Back from vacation

19 Oct

I have had a whirlwind two weeks.  The first was in Canada at a vacation course called A Life that Sings.  We took areas of our lives that worked, and made them sing.  It was a great week.

Today I just got back from Hawaii, an AFLAC vacation that I qualified for.  It was beautiful and relaxing.

And now I am back on my deck, in my bathing suit, drinking a cup of coffee. Fighting the urge to “get back to work” or “worry about my numbers” or think that something is wrong.  And that I am wrong.  Intrinsically wrong.  Fundamentally wrong.  Because that’s my identify.  And, I have created a life where people treat me like I’m wrong and tell me what is wrong.  Because that was who I was.

Well, that’s what I learned today anyway.  After a fight with my mom as soon as I walked into her house.  I was picking up my car.  And it started.  And, with the help of my ex-husband who has seen this for years, he pointed out my identity.

Why do you think you have been struggling to get it right?  And I knew.  He was right.  I have been trying my whole life, exhausted and frustrated, to get IT Right.  And there is no IT.  And there is no right.  So it’s been an endless, tiring struggle with no end in sight.  Ever.

Because how I judged it was if I got criticized or made wrong.  Then I tried to figure out what I had done wrong.  And it never stopped.  And I couldn’t figure it out because it wasn’t real.

So, I sit here, up a couple of pounds, behind in my numbers at work, sore throat and tired and I am actually just enjoying BEING here.  The weight will come off, the numbers will be hit and I am present.  I close my eyes and feel the wind.  I may even take a nap and then go to the gym.

And I will make the calls I need to make.  And life is good.

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