“Do you think your head is not aligned with your heart?” Kayla had asked during our conversation yesterday.
I thought about it. “Hmmm. Good question……..It’s definitely not.” I told her about my last relationship. I could see once I started talking, that my heart and head were definitely not in sync. I had tried to pretend I was over him, but obviously I still had some work to do.
And even though he isn’t suitable for the long term and I am much better off without him, there was something about the way we were together that I really miss. I liked thinking he had my back and I could talk to him when things were tough. I loved thinking I had a go to person in my life and that I wasn’t on my own. And, even though that part of the relationship ended a while ago, I still miss it.
Even though my head knows it’s for the best, my heart is still sad. And I feel like I should be SO over this. What is wrong with me I think that I can’t move on? What a loser I am.
And so I make myself wrong for missing him, and that just jams down all these unexpressed feelings. I end up feeling bad for feeling bad. My favorite vicious cycle (kidding – it sucks).
So if I can just accept how I am feeling, I can have it be ok to be sad.
And today, I was a blob again. But I accepted it. I came home and took a nap. I didn’t make it wrong.
Which is a miracle. I don’t have to be happy and excited all the time, despite what some people say. I’ve taken on accepting myself as I am. If I miss that jerk, I miss that jerk. I miss the way it was. I miss having him. I miss being excited to see him. I miss knowing I was going to work out with him every day. I miss the attraction. I miss the laughter and having someone understand what I was saying. I miss someone who validated my feelings and didn’t think I was crazy. I miss someone who understood why I got upset about finances in my marriage. And I miss his face. I loved his face. And, I loved the way he looked. I miss that too. I miss getting together with him later in the day even if it was just for an hour. I miss being happy with him wherever we were. I miss the way he looked at me. I miss the way I felt when I was with him.
And, I’ve never admitted all that. I thought I was wrong for missing him.
“Have a powerful relationship to what is so,” someone I respected had said. And, of course, I thought she was right and I made myself wrong. I thought I should be over him by now.
So, today I am just sad. It doesn’t matter why. I just am. And, for once, it’s ok. I am not trying to make myself be happy. I don’t have to for the first time in my life. And, that makes me happy!!!!
And, if I’m honest, I’m afraid I will never have those same feelings for someone else. I’m afraid that was my one chance and somehow I blew it. Or that I’ll attract someone again who isn’t capable of talking to me when things get tough and one day it will be over and I won’t know why.
I guess I’m worrying about getting it right. And I’m afraid to get it wrong. But if I can just remember that there is no right and life is about playing the game and having fun, then maybe I can just relax. Maybe I can just smile and listen and love people no matter how things end up.
And I can just be me. Exactly how I am. And stop worrying about whether it’s the way I’m supposed to be. Cause that sucks the life out of me. And it’s not fun.
And, tonight I am actually going out with a girl friend. I haven’t done that in months and practically years. So I will put a smile on my face if I want to, and just relax and talk to people. Because I have no where to get to. I can just be.
So, let’s get to the important question. What will I wear?
tiredoffeelingbad 
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