Freedom

27 Mar

I was trying to sleep and my heart was racing.  What now?  I thought.

I had thought I had figured out my project.  Passion, love and connected-ness.

And the name was Authentic Self-Expression.

So why was I so nervous?  Because the milestones were to publish 12 blogs.  Great.

But when I was talking to someone from my seminar, he told me I should have it be so many people responding to the blog.

NO!!  I screamed inside my head. That means people will have read it.

Another friend wanted to know the name of the blog.  I didn’t want to tell him.

So why write a blog?  He asked.  Why not write a private diary?

Good question.  I thought about it.

Why was I so afraid for people to read this?

All I can think is that I have lived a life of pleasing people.  Learning to say the right thing.  Being good.  Not making people mad.  I don’t like conflict.

And, this blog is the real me.  The real person inside.  The way I really think.  The struggles I go through.  My authentic self.

And only those very close to me know this me.  The ones that don’t judge.  The ones that don’t make me feel bad for thinking this way or saying these things.

And I have a thing that I bother people.  That they don’t want to listen to me.  That no one can love the real me.

Only in my fantasies can people love the real me.  I can be myself and they still love me in la-la land.

So having people read this terrifies me.  Because it’s the real me in real life.

That’s why I was lying in bed with my heart racing.

The thought of someone reading my blog and knowing the real me makes me feel like I will die.  My fake, pleasing cover will have been blown.  I’m not the nice, good girl I pretend to be.  I have nasty thoughts and I worry all the time.  My nature is negative and I mostly see the bad.  I struggle to see the good alot of the time.   I’m the opposite of Polly-freaking-anna.

.So what if I could be the real me.  The real possibility of this project could be FREEDOM!!!  Freedom from worrying about what people think.  Freedom from trying to please people.  Freedom from trying to get life right.  Freedom from all worry.  Freedom to be my real self.

And, if I could be free, I might relax and enjoy life.  Maybe I could sleep again.  Maybe I would stop eating chips to calm myself.  And drinking wine to numb myself.  And lose those 5 pounds again.

Who knows?  And I might have to deal with the consequences of my self-expression.  .  Sure, I might “go under” a couple of times and think I am doing the wrong thing.  But, if I have gotten strong, I will bounce back quicker then ever.

If nothing else, it will be an exciting journey.  And, who knows, maybe I will tell someone else about this blog.  They might even read it.

(As brave as I sound, my back is in spasms  and my heart is racing.  I will have to look at that.  I can do my breathing exercises and try to sleep.   Hopefully I will feel as brave in the morning.  Good night).

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