Failing – makes me want to give up

1 May

I asked a lot of people to comment on this blog so I could make my milestone for tonight of 25 comments.  So far no new comments have come in.

So part of me wants to just say “fuck it, I don’t give a flying fuck!!”

The other part wants to cry that no one loves me and never will.

The other part just wants to go to sleep.

The other part doesn’t care.

Who will win?  There’s not even a positive thought that could pull me out of this funk.  So, I will try venting out the shit that’s in my brain and see if that helps:

  • the linked in people think this blog is too personal to be mentioned on my business linked in page – This is what I write about.  It is going to say I’m a writer.  So how can this not be appropriate?  But, what if they are write and this is just stupid feeling shit?  I want to scream.
  • some people at work are acting really strange and I feel like my authority is being thwarted so I want to make them wrong and talk about them and that’s totally unprofessional and immature
  • plenty of people said they would comment on my blog and they didn’t
  • I went out with a total ass hole on a date last night and he called me difficult – NUH UH – it really wasn’t me but part of me thinks maybe he’s right even though I know he wasn’t
  • I told my ex that I went someplace we used to go and he said he had blocked that place out.  Even though I shouldn’t care, that comment got under my skin.  Then he acted all mysterious about what he was doing and even though I know it’s none of my business and again, I shouldn’t care, whenever I think of it, it bugs the crap out of me.
  • I’m tired.  I got up early and I have my seminar tonight and I just might have to take a nap.   I should be making phone calls, but…………….
  • After last night I never want to date again.  This guy was so unpleasant.  I had more fun talking to the mother and daughter at the table next to us then I did him.  Every time they said something he had to say he had been there, done that, too.  UGH!!!!!!

WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH – I will come back later – this isn’t helping.

Later:  I gave myself a time out.  I laid on my nice blue couch with my favorite pillow and blanket and meditated.  I allowed myself to feel the disappointment and sadness:

  • my ex’s comments that he was blocking out what I thought was a wonderful memory
  • that my date was such a mean jerk, telling me what I could and couldn’t do or order and then acting like I was difficult
  • that NO ONE had looked at the blog after asking around 15 people
  • that I felt like I had an unproductive day
  • that I am not hitting my milestone for the seminar – and actually, I said 15-25 and I have 18 so I actually am

So, feeling the disappointment instead of thinking I shouldn’t be feeling bad is very freeing.  Just like when I was annoyed.  And, I am not very good at it.  So, next time maybe I won’t waste 12 hours feeling bad and I could shorten the time up a little.

And, just because no one is reading this and the linked in lady doesn’t think it’s professional, doesn’t mean “I DON’T HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY AND CONTRIBUTE.”

I do because I say so.  Thanks for listening.

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