Out of Sorts

14 Jun

I am just not feeling it today.  I feel like I am running around like a chicken without its head.  I don’t know what it is.  My overall thing that has run me my whole life is to get it right.  I get really frustrated when I can’t “get it right.”

What does that even mean?  Good question.  I think for me it means not getting yelled at.  Being good.  Staying off the radar.  Getting good grades.  Being the best.

And why?  Probably so that I “wouldn’t get left in the driveway again.”  I couldn’t be ok the way I was, but I could be good so it wouldn’t happen again.

And today I am feeling like nothing I do is right.  I had this guy I really loved.  Really, really loved.  And yesterday, I found a card from him from a year ago.  It was the most romantic, loving birthday card I had ever gotten.  “He loved US.”  I remember getting it and I was so happy.

What has messed me up since yesterday, is the heart ache associated with reading it.  The next day, a year ago, everything changed.  I had had a horrible birthday with my ex last year.  He was really mean.  I shared it on a call on June 12 and was pouring my heart ache.  The moderator said, “please wrap it up.  We need to let other people talk.  I hung up, stunned.  That was the second hit.  The third hit was when I wanted to see my guy and talk to him.  He didn’t have time.  He was different.  It was over that day, but it took me two months to really get it.  And, yesterday, looking at that card brought back all the horror of that weekend.  He never really told me what happened.  All I knew was that all of a sudden, instead of “us,” I was the person who had ruined his life.  And i had no idea why.

Until today.  We still work out today and my suspicion was confirmed.

A little background.  I had known him for years.  He said he was divorced.  I had no reason to doubt him.  But last January, I got a call from his wife.  (Huh?)  Well, it turns out he had lied.  His “wife” had found a phone with all of our texts on it.  She went crazy because, not only was he cheating, but because  I had gotten a part of him that she never had.

She started planting lies about me.  He started believing them.  And, as bad as it was, I forgave him for the lies.  But I hadn’t forgiven him for not bothering to “check it out” with me to see if any of it was true.  He just turned against me.   And he wouldn’t talk to me.

I went from soul mate spending the rest of our lives together, to ass hole who had ruined his life overnight.  And, I couldn’t understand it.  And, I’ve spent a whole year blaming myself – for not getting it right.

And, I know I should be over it.  That he is not for me.  That he is a liar, too difficult, controlling, unavailable, mean at times, acts like a child, impatient, and always in a freaking hurry.

But the truth is that I loved my time with him.  It was the happiest I have ever been.  We had a strong connection.  He was my best friend.  There was passion.  I loved having someone who supposedly “had my back.”  I loved being an us.

And, even though it was based on a lie, it was very special.  It was what movies are made of.  It really was.

And telling myself to get over it is like telling myself I should be happy.  (See yesterday).  It just doesn’t work.  It just makes me feel upset about being upset.  And when I’ve talked about it to my friends, I hear stuff like:

  • get a powerful relationship to what is
  • it was just an affair
  • it was just a fantasy
  • it wasn’t a real relationship
  • he was using you for sex (from my late father – I told him I wish he had been using me a whole lot more for sex)
  • aren’t you over him by now
  • I hope you are not still talking about him
  • you deserve so much better

And, while all of that is probably true, thinking they are right (my favorite thing, I’m wrong they are right), has not allowed me to truly grieve and move on.  I feel wrong for not being over it or thinking it was something that it wasn’t.

So let me be honest.  As I said before, it was the happiest time of my life.  I loved this man and really thought I was spending my life with him.  And, I felt like the rug was ripped out from under me.

I can’t control what he did.  I can accept that he did the best he could. And, I can let go of the thought that I will never find anyone else.  I can let go of that he was my only chance at “real love.”  I can appreciate our time together – he gave me the gift of feeling sexy, loving my body, learning how to work out and eat healthy, working hard, and believing in myself.  He validated me at a time during my marriage where I had believed what my ex was saying about me and had lost all sense of myself.

I had felt like God had sent him to help me rebuild my sense of self.   And this man was an instrumental part in that.  And I thank him.  He is no angel now but he certainly was then.  And, I didn’t think I could go on alone without him.

And I have.  I am a much stronger and powerful me.  I get who I am again.  It’s taken a while.

So, thank you for letting me say all that.  I am still sad, and then I remember my dad and get even sadder.  But that’s ok.  Happiness for me is being ok with however I am.  And, I can be happy knowing it’s ok for me to still grieve.

I will enjoy today, accept myself as I am, and get on with what I need to do, tears and all.

Because I am a Rock Star.  And so are you.  Thanks for listening.




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