Tired Either Way – Makes Me Tired to Think About It

17 Aug


I was typing before and my internet went crazy and I lost it.  Oy vay.  Whatever did I say? I’ll do highlights:

– inhibited to write since Jack is reading it

– kids are away – very nice – less stress – feel bad that I like it

– my mother asks too many questions and I feel bad that I get frustrated with her.  Guilt guilt guilt.  I told her not to get upset about how Chad will get back from New Jersey until we have the facts.  She was insulted.  So, either I listen and feel guilty for being frustrated, or I say something and feel guilty for saying something. 

Jack actually helped me with the guilt thing last week.  I was just “tired.”  The reason I was tired was because I was in a lose-lose situation.  If someone asks me to do something and I say no, I feel bad.  If I say yes when I don’t want to, I resent them and do the thing grudgingly.  Either way I lose.   Either way I feel bad.

I never thought I could say no.  It doesn’t go with my “needing people to like me” shtick that I have.  I can’t just trust my instincts since something is wrong with me.  I am lazy, boring, etc. in my mind, so I don’t trust my own instincts and always think I should do something even though my feeling is not to.

We discussed a time when I was with this guy and it was late and cold out and he wanted to go out and look at the stars.  It was the last thing I wanted to do, I was tired and warm inside his house.  But, I went anyway and just resented it and thought there was something wrong with me for not wanting to go.  I don’t know why I remembered it, but it came to mind when I was discussing how tired I was.   I remember thinking either way it was a lose.   It just makes me tired to think about it.

Phew – thought I lost all my typing again.  This is disjointed because I am making calls while I type so I keep forgetting where I am.  I am getting tired with this topic.  I was up at 5:00 AM today.  Saw FB and congratulated him on being clean for 8 years.  I said I would have brought in a cake but brought in a vegetable platter yesterday instead to celebrate.  He was glad that I brought it up, but why did I need to tell him that?  I didn’t really bring them in and I told him that I actually did think about it.

Later he walked by my spinning class  without looking in or waving.  Why do I care?  This thing  just wiped away some typing again.  Very weird.  So, why do I care?  I guess I need a crush to keep me safe.  It’s not about him.  I would be a very bad influence on him. 

Last night I drank a rum drink and then had some wine.  I felt sick at night.  Took motrin in the middle of the night.  Yuck.  Time for a nap.  We have to drive to Pennsylvania tonight to get Sybil.  Then Chad comes home on Sunday.  It’s been nice I have to say, and, of course, I feel bad about it.

The tired thing hits when I think I can’t say what I really want to do or say.  It has to do with being unlovable and trying to be who I think they want me to be which sucks.  You can never know and it is just tiring trying to always be someone other than who I am.  If I could just trust my instincts, I’d be ok.

Why did I have to tell that to FB?  So I would appear wonderful I guess.  BUT, did I appear to be too much?  Again, why do I care?  Guys don’t think that much, so I am wasting my neuroses. 

I am getting out of this office.  Gotta go take a nap.



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