Reminding myself why

22 Mar

I have filed for divorce and it may happen in a couple of weeks.  Someone asked me why it took me so long.  What am I holding onto?  I have been thinking about it and this is what I can come up with for now.

For years I made my soon to be ex husband wrong.  Blamed him for all my problems.  Everything was his fault.  It was easier  because then I didn’t have to take responsibility for my life.   I didn’t have to do anything.  Easier to just sit and wait for him to change.  I waited desperately for him to become what I wanted him to be.

But, finally, my daughter pointed out that nothing had changed since she was born.  I was fooling myself and to stop thinking anything was ever going to be different.  Wow.  Wisdom from the young.

So I had a decision to make.  Put up with that life and shut up, or do something about it.

I started taking actions.  Making my own money, separating our money, doing what I wanted to do, making friends, creating communities, following my passion, and finally, filing for divorce.

I am sad and wish I didn’t have to break up our family, but we can still be a family. Just a different one. I hate to leave the “family home,” but I can make a new one where my children feel welcome and safe and home.

I am scared and have been focusing on only the negative outcomes of my decision, but today, I have decided to create a new future that empowers and excites me instead.

I need to remember I am strong.  I have dreams.  I am going after them.  I will not back down.

And, I want to remember all this when I am freaking out and wondering what I have done to my life.  That’s why I am writing this.  To remind myself why.

Thank you.

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