no I can’t go there, …..never mind, can’t do it right now……,

I am in a worry zone.  I will help myself. 

Next topic – gym activity:

Today at the gym I spoke to FB, SM, and DH.  SM played me his music which was very nice.  It was a nice conversation.  DH was his usual jerky self which was fun, yet annoying.

I approached FB and told him my next idea for a career.  Based on his craziness yesteryday, I thought he could coach teenagers similarly to  the people that the lacrosse team had.  He didn’t really get it.  It was like he was telling me to go work it out for him – excuse me – I am not your slave, dude, or your fucking geisha girl to follow you around. 

He really wasn’t getting what I was saying the attention and excitement that I had.  Even worse, during the conversation I was following him and he went to an area with all my guys.  So I was trying to have the conversation but it got lost in the crowd and I ended up feeling  like an idiot.   I walked away with one of my friends, never to go back.

What am I doing?  Why do I do this?  I did it with DH and SM.  Tried to give them ideas for careers.  It’s a pattern.  I think about it and get all excited and they don’t even give a shit.  To me, I guess I like to brainstorm.  It’s fun, but to them, they just aren’t in it with me.

I realized that I am always talking to him.  He doesn’t seek me out.  I am tired of chasing him around to talk to him.  It is dumb.  I was going to freaking ask him if he wanted to train for a tri-athlon with me.  Glad I didn’t.

I don’t know why I do this.  I am trying to be nice to Jack.  I realized that when he doesn’t listen to me or acts like I am bothering him, then I want to go away.  I want to find someone else.   Today I am glad I have Jack since I felt stupid after my interaction with FB.  What the fuck is wrong with me?  I guess it’s the old “no one can love me” so I feel it in every interaction where someone isn’t fawning over me or listening.  It is a hard way to live.  I go hot and cold very easily. 

I was trying to explain to Jack how there are certain things where I “feel” happiness – I will call it being on the “right”:

– making people smile

–  making people laugh

– acknowledging people

– working out

– reading

– empowering someone

– spending time with my children when we are getting along – the fighting is the opposite

– being listened to

– when someone is happy to see me

So, other times I am on the “left”. 

– worried about things – money, what I said, did I do something wrong, doubting myself

– afraid of things –

– confused over “what to do”

– when someone says something that I misinterpret

It is not a joyous, empowered life on the left.  It is a dead life. 

I want to bring more of the right into my life.  I want to do something that makes a difference for people.  I don’t know what that is.  One day at a time.

For example, I don’t feel passion with Jack.  I don’t feel excitement or fun with me, but, still, it is nice knowing someone is here.  Do I leave to find passion with the certainty?  Do I just try to feel better within this marriage since I made a commitment? 

This is terrible to admit, but part of me feels disloyal to my crushes if I enjoy being with Jack.  It’s like if they saw me with him they would know I’m not available.  Duh.  They already know.  I don’t even think they like me.  So, what the fuck am I worried about them for?  It is really odd, isn’t it, but it’s true. 

FB no sooner thinks about me than he does to eat cheese on the moon.  Why am I bending over backwards thinking up careers for him?  Why am I worried about him going crazy?  I feel like a dumb ass for chasing him around today, although it ended me up in my gang of guys.  I would rather hang out with guys than girls sometimes, but I think I annoy them.  I think with girls I am not invited, and with guys, they would rather be alone.  What does that say about me?

Dumb ass.  FB didn’t even remember what he said.  I just told him he was talking so crazy that I thought he could take that passion to the teenagers.  He has served for over 30 years just like the military.  He just wasn’t following my thoughts and there were too many people around.

One thing that he does, though, is that he had to do ten reps or he is a “pussy.”  I used to play those games with myself.  Interesting.   Well, I have no answers.  I have no plans.  This all just puts me to sleep.  It is very hot out.  Maybe I will take a little nap now that no one is bothering me.

So, Jack, if you are reading this it is at your own risk.  I am just trying to work things out so I am not a dead person.  I have alot in my mind that I am trying to get out so I can be free of myself.  I don’t want to be single.  I just want a passionate, fulfilled life.  I don’t know why I can’t be open with you, but….I know that I closed myself off when you ignored me and insulted me for so long.  I was just trying to protect myself.    I don’t know if I can be open again.   I am doing my best.   That’s all I can say.  I have to try to love myself and try to be loved.  For some reason that is not easy.   I am just being honest.  If I can’t love myself, I probably can’t be loved.  I will never be secure enough to give myself freely to someone.  I take every little thing personally.  It’s the way I am right now.  It’s automatic that it means someone doesn’t like me.

If I know the person well enough I can ask them.  I have liked my fantasy life since it is safe and in my head.  I don’t know if I can give it up.  I suppose it doesn’t matter who is the person since it is not real anyway.  I could call the fantasy person anything.  It’s when I take it to the person and talk to them like I do in my head that I realize I am slightly out of control and I feel really stupid like today. 

Well, I am tired and I think I will go lie down.  Thanks for listening.  I am not editting.  I just need to close my eyes for a minute.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: