Enjoying my little cottage

I have been hanging out in my little cottage on the beach since noon today.  I sat outside reading even though it was cold.  I used my 5 burner grill and made food for the week.

I finished my book.  It was called “The Award” by Danielle Steel.  I had stopped reading her because she was so “cliche”, but these days, I enjoy a simple to read book with a happy ending.  Her writing is smooth, tells a great story, and you can be happy at the end.  This was a little bittersweet, but it was about a woman who was courageous as a young girl  during the Holocaust who was finally rewarded for her bravery at the end of her life.

I’ve had a great day.  Enjoyed my solitude and peace.  And yet, I am sad.  I had a discussion with my mom today that really frustrated me.  And, I feel bad that she can’t understand what I was talking about.  And this is all a familiar thing for me.  It’s happened before.

She questions everything.  And I hear it as a criticism.  And sometimes, I just need to get away from there.  I don’t always want to have to defend everything I do.  I feel judged, criticized, and not accepted for how I am.  And, I feel terrible when I leave.

She says that she just wants to know me better.  That’s why she asks questions.  That’s just who she is and what she does.  Why do I have to take it as a criticism?

And the conversation went on and on.  It started because my brother was questioning her:  why did you put the liquid from the smoked salmon on the serving plate?  Why do you have your eggs cooking in that little pot?  Why are you using that burner?

I commented that it was just like having my father around.  He criticized everything.  And I asked him how his children responded to his constant questioning?

He didn’t think it was a problem but his wife, Linda, says he needs to change how he says things.   It sounds like he is judging everyone and that his way is always better.

Well, yes, I agree, I thought.

“Why don’t you like questions?”  My mother asked me, now putting the focus on me.  Damn, I thought.  Why is this now on me?

I tried to tell her because I felt criticized.  I didn’t like to always have to defend myself.

“I only ask so I can learn more about you,” she said.  “I don’t know why you would always take it as a negative.”

Really?  I thought to myself.  Does it really matter why I brushed my teeth a second time after drinking coffee.  (I didn’t like the taste in my mouth).  How is that getting to know me?

I tried to tell her how I felt.  And she didn’t understand.  And the conversation lasted for 30 minutes until I was in the driveway trying to leave and yelling at her in frustration.  I’m sure the neighbors enjoyed it.

And, it felt just like when I tried to explain to my ex husband why him doubling our debt on our house over 20 years was disturbing to me.  I would have thought we would have paid off the mortgage and had more equity.  Instead, we kept refinancing and taking out home equity loans.  That bothered me, just like his spending more then we made.

And for 20 years I tried to explain why his spending upset me.  And he could never understand.   NEVER!!!  And he kept telling me to try to explain it again.  And he still didn’t understand what the problem was.  To this day…….

And it was frustrating… And, after many years I started doubting my sanity.  Was it me?  Why was I upset?  Was I just crazy?

OK – later –

I just talked to a friend.  She said I have to give up being right.

Right about what?  I couldn’t imagine………………………..

That your mother needs to understand.  That she needs to stop asking questions.  She is not going to change.  You need to let it go.  Play with it.  Do something different.  This isn’t working for you.

She’s right.  I will.  Even though I don’t want to, I will.  Because this is too exhausting.  I will call her and make it all better.  I don’t like not getting along.  It makes me really sad.  And tired.  Too tired to call right now.  Maybe I’ll call her tomorrow.

Good night.