23 Jul

After a few weeks of being sort of suppressed, I have realized that there are a few issues that I am worried about. I didn’t even know that they were there.  Today, however, I started crying at the gym when I started talking about them.  It was actually a relief to start talking about them.  Then, I can address them and identify actions that I can take instead of just driving myself numb.  And, already, I am starting to feel a little bit more alive.

What are the issues?  Well, thanks for asking.

  • The Incomplete:
    • My wonderful, handsome, funny, kind son has had an incomplete from his junior year in college – he wasn’t worried about it, but I have been.  If he doesn’t complete this project he will get an F in his entrepreneurial course.  This will affect his GPA which will result in him losing about $40,000 in scholarships.  He will not go back senior year and will not graduate from Quinnipiac.  When I mentioned it he told me not to nag, but my silence was not propelling him into action.
    • I finally exploded a week ago.  “This may not be affecting you, but it is ruining my summer.  You will not go on any more trips until you finish this project.”
      • It actually felt good to take a stand for him.  He just stared at me.
    • The thing that bothered me the most is that he hasn’t been concerned about it.  Or doing anything about it.  So, now he is.  He doesn’t want to miss his Birthright trip to Israel which leaves next Sunday.
  • My mother
    • She is newly widowed.
    • She is 87.
    • My kids and I have been staying with her since June.  My rental was just for the winter and they are out of school.  My ex is rebuilding the house they are to live in and it’s taking longer then usual so we are all kind of homeless.
    • So we are here.  I am seeing it as a mitzvah (good thing in Yiddish).  We are keeping her company.  Keeping an eye on her for my other 4 siblings so they don’t have to worry about her.
    • And, it’s stressful.  She asks a lot of questions.  I don’t have the answers.  I get annoyed.  And then I feel bad for being a bad daughter.
    • But my main worry:  what will happen when I move back to my rental in September and the kids are back to college?  Who will watch her then?
    • I guess I just need to have a conversation with her.  I can still visit and call.  Maybe it will be better/easier for her to not have us to deal with every day.  Who knows?
  • My Ex-Husband
    • First of all he’s always around.  And, it really annoys me.  But when I say something, I look like the bitch.  He looks like Mr. Nice Guy.  So, I don’t say anything and I silently seethe.  And then I drink.  So, I need to find a better way.  And I don’t have one yet.
    • Plus, I don’t know if he’s making any money.  He is rebuilding his house and needs to stay there for 5 years or else pay back the grant he got.  Because he loves debt, he will have a hefty monthly nut to crack.  I am worried about his ability to do that.  And, I own half of the house.  I kept half in the divorce but I don’t have to pay the debt.  Also, he is responsible for the college tuitions.  He is borrowing to pay it.  How the hell is he going to pay that back?  I know it’s his problem not mine, but I just feel sad that an intelligent man like him is so freaking stupid about money.  Again, not my problem.  That’s one of the reasons we are no longer married.  Just one of them.  Nothing for me to do on this one except be glad that I am not responsible for half of his debt any longer.
  • Work
    • Numbers haven’t been good so far this quarter.  I know what I have to do, but I’d personally rather be ahead then behind.  It just doesn’t feel good.
  • Men
    • There is really nothing to worry about but sometimes I think I should be doing something about my lack of a good one.  But then I realize my life is fine and it’s alot better to be alone then with someone I don’t like.  My time will come when it’s right.   Chill on this one.
  • Lack of a permanent home
    • Well, I could always stay with mom.  I could also go back to my old house when it is built.  But, for now, I am going back to my winter rental on 9-1.  Yes it’s a small commute but so is getting here. It’s a little creepy when no one’s around, but knowing my neighbors are there is very nice.  So, I will worry about next summer next March.  And, enjoy the water views when I return in September.
  • I guess that’s really it.  I’ve accept my weight for now.  I’m doing my best with food, cutting down the chips and alcohol and still exercising.  I have a small belly but I’m  just being with it.  Otherwise I am in pretty good shape.  Especially for my age.  For the first time in my life I am owning my body and feeling good.  That’s a miracle.

So that’s about it.  Just getting all of this out makes me feel better.  I will take the actions I can take and let go of the ones that I can not do anything about.  Thanks for listening.  I already feel better.


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