tiredoffeelingbad

Monday is the deadline for my project to obtain 50 comments.  I am in Los Angeles at a course with a couple of hundred people.  I have been asking people to comment.  And, I’m clear, they either will or they won’t.

And either way is ok.  Because I went for it.  I went for a breakthrough result and it’s only Saturday and I am still going for it.  And that feels great.  I’m playing the game.  And, the results don’t actually mean anything.  And, that’s a miracle.

Because a month ago when I went for it and nobody commented, I was devastatingly disappointed.  I quit the whole blog, life, and participating in the world.  I just stopped talking about it and was going to bury it under the title, “bad and idea stupid idea.”

Then I confessed to my seminar group leader.   He told me to get “off it.”  I said no, but after several times, I finally said ok.  And I got back in the game.   And I became alive again.  And realized I am writing this for me.  I love writing this blog.  And, whoever reads it, great.  And if no one does, I am still enjoying the writing.

My daughter and her friend, Laurence are here with me.  And when I told them about my project, they started printing up signs and telling people and passing out slips of paper asking people to comment on my blog.

No matter who comments.  That they were on my side, for me, and willing to put themselves out there for me.  I am kvelling.  I am honored.  I am beside myself with appreciation.

And, my poor baby, Haley, got yelled at.  For putting a piece of paper on the wrong table.  And she is really upset.  And I don’t know how to make her feel better.  I wish I did.  But wait, …….maybe I actually do.  Because what do I want when I’m upset?  ……..For someone to just get it.  To validate me.  To hold me and tell me they love me even though I’m upset.  So that’s what I will do.

And, the other thing she is doing for me is to try to make me have a great birthday tomorrow.  And, even though it’s not turning out like she wanted it to, I am honored.  I am thrilled.  That she cares and that she is trying.

So if it’s just Haley and I, I will be happy.

And I just have to make sure she knows……that she is my gift.  No matter what.

It’s not what you think.  I wasn’t drinking or needing to sober up.

I took my “Operator Retraining” course this morning.  4 hours with a very knowledgeable woman who has her own business working somehow with the DMV.  We learned about safe driving and, surprisingly, how the police officers are incented to come up with new ways to collect revenues.

The reason you ask?  They are given grants for giving tickets.  If they don’t give enough people tickets, they will lose their grants.  The instructor, Heather, told us all sorts of ingenious ways that they are catching people.

They are hiding in trees,  dressing like  the homeless, watching where people go through stop signs.  They are doing whatever they can do.  So be careful.  You will get a ticket if you are holding your phone while the motor is running.  You don’t even have to be driving.

What was more frightening, Heather told us, is that there are people who make a lot of money “causing accidents.”  These people are crooks, but unless caught, they are watching our moves, plotting an accident, and guess who’s fault it is?  Ours.  If we are even going one mile over the speed limit we are the ones at fault.  And, they can sue us.  And, if you don’t have enough insurance, you can spend the rest of your life paying off the suit.  Very scary.

Besides all of that, another reason why I am sobered?  Because, if I have one more ticket in the next 36 months, I get my license suspended for 30 days.  If I get a second ticket, it’s 60 days, and if I get a third, it’s 90 days.  And that’s just for the tame stuff.

Did you know that you could get your car crushed in California for street racing?  Literally they will crush your car – Hondas to Maseratis.  Luckily we are not in California and not street racers.

So if I sound a little scared, I am.  I don’t think I have ever driven the speed limit.  I wouldn’t want to get the cars behind me mad.  According to Heather, who has always driven the speed limit, we can all do this.  We can learn to follow the laws and we should since we have taken her class and get no more second chances.

If a car honks at you or rides up your ass, you call 911.  He is endangering you.  He is a reckless driver.  You don’t have to go with the speed of the traffic.  They are all speeding.  And, if you stay in the right lane going the speed limit, you will get there just as fast.  While hard to believe, I am going to try it.

And, the funny thing was, that driving home, I didn’t even get my phone out of my bag even though I “needed” to make some calls.  I left it there.  And, I drove the speed limit.  And I stopped for yellow lights.  And, I was calm.  Relaxed.  Not anxious.

And, i was overcome with sadness.  I don’t know why.  I think because I realize how out of control I have been for a while.  I hate to admit it, but I’ve been driving recklessly.  Racing through yellow lights, going through some red ones, speeding down residential streets, always in a rush, always ansxious to get to the next place.  My car is a mess and I am always anxious.  And I can see I’ve been running on adrenaline.  So, today, driving home was a new experience.  Nothing to worry about.  I wasn’t afraid of getting caught.  I wasn’t hurrying.

And, Heather says it takes 30 days to change a habit.  So, for the next 30 days I will follow the speed limit.  Obey the law.  Leave enough time to get places.  Stay in the right lane.  It’s really strange to be doing this, but I really have no choice.  If I’m not doing anything wrong, they won’t pull be over.  So for the next 36 months, that’s what I will do.  And, hopefully, the roads will be safer and so will I.

I think before it was some kind of thrill.  Watch what a bad ass I am, I don’t follow the laws.  Well, that gig is up.  I don’t even know what that was about.

And, my son is about to bring over 60 of his closest friends to have lunch at my beach cottage so I really better get moving………..wish me luck keeping my calm!!!!!!!

I’ve heard about Love vs Fear or Faith vs Fear for a while.  You can’t have both at the same time.  So I course, who wouldn’t pick Love and Faith?  Well, me, I guess, since I had forgotten about it and having been living in high level FEAR!!!!

During my coaching session, I discussed my anxiety and fear.  Of course, only I talked.  But, what I could see was that I worried when I couldn’t see how to accomplish something.  For example:

• how to hit my goals at work
• how to find a fabulous guy for my dream relationship
• how to stop gaining weight and start losing again
• how to deal with my upcoming move

When I can’t “SEE” how something will get done I get stressed out and anxious.  It’s not fun for anyone around me.

I have been focussing on what I DON’T want:

• not hitting my goals
• continuing to meet unavailable men
• continuing to gain weight
• being miserable when I move back in with my mom for the summer – HELP!!!!

I remembered during the conversation, that when I had hit my goals, lost the weight, and been more successful, I had been focusing on what I did want, not on what I didn’t.

I had learned how to visualize and affirm my dreams and goals after reading Jack Canfield’s Success Principles.  And it worked.

So, during my coaching call I decided that I would replace my fear with Faith and Relax instead of trying to force things.  And let go.

And of course today I forgot.  I was at my office, worried, forcing myself to make calls.  I wanted to set 2 more appointments and I finally gave up and went to get my hair “done,”  resigned that I would ever be successful again.

On my drive over, I remembered.  I let go of control and decided to have faith.  I would let go of this week’s dismal numbers.  I let the worry go.

And, wouldn’t you know it?  While I was covered in hair dye, I got a call from of my accounts.  She set up an appointment for next week.  A freaking miracle at 4:30 PM on Friday.  Then, I got an email from another account giving me the time for a presentation next Wednesday.  I gave up control and things started happening.  WOW!

Not knowing has paralyzed me for a while.  I decided to have “not knowing” become an Adventure, instead of something fraught with peril, worry and fear.  And, so far, for the last few hours, it’s been really fun.

So, tomorrow, when my son brings 60-70 of his closest friends to my tiny beach cottage to be fed, I am letting go of control.  I am going to have fun while he buys the food, feeds them and cleans up the mess.  I am literally not worried about it.  That is a miracle.

So, I am standing in Adventure, Faith and Freedom.  And, I hope to get a good night’s sleep AND, remember this tomorrow.  Until then, good night.

About six months ago I became part of an on-line book club by responding to an email from my Alma Mater, University of Pennsylvania.

We have read some very interesting books and I have learned about the evolution of Zappos, the Charisma Myth, and the Power of Habits.  I hate to admit I only actually finished one of the 3 – the Zappos one because it was more story then facts and much shorter.

Last week I got an email from Jon, the guy that runs the group.  He was asking for volunteers to be discussion leaders for our next book, “Getting Things Done – the art of stress-free productivity.”

I thought about it for a few days and then said yes.  I thought maybe it would motivate me to keep up with the reading this time and finish the book.

“Getting Things Done” is fascinating to me.  It’s about getting out of your head and being present.  Lately I have woken up in the middle of the night panicked.  “What am I supposed to do?” my brain screams.  Some nights it’s hard to get back to sleep after such a violent awakening.

So, I thought this book was very relevant for me.  It says to capture everything that you are thinking about that is incomplete or that you think should be different, and that you have some commitment to changing.  When this stuff is in your head, it occupies valuable mental space and energy, preventing you from being powerful and present.

I’m not explaining it very well, but I think the concept is great.

A few days ago I got an email requesting the discussion leaders to put a post on the group’s linked in page.   Here is what I put:

 “It’s possible….with a clear head and a positive sense of relaxed control”

As I get older, I have trouble sleeping. My worries and concerns flow through my brain causing a mixture of panic and concern. I look forward to learning how to to be able to be present and “on”, even though I have have so much going on, and being able to get a good night’s sleep.

Does anyone else relate?

I was proud that I did it.  I felt good until the next day when I saw what Jon posted.  His post sounded intellectual and referenced a New York Times article.

I wanted to die.  I was so embarrassed.  My post was so immature, elementary and personal compared to his.  These thoughts were taking up my mental space.

In a conversation with my coach I told him about my post and how stupid I felt.

He said, “thank you.”

Silence.  “I guess I could email the guy and ask him if he wants me to resign.  If he does, I will.  I’ll know I am not cut out for this intellectual discussion.”

Just identifying what I could do about it, took my concern out of mental space and into a doable action.  I emailed Jon this morning when I woke up.  I felt better regardless of his answer.  I had done something about it instead of just worrying.

Here was his response:

I was so happy.  Wow!!!  Of course I’ll continue.  How cool was that?

Once again, checking it out made a huge difference in my mental state.  I gave up my disempowering interpretation of myself (which seemed true) by finding out what was actually true for the other person.

Not only am I not worrying, but I feel free, proud and happy.  What a difference!!!!!

I can’t wait to keep reading.