Spite? Handwriting?

30 Mar

I was talking to someone today and it got me all f—-d up in the head.

We were at the gym.  He had a workout that I wanted since I won’t be able to work out with him tomorrow.  I was going to take a picture of it.

“No,” he said.

“Why not?”

“I don’t want anyone to see my handwriting.”

Huh?  That made no sense to me.   “Are you afraid of getting in trouble for something?”  I could only think that handwriting could implicate him somehow with the law.


“Is that your biggest fear?”

“One of them.”

OK, if that’s a fear I guess it would make sense.

“I will take your phone and give it back when you give me my workout book back.”

“Seriously?  I am not going to take a picture.  If you don’t want me to, I won’t. Why would I?”

“For spite.”  Hmm, I thought.  There’s definately alot I could get him back for, but that’s just not me.

“I don’t operate that way.  I like to make people happy, not torture them them like you do.”

Since I wanted the workout, I let him take my phone while he took his shower and I copied the information I needed by hand.

When he was leaving, he gave me back my phone and took the book back.

“Can I ask you a question?”  I asked.

“No, I don’t have time for your bullshit,” he said, putting his bag into the car.

I ignored him and followed him.  He got in his truck and I stood outside his driver door.  I asked him something about “the workout.”  He answered and we said goodbye.

So what bothers me?  Why do I keep going over the conversation again and again in my head?

It took me a few hours to figure it out.  He didn’t have time for my bullshit as if I was the crazy one here.  My BULLSHIT?  SERIOUSLY?  He’s afraid someone will recognize his handwriting on a teeny picture on my phone?  He’s the one who would do something someone didn’t want them to do for spite?  He’s the one who doesn’t trust?

And I wasted my time this morning worrying that I had done something wrong.  It’s time for me to stop that.  Time to stop letting other’s people’s opinions affect how I view myself.

Historically, if someone questions me or accuses me or has a different opinion, I would automatically think they were right and I was wrong.  I would be upset for days.

In my marriage, if I tried to tell my ex-husband something was bothering me, he would deflect the conversation and accuse me of “just always being upset.”  And, like this morning, I automatically doubted myself and tried to figure out what I had done wrong, thinking I deserved the insult for some reason.

Well, I may not be too much farther along then I was in my marriage, but after thinking about this for hours, I did nothing wrong.  And, I don’t think I’m even the weird one here.

So, this “friend” can live his life how he needs to, but I don’t have to question my values or judgements or opinions because they differ from his.  I can trust myself and my values, and that is a new thing for me.  And, if I want to say something, it’s not Bull Shit.  It’s important to me.

So there.





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