My Internal Argument – Who Will Be The Winner?

Today I went out of my box and shared about my blog to more then 5 people on a daily call I went on.  I didn’t want to, but I promised my seminar group that I would have a breakthrough in not being negative,  or “on it” as we call it, and share with 5 people a day.

So, I shared, and I was moved by the response.  People were asking me for the name of it, two people told me they had told their friends about it already, and two others texted me for additional information.

I was so happy and thrilled.  I texted my group and they gave me the thumbs up.  And then, this afternoon I checked my stat page and it was a huge yellow bar that didn’t even fit on the page.  I had 19 views.  I wanted to do a dance around my cottage.  YAY!

But here’s the scary part.  I then checked the comments.  0.  My milestone is 25 comments and 50 by June 12, and I have been stuck at 18 for 3 weeks.  Debbie Downer took over and I Immediately morphed to “the left” side of life.  (Explained in the Blog’s “About”).    My happiness was replaced with a heavy dose of silent miserable suffering.

Negative thoughts swirled out of control in my brain.  What’s the use? This is stupid.  Obviously they hated what they read and were too embarassed for me to comment.  Why am I doing this?  Who needs the aggravation?  I’m done.  I quit.

My energy was gone, replaced by exhaustion.  I went outside to my deck.  It was too cold to stay out.  I came back inside, needing to take a nap.

I really want to be outside, I thought.  I can make this work.  I grabbed a yoga matt, fleece jacket, blanket, pillow, and a quilt and made myself a nice little bed outside on my deck.  I arranged the blankets and moved my legs around until I got into a comfortable position.

I stared at the blue sky.  What is wrong with me?  Why can’t I ever stay happy for more then a minute?  Why can’t I ever just enjoy my success?

Because you can’t have you want, the voice said.

But I got views, I said.  People at least looked.

Exactly.  But they didn’t comment.  And that’s what you wanted.

How old is this conversation?  I wondered.  Probably 2.  All of mine are.  When they left me in the driveway, I must have decided I couldn’t have what I wanted.  I wanted to go to the concert.  And they left me there.  WAHHHHHH (sound of crying).

OK, if I upgraded “No one cares” yesterday, I can upgrade this one too.

Let’s see……………..”I can have what I want.  I can ask for it AND, it may not always look like I think it should or happen as fast as I want it to.”

That’s much better.

AND, I don’t know why those people didn’t comment.  Maybe they didn’t know how.  Maybe they were in a rush.  Maybe they did and I didn’t see them.  I don’t really know.   All I know is that my mind always goes to the worst case.  And thinks the worst.

So, as I laid there, listening to the waves, I  realized that my life is pretty fucking good.   I “got off” it again.  It doesn’t mean anything if people didn’t comment.  I did what I said I would do and shared.  That’s all I can control.   And I will do it again tomorrow.  And who knows where this will lead.

I have this great cottage for as long as my landlord lets me stay.  I have money in the bank.  My health is good.  I work out every day.  I have friends and family that I love.  I’m seeing an old friend for dinner tonight.  I have a potential date for tomorrow night who actually might seem normal.  I’m holding my own at work.

So, ok, I’m up a couple of pounds, I didn’t get comments, and there are moments when I am still REALLY sad and miss my dad.  But I can just be sad and it’s a lot better then pretending I’m not.

This morning on my way home from the gym there was a huge cloud high in the sky that looked like a person reaching out.  I decided it was my dad.  And I talked to him. Out loud in my car.   And I cried.  And it was great.  I told him everything.

So things are good.  And I am grateful that people were interested enough to view my blog.  And, I might create a new milestone for views.  Why not?  It seems like something I can effect/affect (I never remember which one to use)  more than comments.

So thank you whoever (whomever?) is reading this.  I appreciate it and I hope something I have said can make a difference for you.  I’m afraid people will think I am always down and out.  I’m afraid they will think a lot of things.

And, the times when I write are when I am feeling bad.  This is a tool for me to transform those feelings.  The woman who wrote Eat, Pray, Love said that you write for yourself.  Don’t write for others.  You do what you need to do.

So I have to remind myself of that whenever I am worrying about what people are going to think.  And, continue to write.  Because I love to.  I don’t know why, but I do.

Why don’t I just keep this as a private journal? one of my friends asked me.

Good question.  But if I did, it could rob the one person who might need this a chance to read it.  And why should I limit myself because of my fears?  I’m the possibility of Freedom.  And, being Happy, Whole and Complete.   And, wouldn’t that happy and whole person make this available to everyone?

…………………I thought you’d agree.

So thanks again for reading.  I’ve got to go get “dolled up” for my dinner.