Trying to get it right

26 Jul

I came home tonight and I was  frustrated and in a really bad mood.  And, I hadn’t been before I got home.  Let’s see what happened……………

I was talking to a friend and she asked me about my son’s project.  She started giving me advice.  I didn’t want to hear it.

Then my son, instead of doing his project, decided to take a nap.  That meant it was my job to wake him up and force him to do his project.

FUCK THIS.  I thought. I am done. He is on his own.  I don’t care if he misses his vacation because he hasn’t finished.  I DON’T CARE!!!  IT’S NOT MY JOB!!!

Then my mom called and was also giving me advice about my son.  I didn’t want to hear it.

Then I got a text from my daughter saying that an old friend thought I should be with her at her Forum evening session.

I give up, I thought.  I can’t take it.

What can’t I take?  I wondered.  My day was fine before.

Well, I guess I have involved too many people in my son’s incomplete.  They are just trying to help.

And, I don’t have to fucking justify not going with Haley tonight to anyone.  Fuck them.  I know I need to get some sleep tonight since I couldn’t sleep the last two nights.   And, I was with her on Sunday.  Fuck her.

So why am I so mad?  Because once again, I think they know better.  Once again, I am trying to keep people happy and BE GOOD and it doesn’t work.

Now, the other question that is bothering me…….who do I take on the trip I won to Hawaii?  I have to decide in 6 days.  I really want a guy that I can have amazing passionate sex with.  But, can I find one in 6 days?  Someone who will still be around and not psycho by October?  Someone I will still want to come with me by then?

I guess I can expect a miracle.  Or, I can take one of my kids, my mom, my sister, or a friend.  So, it’s not the end of the world.  Maybe I can just have sex this side of the Pacific and not have the anxiety of the months ahead.  Or not.  Or go alone.

So, something to think about……………

So the lesson here is…………….I don’t have to please anyone.  I can speak up.  I don’t have to keep people from getting upset.  I don’t have to make them happy.

I can just live my life.  They can live theirs.

And then there’s the why do I think I need a guy question.  I guess I would love to have a passionate committed partnership with someone that I am attracted to , have fun with, love to be around, and who thinks I am the greatest woman he ever met.  Why not?

But in the meantime, I can be happy, fun, and lovable.  And, if I’m in a bad mood, it’s ok.  Who cares?  There are no rules that I have to be happy all the time.  Right?

So there……………………

Good night!

 

 

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