Cracking the shell

I am taking a seminar and we have to pick a project to work on.

I was going to choose relationships, but I realized I have some other stuff to work on.  I’ve been through a lot the past few years – divorce, moving out, my kids going off to college, my rental being over in a couple of months, and most importantly, my dad’s death two months ago.

I realized that I’ve been stressed out and panicked.  From worry.  I’ve been obsessing about all kinds of crazy things  – when to wake up, what workout to do, what to wear, how is my mom, where did my dad go, are my kids ok, did I say the wrong thing.  My mind is constantly in a panic.  And, on top of that,  I’ve kept myself very busy, running from morning to night.  And, when I finally crash into bed, I can’t sleep.

No wonder I’ve been exhausted.

I hired a coach to help me with my relationship issues and to get me off this crazy wheel of torture.  He asked me why I wanted a relationship. What would be present if I had one?

“Happiness,”  I said.

“And if you were happy for the next two weeks until our next call, what would be possible?”  he asked.

I thought about it for a few minutes.  “I could be connected with people.  What matters to me is passion, love and connectedness.  I’ve been too busy to connect with the people I love – my mother, sisters, kids.  It could be a whole new world.”

And it made me think about things.

So yesterday, Saturday morning, instead of running off to the gym early when I was at my mother’s, I stayed until noon.  I helped her with her computer and I made her happy by signing up for JDate.  I didn’t want to sign up, but she was having so much fun that I did it.  I am still tempted to cancel it and get my money back, but I couldn’t do that to her.  So, I’m on it for now.  And she was happy.

I went to the gym later then usual and I survived.  Instead of rushing home, I went to see my friend, Renee, who I hadn’t seen in months.  We took a walk around her new neighborhood and had caught up on things.  It was very enjoyable.

Then, later that night, I went out with two girlfriends that I used to work with.  I hadn’t been out socially for months.  And I have to admit, I almost said no to all of them so I could just hide in my little cottage like I had been doing.   It was a breakthrough for me to force myself to go out.  And it was very nice to see my friends again.

Today, Sunday, I got up early, went to the gym and had a great workout.  I met a sweet little  widower named Vince who decided to take me under his wing.  He told me how to work out.  (I let him.  I was tempted to tell him I’m not a beginner and to stop telling me what to do, but instead, I kept my mouth shut and let him talk.  He was very nice and probably lonely.  And, afterwards I realized that I did learn some new things to do and ways to do things and again, felt a connection to another human being).

Then I rushed to meet Renee for breakfast.  Part of me wondered why I had scheduled this breakfast when I could have been relaxing at home like I usually do on the weekend.  But I had to admit to myself that when I don’t have anywhere to go and sleep late, I feel groggy, lonely, and depressed.  By the evening, I am eating and drinking to numb my feelings.  That could explain the extra five to eight extra pounds I am wearing.

I walked into Renee’s neighborhood little restaurant.  It was crowded with people.  The son of the owners was playing the guitar.  There was energy in the air.  And Renee and I had a great time.  It felt like I was in the world again.  It felt so much better to be surrounded by people instead of hiding alone in my cottage.

So, my possibility is now Happiness, Connection and Being present.  And, my project will involve getting out in the world and also being more consistent writing my blog.  I still need to create an intention and measurable results for the project, but I’m relaxing about discovering it instead of upset because I haven’t figured the right answer out yet.

If I meet a guy, great.  If not, I am already happy.  Just being connected to people again has given me that happy feeling.  It’s like magic.

And it all started with my five smiles to a new life.  I can smile again.  I can push my hair off my face so people can see my eyes.  I can enjoy my new make-up and play with how to use it.  I can take more care of how I look again.

And, I know the five pounds I have gained in the last few stressful months will come off.  I am actually loving my little belly for the first time in my whole life.  I know I looked better a year ago, but I can still love myself five pounds heavier and that’s a breakthrough right there.  The panic is gone.

This week I also learned that when I feel “out of control,”  I go into a mind altering panic mode and can not think clearly.  When I bought the make-up I felt out of control.  When I hired the coach I felt out of control.

But I’m not.  I am 57 years old and I can trust myself.  I am smart.  I know what I’m doing.  I’ve been through a hell of a lot in the past couple of years and I have survived.  I can have compassion for myself and allow my emotions to surface without judgement.

I don’t need a guy to be happy.  I’d love to have a partner in life to travel with, empower each other, and share a passionate loving life, but I’m ok right now.  I can wait until it feels right.  There’s no more panic about being alone.  Because I’m not.  I’m surrounded by a whole world of people and all I have to do is smile.

I feel like I’ve put a little crack in the shell that I’ve been hiding under.  And I think I’m ready to come out into the world again.