Just Catching Up – A Little of This, A Little of That

8-13-12

We’ve been busy actually making money although i messed up something over the weekend.  I have so much to do I am in my head feeling overwhelmed and not present, but,….hopefully we will pull through the next few weeks without screwing up too bad.’

I am sort of afraid to put stuff down for fear that it will get read by the only person that reads these – my husband.  We have been travelling together for work and yesterday we had a talk.  I am still not open and passionate with him like I am with my fantasy men or how i was with SM.

I think i am afraid to be vulnerable.  Sometimes Jack is scary and I don’t want to be opening up to someone who can attack me on a random basis.  Maybe for someone else it wouldn’t seem like an attack, but for me, it does. 

I feel guilty that I haven’t been with my kids.  I am torn between them and work.  This is an opportunity to actually make money for a change so i don’t feel like I can ignore it.  I feel alot of pressure and it’s not so good.

Plus I signed up for the damn triathlon which is adding pressure.  I actually didn’t go to step class today.  That was a big deal.  I stayed home and called resumes and now I will go for a swim.  I am out on the deck sweating, so it will feel good.

Well, I better go.  Just wanted to update you a little even though I am ALWAYS feeling rushed for time.  Tomorrow I can catch up on all my little stuff.  Chad is away with friends, and Sybil might go away with my sister, so hopefully I won’t feel too too guilty ALL THE TIME. 

I realized that often I feel like I am “fucked” either way.  If I do something I am fucked and if i don’t do something I am fucked.  I don’t just say no and not suffer as Jack says.  I suffer with either decision, always feeling bad.  Since I am tired of feeling bad, I am going to let that one go.

I did hear sometihg about emotional attachments on the marriage fitness CD.  Definately.  I do have them and have had them since October 31, 2010.  I have had them for protection against Jack’s outbursts and periods where he pays me no attention.  He has had one with a sport – hockey.  That is where he goes.  I am not justifying myself, it’s just that he started it way before I ever did.

Ok, my stomach is rolling over my shorts and I am grossed out.  Gotta go swim for my triathlon.  I haven’t gone in the real water yet, but I will in two weeks.  I keep putting it off.  Oh well.  Who cares?  I will talk later.

PS  I finally got the bicycle I am borrowing.  I was scared to ride it at first because the seat was too high.  Oy vay.  What the fuck am I doing?