My Worst Nightmare Came True – Well, What Can I Say?

7-1-12

Read at your own risk.  I have to say that now.  My blog was finally read, so that’s good, but guess who read it?  You guessed it, Jack.

He woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me we needed to talk.  I was sound asleep and needed to get up to work out in a couple of hours, so my first thought was that couldn’t this wait?  But then I realized he must be pretty upset. 

He doesn’t like my “chronicling” my activities at the gym.  Well, more importantly, he doesn’t like that I have activities at the gym to chronicle.    It was a tough couple of hours which left me very tired and frustrated. 

First of all, this is my private place to write.  This is where I vent.  This is not reality, just how I feel at a particular moment.  It lets me get it out because I realize that I am pretty clammed up with the outside world.  I have run out of people that can listen to this shit.  It just sounds like I am complaining, but really it is a purging.  I think it is healthier than keeping it in AND, it prevents me from dumping it on others.  It isn’t real stuff, it’s just thoughts.   I guess I have learned throughout my life not to say certain things to certain people because of the reaction I get.

I don’t like conflict and I don’t like being on the defensive which is what I certainly was that night.  I have not written because I have been afraid that Jack will read it.  BUT, I have decided to be brave and forge on.  I can’t pretend to be someone I am not.

So, let’s chronicle:  FB wasn’t there yesterday and he was there today and I said hi.  I have decided that his taking a break last week from working out was personal (even though I am sure it had nothing to do with me) and I am moving on.  AS IF there was actually something going on.  I did have a conversation with SM in front of him, not on purpose, but because he was asking me about my work and I had to be polite.  I had asked him to show me the back stretch again because my back was cramping up again.

So, now I am concerned that I didn’t talk to FB.  Why I ask?  I know it doesn’t matter, but it is my current obsession.  So, Jack, it is virtually meaningless.  It just means it is easier to think about that then about how I have not a dollar in my bank account and I have no gas in the car.  How we could start using credit cards again and be even more fucked financially.  How my sister and mother are on their way to Israel for my niece’s Bat Mitzvah and we are so fucking broke that it wasn’t even a vague possibility.   That I am the fucking poor/broke sibling that isn’t even asked to contribute to gifts because everyone knows we are so fucked.

I know things can change, but this just gets to me somehow.  “Well, make more money.”   Ok, ass hole, I really should, but I hate sales and calling people that don’t want to hear from me.  I hate when people are mean, and, I have to say, I am just so tired and frustrated and just wanting to sleep it all away.  I don’t feel like a fighter in the sales sense.  This week I was totally panicked that I wouldn’t make my numbers.  I was paralyzed by fear and powerlessness.  I felt physically ill last Thursday and didn’t do much of anything useful at all.

I can always take calls from clients and even call resumes, but making calls for new business, I am just fucking stuck.  I have called some existing accounts and haven’t made any progress so I feel like I am doing it wrong and therefore don’t want to do more.  I should just ask for help, but I feel too damn lazy.

I also feel like FB and I used to be friends, and we haven’t had any good talks since our schedules don’t match anymore.  AND, one of the last times I talked to him, he sort of went crazy like I was just complaining, even though I just said I was in a funk.  So, I am a little hesitant to be real with him anymore and that was what made it a nice friendship.   Like it was a brief friendship thing.  Why?  Why don’t I have friends for longer?  Is it me?  It is them?  I don’t really know.

Right now I am hot even though I am in the air conditioned library.  Is it another fucking menopausal hot flash?  These really suck.  You get really hot and soaking wet for no apparent reason and it feels like you enter hell at random times throughout the day.

I was going to pretend I wasn’t chronicalling so Jack wouldn’t know, but I decided that if he wants to read this, that’s his problem.  It is like reading someone’s diary.     Well, I have dragged Sybil into the library against her will and she is coming over now so I guess I will sign off.  Thanks for listening.  It feels better than keeping it in.

PS  She is reading next to me.  On a good note, although it was unpleasant, Jack knows more about me than he did before and he is being very nice.  He didn’t like the part where I said he didn’t care, and he is being really nice.  He is listening and paying attention which were my main complaints so things are much better.  I am still holding on to a little fantasy life on some level, but not like I was before.  He wants me to say nice things to him but I am not quite there yet.

I haven’t let go of my safety net of the fantasy life yet, but I am not holding on as tight.  He was suggesting that I write a book about how I fell back in love with my husband.  I don’t know if I know how – to write a book, I mean.  I like to journal, but writing a book seems like a lot of work that I don’t know how to do.  So, we will see………to be continued.

Again, Jack, if you are reading this, don’t wake me up in the middle of the night disturbed.  I really do go to the gym to work out.  I am sorry if you are jealous, but on some level, it certainly did let you know my real and true feelings………..guess I can write them but not say them.  I don’t know why, but I have always been able to put things down in writing that I would never have the ability to say out loud.  So, maybe this isn’t all bad.  Time will tell.  Thanks for putting up with me.