9-5-12I hav…

5 Sep



I have a couple of minutes left to sit in a client’s office so I will take the time to put in an entry.  I don’t know what I will say, but……here goes….

I am nervous about the triathlon which is coming up in 5 days.  I am not doing well at the running part at all.  It hurts and I hate every minute of it, but……I did it anyway.  I didn’t double the 2.2 miles, but I did a few tenths more.  I just couldn’t wait to get off that *&*%*(% treadmill.

Yesterday at weight watchers, even though  I was down .6, I am still a few up from a few weeks ago and I cried and told them how negative I am AND how very frustrated I am.  I told them I was doing a triathlon and they were all impressed and didn’t know why I was negative.  My goal is to focus on the positive.  AND, I added that I would not use weekly points for alcohol during the week.  If I don’t have any daily points left, I will not have a drink.  I have lasted one day.  YEAH!!!!  I don’t really need the extra points, so let’s see how it goes.

We are crunching to get an associate over her Fireball award.  We have pumped lots of premium her way.  The stress if that we don’t get the money back if we don’t get her over the amount.  It needs to process and be issued within 2 days.  I wake up thinking about the numbers and it is stressful and exhilarating at the same time.  I am sitting at one of the bus companies until noon today.  I may actually go in my car after this and take a nap.  Don’t tell anyone. 

I need to recruit for my position and I am way down.  I actually make calls while I am driving which is very dangerous since I am then not looking at the road.  Don’t tell anyone.  Then I am stopping by a clients to sell a little life insurance on the way home.  Jack is out trying to get the last few thousand that she needs.

No  FB today.  Yesterday he was in rare form.  I hadn’t seen him for a while.  I told him about the Success Principles book.  He said he loves to read and reads books every night.  I was shocked.  He said that Ernie of all people told him it was a way to escape his life.

5 minutes left – I am about to fall asleep.  I am not used to these 4:30 AM wake – ups since there was a 3 day weekend.  I feel like I am crashing right now.  Well, time to pack up.  Nothing unusual except that the exercises in the Success Principles book are not easy.  Imagine how you want your life to do if there were no obstacles.

I used to do this exercise back when we were in Amway, but I gave up and got cynical (sp).  So, digging out these dreams again and dusting them off is not easy.  I know one is a passionate, loving relationship to a husband that I love and cherish.  Another is to weight between 130 and 135 and be fit and healthy.  To have clothes that look great and are comfortable as well as are stylish and I love them.  A home on the water that I am proud of – where I can entertain (if I want to) is uncluttered and feels great to be in and look at. 

OK, enough,….my eyes are clothing.  I must escape.


She Snapped Me Out of My Funk and For That I am GRATEFUL

21 May

5-18-12  She Snapped Me Out of My Funk and For That I am GRATEFUL

Well, I fired the therapist today.  I will copy the letter I wrote to her so I don’t have to re-explain why.  Here it is:

I have decided to cancel next week’s appointment and all future appointments.
I appreciate what you have done for me.  You were very helpful and yesterday snapped me out of my funk.  I feel great and I am excited.  Since that was why I went to you,  in my  mind, we were both successful.
I just realized that I do not want to be medicated and I am not someone who needs to be medicated.   I merely had an issue that I wanted to work on.  The way you were talking to me made me realize that I have enrolled you in something that I don’t want to be anymore.  A confused, pathetic, anxious, confused, pathetic (repeated for a purpous) medication-needing person. 
It made me realize that I am done being that person or feeling like that person.  People Pleasing Pamela is done.  Powerful Peggy is here. 
It was just the right kick in the butt that I needed, even though I think it was accidental.
I don’t want to be that person anymore.  Today I feel great and I am excited about the future however it turns out, it will be the way it is supposed to be and I don’t need to know the answer right now. 
End of letter.
I feel free.  I feel like I am back.  I realize that I was trapped in a bad place.  I had no energy,  and had become a confused victim, questioning everything and making everything into a big deal.   It caused the following:
– I was not speaking up for myself.
–  My confidence was gone
– I doubted everything I did
– I doubted my ability to do anything
– If someone spoke rudely or harshly I felt I deserved it and blamed myself
– If someone said something I disagreed with, I would not argue
When I went to the therapist, I can see that I was upset, talking about things that upset me, and seemingly tortured about whether to stay in my marriage or not.   I can see that I didn’t present a “strong image”, but I wasn’t trying to.  I was trying to get “unfunked.”
 In retrospect, when I went to the therapist the first day, she made a comment that didn’t sit well with me, but, of course,  I didn’t say anything.    The second meeting was the same – a couple of comments that didn’t work.   When I went the third time, the medication comment was the last straw.    I realized that the kind doctor was talking to me like I was a naughty child who needed to be reprimanded:   “don’t say this word,”  “don’t say this”, “how much do you drink?” etc., I realized I just didn’t like her and didn’t want someone “in my bizness” and telling me what to do or say.  Rather than being empowered, validated, and supported, I was being questioned, ordered, and insulted.  I don’t have to pay for that.  I wouldn’t even want that for free, quite frankly.  I decided not to continue. 
Don’t get me wrong – IT WAS WORTHWHILE AND VERY VALUABLE.  Why, you ask, if she was talking to you that way?
Because as I said in my letter, when I realized who she was talking to – a pathetic, anxious, problem person – it was like a light bulb going off!!   If that’s who I’ve been acting like, I AM DONE.  I no longer want to be that person.  I AM DONE!!!!!
Yes, I have different moods.  Yes, I was upset about certain things.  Yes, I am trying to decide whether to stay in my marriage, BUT, ….I am ok.  I am a strong, intellingent, fairly attractive, fun, accomplished, talented, athletic woman.  I am healthy.  I DON’T NEED MEDICATION.  I am ok having feelings and emotions.  They are a PART OF LIFE.  If she was looking at me like I was “troubled,” and needed to be “HAPPY”?    I didn’t want to be that person.  I don’t want to be that person.  I don’t want to be listened to like that person.
“Don’t tell me I have to be happy, lady”   (Said in a gay Spanish accent with my finger waving – guy from Legally Blond – “Don’t stamp your last year’s Prada’s at me, honey).   I will be happy when I want to be happy.  Part of my anger is “don’t tell me how to be.”  That is one of my issues.  I was told as a child “not to be upset.”  I was upset sometimes and told not to be.  So when I was upset (anyway)  I thought there was something REALLY wrong with me and didn’t tell anyone.  Who was I going to tell?  My parents?  They would just say “don’t be upset.” 
So, to make myself feel better, I would eat or do something else to distract myself.    Now that I can allow myself to feel my feelings –  sadness, anger, frustration, etc., – it is a great thing and I rejoice that I can do it and BE OK WITH IT.  I can feel what I feel without having to medicate myself with food or alcohol or men or sex or sunburning myself………It’s great. 
Now, SHE’S  talking about medicating me with drugs so I don’t HAVE  to feel?  I am sorry I am on a soapbox, but…….THAT IS GOING BACKWARDS FOR ME.
I can deal with my real emotions.  They may hurt or be painful, but they are real.  If I am medicated and have emotions, I don’t even know what they are.  That thought pushes a naturally paranoid or sensitive person (me) over the edge.  Then I don’t know what’s real vs what’s medication. 
In closing, I want to talk to someone who validates me and my feelings.  I want to feel ok.  That is VERY important to me.  Also, someone who lifts me up towards greatness, not down towards “yes, you do have problems.”    Patty already tells me there is something REALLY wrong with me and I don’t need to encourage her.
“That being said,” I will work out my marriage issue another way.     I will move on and Communicate.  The one thing she did help with was when a friend of mine, code name, DH for Dick Head, was nasty.  I was blaming myself for “bothering” him, but the doctor said that “he was rude.” 
 WOW!!!  I thought.  It actually wasn’t my fault.  Think of all the times I have blamed myself when people were just darn rude.  That was an aha moment for me in a big way.    I could actually say something like “what’s your problem?” instead of sulking away like an embarassed, hurt two year old.
In the end, it was all perfect.  She got me mad enough to snap out of the funk and that was the whole point of the therapy.  I wanted to know what was wrong with me and I figured it out.  NOTHING – ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.  So, in the end, thank you to her.  I am BACK!!!!!!!  That is a wonderful, priceless gift.
Thanks for listening.