Reflections from my conversation yesterday

1 Nov

“Do you think your head is not aligned with your heart?” Kayla had asked during our conversation yesterday.

I thought about it.  “Hmmm.  Good question……..It’s definitely not.”  I told her about my last relationship.  I could see once I started talking, that my heart and head were definitely not in sync.  I had tried to pretend I was over him, but obviously I still had some work to do.

And even though he isn’t suitable for the long term and I am much better off without him, there was something about the way we were together that I really miss.  I liked thinking he had my back and I could talk to him when things were tough.  I loved thinking I had a go to person in my life and that I wasn’t on my own.  And, even though that part of the relationship ended a while ago, I still miss it.

Even though my head knows it’s for the best, my heart is still sad.  And I feel like I should be SO over this.  What is wrong with me I think that I can’t move on?  What a loser I am.

And so I make myself wrong for missing him, and that just jams down all these unexpressed feelings.  I end up feeling bad for feeling bad.  My favorite vicious cycle (kidding – it sucks).

So if I can just accept how I am feeling, I can have it be ok to be sad.

And today, I was a blob again.  But I accepted it.  I came home and took a nap.  I didn’t make it wrong.

Which is a miracle.  I don’t have to be happy and excited all the time, despite what some people say.  I’ve taken on accepting myself as I am.  If I miss that jerk, I miss that jerk.  I miss the way it was.  I miss having him.  I miss being excited to see him.  I miss knowing I was going to work out with him every day.  I miss the attraction.  I miss the laughter and having someone understand what I was saying.  I miss someone who validated my feelings and didn’t think I was crazy.  I miss someone who understood why I got upset about finances in my marriage.  And I miss his face.  I loved his face.  And, I loved the way he looked.  I miss that too.  I miss getting together with him later in the day even if it was just for an hour.  I miss being happy with him wherever we were.  I miss the way he looked at me.  I miss the way I felt when I was with him.

And, I’ve never admitted all that.  I thought I was wrong for missing him.

“Have a powerful relationship to what is so,”  someone I respected had said.  And, of course, I thought she was right and I made myself wrong.  I thought I should be over him by now.

So, today I am just sad.  It doesn’t matter why.  I just am.  And, for once, it’s ok.  I am not trying to make myself be happy.  I don’t have to for the first time in my life.  And, that makes me happy!!!!

And, if I’m honest, I’m afraid I will never have those same feelings for someone else.  I’m afraid that was my one chance and somehow I blew it.  Or that I’ll attract someone again who isn’t capable of talking to me when things get tough and one day it will be over and I won’t know why.

I guess I’m worrying about getting it right.  And I’m afraid to get it wrong.  But if I can just remember that there is no right and life is about playing the game and having fun, then maybe I can just relax.  Maybe I can just smile and listen and love people no matter how things end up.

And I can just be me.  Exactly how I am.  And stop worrying about whether it’s the way I’m supposed to be.  Cause that sucks the life out of me.  And it’s not fun.

And, tonight I am actually going out with a girl friend.  I haven’t done that in months and practically years.  So I will put a smile on my face if I want to, and just relax and talk to people.  Because I have no where to get to.  I can just be.

So, let’s get to the important question.  What will I wear?

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