I’M BA—ACK!!!! A little wary, but still being brutally honest!!!!!

8 Jul


I am typing out in the sun so I can’t see what I am doing very well.  It is hot, but there is a little breeze.  Since our air conditioner has been broken since Hurrican Irene last summer ( I think it was her), we have no A/c.  Since the temperatures have been high 90’s and humid, let’s just say I am sweating alot and feel like I am in a perpetual hot flash.

I thought I was having them alot, but I think it is mainly the heat.  Not all of it, but alot of it.  I will feel the heat through the back of my neck and arms, and then I break out into a sweat.  It is really quite a lovely sensation.  I have been changing my clothes alot.

Well, my mom and sister and brothers are still in Israel.  I am in charge of Dad and that is going ok.  We had his 88th birthday party on Friday night and that was very nice.  My aunts and uncles came and were very nice and loving to my Dad.  He enjoyed the attention. 

I havcn’t blogged since Jack read my stuff.   He was all over me for a few days and angry.  Well, I don’t blame him for being angry, but I do blame him for getting into my personal stuff.   That’s why I put disclaimers on everything.  Don’t read if it will get you upset. 

I haven’t wanted to write anything becuase I was still thinking about FB .  He is my escape hatch mentally.  The truth is he hasn’t been around and so there is nothing to report.   I do think about him, but as I dissect my thoughts, I wonder what is the point?  What has he done that makes me so attached? 

– He shared himself.  He listened.  He gave me a few compliments.  AND, he is in great shape. 

– However, I think the rest is in my mind.  I know it is.  If I want to talk to him I have to go up to him pretty much.  He is a “D” and so very focussed on what he is doing.  Like me when I am a “D”.  Even if he did feel anything for me, I’m sure he realizes that I am not available so my theory is that he has backed off to separate himself.  That makes me feel a little better than if it was all iny brain.  Just like DH.  I think he may have felt some affinity for me, but I KNOW I made all that stuff up,  I was totally out of control a year ago before the hurricane in my mind with DH.  I really was so attached and in a fantasy.  SO, the good news is that I can recover from it. 

– I like FB and feel for him since he confided in me.  BUT, I don’t want to bother him.  When I need to think about a safe place, I guess it is in my crushes.  It is a way to think that someone cares about me and loves me.  Jack keeps telling me I need to love myself.  Well, if I did, I wouldn’t need the crushes, but they are like a safety. 

– After my talks with Jack after he read this blog, I thought about letting go of my thoughts about FB.  I just didn’t want to let go.  It was like when I was still eating and thought about letting go of my security blanket of food.  The little me inside would scream, “NO – YOU CAN’T TAKE AWAY MY ONLY FRIEND.”   I guess food was my friend back then.  I couldn’t let go of my Friday nights.  I would be good all week and then, Friday, life would still suck and I would grab the nachos and margaritas or pizza and beer or just a good old bag of chips with hummus.

– It didn’t matter so why shouldn’t I have?  The problem was the 40 pounds I gained.  I am only down 25 of them, but I guess I look much better and I am in pretty damn good shape since I am an over-exercising maniac.

– I am sitting on my deck on the sun couch with the computer on a table between my legs and my legs spreadeagle on a chair on one side and a table on the other.  Very attractive.  It is starting to get uncomfortable.   OK, I got one leg down.  Much better.  I am definately sweating out here but there is a nice breeze at times.

– Yesterday Chad and I played in a parent/child tennis tournament.  Neither of us had played for two years.  We sucked.  We didn’t get one freaking game.  The competitive – win only – side of me was not feeling real good.  I had to tell the people that we hadn’t played in all that time so justify our suckiness.   AND, it was so hot that you really didn’t feel like moving.  So fucking hot. 

– Why haven’t I mentioned Jack?  I was really mad at him, BUT, he has really taken on making our marriage work.  He is reading and listening to men talk about how to please a woman sexually AND how to have an extraordinary marriage.   He is starting to melt my wall of protection.  I am actually enjoying myself.  A part of myself is still wanting to be “loyal” to my fantasy and hold out, but the other me is enjoying myself.  I like the attention, being desired, massaged, and acknowledgement.  He is getting who I am and that is directly because, I think, that he read this blog.

– In this blog, I am real and unabashed and freely speaking.  In the real world I hold back for fear of upsetting somebody.  I am free in this blog and that is why I enjoy writing so much.  I like letting my fingers speak for me.  I wouldn’t say these things out loud for fear that they would upset someone OR, more importantly, they wouldnt be interested.  

– So, it’s been a journey.  I was too mad to write, but since I like it, I will continue.  If Jack reads this again, he will do it at his own risk.  AND, while it may hurt him, I told him this is my process and I have to figure out why I need my crushes.  He doesn’t like that I watch them at the gym, but I have to just say, TOO FUCKING BAD.  For now, this is where I am.  I watch a lot of people.  There is only one I am hung up on, AND, I am deciphering out why I need him.  It’s not like I know him very well.  It is just what is in my imagination.  So, this is where I am and I am not going to apologize for the truth.  If I think it but don’t write it, I am still thinking it.  That is my truth as of now.  Yes, I still think about FB alot.  I don’t know why, I just do.  It doesn’t mean there is anything going on with him, it just means I think about him.  He wasn’t there yesterday or today, and I didn’t talk to him Thursday or Friday.  Wednesday I didn’t see him so I guess our last conversation was Tuesday. 

– I do have other friends there, like IT, DH, SM, TJ, and the old farts.  They are nice.  There are also girls that I enjoy talking to.  As you take classes, you meet people that way as well.  If I am ever alone, I will have to remember that.  It is relaxed and I am not desperate to meet people. 

So, Jack, if you are reading this, please don’t wake me up in the middle of the night.  Nothing is going on that you need to be worried about.  I understand that you want to be the one I talk to and confide in, so I guess this is my way of doing it, but you may not like some of it.  Read at your own risk.

It kind of pissed me off that you were commenting on my blog.  Not for any rational reason, but it was like you were trying to get in on “MY THING.”  Because, I don’t think your intentions were pure.  You need to look and see if that’s true.   It’s sort of like peeing on your territory and I am sorry that I have made you so insecure and untrusting that you need to do that.   My apologies, but a part of me still wants another life at times.  You may too.  It doesn’t mean I am leaving, just that I need an escape hatch should things look bad.  Not to use, but to think I have if that makes sense.

Anyway, time to go.  I am too damn hot and my still straddled one leg is beginning to cramp.

Thanks for listening.




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