I GUESS MARRIAGE KEEPS ME SAFE………Is that good or bad?

23 Jun


Friday Night and I ain’t got nobody.  I am beginning to think I have a problem.  I am home alone again, but not really , Chad is here with his friends.  Jack is out reffing and Sybil is out with her friends.  Where are my friends?

I guess I am happy at home, drinking my wine, typing on my computer and getting ready to go to bed so I can get up and go to the gym. 

Today I had the weirdest conversation with FB.  It was like he was really crazy.  I told him I was in a funk and he said, WHAT?  And I repeated it.  He got this manic look in his eyes and said very passionately and strangely as if he wasn’t talking to me:

– If you need more money, MAKE IT!!  If you are in a bad relationship, FIX IT.  I can’t remember what else, but it was like 3 more things……….He had this wild look about him and it actually motivated me to snap out of my funk.  I was just mezmerized by him.

Then I asked him how he was, and he put the L on his forehead and said, “I am a loser.”  I said, ” No you are not.”  AND he said, “I’m a loser.” and I told him to get back here and I would kick him in the ass.  He was already walking away with his bag.  I know his schedule.  I have been coming in later because I don’t have to get back for the bus anymore so I miss him most of the time.  BUT,………that’s ok.  Sometimes he isn’t even there.  I don’t know how late he comes, but…..I haven’t seen him every day like last week.

Whenever I have a whole conversaton for him I don’t see him or I don’t get the opportunity.  Oh well.  God is protecting me from making a fool out of myself, I guess.   I still “love” him and envision us as True Loves and spending the rest of our lives together.

Funny, isn’t it, that I felt this way about DH last year for no apparent reason other than my fantasy mind.  FB has given me no encouragement except to say I am a good friend for listening to him and that was a couple of weeks ago.  He is in the phase of basically ignoring me.  It seems that when these ass holes get close, they then pull away.  It could be weeks before we have a conversation…..And, silly me, thinks that is TRUE LOVE.  Whatever, I guess.  I am kind of stupid.  BUT, I am married as Frondy says on Saturday Night Live.  And, as sucky as my marriage is, it keeps me safe from rejection.  Who can reject me?  I am safe and bored and unhappy, but no one can really hurt me.

That is stupid.  Not to risk is not to live, but I actually have no reason to think that he thinks anything about me except in my fucked up mind.  AND, he is an ex-junky and has a dog.  I don’t really mind the ex-junky, it’s the dog and the fact that he would never be home that I would mind.  Plus, that he doesn’t drink so what does one do which is a sad statement.  On the other hand, it would probably be healthier for me NOT to drink as much or at all.  I might lose some fucking weightage.

I don’t know what happened last August to make me stop losing weight.  I think it was that I was so close and so I got focussed on the pounds.   My whole life got wrapped up in the pounds instead of just doing the right thing.  Well, I think I have lost doing the right thing as I drink my third glass of wine.  For dinner I had carrots, snap peas, hummus and chips.   Do I win the healthy award or the Fat Alcoholic Award?  Let’s go with the FAA!!!!  YEAH!!!  Come over here and win your prize, missy……

Stuey the girl taught me our Loser handshake again today.  It is good.  It was brought on by FB’s LOSER pronouncement.  Why do I even like him?  I think because he is crazy like me.  Driven, passionate, hard on himself, and authentic.  He speaks the truth.  He doesn’t tolerate bull shit.  I have a new career for him. 

It’s funny because I see such similarities with last year’s stalking of DH.  I call DH “Sunshine”.   I knew his schedule and moved my routine accordingly.   I knew DH’s cars and where he parked, but I don’t know FB’s car at all.  I have never seen him get out of one or into one, not for lack of trying to see.  I think he drives away underneath the overhanging parking lot.  What else?  Oh, with DH I knew if his car was there because I knew where he parked.  With FB I know whether his bag is there or not.  Only once did he not have his bag.  I was not stalking him at all and he came and stretched with me.  That was the day he told me his secret and it was awesome.

My love language is sharing.  If I can speak and be heard and if someone shares with me.  I am feeling the love.  When FB has done that, it works.  Lately he hasn’t and I feel unloved. 

Forget Jack.  He can’t listen.  All he does is lecture, conjecture and philophosize.  It is not interesting to me.  I like to talk about feelings and people and such.  He does not.  I guess we don’t have much to talk about.  It is kind of sad, but oh well.  I am safe from rejection.  What if I was available and so in love with FB and he never made a move, or worse, he pursued me and once conquered, I was attached and he was done.

Marriage keeps me safe, sorry to say.  A sad, but truthful admission.

I think no one will ever read this.  I haven’t read the how to’s or instruction book.  I would rather read a story than an instruction manual.  Maybe one day when I have a real reason.   These little journals help me to express myself and don’t bore the listener since they are all about ME, ME, ME!!!!

Since no one is reading them, I don’t need to edit them or figure out what I am REALLY trying to say. 

Right now I am reading a bunch of books by Kristen Hannah.  They are good books about different life situations, but some are hard topics and make me a little crazy.  I think I will go read now rather than do Quickbooks or try to edit this.

Thanks for understanding.  What should I name this?  OK, got it.  Thanks also for listening.







I moved to the front of the gym




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